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Should I keep seeing him?


robys2

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I'm in my 30s, I had a long term relationship through my 20s which should have ended much sooner than it did. I believed his nonsense that he was more important than me and I was lucky to have him and I beat myself up a lot that I didn't get out of it sooner, and let him get away with a lot of awful behaviour. (I've since had some therapy to process all this).

I've now been single nearly four years. It took me a long while to get over the hurt of my long term relationship. I'm very outgoing, confident, have a good job, my own home, a big group of friends and will happily meet people for drinks and coffees from online dating. 

My problem is, since I've been out of my long term relationship, I've only managed to have very short lived relationships with people. Once I get to know them, they seem to repeat the behaviour I experience with my ex and become very elusive and non committal. I then end up upset that I've opened up and been vulnerable with someone and it makes me want to run away from dating all over again.

I've recently been on a few dates with a guy who is a really lovely person. He has plenty of time for me, wants the same life goals, isn't unattractive looking, but even though he has all the traits I want, I just don't seem to be attracted to him. I don't feel excited.

My heart tells me it's time to call it off with this guy and not lead him on if I'm not excited about him, he deserves better than someone who's unsure. But something inside me is hesitant because I know I can't fall back in to the same pattern of dating unavailable men, while this guy is actually offering everything I want. Have I given it enough of a chance?

Is it worth persevering with him if I don't feel that 'spark'? I would never have contemplated dating someone without a spark in the past, but I get so anxious about the thought of leading him on that I want to end it, but I don't want to regret my decision! I don't trust my judgement after a string of failed relationships 😞

 

 

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5 hours ago, robys2 said:

But something inside me is hesitant because I know I can't fall back in to the same pattern of dating unavailable men, while this guy is actually offering everything I want.

I feel something inside of you is pulling away, maybe due to fear?

Could maybe be just that - as you call it no spark?

How is it you feel you are not 'excited' about him?  Has only been a few dates?  Maybe give this a little more time?

Or do you think, you are just not ready or into this at all?

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I used to give it four dates.  If by then I didn't enjoy kissing him or have the desire to kiss him I moved on.  I too was attracted to unavailable men (not married -unavailable as you described) but I also wasn't attracted to men who tried too hard/potential to be a doormat, etc.  

If you don't feel the spark then by definition he doesn't have all you want although he might be Mr. Right for Now or Mr. Right on Paper.  I know how frustrating it is - I can relate!! (I didn't marry until 42 -took me years to become the right person to find the right person!)

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Sure there will be plenty of guys who look good on paper..but anyone knows you need more than that. It's only one piece of the puzzle. There will be someone there for you....just don't jump at the first "nice guy" because you think you will end up with a Dbag again. You need to clear this thing about your ex out of your head....he is no longer the issue. Have some confidence in yourself. You know the jerks, you know their personality, easily avoided now. So you are set, give yourself some credit. Just keep doing what you are doing, and eventually you will find someone. It only takes one right? Dating is no cakewalk, it's frustrating, a lot of weirdos out there...we have all been there, feeling the same way. It's OK to be disappointed, but don't let that slow you down.

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16 hours ago, robys2 said:

isn't unattractive looking

I believe that physical attraction is important. How attracted are you to him, really?

 

Also, excitement in itself is temporary.

So, my suggestion is to be more specific. What do you believe makes someone exciting / attractive? What qualities or behaviours get you all giddy and make you smile? Where does he fit into all of that?

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On 2/7/2021 at 7:10 AM, robys2 said:

I don't want to regret my decision! I don't trust my judgement after a string of failed relationships

One way to break that string would be to stop dating people who aren't right for you.

Rather than labeling relationships as failures, why not view them as just staying too long with the wrong person?

Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. This means that most perfectly kind and good people are just not RIGHT for us.

Wrong matches don't need to be villains.

Dating is a 'needle in a haystack' thing. That's why it requires the discretion to know your own mind and heart, the ability to recognize bad matches when you meet them, and the resilience to allow wrong matches to pass early as you keep moving forward to find simpatico.

Really, isn't simpatico what you want? Someone who 'gets you' and can view you through the right lens? Someone who you 'click' with and are actually more sure of than not?

Hold out for that. You will thank yourself later.

 

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