An end to a love story, or a beginning. Risking it all

[Zerojoshua]

My text messages to my girlfriend of 6months...

 

Perhaps I am going about wanting to protect this relationship in a niave and missinformed way.

Perhaps I'm too insecure for you to be honest, and you're just protecting me and what we have, a possible future.

Not hanging out with ex partners is something I do on purpose, because I want to invest in us with the goal of being best friends that can share anything with each other, say anything to each other.

I still believe we can have more than either of us can imagine together. You're a fkcing rock star, I see that..

You are still with me, even though you have seen me at my worst, and have never seen me fly.

***For me, corrisponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners without reasuring or talking to me about it is damaging to our relationship, and a deal breaker.

You've made your intentions about Kevin very clear and I look forward to meeting him some day. Because of that, I trust you with him.

But, I love you, and love is all I trust, perhaps I'm greedy, I want live and bask in love for the rest of my life, because with out it, we grow cold and alone.

You have loved me and shown me love, shouldn't that be enough, shouldn't I feel lucky and blessed, to live and breath in the moment?

And perhaps you don't want or are not ready for this type of commitment, and perhaps I spoke to soon. Reguardless, my heart feels liberated and free to love again..

Thanks to you...

 you are an amazing woman...

[DancingFool]

Are you seeking advice or just venting?

If you are seeking advice, can you provide some context to what's going on that prompted these texts? 

[Rose Mosse]

You will have to make up your mind whether this is a dealbreaker for you: "corresponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners".

If it is please do not bend yourself into a pretzel or some other convoluted shape accepting it in a partner.

Why profess your love for someone who is not 100% invested in the relationship as much as you are and also, why has she seen you at your worst but hasn't seen you "flying". Did she help you at a low point in your life? Health issues or divorce?

What's holding you back in other areas of your life?

[Zerojoshua]

Just now, DancingFool said:

Are you seeking advice or just venting?

If you are seeking advice, can you provide some context to what's going on that prompted these texts? 

She has a long history of abusive relationships and can only try to understand where she's comming from, everyone is out to get her, she doesn't know any different.  I am a transparent person, she can read everything on my phone till it bores her. She creates lists in her mind about why I'm a bad guy, which has always bothered me, because I feel like she is trying to sabatoge what we have. She belives that I'm trying to control her because I'm not ok with her texting or hanging out with her ex partners. She explodes and assumes I'm attacking or blaming her. I don't do arguments and stay away from anything that might rub her the wrong way. I pamper her, do chores, fix her stuff, message, she loves it, but pushes me away any time I mention her texting or hanging out with ex partners, that I don't trust her. 6 months in, and I've reached my patience limit.  I want her to flourish, with or with out me. My patience grows thin, and perhaps I've made a mistake and barried the hachet.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Zerojoshua said:

pushes me away any time I mention her texting or hanging out with ex partners, that I don't trust her. 6 months in, and I've reached my patience limit. 

Sorry this is happening. Agree 24 weeks dating is a good time to observe red flags and deal breakers.

Dating and texting on/off exes is odd and something to reflect on and if it's worth the headache of this type of high drama.

[Zerojoshua]

7 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You will have to make up your mind whether this is a dealbreaker for you: "corresponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners".

If it is please do not bend yourself into a pretzel or some other convoluted shape accepting it in a partner.

Why profess your love for someone who is not 100% invested in the relationship as much as you are and also, why has she seen you at your worst but hasn't seen you "flying". Did she help you at a low point in your life? Health issues or divorce?

What's holding you back in other areas of your life?

My self esteem was non existant when I met her, was divorced 6 years ago, and I feel and I've helped her the same. I want nothing but the best for her, and she is beyond an amazing woman and probably out of my league, but my fear of abandonment, the lack of Transparancy, combined with both of our abilities of self sabatog create undue strain for both of us.

[DancingFool]

Self esteem comes from...SELF. Sadly, when you don't feel worthy of a healthy relationship, you end up attracting unhealthy people with unhealthy boundaries.

This really boils down to you making excuses for her, rather than considering the possibility that she is doing what she wants. Meaning, that if she chooses abusive partners, there is something broken within her that needs fixing and the only person who can fix that is her. If she is carrying on with the abusive ex's, it's because she is choosing it because she is getting something beneficial out of that toxic connection. You can't control that or fix that for her.

What you can do and the ONLY thing you can do is recognize when something is not working for YOU and walk away. YOU have you decide for yourself that you are worth more than that.

At the end of the day, people will pay the price that you set. So whether you set your price high or low, you will get exactly what you are asking for.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds very complicated. Go back to the simple question of "are you happy" in this relationship? Is it fulfilling to you? Do you see yourself growing positively, feeling light and open to the future, encouraged by your partner's likeness? 

There are a lot of negatives you listed that would have others running for the hills and putting an end, full stop, to any further interactions. I think both of you have bonded over your divorces or ending of your prior marriages at low points and developed an unhealthy relationship.

[SooSad33]

46 minutes ago, Zerojoshua said:

She has a long history of abusive relationships and can only try to understand where she's comming from, everyone is out to get her, she doesn't know any different.  I am a transparent person, she can read everything on my phone till it bores her. She creates lists in her mind about why I'm a bad guy, which has always bothered me, because I feel like she is trying to sabatoge what we have. She belives that I'm trying to control her because I'm not ok with her texting or hanging out with her ex partners. She explodes and assumes I'm attacking or blaming her. I don't do arguments and stay away from anything that might rub her the wrong way.

With her feeling everyone is out to get her,, and her history, yes, seems she has been deeply affected 😕 

But, YOU cannot 'fix' her.  That's on her to do.

If you are uncertain about her actions & behaviour, this does not seem doable.

'Her lists of why you are a bad guy'?  - Her insecurities?

'She explodes at you' - Not good.

You, avoiding arguments...

None of this is good on you.  She is unstable and full of accusations & very nasty reactions.

A couple should feel good when involved.  Not fear communications or like you are walking on eggshells.

Is best you remove yourself for your own well-being.  This, with her will do you no good!

AND, if you struggle with self esteem, this will make you worse!

 

[Zerojoshua]

22 hours ago, Zerojoshua said:

My text messages to my girlfriend of 6months...

 

Perhaps I am going about wanting to protect this relationship in a niave and missinformed way.

Perhaps I'm too insecure for you to be honest, and you're just protecting me and what we have, a possible future.

Not hanging out with ex partners is something I do on purpose, because I want to invest in us with the goal of being best friends that can share anything with each other, say anything to each other.

I still believe we can have more than either of us can imagine together. You're a fkcing rock star, I see that..

You are still with me, even though you have seen me at my worst, and have never seen me fly.

***For me, corrisponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners without reasuring or talking to me about it is damaging to our relationship, and a deal breaker.

You've made your intentions about Kevin very clear and I look forward to meeting him some day. Because of that, I trust you with him.

But, I love you, and love is all I trust, perhaps I'm greedy, I want live and bask in love for the rest of my life, because with out it, we grow cold and alone.

You have loved me and shown me love, shouldn't that be enough, shouldn't I feel lucky and blessed, to live and breath in the moment?

And perhaps you don't want or are not ready for this type of commitment, and perhaps I spoke to soon. Reguardless, my heart feels liberated and free to love again..

Thanks to you...

 you are an amazing woman...

Once again, after the confrontation, and the upset, the mute topic that keeps persisting, a source of anxiety that we are both suffering from, that I'm not allowed to discuss, deflection, secrecy.

So, I stop showering her with my attention, my affection, the reminder texts of how amazing I think she is, how much I love her, the touching, the massages, pondering how I am end this source of conflict, dispute, and disagreement of what commitment is. A breach of my contract, but not hers.

She responds the same way she always does, by being kind and affectionate, showering me with her love, her attention.

Even though or if she hasn't had sex with her ex-partners, I can't be comfortable until I meet them, get to know them, to understand their relationship, the cause of secrecy, the hiding, she thinks she's protecting me, brags about me to her friends and that are now my friends.

Even if there is love, our contracts don't align, and are causing us drama and trauma, something she might be used to, but I am not.

A deal breaker, my love is fading, I can no longer reciprocate her love for me, that seems to shine more as I pull away.

I am looking for a best friend for life, I gave up having sex with those that I don't have an emotional connection with long ago, in my 20's.

[Wiseman2]

Why not set both yourselves free from this turmoil? 

[Zerojoshua]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why not set both yourselves free from this turmoil? 

Although I'm beginning to understand the why's, I'm also hoping to find the courage, and to end things mutually and peacably. Neither one of us deserve misunderstanding and heartache. Somehow she thinks this is a healthy relationship, and I cannot begin to fathom what she might have been through in her past.

 

[Rose Mosse]

8 minutes ago, Zerojoshua said:

Once again, after the confrontation, and the upset, the mute topic that keeps persisting, a source of anxiety that we are both suffering from, that I'm not allowed to discuss, deflection, secrecy.

So, I stop showering her with my attention, my affection, the reminder texts of how amazing I think she is, how much I love her, the touching, the massages, pondering how I am end this source of conflict, dispute, and disagreement of what commitment is. A breach of my contract, but not hers.

She responds the same way she always does, by being kind and affectionate, showering me with her love, her attention.

Even though or if she hasn't had sex with her ex-partners, I can't be comfortable until I meet them, get to know them, to understand their relationship, the cause of secrecy, the hiding, she thinks she's protecting me, brags about me to her friends and that are now my friends.

Even if there is love, our contracts don't align, and are causing us drama and trauma, something she might be used to, but I am not.

A deal breaker, my love is fading, I can no longer reciprocate her love for me, that seems to shine more as I pull away.

I am looking for a best friend for life, I gave up having sex with those that I don't have an emotional connection with long ago, in my 20's.

Are you saying the communication is dysfunctional and you're anxious but yet you're both "showering" each other with attention/affection/love? 

How is this love though? Attention and affection, perhaps, but how is this love at all if there's no harmony and understanding between individuals? 

All you're both doing is ignoring the gross dissimilarities between the both of you and placating a dysfunctional relationship. There's no likeness or meeting of the minds. A big rift. A large divide. If you can communicate more effectively or be on the same page regarding your friends or exes or share some fundamental beliefs it would help but you're finding it hard to live or exist in this relationship because of your differences. 

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, Zerojoshua said:

Although I'm beginning to understand the why's, I'm also hoping to find the courage, and to end things mutually and peacably. Neither one of us deserve misunderstanding and heartache. Somehow she thinks this is a healthy relationship, and I cannot begin to fathom what she might have been through in her past.

 

First off, text messages should be saved for brief ditties like: I love you. Have a good day. Or: Can we meet at 6 instead of 5? I forgot I need to stop at the bank and fill up my tank, yada yada.

Heavy conversations should be saved for in person, or at the least, a phone call.

Sorry, but your zen approach of peaceably and mutually ending things might not be doable, and that's okay. You just need to do you. You be peaceable. You practice self-love and don't accept what makes you uncomfortable, twisting yourself in knots over her choice to keep exes in her orbit. No, this might be okay with a minority of people, but clearly not for you. Me neither. 

Your texts sound more like coddling and speaks volumes of you being a doormat. Not that it matters for her learning lessons, but she's not learning her behavior will be a dealbreaker to most. She's learning that her attractiveness will override her bad behavior when it comes to men with low self worth, whom she likely reels in, knowing a mentally healthy guy won't give her the time of day.

Stop with your long diatribes. Tell her, "This isn't working for me. I wish the best." And then go no contact. She will continue on with her life, just like she did a mere six months ago before she met you. 

Stay single and work on your self esteem. Otherwise you will continue repeating a pattern of picking broken partners.

[Zerojoshua]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you saying the communication is dysfunctional and you're anxious but yet you're both "showering" each other with attention/affection/love? 

How is this love though? Attention and affection, perhaps, but how is this love at all if there's no harmony and understanding between individuals? 

All you're both doing is ignoring the gross dissimilarities between the both of you and placating a dysfunctional relationship. There's no likeness or meeting of the minds. A big rift. A large divide. If you can communicate more effectively or be on the same page regarding your friends or exes or share some fundamental beliefs it would help but you're finding it hard to live or exist in this relationship because of your differences. 

I'm very transparent and open, and always willing to communicate, unless there is hostility or spite involved, which is never an option for me.

She is not used to being with an open and transparent person, and often views them as a weakness, something that grown men don't do, but still, she is slowly becomming more open, less hostile, and more transparent, but more so when I start pulling away.

 

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[Rose Mosse]

30 minutes ago, Zerojoshua said:

I'm very transparent and open, and always willing to communicate, unless there is hostility or spite involved, which is never an option for me.

She is not used to being with an open and transparent person, and often views them as a weakness, something that grown men don't do, but still, she is slowly becomming more open, less hostile, and more transparent, but more so when I start pulling away.

That push and pull is a passive aggressive method of hostility. You may not ascribe to open hostility but that kind of manipulation will turn off healthy individuals.

Why she's interested in you even more when you engage that way is in a different realm altogether. Just end it if it's not right for you and wish her the best.  I'm sure you're aware of what you're doing engaging in that type of interaction. It probably goes against your tranparency and openness also. 

 

[Zerojoshua]

I agree, it's unhealthy for both of us.

 

[catfeeder]

I can only speak for myself, and I don't 'prescribe' this for anyone else--I just have my own clarity.

I will not involve myself with anyone who remains involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children.

You are learning WHY.

I'd tell GF that I adore her, and that's why I'm walking away while we still think highly of one another. If she ever finishes her old business and is completely free and clear of any contact with any exes, and she wants to pursue a committed relationship with me, she can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish her the very best.

This keeps your door open for a change IF she wishes to make it. You're deciding for yourself what YOU want, and it's not someone who's messed up enough to keep ex abusers in her life.

Head high.