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Zerojoshua's Achievements


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  1. I'm very transparent and open, and always willing to communicate, unless there is hostility or spite involved, which is never an option for me. She is not used to being with an open and transparent person, and often views them as a weakness, something that grown men don't do, but still, she is slowly becomming more open, less hostile, and more transparent, but more so when I start pulling away.
  2. Although I'm beginning to understand the why's, I'm also hoping to find the courage, and to end things mutually and peacably. Neither one of us deserve misunderstanding and heartache. Somehow she thinks this is a healthy relationship, and I cannot begin to fathom what she might have been through in her past.
  3. Once again, after the confrontation, and the upset, the mute topic that keeps persisting, a source of anxiety that we are both suffering from, that I'm not allowed to discuss, deflection, secrecy. So, I stop showering her with my attention, my affection, the reminder texts of how amazing I think she is, how much I love her, the touching, the massages, pondering how I am end this source of conflict, dispute, and disagreement of what commitment is. A breach of my contract, but not hers. She responds the same way she always does, by being kind and affectionate, showering me with her love, her attention. Even though or if she hasn't had sex with her ex-partners, I can't be comfortable until I meet them, get to know them, to understand their relationship, the cause of secrecy, the hiding, she thinks she's protecting me, brags about me to her friends and that are now my friends. Even if there is love, our contracts don't align, and are causing us drama and trauma, something she might be used to, but I am not. A deal breaker, my love is fading, I can no longer reciprocate her love for me, that seems to shine more as I pull away. I am looking for a best friend for life, I gave up having sex with those that I don't have an emotional connection with long ago, in my 20's.
  4. My self esteem was non existant when I met her, was divorced 6 years ago, and I feel and I've helped her the same. I want nothing but the best for her, and she is beyond an amazing woman and probably out of my league, but my fear of abandonment, the lack of Transparancy, combined with both of our abilities of self sabatog create undue strain for both of us.
  5. She has a long history of abusive relationships and can only try to understand where she's comming from, everyone is out to get her, she doesn't know any different. I am a transparent person, she can read everything on my phone till it bores her. She creates lists in her mind about why I'm a bad guy, which has always bothered me, because I feel like she is trying to sabatoge what we have. She belives that I'm trying to control her because I'm not ok with her texting or hanging out with her ex partners. She explodes and assumes I'm attacking or blaming her. I don't do arguments and stay away from anything that might rub her the wrong way. I pamper her, do chores, fix her stuff, message, she loves it, but pushes me away any time I mention her texting or hanging out with ex partners, that I don't trust her. 6 months in, and I've reached my patience limit. I want her to flourish, with or with out me. My patience grows thin, and perhaps I've made a mistake and barried the hachet.
  6. My text messages to my girlfriend of 6months... Perhaps I am going about wanting to protect this relationship in a niave and missinformed way. Perhaps I'm too insecure for you to be honest, and you're just protecting me and what we have, a possible future. Not hanging out with ex partners is something I do on purpose, because I want to invest in us with the goal of being best friends that can share anything with each other, say anything to each other. I still believe we can have more than either of us can imagine together. You're a fkcing rock star, I see that.. You are still with me, even though you have seen me at my worst, and have never seen me fly. ***For me, corrisponding, messaging, or hanging out with ex partners without reasuring or talking to me about it is damaging to our relationship, and a deal breaker. You've made your intentions about Kevin very clear and I look forward to meeting him some day. Because of that, I trust you with him. But, I love you, and love is all I trust, perhaps I'm greedy, I want live and bask in love for the rest of my life, because with out it, we grow cold and alone. You have loved me and shown me love, shouldn't that be enough, shouldn't I feel lucky and blessed, to live and breath in the moment? And perhaps you don't want or are not ready for this type of commitment, and perhaps I spoke to soon. Reguardless, my heart feels liberated and free to love again.. Thanks to you... you are an amazing woman...
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