Feel like I'm losing my mind a bit after break up

[katmisj]

Ok so I'll try to make this as short as I can lol 

I haven't posted here in a looong time, Not Alone used to be my comfort place a few years ago when I went through issues, specially relationship wise. I'm 27 now and I used to come here a lot when I was around 22, and after that I started becoming more emotionally stable, got to know myself better. But after all of these years, I feel like I need to reach out again. 

I recently went through a break up that messed me up bad. This man came into my life when I wasn't looking for anyone and we instantly fell in love and didn't go a day without seeing or talking to each other. I had given up on love, or feeling in love. But he was all I wanted, he was caring, we had amazing chemistry, it was like I'd known him for years. I won't get into all details because it'll take to long, but during the relationship, he showed love his own way. There were nights we'd stay in his room just looking at each other, listening to music, it was something out of this world what I felt for this man. He's very attractive and we just clicked from day one. We made it clear that we hadn't felt that way about someone in a really long time. It was real, heck, I know he really liked me. He said he wanted us to eventually move in together, I'd cook, do home chores together, I helped him out with some issues in his life. It wasn't perfect, but I wanted him with all of his flaws included. 

But we ended up having our differences, he was a bit on the selfish side, I felt like I was sometimes walking on eggshells so I wouldn't upset him, and I felt like the love he had for me would be measured by the amount of good things I could do to keep the relationship "stable". We had a lot of disagreements, but I always felt like communication was hard with him, so it wasn't the differences itself, but just how I felt like he didn't put enough effort to understand my needs. I felt a bit unsupported when I talked about my career as a DJ and he would feel uncomfortable with the clothes I wear (I like skirts and tank tops but not too revealing just like feeling good about myself), he never really felt excited about us doing any activities together (nature, trips, eating out etc) and always felt comfortable just staying at home all the time. I also felt a weird vibe when he said he broke up with his last ex because he stopped liking her out of the blue and most of his relationships ended on bad terms, but he wasn't the type of guy that would say his exes are crazy. 

Our break up was bad, lots of disrespect on his part, our post break up was even worse. We broke up because he'd say we're "too different". He would also say that he's not good in the head, that he's got issues and traumas he doesn't fully understand and went from a guy who would give me all of his love to someone who became emotionally unavailable. Communication that was bad turned into awful by me left talking alone a bunch of times or with short responses. He reached out to me afterwards, missing me and we ended up sleeping together which just made it an even bigger mess. He would tell me we weren't in a relationship and yet we'd still talk but only when he wanted and how he wanted. I was told not to create expectations and this resulted in my doing silly things such as begging, trying to convince him we're good together and send him videos and texts of psychology and how we could work on ourselves. I keep picturing him "being better" with someone else, him saying sweet things and taking care of someone else. I keep wishing he would realize we're good together and miss our good moments enough. He would say with tears in his eyes that he loved me but we couldn't be together. 

And now, everything feels... the same. Nothing makes me happy, meditation only serves to calm me down instead of bringing me peace as before, I don't feel the excitement for the weekend to start or to go out and meet someone. Hell, I barely even feel like going out dancing which used to be my number one therapy. I'm a DJ and work with music as well. 

I take care of myself, try to eat healthy food, do skin care, sleep a good amount of hours. But I've been drinking a lot and recently went back to smoking as well. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns which resulted in me vomiting blood one day from having such a bad stomach gastritis due to my unstable emotions. 

I just really lack motivation to... live. I go day by day just with no excitement for anything. I wake up, go to work, shower, watch movies, talk to friends... but I'm always sad. I'm always on the verge of crying. I used to be such a positive person, so empowered, but now sometimes getting out of bed and doing normal things seems like such a huge effort. I get anxiety all the time as well. I go out on the weekend with friends and head back home crying because I miss him. Every.f*cking.time. It's exhausting. I went on a date that I forced myself to go to last week, just to see how I felt. It was fun, lots of laughs and made me forget a little about my ex, but would still look at the guy and wish it were him every hour or so.  

I know a person shouldn't have control over my emotions, I know I'm not responsible for other people's actions, I know that if he loved me, he would be with me, I know I "deserve better". I rationally know all of these things, but at the end of the day, I cry because I miss him. I cry because in all of these 27 years, I've never felt such intense love for someone. All I wanted was to build a life with him, I felt so comfortable with him. This scares me because all of my past BUs, I'd be sad for a week or two and definitely move on and be happy again. But with him, I just can't, it's like this thing has control over me. I just wished I'd never met him at all. It made my life grim and I feel like the learning experiences aren't worth the hurt I'm feeling. Why am I so attached to this? What is going on with my mind? I feel like I don't even know myself at all and it hurts. 

P.S.: I have also been going to therapy, have been for a few months now.

 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, katmisj said:

. There were nights we'd stay in his room just looking at each other, listening to music, 

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. He seems much to immature and lethargic to be in a relationship.

Does he live at home?  Why were you holed up in  his room?

Even though there were good times and he has some good points, you seem incompatible.

He comes across as a high maintenance headache and heartache. Simply too messed up damaged to date.

Dating is not for fixing or changing anyone. It's a what you see is what you get situation.

[katmisj]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he live at home?  Why were you holed up in  his room?

He lives with a housemate but has his own bedroom. We'd spend all the weekends at his house because we both liked it better. I also live with two housemates. 

We're both from Brazil but live in Australia, so adds to also feeling alone time to time, away from family and home which I guess makes it even harder to "let go" and be on my own again. 

Quote

Dating is not for fixing or changing anyone. It's a what you see is what you get situation.

I felt like I could "save" him so many times. As if I had the ability to just make him see how good we could be together and our potential. At points I felt like my best wasn't nearly as good as he expected or wanted.

[MissCanuck]

11 minutes ago, katmisj said:

I felt like I could "save" him so many times. As if I had the ability to just make him see how good we could be together and our potential. At points I felt like my best wasn't nearly as good as he expected or wanted.

This is the definition of an unhealthy relationship. 

You can't save him, nor should ever try to rescue someone. You aren't equipped for that and i's a toxic dynamic for a relationship. 

Relationships need to be built on reality - the here and now - and not what could maybe be. That's what you were not really grasping. Who you want him to be is not who he is. The relationship you despearely wanted is not the relationship you had. What you're referring to as intense love sounds a lot more like a toxic attachment to this person, and you lost your self-worth trying to turn this relationship into something it wasn't. 

Does your therapist know how much you're struggling right now? You would be wise to visit your medical doctor as well. Vomitting blood could indicate another issue; don't self-diagnose. It's not worth the risk. 

[katmisj]

46 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What you're referring to as intense love sounds a lot more like a toxic attachment to this person, and you lost your self-worth trying to turn this relationship into something it wasn't. 

I've thought about this. One thing he always used to do, was say how wonderful I was, how he knew I had given my all into the relationship but he couldn't "handle me". I felt like he always gave me this kind of approval that I was a good person, just not good enough for him, or to be with him. Only if I wasn't so anxious, only if I could wait, only if I accepted things the way he thought I had to accept, then I would be good for him. This also contributed to me feeling worthless, unloved. To be honest, I'm still there, haven't been able to think anything other than wishing I was "good enough" for him. 

[MissCanuck]

57 minutes ago, katmisj said:

To be honest, I'm still there, haven't been able to think anything other than wishing I was "good enough" for him.

This would suggest that this isn't actually about him (as a person) at all, but all about you and your low self-esteem. 

What does your therapist say about this?

[V1111]

Hi… Do you want to talk to me in person ( chat ) ? I ( 29 female ) am recently going through the same phase… my decade long relationships and 3 year marriage is coming to end. This is first time I am using this platform… it will be helpful if I talk to someone ….

[Rose Mosse]

5 hours ago, katmisj said:

I know a person shouldn't have control over my emotions, I know I'm not responsible for other people's actions, I know that if he loved me, he would be with me, I know I "deserve better". I rationally know all of these things, but at the end of the day, I cry because I miss him. I cry because in all of these 27 years, I've never felt such intense love for someone. All I wanted was to build a life with him, I felt so comfortable with him. This scares me because all of my past BUs, I'd be sad for a week or two and definitely move on and be happy again. But with him, I just can't, it's like this thing has control over me. I just wished I'd never met him at all. It made my life grim and I feel like the learning experiences aren't worth the hurt I'm feeling. Why am I so attached to this? What is going on with my mind? I feel like I don't even know myself at all and it hurts. 

P.S.: I have also been going to therapy, have been for a few months now.

 

It doesn't. Every time you think that, I'd challenge you to that idea that it controls you and think the opposite. Cut out all the habits you don't like about yourself whether it's smoking, drinking, partying or dating people you're not interested in. Those behaviours continue to bring you down and lower your self-esteem. Instead of uplifting you, they encourage you to feel worse about yourself because you dislike those too - along with the effects of what this guy had in your life. 

Get out of that cycle. Do what it takes to snap out of it and start replacing all the things you dislike with things you do like. 

Do. Not. Date. if you do not feel it'll bring you any joy or if it's just a distraction for the pain. Stay single for awhile and find your feet again. It's up from here but only if you want it. 

[DancingFool]

Sounds a lot like you crossed paths with a narcissist. The red hot instant connection that seems so right was him love bombing you and mirror imaging you so it felt to you like you were twin souls. Basically, a high pressure whirlwind that can feel like a happy drug. This was followed by you giving your all to him, while he gives you nothing much in return, but just enough for you to keeping giving and keep trying. Finally came the discard - you can do nothing right and he became increasingly nasty and abusive toward you. Unfortunately, you are still stuck on hoping that somehow you can go back to those love bombing days while not realizing that it was toxic from day one.

I'm really glad that you are seeking therapy, but please find a therapist who actually specializes in dealing with narcissistic abuse trauma. Most therapist don't actually have a clue and can cause you even more damage rather than helping you. You need to work with someone who can help you understand what happened and help you process the trauma of such a relationship and there is a lot of trauma there even if you don't recognize it as such. The second thing is learning to recognize these types of men and how to stay away from them, aka fixing your picker.

I'm not going to suggest that you don't date for ages, because that's what landed you in this mess. People need relationships and companionship and if you go too long alone and become lonely, you become vulnerable to these predators. Specifically, vulnerable to love bombing tactics.

Rather than telling yourself that you'll never find love, it's much healthier to accept that dating is a dirty and tedious business where you'll meet a lot of "no's", some "maybe's" and eventually after sifting through a lot of incompatible people, meet a proper "yes". It's more of a marathon and anyone coming on hot and heavy should leave you cold and running away from them rather than toward them. Critical that you understand what love bombing is and that it's toxic behavior, so that you know to stay away instead of falling into that trap.

Genuine relationships are reciprocal all the way. Always keep that in mind. If you give and give, find yourself walking on eggshells, while he mostly takes and gives little back - this is your clue to run away screaming. Dump him asap.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

But I've been drinking a lot and recently went back to smoking as well. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns which resulted in me vomiting blood one day from having such a bad stomach gastritis due to my unstable emotions. 

I just really lack motivation to... live. I go day by day just with no excitement for anything. I wake up, go to work, shower, watch movies, talk to friends... but I'm always sad. I'm always on the verge of crying.

Try not to be hard on yourself.. you are grieving and this is a normal reaction.

I once, turned to drinking as I fell apart for about 5 months.. then, one day I just stopped!  I was done with that fallout.

It takes time to recover from this stuff.

Cry if you must.. it is okay to do that.  It is a form of release.

 

6 hours ago, katmisj said:

I went on a date that I forced myself to go to last week, just to see how I felt. It was fun, lots of laughs and made me forget a little about my ex, but would still look at the guy and wish it were him every hour or so.  

Yeah.. don't do this, it does not work.. and you know you are far from ready to date again.

 

7 hours ago, katmisj said:

All I wanted was to build a life with him, I felt so comfortable with him. This scares me because all of my past BUs, I'd be sad for a week or two and definitely move on and be happy again. But with him, I just can't, it's like this thing has control over me. I just wished I'd never met him at all.

Again.. your wants & expectations with someone you really grew to favour... yes, you were emotionally invested in him, so you will hurt, due to the disappointment. 😞 

What you wanted, in the end, was not what you got.  he pulled away from you, as it seems, is his track record?

 

You need time.. to work through all of this.. and is good you are in therapy.. Keep at it, it can help you work through this stuff.

Maybe talk with your family doctor?  Something to help with anxiety, if you feel all is too much?  I needed that for a while, when I fell apart.

Meanwhile, take care of you now, as you are.. your sleep, etc ❤️ 

Get lost in your music... binge watch your shows... and maybe try a journal.  That can help as well.  it is another form of release.. All you wish to say to him, you say it there... I do this when I am having a moment.. I write it out.

One day at a time... TC

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, katmisj said:

But I've been drinking a lot and recently went back to smoking as well. I had a lot of nervous breakdowns which resulted in me vomiting blood one day from having such a bad stomach gastritis

It would be best to go to an ER or doctor asap. vomiting blood is a medical emergency, not due to "nerves" or a breakup.

[katmisj]

7 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Sounds a lot like you crossed paths with a narcissist. The red hot instant connection that seems so right was him love bombing you and mirror imaging you so it felt to you like you were twin souls. Basically, a high pressure whirlwind that can feel like a happy drug. This was followed by you giving your all to him, while he gives you nothing much in return, but just enough for you to keeping giving and keep trying. Finally came the discard - you can do nothing right and he became increasingly nasty and abusive toward you. Unfortunately, you are still stuck on hoping that somehow you can go back to those love bombing days while not realizing that it was toxic from day one.

It is so hard! Especially because I was insecure in the beginning after I fell for him from past traumas. People that have lied and cheated on me left me with insecurities and I was seeking for approval and security from him. Which he gave me, but later on he started getting annoyed by small things I did. With time I felt like he was so tired of our differences that things such as me moving during my sleep would wake him up and make him angry at me the next morning. 

I'd tell him I wished we'd go out more, that I wanted to go on a trip with him or simply just go to the beach etc. And he would do it every once in a while, but it was never because HE wanted it. If it were on him, we'd stay most if not all days at home, watching TV etc, which wasn't bad, I did enjoy spending time at home with him, just felt like I wanted to create more memories outside the house. 

Apart from that, we had poor communication when we weren't together. Very little interaction on whatsapp, which I ended up getting used to because I knew he was like that with friends and family as well, but I would get a bit of anxiety when we weren't together because I knew we'd barely speak to each other. But when we were together, he dedicated 100% of his time for me. 

I keep blaming myself that I drove him away, that I should've played "hard to get" or maybe not have been so insecure and not given all of myself in the moments that I felt I was losing him. But I just couldn't, I still can't. I woke up today and started crying like a baby. We texted each other last night and he said he thinks about me all the time but can't deal with my "anxious way". I've read about attachment styles and he's very much on the avoidant side, every in it describes how he is. It's so hard to handle and understand!  

Also, how can one still like you even after a month of the BU and say they can't be with you. How does he not miss me as much as I miss him? I feel very lost in the sense that I'd take him back in a heartbeat. There's no doubt I would.  

I used to be such a strong positive person and now all I can focus on is how he'll probably find someone else and be happy with that person and how it'll probably take me ages to even get over him. 

[katmisj]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It would be best to go to an ER or doctor asap. vomiting blood is a medical emergency, not due to "nerves" or a breakup.

I did go to the doctor, did and exam and started taking anti-acid for my stomach. It has been getting better. I've never been such a mess in my whole life 😞

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, katmisj said:

I did go to the doctor, did and exam and started taking anti-acid for my stomach. It has been getting better. I've never been such a mess in my whole life 😞

There's more you can do,such as healthier eating habits, getting involved in sports/fitness to reduce stress, etc.

Most of all get support from a qualified therapist. Also read up on binge and problem drinking. Substance misuse will make you feel like "a mess".

This isn't so much about him or "past trauma", as it is about unaddressed mental health and poor lifestyle issues in the present.

Something you have complete control over.

 

[katmisj]

I just feel like in general my head goes over and over questions as if I'm getting to an answer in which my brain will say: A-ha! You finally found the reason he's not worth it, now you can get over him. When in fact, I still see if he's online on whatsapp, wonder who he might me talking or what he's doing, whereas he's probably already happy with someone else and not even taking a minute to think about me. 

I just feel so frustrated with all of this. We only dated for four months. F O U R. And it was by far the most intense and caring relationship I've had in all of my life. I remember the last time I felt this sh*tty about a BU was 6 years ago. After that, I've had a few relationships here and there but always picked myself up and went on with it. I feel like this is some sick joke on me as to how someone just came into my life, turned it upside down and left. 

Yes, we had our differences, yes I did like going out more than he did, but I truly did not mind spending most of our time at home, having wine and such, I just would always say how I wished we'd go out more, to dinner and stuff, but that was it, I just wanted a little more understanding on his part. After our BU, the two weekends he went to parties with his friends. Like WTH? Why when I asked to got to the beach even I'd have to beg, but we break up and your friends don't even have to convince you to go to a party (which was something that I also had to ask and he'd throw it in my face afterwards that he did this, this and that for me)

Also I felt really uncomfortable as how he always didn't want to post anything with me, but would post selfies, stories with friends. The only time he tagged me on a stories, a few girls came to see my profile, when I went to look at their profiles and see who they were, my ex was liking ALL of their pictures. These were clearly girls that he had hooked up with or had intention to before we dated. I would express how that bothered me a bit, especially when he'd like girls in bikinis that he knew but hated that I wore skirts or a little bit of cleavage (hypocrite much?). But nothing that would turn into a fight, I would just say that it bothered me and he still didn't stop. I always felt that every time I said something I didn't like about him or wished was different, he'd act so surprised as if God forbid he had any flaws or would say like "none of my exes complained about that". I just felt bad sometimes. 

I think it's kind of funny that even a relationship I had in high school lasted more than this in where a guy said he wanted to live with me, he wanted to build a life with me and yet didn't even have the patience to work out our differences or communicate his needs clearly. Didn't even give it TIME. Just assumed we were too different yet he was always the one saying we needed to have communication but we never really did. I think if this were a LTR, the healing would be more rational, like "ok, we really didn't work out after trying for so long". I just feel like this guy came into my life and said so many things and then left so quickly and it just taught me not to trust anyone even when they tell you you can. 

Oh this is hell haha my mind never stops and I needed to vent a bit, sorry. 

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, katmisj said:

  it was by far the most intense 

Agree that's the aha moment. Intensity. Like a drug. 

Make sure you are following up with your sobriety support, therapists, doctors and try to stick to a healthier lifestyle .

At some level you know this has nothing to do with him.

It's all about intensity. Which of course provided some relief from your life and your troubles. But as a bandaid, just like drinking.