My ex asked me to block her because she wasn’t strong enough to block me

[noonespecial]

Long story short. I got drunk and a girl kissed me out in town and I kissed her back. I left town and told my ex as soon as I got home. It hurt me that I did this because I didn’t think I was capable of doing it. We’ve been talking a bit since then and has recently asked me to block her because she didn’t have the strength to block me and she was tempted to mail me a couple of times. We’ve been broken up for about a month or 2 but we still kept contact every now and then. What should I do? I love her so much and I know what I did was . But I really want some advice because i want her back in my life.

[Danmarko]

Perhaps you should listen to what she's asked you to do and respect her wishes. Give her some space and time to move on.

[smackie9]

You should have blocked her anyways....you both need to move on...it's over so there is no point in staying connected.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you wanted to break up so you did this and then told her so she would leave.

Long story short. I got drunk and a girl kissed me out in town and I kissed her back. I left town and told my ex as soon as I got home.

[noonespecial]

I didn’t want to break up with her. I never wanted that

[Wiseman2]

Then why mess around and then rub it in her face? What is she supposed to do?

I didn’t want to break up with her. I never wanted that

[noonespecial]

The girl kissed me .. I didn’t rub it in her face I told her straightaway because she deserved to know. I wasn’t going to not tell her because that’s selfish. A lot of people don’t tell their partners and jut keep it a secret to stay together. I respect her and I know what I did hurt her and broke her trust but i want her back in my life because I’m in deep regrer

[SophiaG]

The girl kissed me .. I didn’t rub it in her face I told her straightaway because she deserved to know. I wasn’t going to not tell her because that’s selfish. A lot of people don’t tell their partners and jut keep it a secret to stay together. I respect her and I know what I did hurt her and broke her trust but i want her back in my life because I’m in deep regrer

 

Good for you to respect her and tell her the truth. You said you "kissed her back" and you've been out getting drunk with other girls, so in some sense you allowed something like this to happen. Unfortunately some mistakes cannot be undone. Use this opportunity to learn and avoid similar mistakes in your future relationship.

[bluecastle]

The girl kissed me .. I didn’t rub it in her face I told her straightaway because she deserved to know. I wasn’t going to not tell her because that’s selfish. A lot of people don’t tell their partners and jut keep it a secret to stay together. I respect her and I know what I did hurt her and broke her trust but i want her back in my life because I’m in deep regrer

 

Can I ask how old you two are?

 

What you're saying above would make a modicum of sense if you were still together, since in that context a girl kissing you—which is to say you kissing a girl—would be a very significant breach of trust. But anything that occurs even two hours after a relationship ends, let alone a month or two, is simply you living your life as a human being who is no longer in a partnership. Regret a drunken hookup? Cool, feel your way through those feelings. But offloading them onto an ex? That's pouring salt in a wound and calling it integrity and respect.

 

Maybe block her for a bit—because she's asked you to, and listening is the ultimate display of respect, far more than the pouring of salt—and in that space and that quiet take a moment to ask yourself what you want and what kinds of choices will get you closer to that, rather than further.

[Wiseman2]

However the question is did she "deserve" your antics with other girls? Unfortunately you want points for being honest to overshadow the bad behavior. "I was drunk, she kissed me, hey at least i told you etc etc". Sounds more like a boatload of excuses and ways to hurt her.

 

If for some reason you got this convoluted thinking from one of those "get your ex back' sites that advise making the ex jealous. Well now you've seen how that backfires. Now on top of whatever broke you up she thinks you are ... fill in a the blank here.

she deserved to know. I wasn’t going to not tell her because that’s selfish. I respect her and I know what I did hurt her and broke her trust

[noonespecial]

I never go out with girls I went with a few of my boys. But I understand and thank you for your advice . It means a lot

[DancingFool]

She deserved to know??? What the.... on what planet are you living on? What you did was brutally cruel, uncalled for, nasty, mean, immature af TMI. Also, what you are doing with who after you break up is absolutely not something you discuss with an ex...since it seems that you need that spelled out for you. You are free to do whatever with whoever. An ex is not a part of your life anymore, like it or not.

 

Are you teenagers by any chance? If so, please understand some basics - what you do after a break up is off limits to your ex. You shouldn't be discussing it. Also, trying to stay friends with an ex is really against your interests as it stops both of you from healing, moving on and forming healthy relationships with other people going forward. Even if you desperately want to get back with your ex, you do need to take some time and space to heal, live your life, etc. Getting back together only works if both people have taken some genuine healing time away from each other, reflected on things that went wrong and are able to discuss them and fix them. Emphasis on both people being on the same exact page. If either person isn't...it's not going to work. This necessarily means no contact for awhile...while you both live your lives, heal, reflect, etc. Keeping in touch post break up is stopping the process.

[noonespecial]

We’re both in our 20s. I know we’re pretty young and it’s not the end of the world. I really believe she is the one I meant to be with. Thank you for taking the time to reply and for giving me advice. It means a lot

[SophiaG]

So I seem to be interpreting your situation as you drunk kissed some girl and told your gf (now your ex) and she broke up with you. Totally understandable. But if you did this after you broke up and told her... completely different story...

[bluecastle]

So who ended it? Her? You? After how long? And why? Regardless, if you believe she is the one you're meant to be with, telling her about a random hookup is not going to be a bridge to anything but more dysfunction, more broken pieces for each of you to need time to heal from.

 

You didn't do anything "wrong," in terms of a drunken kiss. You can go have orgies, or commit to life as a celibate monk. Your choices, as a single human being, which is what you are right now. What is "wrong" is making all that about her, and putting it on her. It's good to be mindful of the nukes we detonate in the emotions of people we're in relationships with. Those we are no longer in relationships with, for whatever reason? Setting off bombs in their emotional chambers is simply unkind, and unproductive.

 

No, it's not the end of the world. Life is learning. Learn the lesson, so it can be the beginning of a new way to be in the world.

[noonespecial]

You’re she didn’t deserve it and I’m an a hole. I didn’t want to hurt her but I did in the end. Thanks for your advice. I just want to work my way through it and hopefully back on regaining her trust.

[Jibralta]

If I were in your shoes, I'd honor her request. but first I would write a letter/email/text saying basically everything you've said here, and make sure she got it. After that, radio silence.

[noonespecial]

I’ve done this earlier writing a text and then giving her the space. But we’ve been in contact post breakup and even seen eachother in person. I think right now I’ll just respect what she wants and go NC. Thank you

[noonespecial]

She ended it. After how long? We were together for 2 and half years. She couldnt be with someone that hurt her, but we kept seeing eachother during lockdown (NZ) and before we went to level 3 she asked for time to think about it and she said we couldn’t see eachother anymore. We’ve still been seeing eachother but I think it’s really confusing for Both of us because we just hurt more.

Thank you for your advice, it’s giving me more of a perspective on things happening. So I appreciate it

[Cannelle]

OP

I'm sorry you're hurting.

Can you answer this question:

You kissed another girl while you were in a relationship with your girlfriend and that's the reason why she broke up with you?

Or

You kissed a girl after you and your ex had broken up?

 

Either way, right now, you broke her trust. Even if you would go back together, the relationship would be filled with pain, shame and resentment. Even when 2 people love each other it's impossible to just forgive and Forget in a just few months. She can't see you the same way anymore. You now represent someone who betrayed and shamed her. You cannot change that fact even with all your remorse and good intention...

You have To let time heal.

[bluecastle]

Relationships end, generally, in two stages.

 

First stage: the hard part of actually ending it, saying the words, and making the end "official" in much the way you mark the beginning as official by expressing commitment.

 

Second state: the really hard part of living the end, moving forward into the void and away from the person. It's a process that takes some time. There's often nebulous contact, little cycles of holding on, letting go, circling back around, and more or less remaining in the relationship, logistically and/or emotionally, just without the label.

 

All this? It's both of you still in that second stage. The words have been said, but the actions, all in all, contradict them. It happens. Odds are you'll look back at all this without so much intensity, seeing it as some clumsy steps toward letting go. Doesn't mean that negates all possibility of another go at things, but to even see if that's possible? Well, you've got to really let go, take the space you need, and give her space as well.

 

I know it's hard, as voids are very hard things to sit inside, but you're both capable. Most crucially, you both need to heal, and you can't do that together, since it's a bit like trying to heal a cut with a knife. Just leads to more hurt.