Should I wait on him?

[sm88]

He is in quarantine right now with his brother, can’t hangout with other people where he lives.. don’t think that’s the case and he swore on everything it isn’t. To me it seemed more like manipulation to string me along

[sm88]

Yes I’ve been depressed since the passing of my mom. I go to therapy! He was one of the people around during that time and think I hav trauma bonded to him.

[sm88]

Also kept telling me loves me. Was kind of pathetic acting and like a ploy for sympathy

[sm88]

Thank you for this response! It feels like a lot of it is hard for me to see as I’m pretty inexperienced. So your ex really never figured it out? I also think I deserve more than this.

I went through a period of being toxic/unhealthy in the relationship due to the passing of my mom, and I actually did the work to become a better person again. He has not after promising he was in a better place when we got back together. It feels unfair, but also like I owe him that for dealing with me when I was a mess?

[sm88]

I didn’t realize they were things that couldn’t go away. I guess ive been comparing it to depression/anxiety for me which can improve when on right meds/therapy. He doesn’t even seem to think he’s bipolar despite a therapist hinting (strongly) that he is. It may be best for me in the long run.

[sm88]

He kept saying how at the time he really would have taken the illness himself to save me from all of that- but that he realized now how unhealthy that thinking was and that he has to put himself first and all This. It was a mess of a conversation and left me feeling manipulated and confused

[Wiseman2]

Leave him alone. You are not a doctor or therapist. He has parents, family, friends and can go to doctors, therapists, online support groups, etc. Now is the time to focus on your own emotional well being and stop dissecting him to avoid your own issues. Stop calling him bipolar narcissist etc. Focus on You.

 

Continue support from your doctors, therapists and friends, family as well as some online support groups. Talking to slobbering drunks after they break up with you (again) then playing psychiatrist is toxic for both of you. You have the power to move things in a positive direction for yourself. Talk to your therapist about all these patterns.

He asked me not to contact him during the next few months but he would let me know if anything changes.

[sm88]

I think when I’m able to identify his behavior as being narcissistic or having those issues it helps give me some closure and make it make sense. I do agree I need to focus on myself. I guess I’m just wanting to understand what all happened since it was a longer relationship.

Yes last night didn’t even realize he was drunk until the very end of the call when he started acting weird. It for sure made things worse for me emotionally but also showed me him in a different light and may have been what I needed to really move forward.

I do think I have a few things that need healing with my own self to avoid any future issues in my own life as well as current state of mind.

[MissCanuck]

Thank you for this response! It feels like a lot of it is hard for me to see as I’m pretty inexperienced. So your ex really never figured it out? I also think I deserve more than this.

I went through a period of being toxic/unhealthy in the relationship due to the passing of my mom, and I actually did the work to become a better person again. He has not after promising he was in a better place when we got back together. It feels unfair, but also like I owe him that for dealing with me when I was a mess?

 

I'm not sure if you're directing this to me, but since I posted about my ex, I'll reply to it! (If you hit "Reply With Quote", your response will attached to the poster you're replying to)

 

No, I don't think my ex figured it out. It wasn't depression in his case, either. I am sure he struggled with it to varying degrees, but he also suffers from a (diagnosed) personality disorder. As the others have pointed out, that isn't something that goes away. Medication doesn't really even begin to address it. In my ex's case, he refused all treatment anyway. It would have meant ongoing, intensive and long-term therapy. Some of these disorders can be managed with the proper sort of treatment but it's a lifelong struggle for most.

 

However, I have to say, the more you write, the more I wonder if he's met someone else and is testing that out. He might have depressive issues as well, but much of the behaviour you're describing it also typical of someone who's getting to know another person but hoping their ex will stick around in case it doesn't work out. And no, you don't owe him any loyalty after he's broken up with you. Don't lean on that to justify sticking around for someone who has ended your relationship for the second time now. That's the sort of thinking that leads us to stay in unhealthy relationships rather than doing the hard work of letting go of someone who has already checked out and is not good for our own well-being.

 

You need to look after you now. Whether or not he gets himself straightened out isn't something you can change, fix, or place your own future on.

[sm88]

I'm not sure if you're directing this to me, but since I posted about my ex, I'll reply to it! (If you hit "Reply With Quote", your response will attached to the poster you're replying to)

 

No, I don't think my ex figured it out. It wasn't depression in his case, either. I am sure he struggled with it to varying degrees, but he also suffers from a (diagnosed) personality disorder. As the others have pointed out, that isn't something that goes away. Medication doesn't really even begin to address it. In my ex's case, he refused all treatment anyway. It would have meant ongoing, intensive and long-term therapy. Some of these disorders can be managed with the proper sort of treatment but it's a lifelong struggle for most.

 

However, I have to say, the more you write, the more I wonder if he's met someone else and is testing that out. He might have depressive issues as well, but much of the behaviour you're describing it also typical of someone who's getting to know another person but hoping their ex will stick around in case it doesn't work out. And no, you don't owe him any loyalty after he's broken up with you. Don't lean on that to justify sticking around for someone who has ended your relationship for the second time now. That's the sort of thinking that leads us to stay in unhealthy relationships rather than doing the hard work of letting go of someone who has already checked out and is not good for our own well-being.

 

You need to look after you now. Whether or not he gets himself straightened out isn't something you can change, fix, or place your own future on.

 

 

I would usually say the same about a guy but the time table doesn’t make sense considering we have all be in lock down basically as well as his behavior towards me. He definitely has issues but the cheating or other women thing has never been a major concern, he’s the type to just come out with it (if that makes sense). Oddly enough I’m not really worried about that, I’m more so upset that this is all happening again. I asked him that question many times as I was trying to make sense of the behavior and I actually do believe it isn’t the case after that discussion..

 

I think I’m more so trying to accept that him having these mental issues and behavioral patterns is something I can’t live with and learning to let go. Shifting the focus back onto myself.. I don’t think I can wait around & after talking I do think he knows it’s unfair to ask me to (even if he was being manipulative).

He really just kept going back and forth and offered me no real closure. Wouldn’t reply to my texts about it either. Kept saying he isn’t thinking of anyone but himself right now, and I don’t think I want selfish love like that in my life any longer.

[sm88]

I think originally I was worried about the boundaries if I was to wait, and now I’m realizing I can’t wait. If that makes sense?

[MissCanuck]

I think originally I was worried about the boundaries if I was to wait, and now I’m realizing I can’t wait. If that makes sense?

 

Which boundaries do you mean?

[sm88]

Which boundaries do you mean?

When we were discussing giving it time to see if he would feel any better we were both discussing boundaries regarding when we would talk again, not seeing other people, and so on. The issue and reason why I have a problem with this is due to him not really knowing when he will feel like he is feeling normal and back to himself again- and I can’t wait forever. He couldn’t promise me any certainty in the time table and for me that crosses the boundary I was trying to set.

The last time we spoke he was seeing that not having a clean break was unfair and that I clearly am struggling to give him space. Also seemed to address it in a manipulative way though- going back and forth and kind of playing victim. He still won’t really give me any real closure or understanding which I feel is somewhat intentional, so I have to give myself the closure and chose to let him figure himself out and let it be.

[sm88]

I have not really told him this, don’t know if I should or just stop engaging in the chaos. He knows I want stability and that he can’t give it to me right now.

[Wiseman2]

He asked you not to contact him. It's that simple to step out. Talk to your therapist about this. Talk about your attraction to drama and chaos.

or just stop engaging in the chaos.

[sm88]

He asked you not to contact him. It's that simple to step out. Talk to your therapist about this. Talk about your attraction to drama and chaos.

 

I guess I’m just finding it hard after how invested he seemed and how blind sided I feel. But I am going To have to go no contact to heal and work on why I keep allowing this to happen and allowing bad behavior

[Andrina]

He had been drinking (apparently has been more lately)

 

This isn't a person who has been enlightened and intent on self-improvement. The above proves this.

 

But I am going To have to go no contact to heal and work on why I keep allowing this to happen and allowing bad behavior This is a good plan. Good luck in making that happen.

[sm88]

He had been drinking (apparently has been more lately)

 

This isn't a person who has been enlightened and intent on self-improvement. The above proves this.

 

But I am going To have to go no contact to heal and work on why I keep allowing this to happen and allowing bad behavior This is a good plan. Good luck in making that happen.

 

I agree. Tried to say he started playing an instrument again, old hobbies he used to enjoy and is really trying. Don’t think he is really realizing that finding new hobbies isn’t all that needs to be done, lol and drinking with his housemates to the point of being drunk and stuck at the house seems pretty childish to me.

 

And thank you :)