Help! Screwed Up with my girl and now she wants a break!

[EJM985]

So long story short, i have always been a picky dater. I am 35 now. For whatever reason, i was find a flaw in a girl, and then use that my reasoning to get out of relationship. That being said, i started dating a girl Late 2019. Everything was great until the pandemic hit. I was finally ready to settle down and knew that she wanted a family and kids, and knew she was the one. A little background about her though, she had just gotten out of a horrible relationship in which her ex gradually became addicted to drugs and became pretty much a pyscho. She even admitted she had trust issues. But to me, trust issues are not an issue unless the guy gives a reason for her not to trust them. That being said...

Once the pandemic hit, i made a major mistake and started taking adderall. Knowing that i was going to be locked up working from home all day, and wasnt able to go to gym, i figured if i took Adderall i could at least play poker on the side (online and the adderall just made me more focused) and distract myself. I had been prescribed adderall 5 years prior and never liked myself on it because it made me disconnected from the world, so i got off it 2 years prior to dating my girl. But this time i thought it would be different because i was taking super low dosage and didnt think it would effect my relationship. It did once i told my girl. She wanted me off, and obviously i should have gotten off knowing her past. Instead i was selfish. I am not blaming the pandemic but i just didnt know what i was going to do with myself not being on adderall and i literally felt like i was losing my mind during the pandemic. On top of that i had won over 60k in poker winnings. I told her i would stop one pandemic over. Of course it still isnt over.

A little side info, late May 2020 Kelly had a nervous breakdown at her apt. Her mom actually called me and told me to come over. She claims it was because she took to much melatonin and hadnt been sleeping, and i was worried about the whole situation, but it never happened again, so i just didnt bring it up after awhile as i didnt want to stress her out. Just know i was deep down worried about this, her trust in me, and she said she had PTSD from her ex. 

It wasnt until she attempted to move in 3 months ago that *** truly hit the fan. Her lease was up in late March and she wanted to test moving in with me. Lets just say, it was rocky. She worked from 8 am to pretty much 10 everynight as a teacher. She absolutely hated her job and told me over and over again. She also kept bringing up me quitting adderall, which i was weaning off of (was down to 5 mg instead of 15). A week into moving in with me, i told her it was best we dont live together right now because i thought we should both be fully happy with ourselves before we do so. She had her issues with her job, ptsd, and trust issues in me, and i felt i had to completely get off the adderall for her to gain that trust in me. To be honest, i could have just gotten off the adderall right then and there, but honestly didnt realize it was effecting me so much. Once she moved out (and was devestated) i got off the adderall and it was only then when i realized how much i missed her and loved her. We started to see eachother once a week but it wasnt working. The problem was i have 2 puppies and she wanted me to go to her apt and earn her trust back. But i couldnt leave them both alone at night as one is not housebroken and both are used to being with me everynight(sorry i know this may sound crazy to some but i am an animal lover and was just really worried what would happen if i left them alone). So i literally only got to see her one day of the week and it wasnt enough time. SHe also kept bringing up my adderall usage and me making her move out and she said she just simply couldnt forget how i handled the situations. Long story short, last week i was trying to make plans with her -actual plans- since Covid is finally winding down, and i got a text out of the blue- I cant do this anymore.  I was heartbroken. I have never been this heartbroken. This was so unlike her( texting to breakup) i just couldnt stop thinking about it. I reached out to her brother making sure she was okay-he didnt respond and tried sending her messages but she wouldnt respond. I eventually went to her apt (and she was there) and she refused to answer the door or anything. I know my acts sound crazy, and granted i was upset about the breakup, but, i was more concerned with her. Last year at this time, she had a nervous breakdown. I just wanted to make sure she was okay! I couldnt eat or sleep not knowing what was happening. That being said, i called her parents home phone explained the situation and just asked them to make sure she was okay, because thats all i wanted to do. 

An hour later she texts me and says sorry..im okay...please dont contact my people...i just need time and space right now. 

Again, i still felt miserable. Never have i felt this upset over a breakup because i know that i loved this girl more than anything and wanted the same things as her and i totally just pushed her away to the point she didnt want contact. I then setup counseling. I am not going to get into the details but 2 days ago i found out the reason i pushed her away was because of a traumatic childhood event i faced back when i was a kid. My counselor advised i never let go of it, and instead dragged it in relationships with me. I was even more devestated, especially knowing that i want to be with this girl 100% and it was my childhood trauma that might never give me the chance to doom myself. 

Yesterday i sent her a letter, i know we are in no contact, but i thought she should know i got counseling and learned this about myself before she decided to ultimately end our relationship. I literally spilled my heart out in this letter and told her i would respect her wishes and no longer contact her but just wanted her to know before she gives up on me. I told her how much i love her, know she is the one, handled everything wrong and just wanted a second chance, etc. I texted her advising i emailed her this letter and asked her just to simply respond to this text advising she got it (this girl has like 10k plus emails and never cleans it out so i was worried she wouldnt recieve it). She didnt respond to my text so i called her to make sure she didnt block me. She hadnt blocked me...it rang and went to vmail and i simply said, sorry for not giving you space i just wanted to make sure you got my text which i know you recieved now. She texted me back. She simply said, "look i need you to chill right now. She advised of all the issues she is going through with school and then advised that Mothers Day is really hard for her because she had a miscarriage during this time. She further said, i need you to chill for a min-it may be a lot longer than that & i may not change my mind-but you cannot keep contacting me-you have to let it rest for a min".

Knowing all this, and knowing the situation she is going through, i am just having a hard time coping because i know i should be there for her, and know that after what i learned about myself i am ready to put 100% effort in this relationship. I love this girl like no other and am just having a hard time with all this. I guess i am just looking for advice because no matter how active i am all i can do is think of her and not ever having a 2nd chance with her and it is driving me insane. How much time should i give her? Is her text pretty much saying she is done? I honestly am lost for words and am not sure how to interpret it. Her intiial message said she cant do this anymore, and now it seems like she is just wanting a break, but i dont want to keep thinking about this if i am reading it all wrong and she is really saying she is done...Help!

[SooSad33]

8 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

i started dating a girl Late 2019. Everything was great until the pandemic hit. I was finally ready to settle down and knew that she wanted a family and kids, and knew she was the one. A little background about her though, she had just gotten out of a horrible relationship in which her ex gradually became addicted to drugs and became pretty much a pyscho. She even admitted she had trust issues. But to me, trust issues are not an issue unless the guy gives a reason for her not to trust them.

Sounds to me like you two spoke about future/family way too soon.

When one has been affected & until those issue's are dealt with, yes, they can/will over react...

10 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

i was taking super low dosage and didnt think it would effect my relationship. It did once i told my girl. She wanted me off, and obviously i should have gotten off knowing her past. Instead i was selfish.

This is not selfish, you took this for YOU.  Your necessity. Was up to her to accept.

 

11 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

She claims it was because she took to much melatonin and hadnt been sleeping, and i was worried about the whole situation, but it never happened again, so i just didnt bring it up after awhile as i didnt want to stress her out. Just know i was deep down worried about this, her trust in me, and she said she had PTSD from her ex. 

Seems, she has her own problems 😕 

 

12 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

It wasnt until she attempted to move in 3 months ago that *** truly hit the fan. Her lease was up in late March and she wanted to test moving in with me. Lets just say, it was rocky. She worked from 8 am to pretty much 10 everynight as a teacher. She absolutely hated her job and told me over and over again. She also kept bringing up me quitting adderall, which i was weaning off of (was down to 5 mg instead of 15). A week into moving in with me, i told her it was best we dont live together right now because i thought we should both be fully happy with ourselves before we do so.

Good move.. I'd agree.

 

17 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

Again, i still felt miserable. Never have i felt this upset over a breakup because i know that i loved this girl more than anything and wanted the same things as her and i totally just pushed her away to the point she didnt want contact

No, you did not do all of this... SHE has issue's and you are well aware of this..

Maybe do some research on all she has (PTSD, insecurities, etc).

( Okay, you see it as YOU were the one who pushed her away... but HOW?  I don't see it...)

 

24 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

i thought she should know i got counseling and learned this about myself before she decided to ultimately end our relationship. I literally spilled my heart out in this letter and told her i would respect her wishes and no longer contact her but just wanted her to know before she gives up on me. I told her how much i love her, know she is the one, handled everything wrong and just wanted a second chance, etc. I texted her advising i emailed her this letter

 

She is right!  Chill... enough now.

To email her a letter.. to texting.. then calling?  Control, is what you need...

Fine, if you want to explain yourself.. vent, etc.  Do that, all you want now.. but do not send anymore.

She pulled away... she needs her time now.. Respect that much.

YOU are now showing yourself as plain desperate 😕 .

 

27 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

i am just having a hard time coping because i know i should be there for her, and know that after what i learned about myself i am ready to put 100% effort in this relationship.

And you can't, if she doesn't want it. - then you leave it alone.

 

28 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

How much time should i give her? Is her text pretty much saying she is done? I honestly am lost for words and am not sure how to interpret it. Her intiial message said she cant do this anymore, and now it seems like she is just wanting a break,

Yeah, often a 'break' means break up.

Get back to your therapy and keep on with that and dealing with your own issue's.

If she does not want to deal with you, then leave her alone!

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

 

I understand YOU caught feelings, but, sadly, I feel you fail to see through your rose coloured glasses here 😕 

You are NOT at fault for her instability.  No, you do not have to quit something you were doing for yourself is it was helping you!

Also, I noted your relationship was pretty unstable much of the time... way too much stress.

How I take all of this, is you two were more clashing, than merging successfully - if you had a rough past and she has as well, it's one hot mess 😕 ) = incompatible.

 

Go do other stuff... hang w/ friends.. be active... journal to get it all out, etc.

But get your focus off of her so much.

[Hollyj]

Is she getting help for her issues?  

You made the right decision regarding the puppies.  I don't think that any dog should be left overnight, and certainly not puppies.  I think it is terrible that she was insistent on them being left alone.  Why couldn't they go with you, or she stay with you? 

You should never have started up with the drug, as you knew it was problem.  We have all had to deal with the pandemic, it is not an excuse. 

I think that you need a long break from one another, and  a lot of therapy on both sides.  Neither is ready for a relationship.

[EJM985]

Thanks for all the responses You guys/gals, its certainly help. I understand she wasnt perfect, and she has a lot of issues, i guess my main issue of how it ended was that out of anything i was more concerned about her trust issues and i hurt the relationship because instead of showing her she could trust me, i went out and did adderall (which i didnt mention i told her previously i would never do again because of how it made me felt). I feel like i did it not just to play poker but to distance myself from her. I feel like if i wouldnt have done it i would have had her trust. Also know, i didnt need to take adderall, i am perfectly fine without it-i was just using it for focus while playing poker which was just stupid. 

[SooSad33]

2 minutes ago, EJM985 said:

i hurt the relationship because instead of showing her she could trust me, i went out and did adderall (which i didnt mention i told her previously i would never do again because of how it made me felt). I feel like i did it not just to play poker but to distance myself from her. I feel like if i wouldnt have done it i would have had her trust. Also know, i didnt need to take adderall, i am perfectly fine without it-i was just using it for focus while playing poker which was just stupid. 

I still don't understand why all of this is on you, only?

Like she has no faults?

What does you taking your adderall have anything to do with 'trust'?  What was it doing.. to her?

If it wasn't over the adderall & poker, it would have been something else, eventually.

AND, with her issue's and yours, you two were not getting along.  A relationship takes two.

[Kwothe28]

She is right about you needing to chill. Contacting her and brother, going to her appartment, writing letters? That is waaaaaaaaaaay too much. She wants space and doesnt want to contact you. You dont need to be obsessed so much, give her time. Maybe contact in a few months to see how she is doing but for now let it go. I understand you both have issues(she maybe more then you with breakdowns) but she needs way more time then you. Also, you did threw her out of apartment after a week I can understand her hesitation to move in again there. But that is also more of her issues thing. Anyway, just dont contact her in a while. 

[EJM985]

The main thing is, i know she has her faults, i feel like 99% of the world has their faults. It just really hits me because pre pandemic me and her were kosher. The minute I started taking the adderall, i lost all her trust. Had i never taken the adderall (which i didnt need) i feel we wouldnt be in this position. Learning about what i learned from my past that i have a tendency to push people away has just really made me wake up and i am just wondering to myself, had i not done this, where would we be right now? Thats why I sent the letter to her, not because i am psycho, because i realize now i pushed her away. Again, you guys are correct, she definitely isnt perfect and although there are things i dont agree about, to me the main issue was she was just looking for me to give me her all and i couldnt honor that....

[MissCanuck]

25 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

What does you taking your adderall have anything to do with 'trust'?  What was it doing.. to her?

To be fair, I would seriously question the judgment and maturity level of an adult who depended on substances like Adderall to cope. I can't knock this woman for not accepting this. I wouldn't either. 

However, OP, I agree that you both brought issues into this relaitonship and neither of you is really reeady for a serious commitment. It's not all your fault, and it's not all her fault. It just doesn't work when you try to mix these together. 

[Hollyj]

Your ex has some serious issues.  She does not sound stable and needs to work on her mental health.

[boltnrun]

Please learn that "don't contact me, it's over" does not mean "contact my brother, contact my parents, show up at my door, call me, send me emails and text me". You keep that up and you may end up in legal trouble.

I also don't understand why you think you need a drug to gamble. Gambling and drugs? Yeah, I would have "trust issues" too.

That being said, she also was trying to fast track the relationship to soothe her own anxiety. Bad idea.

You two have a lot of individual work to do before either of you will be able to have healthy relationships. Time out is a good idea, so you can figure out what you need to do to get your life where you want it to be.

[Tinydance]

Well, I think to be honest you kinda blew hot and cold on her. She said she wanted a future with you and you did too, so she moved in with you. But then you asked her to move out. To be honest I think that's really hurtful and a step backwards. If I wanted to settle down with a man and I moved in, but then he told me to leave, I'd be like, what? Because the whole point of moving in is to see if the relationship is working and has a future. And if you told her to move, it looks like you don't think that living together is actually working.

I know you said you were a picky dater and I'm guessing you didn't have a lot of serious relationship experience? The thing is you can't just say, let's not live together because we're dealing with some issues. The point is to support each other through the issues. If you were married, would you just tell your wife to move out if she was going through something or you were going through something? I think this approach was not mature. If you really love a woman and you "100%" know she's the one etc, why did you tell her to move out? That's not really showing that you "100%" anything. It's more like zero percent lol

Just regarding the Adderall...It's obviously a prescription medication and you were obviously prescribed it for a reason. I'm guessing you have ADHD? So are you actually meant to be taking it for your treatment, but you just didn't like it and stopped it? I think this is a bit of a grey area because if you're actually supposed to be taking this medication, you're not exactly doing anything wrong. I understand you weren't taking it when you first met but if technically you were supposed to, you are allowed to take it. It's not really the same as someone using illegal drugs or using prescription drugs when they weren't actually prescribed for you. E.g. taking Adderall from a friend. If you do actually need it and you felt better on it, it's your choice to take it. If your girlfriend doesn't want to date someone who takes Adderall, she doesn't have to. So I guess she did make that choice to break up in the end. It's the same thing with anything. If someone doesn't want to date someone with mental health issues, date a smoker, date someone with no college education  (just examples). If they don't like it then they don't have to date that person. But in and of itself it's not exactly wrong.

 

[Tinydance]

20 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

To be fair, I would seriously question the judgment and maturity level of an adult who depended on substances like Adderall to cope. I can't knock this woman for not accepting this. I wouldn't either. 

However, OP, I agree that you both brought issues into this relaitonship and neither of you is really reeady for a serious commitment. It's not all your fault, and it's not all her fault. It just doesn't work when you try to mix these together. 

But I'm just wondering how he has the Adderall in the first place? Did he get it from a drug dealer, or was actually prescribed by a doctor? My best friend has ADHD and he was prescribed dexamthetamines. He was taking them but then stopped because they made him really hot and caused some sexual dysfunction problems. So while he's not taking them right now, he does have a legitimate condition why he was prescribed this medication and he is entitled to take it. 

[Tinydance]

19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Please learn that "don't contact me, it's over" does not mean "contact my brother, contact my parents, show up at my door, call me, send me emails and text me". You keep that up and you may end up in legal trouble.

I also don't understand why you think you need a drug to gamble. Gambling and drugs? Yeah, I would have "trust issues" too.

That being said, she also was trying to fast track the relationship to soothe her own anxiety. Bad idea.

You two have a lot of individual work to do before either of you will be able to have healthy relationships. Time out is a good idea, so you can figure out what you need to do to get your life where you want it to be.

Yeah, it's a really bad look to involve your ex's family. If your ex asked for space and doesn't reply to you, that's a hint that she doesn't actually want to talk to you. Contacting her family shows that you don't respect that she wants space. For one thing, you were acting too up and down, so you can't really blame her that she's a bit over it. First you told her to move out and only after she ended it, now you're all like: "OMG, you're the one though, I 100% want to be with you". And you are bombarding her with calls, messages, E-mails, contacting her family. You had her right there living with you, but you didn't seem sure. Also she wanted you to stop the gambling and Adderall and it kind of looked like you just wanted her to leave coz you didn't like being told what to do and you wanted to continue doing that stuff. If your partner wants you to quit drugs then you don't just ask them to move coz you're not off the drugs yet. If you're really serious about them like you say you were then you should have shown her that you're trying to get off Adderall.

[EJM985]

Okay, to clear things up. My doctor prescribed it the first time i took it 6 years ago(not going to explain why i took it then), and prescribed it during the pandemic when i said I needed it again(i dont have adhd-I literally was prescribed it because i said i couldnt focus-lets just say some doctors prescribe anything if they know it will line their pockets). You don't have to tell me twice, i know it was literally the dumbest thing ive ever done to take during the pandemic simply because it made me focused and i wanted to play poker with it. Thats literally the only reason i took it because i felt like i lost my life during lockdown (gym, sporting events, etc) and i knew i needed a hobby or something to take my mind off being at home all the time. Adderall+ Poker...yes it sounds like I am nuts, but i am not just completely lost my ways. Like i said, stupid! The main thing I am trying to get at here, is all of you are 100% correct, the way i handled some of the stuff (like her moving in and me telling her no after a week), or me even taking the adderall in the first place was just idiotic. After talking with my counselor, she literally thinks i took the adderall because it was a defense mechanism to slow my ex down because i was scared of getting hurt. I know she has trust issues and i was using that as an excuse to slow down getting close to her. Even when i got off the adderall when she moved out, and we tried to work things out, i still had my guard up about her trust issues. It wasnt until she cut me off and i was completely heartbroken did i reach out to a counselor and find out i was so afraid of being hurt because of a past experience that i just kept relying on this excuse to make her drift away from me. Knowing this after our breakup is what has been hurting me the most. Thats why i wrote the letter, not because I am psycho, but because i truly love the girl and just wanted her to know what i never knew about myself and why i did the things i did and i guess just hoped her reading that letter would explain my actions. In regards to reaching out to her parents and brother, etc, i dont know how to say this, but lets just say yes, as much as i was hurt we broke up and how we broke up, i was more so concerned about her well being knowing what she has been through in her past and knowing last year at this time she had a meltdown. I wanted to make sure she was okay period. Call me pyshco or whatever you want, but i would like to say i have a heart, and having no contact from her, and her brother not responding, i was simply worried. If she did something to herself, i would have felt fully responsible and would have never lived it down, so yes, maybe i went overboard, but i would do it again to ensure somebody i loved was okay! 

In the end, i love the girl, and its just the not knowing if she will ever contact me again and prove it to her that has just been eating at me. I just feel like if she can trust me, we can put her trust issues aside and live a happy life and this is why this eats at me so much. We both have/had issues, i think you know this now! But i feel like my love for her and her previous love for me wasnt a mirage. We both always wanted the same thing, to be happy together and have a family. To me, the trust issues were the main issues for both of us and without them, i can guarantee i wouldnt be posting this on this website today. Thats all i am trying to say. 

In the end i have a clear understanding of who i am as a person now and why i did what i did to her. I will become a better man from it. As heartbroken as i am, i have faith she will contact me in the future. If she doesn't, i am okay with this as the letter i wrote spilled my heart out to her and explained my actions and how she is the love of my life. If she doesnt believe it, then in the end i know its her loss and not mine. I have already began the moving on process as i know its not healthy to sit here and wonder "what if". 

 

Thanks for all the support and feedback:)

[Hollyj]

2 hours ago, EJM985 said:

Okay, to clear things up. My doctor prescribed it the first time i took it 6 years ago(not going to explain why i took it then), and prescribed it during the pandemic when i said I needed it again(i dont have adhd-I literally was prescribed it because i said i couldnt focus-lets just say some doctors prescribe anything if they know it will line their pockets). You don't have to tell me twice, i know it was literally the dumbest thing ive ever done to take during the pandemic simply because it made me focused and i wanted to play poker with it. Thats literally the only reason i took it because i felt like i lost my life during lockdown (gym, sporting events, etc) and i knew i needed a hobby or something to take my mind off being at home all the time. Adderall+ Poker...yes it sounds like I am nuts, but i am not just completely lost my ways. Like i said, stupid! The main thing I am trying to get at here, is all of you are 100% correct, the way i handled some of the stuff (like her moving in and me telling her no after a week), or me even taking the adderall in the first place was just idiotic. After talking with my counselor, she literally thinks i took the adderall because it was a defense mechanism to slow my ex down because i was scared of getting hurt. I know she has trust issues and i was using that as an excuse to slow down getting close to her. Even when i got off the adderall when she moved out, and we tried to work things out, i still had my guard up about her trust issues. It wasnt until she cut me off and i was completely heartbroken did i reach out to a counselor and find out i was so afraid of being hurt because of a past experience that i just kept relying on this excuse to make her drift away from me. Knowing this after our breakup is what has been hurting me the most. Thats why i wrote the letter, not because I am psycho, but because i truly love the girl and just wanted her to know what i never knew about myself and why i did the things i did and i guess just hoped her reading that letter would explain my actions. In regards to reaching out to her parents and brother, etc, i dont know how to say this, but lets just say yes, as much as i was hurt we broke up and how we broke up, i was more so concerned about her well being knowing what she has been through in her past and knowing last year at this time she had a meltdown. I wanted to make sure she was okay period. Call me pyshco or whatever you want, but i would like to say i have a heart, and having no contact from her, and her brother not responding, i was simply worried. If she did something to herself, i would have felt fully responsible and would have never lived it down, so yes, maybe i went overboard, but i would do it again to ensure somebody i loved was okay! 

In the end, i love the girl, and its just the not knowing if she will ever contact me again and prove it to her that has just been eating at me. I just feel like if she can trust me, we can put her trust issues aside and live a happy life and this is why this eats at me so much. We both have/had issues, i think you know this now! But i feel like my love for her and her previous love for me wasnt a mirage. We both always wanted the same thing, to be happy together and have a family. To me, the trust issues were the main issues for both of us and without them, i can guarantee i wouldnt be posting this on this website today. Thats all i am trying to say. 

In the end i have a clear understanding of who i am as a person now and why i did what i did to her. I will become a better man from it. As heartbroken as i am, i have faith she will contact me in the future. If she doesn't, i am okay with this as the letter i wrote spilled my heart out to her and explained my actions and how she is the love of my life. If she doesnt believe it, then in the end i know its her loss and not mine. I have already began the moving on process as i know its not healthy to sit here and wonder "what if". 

 

Thanks for all the support and feedback:)

What about her.   She has some serious trust and mental health issues.  if she does not deal with her  stuff, she will never be able to sustain a relationship.  

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

So while he's not taking them right now, he does have a legitimate condition why he was prescribed this medication and he is entitled to take it. 

I don't think the issue lies in how he obtained the Rx, but rather in the fact that he's not taking it as indicated nor for the reason it's generally prescribed. 

There is a difference between managing a medical condition, and using it recreationally (for lack of a better term) The latter appears to be the problem here. 

[boltnrun]

It doesn't matter what you say your motivation was. She asked you for space and to not contact her which means do not contact her. And going around her request by contacting family members is also a big no. And showing up at her home uninvited? Big, big NO.

It's good you've decided to move on, but please take this lesson for the future.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, EJM985 said:

Okay, to clear things up. My doctor prescribed it the first time i took it 6 years ago(not going to explain why i took it then), and prescribed it during the pandemic when i said I needed it again(i dont have adhd-I literally was prescribed it because i said i couldnt focus-lets just say some doctors prescribe anything if they know it will line their pockets). You don't have to tell me twice, i know it was literally the dumbest thing ive ever done to take during the pandemic simply because it made me focused and i wanted to play poker with it. Thats literally the only reason i took it because i felt like i lost my life during lockdown (gym, sporting events, etc) and i knew i needed a hobby or something to take my mind off being at home all the time. Adderall+ Poker...yes it sounds like I am nuts, but i am not just completely lost my ways. Like i said, stupid! The main thing I am trying to get at here, is all of you are 100% correct, the way i handled some of the stuff (like her moving in and me telling her no after a week), or me even taking the adderall in the first place was just idiotic. After talking with my counselor, she literally thinks i took the adderall because it was a defense mechanism to slow my ex down because i was scared of getting hurt. I know she has trust issues and i was using that as an excuse to slow down getting close to her. Even when i got off the adderall when she moved out, and we tried to work things out, i still had my guard up about her trust issues. It wasnt until she cut me off and i was completely heartbroken did i reach out to a counselor and find out i was so afraid of being hurt because of a past experience that i just kept relying on this excuse to make her drift away from me. Knowing this after our breakup is what has been hurting me the most. Thats why i wrote the letter, not because I am psycho, but because i truly love the girl and just wanted her to know what i never knew about myself and why i did the things i did and i guess just hoped her reading that letter would explain my actions. In regards to reaching out to her parents and brother, etc, i dont know how to say this, but lets just say yes, as much as i was hurt we broke up and how we broke up, i was more so concerned about her well being knowing what she has been through in her past and knowing last year at this time she had a meltdown. I wanted to make sure she was okay period. Call me pyshco or whatever you want, but i would like to say i have a heart, and having no contact from her, and her brother not responding, i was simply worried. If she did something to herself, i would have felt fully responsible and would have never lived it down, so yes, maybe i went overboard, but i would do it again to ensure somebody i loved was okay! 

In the end, i love the girl, and its just the not knowing if she will ever contact me again and prove it to her that has just been eating at me. I just feel like if she can trust me, we can put her trust issues aside and live a happy life and this is why this eats at me so much. We both have/had issues, i think you know this now! But i feel like my love for her and her previous love for me wasnt a mirage. We both always wanted the same thing, to be happy together and have a family. To me, the trust issues were the main issues for both of us and without them, i can guarantee i wouldnt be posting this on this website today. Thats all i am trying to say. 

In the end i have a clear understanding of who i am as a person now and why i did what i did to her. I will become a better man from it. As heartbroken as i am, i have faith she will contact me in the future. If she doesn't, i am okay with this as the letter i wrote spilled my heart out to her and explained my actions and how she is the love of my life. If she doesnt believe it, then in the end i know its her loss and not mine. I have already began the moving on process as i know its not healthy to sit here and wonder "what if". 

 

Thanks for all the support and feedback:)

Well unfortunately now you can't really do anything except just leave her be. You have already expressed yourself in your letter and have contacted her and her family. She knows how you feel about her and how much you want her back. She actually very clearly said in her response that you need to chill and to stop contacting her and give her some space. That is her wish so unfortunately you need to respect it. The other thing too is that if you get notifications that she's read your messages, e.g. on Facebook, then you have indication she's probably fine, but she's just ignoring you. If someone hurt themselves or something then they wouldn't be online and reading all your messages. 

I totally understand how lockdown can really mess with your life and physical and mental health. I have alcohol addiction but I had it reasonably under control before lockdown. I was in complete lockdown for eight months and I began to drink like 1-2 bottles of wine in one go a couple of times a week at least. It definitely escalated and since lockdown ended last October here, been a struggle. I see an addictions counsellor and doctor in a drug and alcohol and mental health service for six years now. At the moment I'm actually on an anti alcohol craving medication called baclofen. It's got side effects but I'm persisting with it because it really helps the alcohol cravings.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that yes I can relate to you, but that also doesn't mean that lockdown is an excuse. I was actually dating someone in lockdown last year and I did mention about my alcohol problem. At the time I was actually really cutting down and using a different anti craving medication. But I also know that drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a couple of times a week is not appealing at all. So if someone didn't want to date me because of that, it's totally fair enough.

I think unfortunately the way you behaved wasn't good in terms of you being a prospective long-term partner. I understand lockdown is tough but you're 35 years old. You got Adderall so you can GAMBLE. I mean yes you took up a new hobby in lockdown but the hobby was unhealthy. It's hardly the same as taking up something like knitting or doing puzzles. Maybe you started this relationship at a bad time in everyone's life but sadly this is what your girlfriend saw of you. And I mean, yeah this doctor is happy to prescribe Adderall as long as they make money on it. That's on them. However it's a actually addictive and mind altering and you don't have a legitimate condition to actually have to take it. So really in your case it's the same as someone using cocaine or something just to be more alert and get high. And be alert but for what? At least if you tried to be alert for study or something that might be *vaguely* excusable. But you did it for gambling. It's just not attractive if a woman wants someone who's husband material. I mean sorry but I would probably want to end it too.

[EJM985]

Boltnrun...I respect the time you took to post, but you just dont get it. You dont understand the issues she went through, so don't understand why i reacted the way i did. I was worried about her depression and was worried for her safety. If somebody you loved regardless of girlfriend, friend, husband, dog, it doesnt matter, if somebody you loved , went through what she had, if you had the heart I do, you wouldn't just "respect their wishes" if you feared they may hurt themself. I mean you may, but i wouldnt, because i genuine care for people and their well being and could never deal with the guilt if she did something to herself. It wasnt about trying to convince her to get back together, it was just concern and love for another person. and Tinydance her reading my messages means nothing in determining her well being. I had a friend who was reading my messages and all my friends messages a few years back after we were concerned he was suicidal after he wrote a post saying...."life isnt for me anymore". Does that mean he wasnt going to hurt himself because he read our messages? No. It didnt, because although he is okay today, and we all talk to him, he even told us that day he really was considering suicide. 

Furthermore Tinydance, i agree, i didnt give her what she was looking for as "husband" material, but ultimately at the time she wasnt giving me what i was looking for in terms of "wife" material. The pandemic, regardless if not an excuse, didnt help anybody. I did things i truly regret, and she hit some of the saddest points of her life. 

I understand at this point this is more of an attack on both of us as people on how we both screwed up which is not what i meant for it to be and i truly regret posting on here. In the end I love the girl, but will move on with my life in the meantime. However, knowing what i learned about myself from counseling I will contact her in a month if i havent heard from her only because I am not one to throw away love simply because we were not at the right place at the right time and were dealing with a lot of issues. If she doesnt respond so be it, but i am glad i was able to realize my issues and at least reciprocate them to her via the letter. In the end, I will let the universe decide whether or not we reconnect :). 

 

 

[gamon]

On 5/20/2021 at 3:58 PM, EJM985 said:

 I will contact her in a month if i havent heard from her only because I am not one to throw away love simply because we were not at the right place at the right time and were dealing with a lot of issues.

It's still all about YOU. If you can do only one thing right, make it about respecting her wishes and leave her alone.

[Tinydance]

Well unfortunately bad timing actually can ruin a relationship too. You know how people say it was like a "sliding doors" moment or whatever, like from that movie Sliding Doors. Like, maybe you may have some potential, but if it's not the right time, then maybe they're not the right person.

I think to be honest you're not really taking responsibility for your behaviours. I think you're definitely on the right track with seeing a therapist and it's great you are trying to work on your issues. The thing is though, this is not all just on your terms. You can't just tell her to move out and you continued to use the Adderall, but then when she ended it you bombard her and proclaim your love. They say actions speak louder than words. So just messaging her saying you love her is not enough in and of itself. You saying you love her doesn't oblige her to just automatically say that everything else is fine. If she doesn't want to date someone who uses Adderall (not for a real condition), then you'd have to actually BE someone who doesn't use Adderall. People have standards of what they're looking for in a serious relationship and the way you were going, you didn't match that standard.

Personally I'm not sure that I would actually continue dating you either. If I'd been with someone for like 1.5 years and I really wanted a future and moved in with them. But they were like, sorry can you move out because we're struggling with stuff and I'm using Adderall. I'd be like, so what is the point in continuing the relationship if this person doesn't stop using Adderall and their way to deal with going through issues is just to kick me out?

You're a 35-year-old man so I think you need to try to act more mature. Now you're saying you're going to contact her again in one month, because you love her. She actually sent you a message saying she doesn't want you to contact her or her family. She already knows you love her because you sent all the previous messages. It sounds to me like you think you were the only person in this relationship and what she actually thinks or wants doesn't matter. She doesn't want you to contact her. Amount of messages sent doesn't equal more success in changing someone's feelings about you.

[boltnrun]

If she is in that bad of shape her family will know and help her get appropriate professional help. It's not up to an ex who she asked for no contact from to insert himself into the situation. 

You say you care so much for her, how about proving it by respecting her request for space and no contact?