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i’m not sure what to do, i’m hurt


CBC2000

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i’m going to try to make this as short as possible lol because it’s such a long story and please do not judge me, i already recognize my errors. Anyways so i met this guy about 5 years ago, at this time i was in a relationship. The day we met he actually walked up to me and introduced himself, from that day i fell for him, but i sustained those feelings because i was with someone else. Because we hung around the same circles, he managed to get my contact info from a mutual friend. he called me some days after and we spoke for a while, i felt guilty because i was enjoying conversation with someone that i knew had no intentions of being my friend and i myself knew that i couldn’t be friends with him. as months went by , i tried to avoid him, i even blocked him. he wasn’t doing anything wrong as a man who wanted to be with me, i was just trying to fight my feelings for him. I was in a rocky relationship, but i wanted it to work so bad because i sacrificed a lot for it. although i would block this guy, i somehow unblock him and look for him especially when things were messed up with the guy i was currently dating ( i know, i was so wrong).

 

the relationship with my now ex ended and that break up took a toll on me. i was extremely depressed and this guy was there for me every step of the way, but i was so caught up in healing myself that i didn’t see him and his actions. he eventually ended up just stepping away from me because he was probably not seeing any progress from me and he was right. we lost touch for about 6 months, but after this 6 months things did not go back to normal. when i started realizing that i really do have feelings for this guy, it was too late, he was in a relationship so i left him alone, for the next few years that relationship he in ended, but regardless of this he was not the man i knew anymore, he had changed in a bad way, he ended telling me that he went through some hard times and that’s probably why he had changed. He’s changes were affecting me in a negative way because i had strong feelings for him, but he was more caught up in hooking up with women. i stopped speaking to him for about a year or so and he i ran into him again a few months ago. Ever since then, we’ve been around each other a lot, but the situation is more rocky than. i clearly want to be him, but he told me that he is not in the mental space to be with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me and he is just not emotionally ready for a relationship. i told him i respected how he felt, but i didn’t want to friendship from him because i felt like i wouldn’t get over him if i continue being around him. he was so hurt my this statement, he kept telling me that he clearly loves me, but he’s not ready for me. after all this we ended up sleeping together and spending the day together just me and him and it just made things a little more complicated.

 

my question to you guys is how do i maneuver through this situation? i don’t believe that we can ever be friends and i want to get past this, but another issue is that my best friend and his best friend date so at this point it’s difficult to avoid him. how do i stop feeling this way?

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This is a Ross and Rachel situation.

 

I've been here too. You hardest thing in this situation is working out WHY... most people look at this and try to work out WHAT their feelings are... is it love, is it lust, is it friendship. Whatever it is is only a small part of the deal. You have to sit down and work out WHY you feel this way. Is it the challenge? Is it the fact you guys have never really had the chance to work it out?

 

Have a good long think about who he is and what captivates you about him. Would you still be interested if he didn't have the looks for example... money, charm, danger, shoulder to cry on. it could just be that he has always been there for you and you feel like you owe him or he is a fallback!

 

Only when you know exactly what it is about him that captivates you can you really answer the question of what you do next.

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This is a Ross and Rachel situation.

 

I've been here too. You hardest thing in this situation is working out WHY... most people look at this and try to work out WHAT their feelings are... is it love, is it lust, is it friendship. Whatever it is is only a small part of the deal. You have to sit down and work out WHY you feel this way. Is it the challenge? Is it the fact you guys have never really had the chance to work it out?

 

Have a good long think about who he is and what captivates you about him. Would you still be interested if he didn't have the looks for example... money, charm, danger, shoulder to cry on. it could just be that he has always been there for you and you feel like you owe him or he is a fallback!

 

Only when you know exactly what it is about him that captivates you can you really answer the question of what you do next.

 

wow that rachel and ross reference makes so much sense, thank you. it’s gonna be task trying to figure out we both can’t just leave each other alone, but i’m willing to figure this out.

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It's not right of him to say he loves you but he's not ready for a relationship. Please be careful with people who aren't too careful with their words. It's manipulative. If he knows how you feel he shouldn't be sleeping with you and egging you on while claiming that he's not ready for a relationship. This person is either severely deluded or extremely selfish. Maybe both. He also tried pursuing you while you were in a relationship and appeared to pester you while you were recovering from a break up. This doesn't speak very well of someone who has any idea or respect of what a relationship means.

 

Do you mind me asking what you see in this person? Is he physically attractive or is he attractive because you've known him for awhile (someone familiar)?

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Sorry to hear this. It's complicated. Try to distance yourself from him. Some therapy to repair, sort out and talk through the remaining breakup issues would help. You would not feel so vulnerable and run to this confusing guy. His comfort is short term and comes with too many issues.

 

You are rebounding so may feel all over the place. Try to simplify your life a bit. Reconnect with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, classmates etc. Reach out to people who are not connected to him or your recent ex. Refresh your social media. Plan ahead for weekends or evenings when you are lonely, so you don't leave yourself open to unsatisfying that are just a quick fix.

 

the relationship with my now ex ended and that break up took a toll on me. i was extremely depressed and this guy was there for me every step of the way

he kept telling me that he clearly loves me, but he’s not ready for me. after all this we ended up sleeping together and spending the day together just me and him and it just made things a little more complicated.

 

my question to you guys is how do i maneuver through this situation? i don’t believe that we can ever be friends and i want to get past this, but another issue is that my best friend and his best friend date so at this point it’s difficult to avoid him.

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It's not right of him to say he loves you but he's not ready for a relationship. Please be careful with people who aren't too careful with their words. It's manipulative. If he knows how you feel he shouldn't be sleeping with you and egging you on while claiming that he's not ready for a relationship. This person is either severely deluded or extremely selfish. Maybe both. He also tried pursuing you while you were in a relationship and appeared to pester you while you were recovering from a break up. This doesn't speak very well of someone who has any idea or respect of what a relationship means.

 

Do you mind me asking what you see in this person? Is he physically attractive or is he attractive because you've known him for awhile (someone familiar)?

 

he is physically attractive, he is a familiar face, and he’s been there for me when i really couldn’t be there for myself over and over again even at times when a man who was pursuing me shouldn’t have been there. We can have conversations about any and everything, i have an ugly past and he’s never judged me for it or made me feel bad about it unlike any other guys i’ve dated.

 

he is not perfect and he definitely also has issues, but i don’t think he’s just here for the sake lingering around.

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Sorry to hear this. It's complicated. Try to distance yourself from him. Some therapy to repair, sort out and talk through the remaining breakup issues would help. You would not feel so vulnerable and run to this confusing guy. His comfort is short term and comes with too many issues.

 

You are rebounding so may feel all over the place. Try to simplify your life a bit. Reconnect with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, classmates etc. Reach out to people who are not connected to him or your recent ex. Refresh your social media. Plan ahead for weekends or evenings when you are lonely, so you don't leave yourself open to unsatisfying that are just a quick fix.

 

I agree with this.

 

Great ideas here.

 

I don't feel this person has your best interests at heart and he sounds confused and confusing/doesn't add to your life in positive ways.

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Sorry to hear this. It's complicated. Try to distance yourself from him. Some therapy to repair, sort out and talk through the remaining breakup issues would help. You would not feel so vulnerable and run to this confusing guy. His comfort is short term and comes with too many issues.

 

You are rebounding so may feel all over the place. Try to simplify your life a bit. Reconnect with friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, classmates etc. Reach out to people who are not connected to him or your recent ex. Refresh your social media. Plan ahead for weekends or evenings when you are lonely, so you don't leave yourself open to unsatisfying that are just a quick fix.

 

wow wiseman this is what i needed to hear. i definitely want to just move on because this loop of confusion is no fun for me.

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Look the reality is if he loved you, WHY would he reject you? Love is a strong feeling and makes you feel crazy about that person. So if he's willingly letting you go as easily as that then he probably doesn't truly love you. He probably likes your friendship and finds you attractive but it's different to real love.

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