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Feeling like I'm unlovable and blaming myself after breakup?


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Hi,

I already posted here about my situation, but in case you don't know, my first love dumped me and then kissed another girl within a week of that. I've been torn up inside about things, because it's a very... "grey area," rather than black or white. Rather than him doing something absolutely dreadful and me being practically an angel the whole relationship, or vice-versa, I realize that I had a lot of faults and he did too. I mean, for goodness sakes, I was the one who dumped him within about two days of him asking me to be his girlfriend last autumn. But then I got back together with him because I felt pulled to him, probably because he seemed like a good guy overall when I met him and I wasn't used to feeling wanted by anyone before. I was never really 100%, or even 75%, sure of my feelings being genuine for him. But I really wanted to fall in love and have a sweet boyfriend to have nice times with, and he seemed to be the only good guy on these online dating apps.

However, he did some not very nice things as well, such as deceiving me over the last three months of our relationship (he kept telling me he loved me, and he told me empty promises of forever together/many more years together even though he admitted he was just saying what I wanted to hear but also perhaps trying to convince himself), and saying that he thought of breaking up with me when I got a medical diagnosis "Because you hit your lowest point anyway, so why not?", making me feel like I was a burden for having breakdowns/mental health issues rather than comforting me (he comforted me in the beginning, but one day he just ignored me and started watching YouTube instead of even trying at all with me... and he admitted it was really difficult to deal with me when I was sad a lot... it's understandable though...), making me feel unwanted by never missing me or longing/yearning for me but admitting he has felt that way about one girl before our relationship started (not the girl he ended up kissing; the girl in his hometown who he set as his lockscreen immediately after dumping me before joining online dating apps before deciding he'd work on himself for a year before talking to this girl in his class for four hours and then getting a COVID test just so he could kiss her...), etc. He was so incredibly confusing. But, I was too...

The breakup was triggered, however, by me being very awful... I told him that my schedule for that day was open if he did want to have me over, but I understood that he might want to have some alone time and play video games with his friends online or whatever, and I wouldn't hold it against him if he did that. He said "I love you very much" and thanked me for that. I viewed it as a test sort of thing in my head for some reason, and when he said he was going to just spend the night alone, I was angry and insecure, so I lashed out at him. We were in a phone call and he was brought to tears and said, "I don't know how much more of this I can take..." I feel devastated recalling the events. I drove over so that we could sort it out like we usually did, as I tended to get upset with my insecurity more and more over time. This time though, he looked at me just completely broken, with no love left in his eyes. He revealed to me that he felt like he's been falling out of love with me for the past few months, and he initially set a break from each other rather than explicitly a breakup. A few days later, I drove over there and embraced him and told him I could change everything about myself for him, make all the compromises possible so that he could be happy in a relationship with me. I was absolutely desperate. I told him also that I could have kids (that was another factor he listed; he wants children in the future and I'd rather be in a relationship where we travel and have cute cats and stuff) and that I could give him as much space as he wanted, that I could not be so needy anymore and I could hide my sad and angry emotions from him. He looked at me with a very sad half-smile and said that he couldn't. He said that it wouldn't be fair for me to compromise so very much while he's not compromising anything for me. I begged him to reconsider for practically a half-hour, and he said that he had to put his foot down on this one even though it was really hard to say no to me. He expressed how unhappy we've both been and how we deserve more compatible partners, and he told me how our relationship was unhealthy. Since then, he accused me of abuse one night in a phone call and retracted his use of the word and admitted he only said that word because he knew how much I would hate being accused of it, and that he didn't know what "true abuse" is, but he restated that he does think we are unhealthy together. But he did say that if I did abuse him it was "accidental abuse." That's been messing with my head. He said he doesn't think of me as an abuser, though. So that's good I guess? We aren't in contact anymore, and I'm trying my best to stay off of his social media channels, but with how complex and strange our relationship dynamic was, I've been torturing myself thinking about the details and all my questions.

Even though practically everyone I've talked to has said that it sounds like he was the one who was a deceiving jerk, I can't help but continue blaming myself for it all. I am wondering if he was the peak and I blew it with him. Even though even our happiest moments weren't all that great. Even though I felt nothing other than a sort of warmness in my belly when he kissed me and even during intimacy. I feel like I'm unlovable and defective, unworthy of a true and pure love, because of my severe anxiety, chronic depression, and OCD (the intrusive thoughts kind). I feel terrible for also sort of deceiving him, coming back to him after breaking up with him last year just because I thought he was the only one for me. I treated his heart like it was just something easily mended when hurt. And he even told me that he knows that my love for him wasn't a completely pure-hearted, selfless love; he knows that I had the best intentions and that I didn't mean to hurt him with this, but that I mostly just was in love with the concept of love. 

I hate that I'm like this. I feel so dreadful. I wonder if there's any hope for me to learn to love myself and find love one day with a guy who truly gives me the spark and butterflies and true, pure feelings of love? I hate knowing that the girl he's kissing now is going through all these lovey-dovey feelings with him, and that they're probably going to celebrate Valentine's Day together even though last Valentine's Day (which we spent together) he said he hoped that we'd have many more Valentine's Days to spend together, and that he probably sees her as way more stable and better than me... I know that I'm prettier than her (I asked him to see his lockscreen which was a selfie of them together; I honestly think I'm waaay prettier than her, but that's the only way I have the upper hand... she's probably way more talented and a better person than me and not mentally ill)... I hate that, in reference to her, he said he's "found something (he's) been looking for forever," which I'm assuming is a true and healthy love. I feel so worthless since he was my entire world, but he's already moved on to kiss another girl just like that. It feels like he doesn't care at all about me. I even got COVID-19 and he just said to take care. I'm wrestling with so many feelings of hurt, unlovable feelings, and like I'm never ever gonna be worthy of anyone good. But I don't wanna give up hope on love, or myself. Please help me. 😢

I am seeing a counselor currently, but I feel like she isn't helping me much. I'm too scared to find a new counselor though, because the last time I tried, the counselor was super mean and called me a literal brat just because I was sad about moving from my beloved childhood home to a new, less spacious home. 

Please try to be gentle-ish with me, as I'm being vulnerable and putting myself out there with this. 

TL;DR: I made lots of mistakes in my past relationship and was selfish, and I'm scared I won't ever find love especially due to my mental illness. Also struggling with feelings of jealousy even though I know that we were bad for each other.

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24 minutes ago, heartslament said:

We were together on-and-off since November of last year; steady since February of this year. I'm 23 and he's 21.

Thanks for that.

Um .... I don't quite know how to put this delicately and without sounding harsh, as I really don't intent it to be harsh/mean.  But, all I get when I read your post is an overwhelming sense of a very very insecure, young girl,  (feels more like late teens), extremely low self-esteem, very low self-confidence and very desperate to have a boyfriend in her life.  Add to all of that, jealous tendencies as well and you end up with a mixed bag of sad, depressed and desperate individual.   ALL of which, unfortunately, is not going to be attractive to most people. (Sorry).

It's really good to hear you are seeing a counsellor and I would strongly advise you continue with therapy/counselling for as long as it takes to help you reach a healthier mental state overall, because as long as all of these issues are not addressed, you will always carry them with you into every relationship which in turn will all end in the same way.

For now, forget about all this desperate need to "find love", and focus solely on sorting out all of your own issues (even if it takes a year or two). I wish you well.

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3 minutes ago, heartslament said:

I feel... really embarrassed now. Is there a way to delete this thread forever? 😢

Please don't feel embarrassed - there is nothing to be embarrassed about!  I'm sorry my post made you feel that way and I apologise, as I really did not intend for it to make you feel bad.   You can learn a lot from this past relationship, about his behaviour, your own behaviour etc and what went wrong and why.  That's a good thing.  Take it with you.  Discuss it with your therapist/counsellor and move forward.  Nothing to feel bad about.

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Hearts, you needed to get this out of you, for someone to hear you..to vent. And you know what? It was a very healthy thing to do. You can't keep letting all of this sit inside of you, it will eat away at you.

Don't be embarrassed. We all have had issues in our lives that we had to face and learn how to cope with or grow from.

It's being human.

You're recognizing your faults, you're owning up to them, wanting to be better, wanting to grow. That's a HUGE step forward and a really great thing to see!!

 

It takes courage to admit to your own issues and even more courage to talk about it. Don't ever lose that! You are much stronger than you realize.

Your ex boyfriend was correct in some of the things he said, you two together made for an unhealthy combination. I know you don't like to hear that and I know it stings right now, but once you mourn the loss, heal and grow from it, you will be able to see that it was/is the truth.

Some people aren't meant for us...even if we love them, even if we really want them to be. Sometimes we are just not compatible with that person and it won't work no matter how much we want it to.

 

It doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're worthless...please stop saying those things to yourself. If you want to get better and to heal, you will have to be more gentle with yourself, more patient, more kind.

You know you have issues with anxiety and with being insecure. Lots of people do, not just you. Lots do. But if you are again recognizing it and willing to work on it, then you are going in the right direction.

 

You don't necessarily need to rely solely on counsellors, you can also read self help books for both anxiety and self esteem/security issues. 

There are groups online that you could join that will not only give you a sense of community for those dealing with similar issues, but will give you more information that will help you.

Don't give up on you!

 

You are in the process of growing. And that's okay. You won't stay here forever, you will grow and be a better version of yourself. The pain of losing this relationship will lessen over time. You will be able to look back on it one day and be able to see the lessons you've learnt and not the pain.

Give yourself time. I believe in you.

 

Edited by SherrySher
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3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Hearts, you needed to get this out of you, for someone to hear you..to vent. And you know what? It was a very healthy thing to do. You can't keep letting all of this sit inside of you, it will eat away at you.

Don't be embarrassed. We all have had issues in our lives that we had to face and learn how to cope with or grow from.

It's being human.

You're recognizing your faults, you're owning up to them, wanting to be better, wanting to grow. That's a HUGE step forward and a really great thing to see!!

 

It takes courage to admit to your own issues and even more courage to talk about it. Don't ever lose that! You are much stronger than you realize.

Your ex boyfriend was correct in some of the things he said, you two together made for an unhealthy combination. I know you don't like to hear that and I know it stings right now, but once you mourn the loss, heal and grow from it, you will be able to see that it was/is the truth.

Some people aren't meant for us...even if we love them, even if we really want them to be. Sometimes we are just not compatible with that person and it won't work no matter how much we want it to.

 

It doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're worthless...please stop saying those things to yourself. If you want to get better and to heal, you will have to be more gentle with yourself, more patient, more kind.

You know you have issues with anxiety and with being insecure. Lots of people do, not just you. Lots do. But if you are again recognizing it and willing to work on it, then you are going in the right direction.

 

You don't necessarily need to rely solely on counsellors, you can also read self help books for both anxiety and self esteem/security issues. 

There are groups online that you could join that will not only give you a sense of community for those dealing with similar issues, but will give you more information that will help you.

Don't give up on you!

 

You are in the process of growing. And that's okay. You won't stay here forever, you will grow and be a better version of yourself. The pain of losing this relationship will lessen over time. You will be able to look back on it one day and be able to see the lessons you've learnt and not the pain.

Give yourself time. I believe in you.

 

Thank you for such a kind message. Yeah... I guess it's good that I got it out. I am well aware that I've got some growing up to do. I just feel so guilty and terrible for potentially accidentally abusing and manipulating him. I feel like such a garbage person. I... I'm tearing up as I type this because I'm so angry and frustrated at myself for being so desperate for love and a boyfriend. I miss his cuddles... I miss his kisses... I mostly just miss his affection. It made me feel happy and valuable. I'm terrified I won't ever find anyone else to give me that again. And I'm terrified that I will never be able to love myself and mature. 😢 😢 😢 He did some hurtful things to me too though, and I was feeling unsafe and invalid during the last bit of our relationship. He noted I am very perceptive, as I could tell by the slight change in his tone or the way he looked at me that something was... "off." I hate that he fell out of love with me, even though I don't even know if I loved him. 

I puzzle and frustrate myself so much.

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Hearts, you both were not the best to each other. Him telling you that he was going to end things because "you were at your lowest, so why not?" That was extremely cruel. Even to think those kinds of thoughts, it's terrible that he has those kinds of thoughts inside of him.

That says nothing about you, and everything about HIM. He's got a cruel streak in him. You need to recognize that so you can stop placing all the blame on your head.

Does having a partner make a person feel good? Sure, but you know what is even better? Learning how to be single, learning how to be strong on your own two feet without needing someone else to validate you, to prove your worth by being with you, or to make you feel loved only if you have a partner.

Being in a relationship where you are desperately needing that person, is a type of prison.

Why? Because you will ALWAYS need a partner in order to feel any kind of good and when you go down that road, you can set yourself up for massive damage and even danger if you sacrifice everything about yourself in order to keep that person or put yourself in an abusive relationship in order to not be alone.

It is very toxic and you will never break out of the cycle of desperately needing someone.

What is far more healthier and better? Learning how to be on your own. Learning how to love yourself, accept yourself, grow on your own. Be happy on your own. Find your own self worth, your own path, your own value.

I sincerely mean that. Be alone until you grow so much that you are genuinely happy and feel strong within yourself.

NO one will ever be able to take that from you if you are able to achieve that.

And when you finally do get back into a relationship, it won't be toxic or needy or desperation any longer.

It will be based on enjoying one another's company, but not needing. Adding to one another's lives, but not desperation. Sharing love, but not toxic where it's to constantly validate your worth.

It is possible to be in a very healthy relationship. Where it feels good, but you don't feel severely tied to it for your happiness to continue.

But it's also a choice.

It's not easy to be alone when you've become somewhat addicted to the idea of love. Or addicted to feeling like you need someone in order to have worth or be happy.

It can be a very hard cycle to break out of.

But it IS doable. It's choices, recognizing the patterns, breaking the cycle and wanting better.

Doesn't the idea of being in a happy relationship where you feel content, but not desperate and not constantly fearful of them leaving, sound much better?

Doesn't the idea of being strong on your own without needing someone to always validate your worth, sound better?

These are choices you CAN make, but it's up to you to give yourself a better life.

Edited by SherrySher
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4 hours ago, heartslament said:

making me feel like I was a burden for having breakdowns/mental health issues 

 I feel like I'm unlovable and defective, unworthy of a true and pure love, because of my severe anxiety, chronic depression, and OCD 

Sorry this is happening. Although your post is all about him, it's really about you.

Unfortunately it seems like the anxiety, depression, OCD, has never been appropriately evaluated and treated.

You claim counseling has been ineffective and unsatisfactory.

The things you mention are medical issues you need to see a physician for. That's the first place to start.

Support therapy from a licensed qualified therapist on a regular basis is also important.

See a physician. Get a thorough work up. Let the physician refer you to a therapist.

Once you take care of your physical and mental health, you'll feel better.

How is your home life and rapport with parents? Are there other factors contributing to stress?

Edited by Wiseman2
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4 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Hearts, you both were not the best to each other. Him telling you that he was going to end things because "you were at your lowest, so why not?" That was extremely cruel. Even to think those kinds of thoughts, it's terrible that he has those kinds of thoughts inside of him.

That says nothing about you, and everything about HIM. He's got a cruel streak in him. You need to recognize that so you can stop placing all the blame on your head.

Does having a partner make a person feel good? Sure, but you know what is even better? Learning how to be single, learning how to be strong on your own two feet without needing someone else to validate you, to prove your worth by being with you, or to make you feel loved only if you have a partner.

That's a type of prison.

Why? Because you will ALWAYS need a partner in order to feel any kind of good and when you go down that road, you can set yourself up for massive damage and even danger if you sacrifice everything about yourself in order to keep that person or put yourself in an abusive relationship in order to not be alone.

It is very toxic and you will never break out of the cycle of desperately needing someone.

What is far more healthier and better? Learning how to be on your own. Learning how to love yourself, accept yourself, grow on your own. Be happy on your own. Find your own self worth, your own path, your own value.

I sincerely mean that. Be alone until you grow so much that you are genuinely happy and feel strong within yourself.

NO one will ever be able to take that from you if you are able to achieve that.

And when you finally do get back into a relationship, it won't be toxic or needy or desperation any longer.

It will be based on enjoying one another's company, but not needing. Adding to one another's lives, but not desperation. Sharing love, but not toxic where it's to constantly validate your worth.

It is possible to be in a very healthy relationship. Where it feels good, but you don't feel severely tied to it for your happiness to continue.

But it's also a choice.

It's not easy to be alone when you've become somewhat addicted to the idea of love. Or addicted to feeling like you need someone in order to have worth or be happy.

It can be a very hard cycle to break out of.

But it IS doable. It's choices, recognizing the patterns, breaking the cycle and wanting better.

Doesn't the idea of being in a happy relationship where you feel content, but not desperate and not constantly fearful of them leaving, sound much better?

Doesn't the idea of being strong on your own without needing someone to always validate your worth, sound better?

These are choices you CAN make, but it's up to you to give yourself a better life.

Wow... thank you from the bottom of my heart for your incredibly thorough and accurate response. 

You know, these are exactly the words I've been needing to hear. It really is like a prison, to rely on being in a relationship or even a crush on someone for my only joy. It's not fair that I've convinced myself of that. And although it's going to be really difficult to break out of this cycle that I've chained and shackled myself to, it's going to be more than worth it! :') -social distance hug- I'm going to try my best to do all the things I keep putting off, like reading and writing and drawing and baking! Not all at once, of course, heh. I think that doing the things I've been wanting to do, rather than surfing the web and ruminating on my sad thoughts, would help me so much to learn to love myself more. It sounds incredibly fulfilling to make myself feel whole and complete on my own, and to turn my relationship with myself from a toxic and unhealthy one to a secure and healthy and positive one!! 

Thank you, so much, again!!! I wish you the happiest holiday! ❤️❤️❤️ You're the best!

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You are more than welcome.

It can be a tough road. I know, I've been down it. It's like learning anything new, you'll have days where you'll feel lonely, or even have tears again.

Days where you'll fall back into the same fairytale thoughts  of "if only my prince would come and save me". 

But you will also have days where you will have the "aha" moments and look around you and see that you truly are happy and you don't need anyone like you thought you did. And it will feel freeing.

There is a lot of strength inside if you, it was always there...it will always be there. You just need to tap into it, look for it and focus on it. 

Learning to love yourself and to find your own strength, is one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself. It really will help you to break out of all of the toxic patterns and cycles that you've convinced yourself you need.

One day you will find love...you will. But this time around, (if you've worked on yourself)...it will be much better. Happier, less toxic, no desperation, no fear.

Love shouldn't make you feel scared<<<tell yourself that over and over.

You should get to a place where you can love someone, but you don't feel tied to them for everything worthy in your life and that your entire life will come crashing down if they leave.

That's not a good place to be.

Get to a place where you love someone, but you know you'll be okay if it doesn't work out. That it might be sad or disappointing, but not catastrophic.

Many hugs back. You'll get there.

Happy Holidays. ❤️

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10 hours ago, heartslament said:

I am wondering if he was the peak and I blew it with him.

Nope.

10 hours ago, heartslament said:

I wonder if there's any hope for me to learn to love myself and find love one day with a guy who truly gives me the spark and butterflies and true, pure feelings of love?

Yes, there definitely is!

10 hours ago, heartslament said:

I'm wrestling with so many feelings of hurt, unlovable feelings, and like I'm never ever gonna be worthy of anyone good.

It's very common to feel this way after a break up. Don't worry. These are just feelings that are generated by your pain. They don't really mean anything. They certainly aren't predicting the future.

10 hours ago, heartslament said:

But I don't wanna give up hope on love, or myself.

Nor should you. Be patient with yourself. This is a process that is going to take time. The only way out is through. There are no shortcuts, unfortunately. 

You will feel better. But if you continue to kick yourself in the teeth, it's going to take a long, long time. So, stop kicking yourself in the teeth.

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Consider using your mind-spins in your own favor rather than to your detriment: Stop for a moment. Remind yourself that you own the power in THIS moment to decide whether you'll work toward building yourself UP rather than tearing yourself down.

You can place your focus on that choice without trying to figure out anything about it. It's just a new choice, and it's something you can relax with for a while until you become comfortable and inspired by it.

When it's been a habit to talk yourself into a downward spiral, you can question that habit and decide to change it--one step at a time. Start by examining the 'idea' of self-talk. It's how we drive our emotions and behaviors, but it doesn't just happen TO us. We drive it.

You can decide at any moment that you're done using your self-talk to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of--you're willing to begin your climb upward, instead.

These statements about UP versus DOWN are important, because they show us a clear division between choosing to be our own best advocate rather than our own enemy.

While this choice doesn't replace any help we may want to seek from others, it can stop us from self destruction long enough to choose the direction we want--it prompts us to make a deliberate decision about that.

From there, you can begin a practice of considering (and listing or journaling) certain positive--and practical--comments that you'd want to hear from a good friend.

Your friend can be imaginary, or, if you're very brave, it can be explanations that your Adult Self can make to help out your Child Self who continues to drive your emotional reactions today.

So, you can journal any of the helpful comments you've received from our fellow ENA users above. You can also consider some of the following:

  • Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it continues in terms of brain and emotional development through mid 20's in most people: so your level of maturity today is NOT 'all you've got'. You're still developing.
  • Most young relationships are NOT a 'forever' relationship, they are learning devices. You're free to take anything useful from these experiences as a guide for how you'll better conduct yourself in the future.
  • It's not our job to police how others perceive us--especially exes. We each need to embrace our potential 'villain' role, because most relationships (including friendships) do NOT work out. None of us can force another to view us through a lens of innocence, and so we need to accept that incompatibility doesn't require 'blame'.
  • Question what you have lost, exactly. You've stated that even your best of times weren't so great with this guy, so what's the point of putting him on a pedestal in order to trash your Self? You were a mis-match, and MOST people we meet will NOT be good matches for us. If you can learn how to accept those natural odds, you'll stop faulting your Self every time someone else doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens.
  • We each own unique value. This value is ours to accept and respect and cultivate, regardless of how many other people can view it through the right lens. We don't need to be 'special' according to anyone else--we simply ARE special. Unless WE can embrace that about ourselves, we will hold our happiness at the mercy of others. That's working backwards. Honor your Self first, and then whoever comes-or-goes becomes less and less relevant.

Head high, sweet heart.

 

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16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Nope.

Yes, there definitely is!

It's very common to feel this way after a break up. Don't worry. These are just feelings that are generated by your pain. They don't really mean anything. They certainly aren't predicting the future.

Nor should you. Be patient with yourself. This is a process that is going to take time. The only way out is through. There are no shortcuts, unfortunately. 

You will feel better. But if you continue to kick yourself in the teeth, it's going to take a long, long time. So, stop kicking yourself in the teeth.

Thank you so much for your continued support, dear! ❤️ Yeah... I definitely need to be patient with myself, and stop kicking myself in the teeth. I've beat myself up all my life, and look where that's gotten me... it's just put me in an insecure position all the time. If I hug myself and tell myself that it's not all my fault, and I am worthy of love from myself and others, then that would help me tremendously, I think. 

15 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Consider using your mind-spins in your own favor rather than to your detriment: Stop for a moment. Remind yourself that you own the power in THIS moment to decide whether you'll work toward building yourself UP rather than tearing yourself down.

You can place your focus on that choice without trying to figure out anything about it. It's just a new choice, and it's something you can relax with for a while until you become comfortable and inspired by it.

When it's been a habit to talk yourself into a downward spiral, you can question that habit and decide to change it--one step at a time. Start by examining the 'idea' of self-talk. It's how we drive our emotions and behaviors, but it doesn't just happen TO us. We drive it.

You can decide at any moment that you're done using your self-talk to drill yourself into a deeper hole to climb out of--you're willing to begin your climb upward, instead.

These statements about UP versus DOWN are important, because they show us a clear division between choosing to be our own best advocate rather than our own enemy.

While this choice doesn't replace any help we may want to seek from others, it can stop us from self destruction long enough to choose the direction we want--it prompts us to make a deliberate decision about that.

From there, you can begin a practice of considering (and listing or journaling) certain positive--and practical--comments that you'd want to hear from a good friend.

Your friend can be imaginary, or, if you're very brave, it can be explanations that your Adult Self can make to help out your Child Self who continues to drive your emotional reactions today.

So, you can journal any of the helpful comments you've received from our fellow ENA users above. You can also consider some of the following:

  • Adolescence doesn't end at age 18, it continues in terms of brain and emotional development through mid 20's in most people: so your level of maturity today is NOT 'all you've got'. You're still developing.
  • Most young relationships are NOT a 'forever' relationship, they are learning devices. You're free to take anything useful from these experiences as a guide for how you'll better conduct yourself in the future.
  • It's not our job to police how others perceive us--especially exes. We each need to embrace our potential 'villain' role, because most relationships (including friendships) do NOT work out. None of us can force another to view us through a lens of innocence, and so we need to accept that incompatibility doesn't require 'blame'.
  • Question what you have lost, exactly. You've stated that even your best of times weren't so great with this guy, so what's the point of putting him on a pedestal in order to trash your Self? You were a mis-match, and MOST people we meet will NOT be good matches for us. If you can learn how to accept those natural odds, you'll stop faulting your Self every time someone else doesn't own the capacity to view you through the right lens.
  • We each own unique value. This value is ours to accept and respect and cultivate, regardless of how many other people can view it through the right lens. We don't need to be 'special' according to anyone else--we simply ARE special. Unless WE can embrace that about ourselves, we will hold our happiness at the mercy of others. That's working backwards. Honor your Self first, and then whoever comes-or-goes becomes less and less relevant.

Head high, sweet heart.

 

Wow! Thank you so much for your very detailed and precise reply! I really like everything you said, but especially that I can decide at any point that I'm done with my negative self-talk. Even though it's going to be difficult and jarring to change, I am going to try my best to decide from this moment on that I'll stop being hard on myself. And as much as I hate to accept it with my people-pleaser self, it is true that he may see me as a villain and not innocent... and that's okay. I honestly see him as a bit of a villain now, in a way, so why should I expect him to see me as an innocent angel-like person? We're going to be seen as villain-type people in at least one person's lens in our life, and even if that person was the person to get to know us and talk to us more than anyone before (yep... my ex-boyfriend got to know me more than just about anyone, I think...), that doesn't make their view of us any more valid than our own view of us. I know that I am a good person because I do feel guilt for mistreating him, and I try my best to be as gentle, kind, and good to everyone as I possibly can. I think that more than anything, I need to forgive myself for not being a perfect robot-type and for being a flawed (okay... maybe not just flawed, but highly flawed...) human, because it's normal. 

And I really like what you said about "Question what you have lost, exactly." I really have been just putting him on a pedestal still without thinking about how unhappy he made me and how the best of times weren't even all that great. I think I've just been concentrating on the affection and snuggles and kisses he gave me and how special that made me feel (because no one gave me that before), and sure, I did like how cute some aspects of his personality were (he had a really adorable laugh and he loved cats and squirrels and cute animals like I do, and he liked wholesome video games like I do as well) but he also made me feel very unheard, invalid, and extra insecure. He wasn't capable of giving me the kind of love I needed from another. Like, even if I did love myself and have myself in a good place mentally, I know I would still be unsatisfied by the way he treated me. I need a more attentive, comforting, supportive, patient, and gentle person who won't throw in the towel when times get a little stormy. And also who will truly feel like home, who won't feel like an abandoned house with creaky floors that is going to topple over at even the slightest wind (as that's how he made me feel). I do acknowledge though that it isn't all his fault or all my fault. We were just not a good fit for each other. I need to keep reassuring myself that that's okay, and that I am not defective or a worthless garbage person for him falling out of love with me. He fell in love with me at one point, and that proves that I am lovable. People fall in and out of love all the time, and that doesn't prove anything about the peoples' worth. Feelings are complex and ever-changing sometimes. It is rare, but something that does exist, to find someone who will fall in love with you and stay in love with you, who will embrace and love all of you, even the really big flaws and things you wanna change. 

I have gained even more insight thanks to you guys. Thank you again. :')

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You seem to have excellent insight.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could help you tremendously.

It addresses cognative distortions (such as "if he loved me I'm lovable") and focuses on replacing self-defeating behaviors with productive behaviors.

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2 hours ago, heartslament said:

If I hug myself and tell myself that it's not all my fault, and I am worthy of love from myself and others, then that would help me tremendously, I think. 

Or simply become aware of your negative self-talk, without judging. Just becoming aware will help you.

You should listen to this old podcast. It's really good:

https://onbeing.org/programs/eckhart-tolle-the-power-of-now/

 

Edited by Jibralta
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21 hours ago, heartslament said:

I really like everything you said, but especially that I can decide at any point that I'm done with my negative self-talk. Even though it's going to be difficult and jarring to change, I am going to try my best to decide from this moment on that I'll stop being hard on myself. And as much as I hate to accept it with my people-pleaser self, it is true that he may see me as a villain and not innocent... and that's okay. I honestly see him as a bit of a villain now, in a way, so why should I expect him to see me as an innocent angel-like person? We're going to be seen as villain-type people in at least one person's lens in our life, and even if that person was the person to get to know us and talk to us more than anyone before (yep... my ex-boyfriend got to know me more than just about anyone, I think...), that doesn't make their view of us any more valid than our own view of us. I know that I am a good person because I do feel guilt for mistreating him, and I try my best to be as gentle, kind, and good to everyone as I possibly can. I think that more than anything, I need to forgive myself for not being a perfect robot-type and for being a flawed (okay... maybe not just flawed, but highly flawed...) human, because it's normal. 

And I really like what you said about "Question what you have lost, exactly." I really have been just putting him on a pedestal still without thinking about how unhappy he made me and how the best of times weren't even all that great. I think I've just been concentrating on the affection and snuggles and kisses he gave me and how special that made me feel (because no one gave me that before), and sure, I did like how cute some aspects of his personality were (he had a really adorable laugh and he loved cats and squirrels and cute animals like I do, and he liked wholesome video games like I do as well) but he also made me feel very unheard, invalid, and extra insecure. He wasn't capable of giving me the kind of love I needed from another. Like, even if I did love myself and have myself in a good place mentally, I know I would still be unsatisfied by the way he treated me. I need a more attentive, comforting, supportive, patient, and gentle person who won't throw in the towel when times get a little stormy. And also who will truly feel like home, who won't feel like an abandoned house with creaky floors that is going to topple over at even the slightest wind (as that's how he made me feel). I do acknowledge though that it isn't all his fault or all my fault. We were just not a good fit for each other. I need to keep reassuring myself that that's okay, and that I am not defective or a worthless garbage person for him falling out of love with me. He fell in love with me at one point, and that proves that I am lovable. People fall in and out of love all the time, and that doesn't prove anything about the peoples' worth. Feelings are complex and ever-changing sometimes. It is rare, but something that does exist, to find someone who will fall in love with you and stay in love with you, who will embrace and love all of you, even the really big flaws and things you wanna change. 

I have gained even more insight thanks to you guys. Thank you again. :')

Yay!! for YOU! ...and for everyone your experience has helped and will help along the way.

You're gaining so much from this difficult time, and no doubt you will help the next person and the next. Growth makes us generous-- but not just with others. The first person who will benefit from your efforts and your resilience is you.

Head high!

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Update: I'm actually feeling even worse now... I reached out to my mom to try to get comfort again, and she was exasperated (surprise, surprise) and said that I'm selfish and I should think about other people for a change instead of talking about "my problems"... even though she knows how much this has been devastating me. And she along with my dad keep on telling me to "move on already" even though it's only been almost a month. For some people it takes years to get over heartbreak. I hate that my parents are so unsupportive and terrible. I hate that I have next to no friends. I feel so alone and I'm starting to have dark thoughts again. I don't think I'd be able to do anything to actually hurt myself, but I just wish I could stop existing at times like this. My parents have been pretty neglectful of me all my life even though they express how "wonderful" they are to me, and they say "sometimes we think we've been too good to you" but I feel like they have no idea how awfully they have made me feel sometimes. It's no wonder I was so dependent on my boyfriend for happiness... it was probably due to my parents not being very good to me throughout my life.

I really feel like there's no hope. 

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Update-update: My dad came upstairs to talk to me and he was really sweet! :') My mom is just really sick today with COVID so she's extra prickly... but it also is understandable that they want me to stop focusing so much on the breakup because what's done is done and I can't change the past... 

I know that my parents are trying their best. I'm really grateful that my parents are kind overall. Sorry if I worried anyone.

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1 hour ago, heartslament said:

Update-update: My dad came upstairs to talk to me and he was really sweet! :') My mom is just really sick today with COVID 

Perhaps you could ask your parents to take you to a doctor to address the moods and a therapist for ongoing support.

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2 hours ago, heartslament said:

I reached out to my mom to try to get comfort again, and she was exasperated (surprise, surprise) and said that I'm selfish and I should think about other people for a change instead of talking about "my problems".

My mom would say things like this to me, too. It's very frustrating when your parents are unsupportive. But you learn to get past it.

2 hours ago, heartslament said:

My dad came upstairs to talk to me and he was really sweet! :') My mom is just really sick today with COVID so she's extra prickly... but it also is understandable that they want me to stop focusing so much on the breakup because what's done is done and I can't change the past... 

I know that my parents are trying their best. I'm really grateful that my parents are kind overall. Sorry if I worried anyone.

Your mom is probably feeling worried on top of being sick. So, give her a break a little.

Hope she improves, soon!

2 hours ago, heartslament said:

For some people it takes years to get over heartbreak.

Yes, but it's not going to take you that long. 

And if it does, you need to have a serious talk with yourself because that's all you.... Unless you like feeling terrible (some people do)!

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps you could ask your parents to take you to a doctor to address the moods and a therapist for ongoing support.

Yeah, I actually am having a phone call session with my therapist later today. Maybe I need to express to her how severely this is affecting me?

26 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

My mom would say things like this to me, too. It's very frustrating when your parents are unsupportive. But you learn to get past it.

Your mom is probably feeling worried on top of being sick. So, give her a break a little.

Hope she improves, soon!

Yes, but it's not going to take you that long. 

And if it does, you need to have a serious talk with yourself because that's all you.... Unless you like feeling terrible (some people do)!

I'm really sorry your mom would say things like that to you, too. Yeah, I'm trying my best to give her a break now. And thanks! I hope she improves soon, too. What an unfortunate holiday season, with COVID and heartbreak. 😢

Ah, I hope it doesn't take me that long. I'm a bit worried because I'm slipping back into the "false hope" and "romanticizing/idealizing" stage. My anxious mind has convinced me that my ex was the best guy and I blew it with him by being too needy and controlling. And I'm starting to play scenarios in my head of him realizing he truly does love me and miss me, and leaving this new girl he's kissing so he can tell me that he loves me still and wants to make things work out. He just seems so wholesome and cute still to me. Because of the bad stereotypes revolving around guys (heck, some people even say "All men are trash" and it scares me), I feel like there's no way for me to find a guy like my ex again. He liked cute animals and cute things in general and would send me funny cat videos and adorable illustrations he found; he gave such funny and cute voices to my plushies (I am very childlike, heh ._.); he had the most heart-melting and adorable laugh; he did have a big heart when he cared; he respected my boundary of not watching "adult videos" while in a relationship with me, which I know lots of men probably would not do; and I felt like I could trust him... even though, in the end, he broke my trust, but still. I wonder if there is, miraculously, another guy out there with all these qualities and more? I feel like there isn't. I'm terrified there isn't. I'll have to bring this up in my therapy appointment. -sigh-

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Yes there are other guys out there like what you've described. And some even better than this guy. This guy wasn't as great as your mind is making him out to be.

He wasn't nice to you all the time, he was deceitful, he told you very cruel things like "might as well dump you at your lowest point?"<<< what the heck is that all about? That's not nice to think, never mind tell someone!!

Then he runs to another girl in such a short period of time. 

I really do wonder how loyal this guy is and how much he actually does lie.

You're creating a fantasy of who he was, but in truth, he had very bad parts to him as well and he could be very hurtful and was very hurtful.

It's possible to meet someone every bit as "cute" as this guy and someone as well who won't lie to you, who will be good to you and won't be so mean with you. 

There are a billion people in this world, this guy is only a lesser version of what you need. You haven't met the better version yet.

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