ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 I’m in a committed relationship with a man I love but I constantly crave male attention. I feel really bad about it but I’m almost addicted. When I get a text from a guy who I think may like me, I get excited and I entertain it. I never go any further than messaging them. My partner is fully aware of the entire situation, even the messages and is as understanding as he can be. So I’m wondering if this is something that a lot of people experience or am I just crazy? Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 What happens if you stop doing it? Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, Jibralta said: What happens if you stop doing it? I feel unwanted or undesirable even though my partner gives me a lot of attention. I had a very absent father so maybe that’s why Link to comment
Rose Mosse Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 I haven't felt this way in a happy relationship. It might be best to explore this professionally with someone. Your partner might be tolerant now but resentment can grow over time if this isn't what you both agree on in terms of your dynamic. Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said: I haven't felt this way in a happy relationship. It might be best to explore this professionally with someone. Your partner might be tolerant now but resentment can grow over time if this isn't what you both agree on in terms of your dynamic. Thank you. I’m currently in the process of getting professional help for it. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 19 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said: I feel unwanted or undesirable Just in this relationship or in general? Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Just in this relationship or in general? In general Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Is this part of the reason you continue the relationship with your mentor? Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 8 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Is this part of the reason you continue the relationship with your mentor? I’d say so Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 I agree with the professional help. The is not healthy, I am surprised your partner puts up with this. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 So you can have a feeling and choose not to react. We do that every day especially as adults. If I choose not to have the piece of dark chocolate I want I sometimes feel really deprived. I've come up with ways to combat that other than having chocolate and I plan in advance what those will be. Like, I drink water, or I do something distracting. Whatever. Messaging the man who gives you attention is just a short term bandaid. You as an adult need to come up with alternatives you can do if you feel a certain way that do not involve a bad or sabotaging choice. Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member. I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane. So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc. I may even post about it here at some point as it's safe to do so. Just like when you have that urge to message I did too. But I balanced the upsides and downsides. I am so glad I didn't because it feels clean, it feels right. Even if it also means I had to put in effort not to. Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 3 minutes ago, Batya33 said: So you can have a feeling and choose not to react. We do that every day especially as adults. If I choose not to have the piece of dark chocolate I want I sometimes feel really deprived. I've come up with ways to combat that other than having chocolate and I plan in advance what those will be. Like, I drink water, or I do something distracting. Whatever. Messaging the man who gives you attention is just a short term bandaid. You as an adult need to come up with alternatives you can do if you feel a certain way that do not involve a bad or sabotaging choice. Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member. I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane. So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc. I may even post about it here at some point as it's safe to do so. Just like when you have that urge to message I did too. But I balanced the upsides and downsides. I am so glad I didn't because it feels clean, it feels right. Even if it also means I had to put in effort not to. I agree. I do need to find distractions. I’ve gotten better about it but it still isn’t great. I keep myself super busy so I don’t think about it but they end up messaging me and I end up replying. Should I just block them and not talk to them at all? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 Of course you should block them all. How would you like your partner to do this to you? There are many things that I want to do, but don't, as it is detrimental myself and others. I think that you need to stop using your dad as an excuse for your behavior. You are an adult an need to make the necessary changes out of respect to your partner, and yourself. Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 6 minutes ago, Hollyj said: Of course you should block them all. How would you like your partner to do this to you? There are many things that I want to do, but don't, as it is detrimental myself and others. I think that you need to stop using your dad as an excuse for your behavior. You are an adult an need to make the necessary changes out of respect to your partner, and yourself. They are important people in my life. Either through work or other parts. I don’t know if they have interest in me as none of them have told me. It’s just an assumption I’ve made. I’m definitely not using my dad as an excuse as I’m getting help for this :). Everybody struggles with something. This is just mine and I’m dealing with it, as an adult. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 1 hour ago, Thatengineerchick said: I had a very absent father so maybe that’s why I had an absent father, too. But I don't feel that way at all. Are you impulsive in other ways? Perhaps your current relationship is not meeting your needs. Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 44 minutes ago, Batya33 said: Yesterday I badly wanted to comment on an extremist facebook post by a family member. I wanted to comment or message a different family member and get involved in that way. I knew I needed to stay in my own lane. So -even though I really really wanted to act I did other things -I messaged a friend who is a total outsider to the situation, I told my husband about it, etc. See all of that is why I love not having social media ❤️ Less drama. (I see Wiseman was confused by my reaction I mean less drama in that not seeing the extremist post to begin with, and not having those intense emotions wanting to respond to it, is less drama overall for me as a woman. Batya reacted very well!!! But I feel like I avoid all of those negative emotions when I don't even have to chance to see a crazy relative's extremist post (and then want to process it with my husband or other people so that the emotions go away). A comparative example for the OP would be blocking any inappropriate men (if they are inappropriate). That way she doesn't even see their messages, and therefore the intense feelings of wanting to reply would be avoided altogether! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 10 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said: They are important people in my life. Either through work or other parts. I don’t know if they have interest in me as none of them have told me. It’s just an assumption I’ve made. You can have both male and female friends, coworkers classmates, neighbors, etc. Are they flirting? Why assume males are after you, if they're not? Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 32 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said: but they end up messaging me and I end up replying. Should I just block them and not talk to them at all? If they're inappropriately messaging you and crossing a relationship boundary, yes, not talking to them at all would probably be the wise thing to do. Think about if it was happening the other way... What if your boyfriend said he just craves female attention and replies because he enjoys it and loves chatting up other females. It would cross a relationship boundary at some point for you, where you'd probably feel very upset about it. That's what you're doing to him. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not just going to, "go away," if you keep replying to these other men. You have to avoid responding to them (and choose not to). Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 9 minutes ago, Jibralta said: I had an absent father, too. But I don't feel that way at all. Are you impulsive in other ways? Perhaps your current relationship is not meeting your needs. I’m not impulsive ways. My partner is great and supportive. I only say absent father on here but it’s much more complex than just that. Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You can have both male and female friends, coworkers classmates, neighbors, etc. Are they flirting? Why assume males are after you, if they're not? They are not openly but I feel like that someone has to like me in that way it keep talking to me. Idk. Other mental issues I guess Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 2 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said: If they're inappropriately messaging you and crossing a relationship boundary, yes, not talking to them at all would probably be the wise thing to do. Think about if it was happening the other way... What if your boyfriend said he just craves female attention and replies because he enjoys it and loves chatting up other females. It would cross a relationship boundary at some point for you, where you'd probably feel very upset about it. That's what you're doing to him. It's not fair, it's not right, and it's not just going to, "go away," if you keep replying to these other men. You have to avoid responding to them (and choose not to). Definitely it inappropriate messages (in the traditional sense at least). More of “how are you today?” “How is work? How is school?” He’s the one that encouraged me to get help, which I did. I have improved a lot in recent months but I definitely want to improve more. He’s supportive about it and truly understands the full extent of my history/trauma and why I am this way to beginning with. Link to comment
maritalbliss86 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 A general rule of thumb is that if it feels inappropriate to you (flirting or crossing some line), then it's probably good to honor those feelings and not respond. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 13 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said: My partner is great and supportive. Are you still in love with him? Where is your interest level in him at this point in the relationship? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 21, 2021 Share Posted January 21, 2021 8 minutes ago, Thatengineerchick said: More of “how are you today?” “How is work? How is school?” He’s the one that encouraged me to get help, which I did. Your BF thinks these conversations with men friends, coworkers, classmates requires therapy? Are you sure he's not gaslighting you? Link to comment
ForeverLearning Posted January 21, 2021 Author Share Posted January 21, 2021 @MissCanuck I still love him dearly. No doubts there. @Wiseman2 Not necessarily but he thinks it’s a problem how dependent I am on the attention. Or how much I feel like I need those messages. Link to comment
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