Book recommendations after break up?

[hidden_kitten]

Hello all,

Back here again after being dumped out of the blue. Two year relationship. Me 33, him 35. We were discussing moving in around the 1 yr mark but then the pandemic threw that out the window. A couple of weeks before breaking up with me, he brought up moving in together now that arranging house viewing/moving is allowed, so I had no idea that he was thinking of leaving. The reasons he gave for breaking up are that he’s unhappy, fallen out of love with me and isn’t sure if the stress of the last year contributed to it but says I deserve better. No offer to work on it at all. 
 

I feel so rejected and tossed aside after supporting him through the nightmare of last year.

 

Now I have a lot of free time on my hands I’m wondering what books/worksheets have helped others in my situation.

I have a couple but they mainly seem geared toward divorce/shared parenting.

Thanks in advance.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm sorry to hear this. I haven't followed your story but the book that I laughed at and with after I separated from my spouse was Stay Sexy And Don't Get Murdered by Karen Kilgariff and Giorgia Hardstark. I didn't use any self help books or serious material. Life is serious enough as it is and I had a strong support network so had access to a lot of other resources if I needed it. This book was hilarious enough to hit the right topics, ironic and candid without being preachy, OTT or boring. 

I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for. Hang in there. Things will look up soon. Just be patient with yourself. 

[SooSad33]

HE mentioned moving in together a cpl weeks before he ended things?  Wow :/ 

Sorry for your loss of the relationship 😞 .  Yeah, it hurts - but for whatever reason's he's got for this, was his choice.  And is good this was done before you actually moved in together...

I went thru a few failed relations, and I was quite curious, trying to 'figure the mind out of Men' . . and many in general, as I've studied psychology a few ways.

Last year, I finally found 'Men are from Mars, women from Venus', online.  It helps understand , how different we are;.. From how they show 'affection' and how they react, think, etc.

So, maybe this can actually help YOU see a some things that you may not be aware of?

There are also many books out there with 'Chicken soup for the Soul' etc. (Tough times, tough people... Teenagers...Think Possible.... Woman's Soul...).

 

[Jibralta]

I found it useful to steep myself in pathos after a tough break up. I basically pulled every self-help book I could find off of the shelf, watched a lot of Oprah-stuff, watched a lot of self-help youtube stuff, like Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer. Byron Katie is good, too.... but she's a little out there.

I'm not normally a pathos-dweller, though. I just visit the region during difficult events.

I also spent time with friends and talked to them about the problems that they were having. I don't know why, but it helped me feel better to help others when I was in a tough spot like that. Maybe it got my mind off of my own problems? I'm not sure. My empathy definitely rises at times like that.

 

 

[hidden_kitten]

Thank you both,

@Rose Mosse I may well check that out, I could open a self help library yet here I am so I think something a bit lighter is needed! I love the title.

 

@SooSad33 Yep, felt like a punch in the gut. On retrospect I think he was just using me to fill a void and was offering the whole 'let's play house' thing then realised it wouldn't work. Of course by this point I had fallen for him. I am SO glad we didn't move in already - means my mortgage deposit can go towards finding my own place instead. May have done some online retail therapy tonight 🙃. For some reason I've given "Men are from Mars..." a wide berth but think I do need to give it a go. Might shed some light on why I've hung on to these idiots for so long and not getting out sooner.

[Jibralta]

A good book, not necessarily a break up book, but one that I think will help you is The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck.

 

[SooSad33]

3 minutes ago, hidden_kitten said:

my mortgage deposit can go towards finding my own place instead. May have done some online retail therapy tonight 🙃. For some reason I've given "Men are from Mars..." a wide berth but think I do need to give it a go. Might shed some light on why I've hung on to these idiots for so long and not getting out sooner.

So often because we get too emotionally invested and we have to realize our own self worth - get that inner strength and get OUT of that, we do not deserve/ won't tolerate.

I've learned a lot over the yrs.. some crap is unbelievable, but I am stronger now & know what I deserve. 😉 

[Wiseman2]

Nick Dawson

No Breakup Can Break You.

[catfeeder]

Did you believe over this last year that the two of you synched well and enjoyed the kind of simpatico that you really want in a committed relationship?

[hidden_kitten]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

Did you believe over this last year that the two of you synched well and enjoyed the kind of simpatico that you really want in a committed relationship?

Hmm, I guess we didn't. Our living arrangements made it difficult - I lived in another town with my parents and he lived with his father, who didn't give us much space when I visited....current lockdown restrictions meant we couldn't go anywhere else for space. He suffers from bad anxiety and depression, but he then says the most recent bout was triggered by him trying to decide if he really loved me or not, oof!

I'm loyal to a fault but I hope in the future to recognise when a partner truly means when he says he's in for the long haul.

[catfeeder]

17 minutes ago, hidden_kitten said:

17 minutes ago, hidden_kitten said:

Did you believe over this last year that the two of you synched well and enjoyed the kind of simpatico that you really want in a committed relationship?

Hmm, I guess we didn't. [...]

I'm loyal to a fault but I hope in the future to recognise when a partner truly means when he says he's in for the long haul.

I understand. My question about syncing and simpatico was designed to help you tune into that.

If you are 'loyal to a fault,' then you may be overlooking what kind of a match you are actually settling for. And if you don't allow yourself to notice when it's not such a great one, you're not only wasting your time, you're also tuning out the likelihood that HE will notice and want to find a better match for himself.

So maybe what you can take from this is valuable information about settling for less that you really want and deserve. If you do that, it's not a ticket to a shared future, it's a setup for a breakup down the road when the guy decides that just because YOU will settle, that doesn't mean that he wants to.

Raise your bar and hold out for nothing less than a GOOD relationship. This doesn't mean you won't have some ups and downs--but the ups need to dominate in order to make the downs worth it.

 

[1a1a]

He’s Scared She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It might not apply to your situation at all but that being blindsided by a loss of interest, it will cover that. 

[Wiseman2]

I would like to say the DSM5, but hey, everyone's ex is in there.

Also try books that are important to you in general. A new hobby, interest. etc.

 

[hidden_kitten]

On 2/22/2021 at 1:28 AM, catfeeder said:

If you are 'loyal to a fault,' then you may be overlooking what kind of a match you are actually settling for. And if you don't allow yourself to notice when it's not such a great one, you're not only wasting your time, you're also tuning out the likelihood that HE will notice and want to find a better match for himself.

 

I’ve had to sit with your words for a few days - I’d never considered it from this angle before.

For the most part I thought I got on well with him, we didn’t argue or fight (says there was a lot of arguing and shouting toward the end of his marriage, so I thought we were doing ok), and while there were some factors that I wasn’t hot on I thought if I was committed and patient we would get through it.

In the future I will have to be stricter with myself and what I’ll accept, but underneath I’m worried that this shrinks the dating pool even further.

[catfeeder]

57 minutes ago, hidden_kitten said:

In the future I will have to be stricter with myself and what I’ll accept, but underneath I’m worried that this shrinks the dating pool even further.

You don't need a big pool, you need the RIGHT pool. 

What's the value in trying to appeal to 'the masses' when you're looking for ONE match--the RIGHT match for you?

That's the point of dating--to find the RIGHT match, not just 'any' match.

So allow wrong matches to pass early. If you try to cram a bad fit into your picture frame, it's not going to work--no matter what you do.

Raise your bar. If you don't believe that you deserve great simpatico and REAL love, then you will rip yourself off settling for less. And you'll suffer dis-illusion-ment when the guy is the one who recognizes that you're both settling for less than you each deserve.

Head high, we all need to live this stuff to learn it.

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

What's the value in trying to appeal to 'the masses' when you're looking for ONE match--the RIGHT match for you?

Exactly. Ideally, you want to shrink that pool down to one person. So, be discerning!