Lost in life

[ironi]

HI everyone,

 

Its a little long so bare with me. Sorry I need to get this off my chest

 

So I moved to another country (Dubai) when I was 23 and worked for a financial brokerage. It was a very competitive male dominant environment. One of my biggest reasons I moved abroad from the UK was because I just broke up with my long term boyfriend and he completely messed me up. Mentally I was just so broken I had to start over again. Of course this wasn't easy, when I started working in the new country and job I faced working with a nasty girl who was very jealous and constantly made my life hell at work. Made me feel very alone and tried making me feel very unwelcomed all the time. I got through it she left. I thrived at work I became very successful and respected amongst the brokerage industry. After 3 years of being single I met another boyfriend he was very insecure and emotional abusive. He tarnished any new friendships I had and would constantly just try and push me to marry him and I knew he wanted me to basically become a little housewife who only had grocery shopping to look forward to every 2 weeks. Other than that he'd want me all to himself while he would probably be cheating on me. After 2 years I saw he wasn't healthy or good for me we couldn't go out without him getting angry if a guy looked at me! I broke up with him and he said really nasty things which haunted me for a very long time.

 

I also had a troublesome relationship with my mother and family so at times I really felt alone and not guided. I was head hunted after a year of my breakup (I was very depressed lost contact with all my friends) so I was offered a lot of money to go to another company.

 

I took the money and moved to this great new company. I thrived! I met another boyfriend who was on my team and was loving life. Unfortunately my boyfriend had problems with down below and we never actually 'did it' as he couldn't perform. The relationship was amazing and he's still my best friend but he kept promising me to go to the doctors but he never did. Now career wise everything was great until the company went south. Management kept promising me roles and promotions then giving it to other inexperienced new people. The director of the company fancied me and because I didn't give into his advances he made my life hell at work. I was still respected and everyone loved me but he stopped me from ever moving up. At this point I should have left looking back. But I stayed and I suffered from really bad anxiety. I would cry constantly, have panic attacks, I doubted myself constantly and felt just not worthy. Before I turned 30 I planned to move to Thailand to check myself into a wellness retreat for 6 months and deal with my mental state.

 

Thailand didn't work out (I went on holiday to check out the wellness clinic and I had lots of bad things and signs that I felt it wasn't meant to be)

 

So at 30 I quit my job and said I was going to start my own business. Take a few months out to get my mental state and confidence up then invest my money into my own business.

Rather than focusing on myself I kind of threw myself into dedicating my time into others, helping my family move house, helping my grandad move. I have basically just lost my focus and way.

 

After corona and getting stuck in the UK with my mother I've had a lot of time to reflect on what I want to do. I started a HR CIPD course (I already have a degree in economics) to boost my confidence up with knowledge then I'll go back to work and save then re look at smaller businesses.

Being back home in the UK is very challenging as all my friends are married (I am single single) I have joined dating websites all my dates have ghosted me on the day - which I consider blessings but I just don't have a social life here. I understand its corona but even if there wasn't I'd probably see my friends once a month if that. I know my mother wants me to live with her but my grandmother and two little cousins also live here. I know I'm going to find it very hard to adjust. Even though I'm 31 my mother still treats me like a child which I feel hinders my confidence and what I want to do.

 

I am very lost I'll be honest I don't have any confidence in myself at all but I know I have the potential. I am having therapy and life coaching sessions but I can't shake this feeling. My previous job really really affected my mental state and it was like an abusive relationship I should of broken up with.

 

So now my plan is to go back to Dubai in January and find a job, get a nice place. Dress up go to beautiful brunches, enjoy my life and hopefully I'll meet someone.

 

As I'm 31 there isn't pressure but more comments on how I need to settle down and meet someone. This is starting to upset me a lot as I can't just click my fingers and meet someone. In the UK all my friends are mothers now and all live very far away from my mothers home. When I go out with my friends its cafes, lounge bars its never in a setting to go and meet someone.

 

Ok so my mother has been telling me how I've wasted 8 years of my life not married, no career and to move back home. My mother is very emotionless and strong, also very very lucky with money and her career. So she doesn't understand me (well she didn't actually have a relationship with me until about a 2 years ago) She is convincing me to move back to the UK and I could move into my property which is up for rent. That is closer to my friends as well. But the thought of living in gloomy London, travelling backwards and forwards to work everyday. Hoping I'll meet new friends but I see my life just work, home, work, home and visiting my friends and family. Whereas in Dubai its sunny, people are naturally very happy, I'm part of lots of networking groups so I constantly go out with lots of new people. There is a lot of competition out there with the men to women ration (15 women to 1 man) but you just never know.

 

There I'm dressing up feeling good, glamorous when I go out. Here I'm very casual and always dressed down (this is a big part of who I am, if Im not feeling good I feel low)

 

My mother is retired and was helping out a friend with their business part time. They want my mother to become partner and will need a manager to run the business. My mother has said I should be the manager - how in 5 years I can be general manager and then take over the company. How she will train me up and its a fantastic opportunity. Which it is a great opportunity, Its a great role and will pay well.

 

I asked where will I live, she has said at home with her. Now my mothers house is small, live in the middle of no where, live with my grandmother, 2 young cousins. A new office will be based near the house too which will only have me in it.

I spoke to her asking why I couldn't move into my property, she said because it gives her rental income, that if I wanted to move out I could rent another place just not my flat. This part doesn't make any sense to me, when I ask questions my mother just tends to shout and turn the conversation into a fight. I know she wants me to stay at home to help her care for my grandmother and my two young cousins. But again I just see my life work and home. My grandmother is a very toxic personality and tends to make me feel very low my mother also is very inactive and isn't a fun person to be around. So my household is very boring.

 

I feel like at 31 I should be thinking about money now as I have run out of savings. I have an opportunity to go into a senior role, and potentially take over a great business one day. but in miserable UK where Im living at home, my friends live far away. I also tend to help others more as a deflection to dealing with myself as I feel like I'm not worthy. So I know I'll end up being a recluse But its a great opportunity and I won't feel like I'm thick or stupid as I'll be getting freshly trained on new things. Also I can incorporate my HR course that im doing too. But I don't see where I would meet someone especially in my social circle.

 

Or do I go back to Dubai to work in a low paid junior HR role or high paid admin job but I will be in the sunshine, I don't want to work in a male dominant industry again as it really broke me. I'll be out at all the beautiful sights and restaurants, people are actively meeting people. Potentially in places where I could meet a boyfriend. Am I just being stupid?

 

Please be kind in your responses I have literally written my raw feelings and thoughts here.

 

Thanks

[ironi]

Also in between my boyfriends I have taken 2 years gaps as I was so busy with work and I'm just not the sort of person that hooks up with guys or talks to a lot of men as I do find it energy draining. I wasn't in the right frame of mind so technically I've only had 2 boyfriends in 8 years which my family and friends have thought is a waste.

[DancingFool]

You are very focused on what others think, say, and do....but what do YOU want for yourself? If you put all those voices on mute, who are you and what do you want?

 

Second thing is that you seem very drawn to toxic relationships and even though you recognize that you are in one, you don't seem to walk away from that fast enough. I'd urge you to actually get some counseling to get to the bottom of that and fix your picker before you even attempt to date. Running away doesn't work as you just take your problems with you.

[ironi]

Hi thanks for replying. I am getting counselling right now. Also I have a life coach. But its that question of 'what do I want' I just don't know.

[DancingFool]

Hi thanks for replying. I am getting counselling right now. Also I have a life coach. But its that question of 'what do I want' I just don't know.

 

That's the thing. The only way to find your way to happiness, contentment, and confidence is to answer this question....and it's not an easy task. When you figure it out, other people's lives, choices, preferences, comments hold no value or relevance to you. On the other hand, looking and comparing and trying to live as others dictate is a fast road to misery because there is no way to ever feel satisfied with that.

[East4]

well, I do not know and of course your feelings are valid, but from where I sit I see a rather successful young woman: you did some bold moves career-wise, proven yourself in a competitive environment and earned the respect of colleagues at all workstations you had worked. To hell if you got the promotion, or not, this is not always the best measurement of success. What matters is that you've earned the respect of colleagues. And you proved to be resilient when faced with hardship.

 

I also noticed that you were capable of ending toxic relationship. You are also secure enough in yourself to not sleep around, for validation or because of loneliness.

So, to sum it up, I see the growing pains of a young and strong woman who is dealing with challenges.

 

I do not have any advice, except for you to think more often of your achievements and victories. If you do not know what you wanna do right now-that's all right, give it time, the answer will appear naturally, once you get to feel content with yourself.

 

Do not compare yourself to others, to your female friends with families, kids, etc. You are following your individual path, everybody has an individual path, nobody is like the others.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds like you were beginning to spread your wings when you were stopped or the previous company caved. You haven't finished growing and your mother's plans for you are not enough.

 

What about looking at things a little differently. If you don't have a job lined up in Dubai, why not up-skill and improve on yourself in the UK and start rebuilding your portfolio and experience closer to the nest so to speak and then bridge over when you've gained more momentum? Just because your mother is offering to help out it doesn't mean you can't accept the help and still blaze your own path.

 

I don't see what you have going for you in Dubai except expensive clothes, social circles and not enough men. Sometimes you have to know when to cut your losses and rebuild, given your existing talents and resources. Use them.

[raeinatx]

hi, I know you think maybe things may be better for you somewhere else, but in reality I read an article recently saying that most people statistically burn out at 32 in their careers. Sure enough I see it happen all the time.

 

I think you should stay close to your family and love will find you. Promise ;)

 

It was nice to read your post. thank you

[ndawg012]

I would look for the best parts in each option and try to retain the best parts.

 

In Option 1 you are in the UK and starting what could be a widely successful opportunity. This opportunity to become manager and potentially partner is not something you would find in Dubai. So that could check off your financial goals and pad your savings.

 

In Option 2 moving to Dubai, you would be in a male do miniated society, career-wise. You may feel like you're not good enough to become partner, where it was never in the cards for you, even if you were the best employee in Dubai. The best part is the weather and the people.

 

I would try to get the best parts from both options for a satisfying life. I would do option 1 for career because that could be an opportunity to actually climb the ladder to run your own business. For sun, I would plan out long vacations. You may have an opportunity to take a time off, maybe even a month off and travel the world.

 

If you don't wish to live with your mother and grandmother, then I would look forward to moving to your own flat. The job in the UK could provide you with the means to rent your own place. you would feel pride in being able to afford your own place. I don't recommend moving into the unit that your mom has for rent. she'll feel entitled come and go because she actually owns the place. The rent that she could get by renting it may be high. And you could find a place on your own for a lower rent. So it may make financial sense to rent your own place and let your mom rent out her unit to somebody else willing to pay her high rent. I'm saying if your mom is looking at family money, then it's a net gain in this scenario.

 

I get your concern that you don't want to live a life where you just work and go home to watch tv. I would try to actively change that in the UK. In Corona times, people are not going out as much anyway. You could start by moving in with your mom and grandmother but then work to get out if that will make you happy. There is no shame in living with the mom. You could meet someone off the dating apps and meet up at his place to hang out. The point is there are a lot of possibilities in the UK and you'll have your family within reach in case of emergencies and for support. Make your life the way you want it. I like that you have travel experience to know how other people live. This means you can bring that back and incorporate the good parts into your life so find joy and fulfillment.

[raeinatx]

I would look for the best parts in each option and try to retain the best parts.

 

I like that you have travel experience to know how other people live. This means you can bring that back and incorporate the good parts into your life so find joy and fulfillment.

 

yes, love that bring your travel experiences home , they are YOUR memories and experiences you traveled you lived you laughed you loved it is all part of you and no one will ever take that away from you. You have it inside your heart and just bring it with you where ever you go. Of course we all need refreshers once in a while but maybe

 

 

...just don't give up on being happy. maybe find other people that once lived in Dubai and now live in UK and set up fancy brunches with them! good luck yay! Im excited for you.