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Puppy has been killed by car - i am angry with family


ninjabib
My Shih Tzu puppy is Mad as Mom don...
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10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Can you meet the kids outside her home?

Can you?  You are the one who wishes to keep in contact with them. It is beside the point whether she says boo to them or not.

Besides, you won't see them anyhow once you move over to the U.S. 

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7 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I thought she didn't like males (you and the puppy)?   

She doesn't but she wont do anything against her daughter. She will see the boy as another part of her daughter. I also believe she abused me because i was a child and couldnt fight back. Easy pickings i guess. Both parents stopped beating me in my early teens when i started to grow.

Her hatred of men comes from her father i believe.  Her side of the family are eastern european in origin. Her mom escaped the nazi death camps but her father didn't. He escaped the nazi camps and survivied the war and moved here but then he became an alcoholic after the war due to concentratoin camp trauma i guess and beat up my moms mothers at home so she said she hates men because of what she saw  ( i never met her father, my grandfather, i met her mother once as a young boy and i specifically remember she was vile too)

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7 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Can you?  You are the one who wishes to keep in contact with them. It is beside the point whether she says boo to them or not.

Besides, you won't see them anyhow once you move over to the U.S. 

Well before all this i was going to suggest they all come and stay with me twice a year but now i dont know. I definitely want to stay in touch with my niece and nephew though.

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2 minutes ago, ninjabib said:

She doesn't but she wont do anything against her daughter. She will see the boy as another part of her daughter. I also believe she abused me because i was a child and couldnt fight back. Easy pickings i guess. Both parents stopped beating me in my early teens when i started to grow.

Her hatred of men comes from her father i believe.  Her side of the family are eastern european in origin. Her mom escaped the nazi death camps but her father didn't. He escaped the nazi camps and survivied the war and moved here but then he became an alcoholic after the war due to concentratoin camp trauma i guess and beat up my moms mothers at home so she said she hates men because of what she saw  ( i never met her father, my grandfather, i met her mother once as a young boy and i specifically remember she was vile too)

 Either she hates males or she doesn't.   

I am so sorry that you have dealt with all of this.   

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3 minutes ago, ninjabib said:

Well before all this i was going to suggest they all come and stay with me twice a year but now i dont know

You know, OP, I am beginning to doubt your grasp on reality. Instead of getting away and making a life for yourself (assuming this is what you intend) you were actually thinking of bringing this vile person across the ocean to stay with you!  

Once your niece and nephew are a little older they can travel alone (if you are absolutely set on that) and visit you without her. 

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Just now, LaHermes said:

You know, OP, I am beginning to doubt your grasp on reality. Instead of getting away and making a life for yourself (assuming this is what you intend) you were actually thinking of bringing this vile person across the ocean to stay with you!  

Once your niece and nephew are a little older they can travel alone (if you are absolutely set on that) and visit you without her. 

I don't get this.

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1 minute ago, Hollyj said:

 Either she hates males or she doesn't.   

I am so sorry that you have dealt with all of this.   

She told me that she hates all males and always has done since i was a child and that she never wanted me so i dont know what it all means, i gave up trying to figure both parents out a long time ago. She has probably only said it once or twice in the last few years though about hating males so maybe shes seeing the lunacy of her ways.

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Until todays news for the last 7 or so years she seemed to have changed a great deal and thats why i mentioned in the past my thoughts were to have them all over. Now i know shes still a bully underneath it all i'll just let the kids come.

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1 minute ago, ninjabib said:

She told me that she hates all males and always has done since i was a child and that she never wanted me so i dont know what it all means, i gave up trying to figure both parents out a long time ago. She has probably only said it once or twice in the last few years though about hating males so maybe shes seeing the lunacy of her ways.

C'mon.   It almost seems like you are purposely trying to hurt yourself by staying involved with your mother and sister.   So many excuses and reasons to stick around.   

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1 minute ago, ninjabib said:

She has probably only said it once or twice in the last few years though about hating males so maybe shes seeing the lunacy of her ways.

I doubt it OP. The deranged don't have much in the line of insight. I still cannot understand why you would want her to even set foot in your eventual new home, whether abroad or elsewhere. 

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Just now, Hollyj said:

C'mon.   It almost seems like you are purposely trying to hurt yourself by staying involved with your mother and sister.   So many excuses and reasons to stick around.   

I'm not going to after todays news. I dont know whether i'm sending confusing messages on here. Im going to maintain minimal essential contact. Thats it.

When i used to go years without speaking to either parent my life was so much better for me but then she seemed to be trying to change so i thought i would give her a chance as it was better than holding onto bad feelings and memories about it all. I was wrong.

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I've emailed my therapist to see when he's back to work because this has opened a whole new can of worms for me. I do thank you both for challenging me and my thoughts, genuinely.

 

I just want my boy back but i know he's not coming back.

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2 minutes ago, ninjabib said:

I'm not going to after todays news. I dont know whether i'm sending confusing messages on here. Im going to maintain minimal essential contact. Thats it.

When i used to go years without speaking to either parent my life was so much better for me but then she seemed to be trying to change so i thought i would give her a chance as it was better than holding onto bad feelings and memories about it all. I was wrong.

You have all of the info you need.  This is who she is.   

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OMG, I cannot tell you how very sorry I am for the loss of that precious little puppy.  My heart goes out to you, ninjabib.  I realise that everyone makes mistakes, however, this was TOTALLY avoidable.  I dislike pointing fingers but your sister was very irresponsible, knowing that the puppy was able to jump the fence.  I know she must be very sorry but that doesn't bring the poor little puppy back.

You have every right to feel hurt, angry, enraged and upset.  You show great maturity to stay away until you have calmed down.  I commend you for that.  Take all the time you need.  You need it.  Sending big hugs to you, my dear.

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I'm sorry for your loss and pain.

Try your best to remain civil and peaceful.  

No sense dredging up the past whether it's about your beloved dog or wrongs.  If you do, all it will cause is more arguments and fighting.  Everyone will become heated and defensive. 

For tense households, the best thing to do is to remain calm and peaceful even in difficult situations.  In other words, exercise self control.  Carry yourself with aplomb always.  Possess decorum always.  This is how you have class. 

In difficult situations, remain gracious and respectful even though it is challenging.  Don't act unnatural but don't get emotional either because emotion clouds your judgment. 

I've found that in non-idyllic relationships, it's best to maintain peace and calm.  I've found the alternative such as arguing, fighting, animosity and lashing out whether verbally or electronically, (or gaslighting) will create unnecessary extra stress today, you won't sleep well and you have to face escalated ugliness again tomorrow.  It's NOT worth it. 

Peace is best even though it's not an ideal situation.  I'm this way with some people in my life.  It's my way of enforcing healthy boundaries for myself and others.  We are peaceful even though I feel internally distant towards them.  I'm still well mannered, respectful and polite even though we're not chummy.  It works. 

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43 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm sorry for your loss and pain.

Try your best to remain civil and peaceful.  

No sense dredging up the past whether it's about your beloved dog or wrongs.  If you do, all it will cause is more arguments and fighting.  Everyone will become heated and defensive. 

For tense households, the best thing to do is to remain calm and peaceful even in difficult situations.  In other words, exercise self control.  Carry yourself with aplomb always.  Possess decorum always.  This is how you have class. 

In difficult situations, remain gracious and respectful even though it is challenging.  Don't act unnatural but don't get emotional either because emotion clouds your judgment. 

I've found that in non-idyllic relationships, it's best to maintain peace and calm.  I've found the alternative such as arguing, fighting, animosity and lashing out whether verbally or electronically, (or gaslighting) will create unnecessary extra stress today, you won't sleep well and you have to face escalated ugliness again tomorrow.  It's NOT worth it. 

Peace is best even though it's not an ideal situation.  I'm this way with some people in my life.  It's my way of enforcing healthy boundaries for myself and others.  We are peaceful even though I feel internally distant towards them.  I'm still well mannered, respectful and polite even though we're not chummy.  It works. 

Please look at the responses further into the thread.  

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14 hours ago, Hollyj said:

Please look at the responses further into the thread.  

Yes, I agree. This isn't a "tense household" or a bratty relative. This is abusive and negligent family members. And his mom abused his pup, in front of his niece and nephew! That's the time to stand up and make it known what you are all about. And yup, those kids are watching all this. They are learning what happens when there is abuse in this family. Will anyone do anything when there is abuse, or do people push it under the carpet and act like it's no big deal - normalize it? 

They saw their grandma beat the family dog and it was strangers who stood up to her. Then they had to go home with her. And act like things were normal. 

Ninja has an opportunity to be a safe place and advocate and example for them. They need someone, even she doesn't physically lift a hand to them, they are impacted by living around abuse and neglect. 

 

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