My (25F) boyfriend (28M) lied to me about drinking

[Known_Bill_9444]

Hi everyone, need some advice/conversation about this.

My boyfriend and I were setting up our new apartment yesterday and he went to his old place to do a final clean out. He also went to his dad's place because his dad had an extra modem for wifi for us.

When he came back, he was acting totally weird. I've known him for almost three years and I know when he acts like this he's drunk. Looking back now it was so obvious, but I thought maybe he was just tired or something. He stumbled around multiple times and was acting totally weird in general. I asked him what was wrong with him, and why he was acting so weird multiple times. Each time he claimed he had no idea what I was talking about and that he wasn't acting weird. I asked him multiple times if he was drunk or had been drinking and he said no.

SIDENOTE, he ALSO got pulled over by a state policeman on his way over because there were "reports" about him swerving on the road. I don't even know what to think about that.

This morning he texted me that he had "a drink" at his dad's house on an empty stomach and it f**ked him up. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to "judge him".

I said this is a red flag. Then I texted him and said it was a dealbreaker. He called me and said think about all of the other things we have, I'm going to stop drinking. I said I'm going to have to think about this.

This is not the first time I've noticed an issue with his alcohol consumption.

Should I stay? Should I go? Thoughts?

Thank you.

[Capricorn3]

7 minutes ago, Known_Bill_9444 said:

SIDENOTE, he ALSO got pulled over by a state policeman on his way over because there were "reports" about him swerving on the road. I don't even know what to think about that.

This is not the first time I've noticed an issue with his alcohol consumption.

If he was caught swerving all over the road then he definitely had more than "a drink" at his dad's place.  Did he get a fine?  I would imagine he must have.

It seems since you are with him you are aware he has an alcohol problem?  How bad is it?  Daily? How much?

As to your question if you should stay or go - that's totally up to you and what you want for your future.  Me? I prefer a brighter, happier future minus all the drama and upheaval booze brings into the picture, but that's just me.  (That's of course depending how bad the problem is.  If it's just normal social drinking without getting blind drunk all the time, no problem).

Side note:  If he has a serious issue with alcohol, or is heading towards being an alcoholic, there is usually not much you can do to convince him to stop.  He would have to reach that decision on his own if he wants help.

[SooSad33]

2 hours ago, Known_Bill_9444 said:

I asked him what was wrong with him, and why he was acting so weird multiple times. Each time he claimed he had no idea what I was talking about and that he wasn't acting weird.

Could you not smell alcohol on his breath?

2 hours ago, Known_Bill_9444 said:

I said this is a red flag. Then I texted him and said it was a dealbreaker. He called me and said think about all of the other things we have, I'm going to stop drinking.

So, he has a history with alcy?  If so, good luck on that 😕 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

You know at some level he's a problem drinker/alcoholic, so it's unclear why you moved in together.

Was this out of economic necessity or desperation?

He's not going to stop drinking. He's just going to lie, careen around driving drunk until he kills someone.

Get help for yourself. Look into this for help and support extricating yourself from life with an alcoholic:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Known_Bill_9444 said:

This is not the first time I've noticed an issue with his alcohol consumption.

Can you elaborate on this?

How frequently does he drink? I don't think this one incident would generally be a dealbreaker without a bigger backstory, so what is the context with his problem drinking? 

Also, how do you know about the police pulling him over - did he tell you this? I find it a little odd that he was pulled over because he was evidently so intoxicated that he was swerving, and they just...let him continue on his way home?

It seems there are missing pieces to all of this. 

[Batya33]

He could have injured or killed someone.  I am such a lightweight -never been drunk but I can imagine even just one could make me drunk.  So who knows and why did his dad let him drive?? I agree that there is more to the story - if he was swerving they wouldn't just let him keep going.

[Coily]

First things first, is he a constant drunk or Alcoholic? Have the two of you had fights over his drinking in the past?

The traffic stop seems out of place in this story since he wasn't arrested.

I've seen a divorce over alcohol, and it was not fair to either party to stick around as long as they did. One issued ultimatums, threats and escalated to abuse over the drinking, and the other retreated into the bottle in defiance and solace. I would hate to see others go through that nightmare.