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In love with roommate, she doesnt feel the same, stuck here for 12 months, watching her date someone


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Title is basicly a TLDR.

We've been friends for about 14 years, moved in together to escape our (separate) previous living situations. I've always thought she was cute but never allowed myself to think anything of it (shes also my best mates ex fml). With the covid lockdown we basically were isolated to each other. Nothing happened, but i started noticing her and thinking about her alot. Realized im in love with her. Tried to push the feels away. When the restrictions ended, she was meeting up with a guy... she got home late and noticed i was in a bad way. Asked me what was up, told her i have feelings for her. She said straight up it will never be more than friends. 

Since then ive felt like literal ***ing death. She sees this dude every weekend and i cant escape it (hes an old friend from my childhood aswell).  She wont admit they're together but its bloody obvious they are... 

Stuck in this lease for 12 more months and im just getting angrier and more depressed. I feel im losing the ability to cope, i feel im going to do something stupid to myself if i dont have some kind of conversation with her but i feel its both in vain & it will make the situation worse, but i cant deal with this *** in silence. I wish i could be happy for her and that i didnt feel this way but yeah, i definitely do and i cant help it...

I've delt with alot of death and pain in my life, but this *** really takes the cheese.

I dont even think anyone can advise on this situation, its super messy and ***. I just need to vent somehow. But im open to feedback/criticism.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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33 minutes ago, outbackbandit said:

Asked me what was up, told her i have feelings for her. She said straight up it will never be more than friends. 

I feel im losing the ability to cope, i feel im going to do something stupid to myself if i dont have some kind of conversation with her

I'm sorry for your pain.  It can't be easy living with her for 12 months.  That said, you really don't need to have any conversation with her about the situation because she already told you straight up that it will never be more than friends.  There's nothing left to say (imo).

What is of much more concern is you losing the ability to cope and wanting to do something to yourself.  Please seek help.  See a doctor, get a referral to a counsellor/therapist to help you.

Do you have any friends/family for support?

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40 minutes ago, outbackbandit said:

 moved in together to escape our (separate) previous living situations. 

 She said straight up it will never be more than friends. 

Sorry this happened. What living situations were you trying to escape?

Keep in mind your agreement was and still is "roommates". 

You need to respect that. If you are lonely, you need to find something else to do. You can't harass or pester her.

It's a business arrangement, not a love affair. 

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This is really a tough situation because it is impossible to distance yourself physically. As others said you have to respect her choice.

At the same time, you somehow need to take emotional distance from her situation. Where I live there are phone lines for psychological support available for people who find it challenging to cope with the isolation. Your problem is not exactly this, but is compounded by the lock down. If there is such support line, perhaps you could call?

Also, could you place an add to find a replacement room mate to take up you lease? And you move elsewhere? I guess the landlord will not object.

Thirdly, perhaps join on-line dating, at least you will chat with other women. 

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Yeah.. darn emotions! 😞 

But, as mentioned YOU have to really try hard at this.  You NEED to divert your attention - to NOTHING regarding her.

You caught feelings, but this is not on her.  She spoke up early enough- and was honest about it.

Now... you aim your focus away from all of that.. VENT in different ways.  Get outside.. go for walks.. get physical.. don't sit around in there 24/7 lulling over all of this. (fact: you two were never actually involved), so you just need to get past and over the mountain of emotions...

I understand how hard it can be - but it can be done ( I have an ex literallly across the road and he moved on- darn right it hurts.. to see him with someone else- I HAD to do my best to work through everything).

Mind Over Matter.... IMO, you led yourself on.. to believe something will be... But, it never actually did.

You two have no past.. but you built something up in your mind that it could be...So, now you need to undo that.

Like I said... put your mind to other things... hobby? Hang more with friends.. and just work on accepting.

You two are friends... and that's enough. ( Besides, once you go 'beyond friendship' so often it ends up messing up that friendship you once had - messy 😞 

Be glad this never went anywhere.. If she is a real, decent person- be happy you two do still have a friendship.


One day at a time.... accept, move along.  Get over all of this  and get yourself & life back! 😉

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She's not bringing the guy around is she? or is she gone for the weekend?, You two can work something out where you don't have to see each other like go out while she's there, or stay in your room and switch out alternating nights when you can be in the living area. Go stay with a friend, a few nights out of the week. And yes find someone to take over your portion of the lease and live with someone else.

Keeping busy keeps the mind from dwelling on negative thoughts.

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Nthing you thought yourself into this and you’ll need to think yourself out of it. Perception shifts, appreciate the things in the friendship you appreciate, remind yourself of those. Think about what you’ll do to increase your chances of meeting someone you can share mutual attraction with, start doing those things. 

Imagine she didn’t exist, what would you be doing right now in pursuit of living your best life? 

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Your options are. Move back home. Find another place. Both of which is a breach of contract with the landlord and roommate.

You can't run around through life expecting everyone to jump through hoops because of your feelings. Get over it.

.Keep your feelings in check. You have 100% control over that. Start making friends,get involved in work, school, sport, interests,etc Stay Busy. Very Busy.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.

The agreement was roommates. So you need to honor that.

Just like you don't leave everyone in the lurch at work by quitting because you developed a crush on someone. Learn to control your emotions.



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