Andrina Posted January 1, 2020 Share Posted January 1, 2020 You have a lot of life lessons under your belt now, so I hope these experiences will help you in your future dating experiences. You say that nobody is perfect and that you like to give them chances. You need to recognize the difference between minor flaws and dealbreakers. Make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to it when dating. If anybody lacks must haves or possesses dealbreakers, break it off immediately. Otherwise, you'll be 90 by the time you meet "the one." You also need to work on your self esteem or you will keep attracting losers. Read some books and articles on how to do that. For him, you were filling a void of responsibility he is lacking. For you, he was filling a void of attention and affection, which everyone likes, but the bad outweighed the good. Your goal should be to avoid filling voids. When two people who are fulfilled in every way personally, happy solo, strong and independent, then they will want to share joy with a companion, which will ensure better success rather than someone who is "needy" or "spineless and lacks self worth." Good luck. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . Yeah, you are right. And another lesson learned. 3 lessons and hopefully it was all steps to prepare me and help me grow for the right guy. I will be making a dealbreaker list for myself and stick to it. And I just broke up with him today. So it is done. Thank you for your hard truths haha. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . Thank you, and I did indeed break up with him today. And it actually went really well for me. He knew something was up, I told him we needed to talk in person, he wanted to know immediately, and after trying to convince him it should be done in person, he made him tell him right away, so it was done over text. He didn't try to fight to keep me. All he did was get mad that I didn't communicate and "lied" when I said things were fine when he asked throughout the relationship. I admit I was bad at communicating, but I don't feel I lied, as I honestly thought it was fine. I was working on myself to get over my issues with things. But I guess it was lying. Lesson learned, I need to learn to open up more with my SO. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . It was actually very smooth on my end. He insisted I tell him and break up with him right away, while he was at work and over text. I think it was easier for him that way. I had tried a few times to get him to wait until I could talk in person, but he wouldn't have it. He didn't fight to keep me, just was mad because I didn't communicate and whatnot. And that was that. Said goodbye. I'm more curious if and how quickly will I hear back from him. I had talked to him, as he pointed at many of these very flaws himself and discussed them, and at the beginning it wasn't a big deal to me, rose glasses and all. And I did love him at first, but as more things cropped up, or he kept annoying me, or saying things/certain flaws popping up, I fell out real quick but didn't realize it right away. :( Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . Thank you for your reply. And I agree. I do think your SO should be your other half, your puzzle piece as I like to say, but not your whole world, or your everything/very air you breathe. It isn't healthy and was a reason why I wanted to pull away from him. It was uncomfortable to me for him to say those things. And I ended it today. Sadly it was over text, as he refused to wait to do it in person. He just wanted it over with and while he was at work, probably was easier for him to handle. Also he didn't try to fight to keep him, which surprised me considering how he was, but that makes me think he might try reaching out at some point, but I know to just ignore him/block him. It is best for everyone if I go no contact. Thank you again. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 .. I did, I broke up with him today. And I want to clarify, that I do not smoke anything. Weed, cigs, drugs. I don't do any of it, never have and never will. Nor do I play games all the time. Sure I play often as I have people I play with, and if I have free time I'll play, but it isn't all consuming. For him though, that was very true. Video games, work, sleep, weed, that is about all it was for him. The occasional eating out (someplace cheap) and a movie as dates. I was more afraid of not finding someone who matched certain values/end life goals like he had. Of course he wasn't the right one either as he had no motivation to actually move towards them. Just all talk like my past ex's. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . I think it felt like love to me, because it was the affection and attention I had always wanted from a SO, but never had before. Of course now I know there is a unhealthy version of those, and if the guy is super clingy, run. And I agree, he had this version of me that was "perfect" and always had me on a pedestal. The past few days he tried all kinds of sweet talking to keep me, as he was sensing I was about to break up. Very true, thank you for sharing and your advice. Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 2, 2020 Author Share Posted January 2, 2020 . Yes, I agree and I am definitely making a deal break list asap. I am going to hold off on any dating for awhile. Work on getting some things taken care of in my own life. Agree to that also. I have come far with my self esteem, but clearly have more to go to be better with it. Broke up with him today. Thank you for your advice! Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 The quote wasn't visible. But anyway. You did the right thing. You were very incompatible. Find a more kindred spirit who matches your lifestyle goals and values. Not just some tastes in things. I do not smoke anything. Weed, cigs, drugs. I don't do any of it, never have and never will. Nor do I play games all the time. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 Yeah, you are right. And another lesson learned. 3 lessons and hopefully it was all steps to prepare me and help me grow for the right guy. I will be making a dealbreaker list for myself and stick to it. And I just broke up with him today. So it is done. Thank you for your hard truths haha. Thank God! You made the right decision. Owl, I have been in your place, so I can relate. Once you look at you, and address why you continue to chose the wrong people, things will turn around. You are off to a great start! I strongly suggest that you do not date for at least 6 months, to understand your choices and low self esteem. Do you have a full life with friends and activities? If not, you should make some changes. A healthy social life and friendship bonds promote self esteem. Explore new interests. I made many new friends through volunteering. It is fun and rewarding. I hope that you have gone complete no contact? You should also block this guy, as he does not sound like he will go away easily. Good luck. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 2, 2020 Share Posted January 2, 2020 It was actually very smooth on my end. He insisted I tell him and break up with him right away, while he was at work and over text. I think it was easier for him that way. I had tried a few times to get him to wait until I could talk in person, but he wouldn't have it. He didn't fight to keep me, just was mad because I didn't communicate and whatnot. And that was that. Said goodbye. I'm more curious if and how quickly will I hear back from him. I had talked to him, as he pointed at many of these very flaws himself and discussed them, and at the beginning it wasn't a big deal to me, rose glasses and all. And I did love him at first, but as more things cropped up, or he kept annoying me, or saying things/certain flaws popping up, I fell out real quick but didn't realize it right away. :( BLOCK HIM! Thus guy sounds weird and problematic! Link to comment
Owlgirl Posted January 3, 2020 Author Share Posted January 3, 2020 . Yeah, I am in the process of finding a better, more consistent job atm, so I figured dealing with that and just enjoying my own space and time is much needed. Work on figuring exactly what is a deal breaker for me, what is a must have, and figure out on loving myself more in my own skin. I really have come a long way from where I was, but still got a ways to go! Well, not so much friends anymore. Most have moved away or drifted apart. I do have a huuuuuge family/relatives so they keep me really busy. And hopefully finding a new job will open up my social circle more. I'm a shy oddball so making friends is hard sometimes. May try as you say volunteering or new hobbies. And yes, no contact and have blocked. Though considering how it ended, not sure if he'll bother, as I really was blinded by the nice treatment with out any follow ups and believed the manipulation. Ugh, lesson learned for sure. Thank you! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted January 3, 2020 Share Posted January 3, 2020 Yeah, I am in the process of finding a better, more consistent job atm, so I figured dealing with that and just enjoying my own space and time is much needed. Work on figuring exactly what is a deal breaker for me, what is a must have, and figure out on loving myself more in my own skin. I really have come a long way from where I was, but still got a ways to go! Well, not so much friends anymore. Most have moved away or drifted apart. I do have a huuuuuge family/relatives so they keep me really busy. And hopefully finding a new job will open up my social circle more. I'm a shy oddball so making friends is hard sometimes. May try as you say volunteering or new hobbies. And yes, no contact and have blocked. Though considering how it ended, not sure if he'll bother, as I really was blinded by the nice treatment with out any follow ups and believed the manipulation. Ugh, lesson learned for sure. Thank you! Good for you. I can guarantee that he would try to reach out, as he is too needy and had NO life outside of you. Look for a man that has his act together: Not living with the parents Has a stable job and savings Not doing drugs or addicted to any substance or activity Has a life outside of you Is secure and not needy No significant debt Treats you with respect Lives local These are the basics. This is what normal looks like. I am certain you can add to the list. It would be helpful if you hit Reply With Quote, then people know exactly what you are responding to. Good luck! Link to comment
abitbroken Posted January 4, 2020 Share Posted January 4, 2020 I did, I broke up with him today. And I want to clarify, that I do not smoke anything. Weed, cigs, drugs. I don't do any of it, never have and never will. Nor do I play games all the time. Sure I play often as I have people I play with, and if I have free time I'll play, but it isn't all consuming. For him though, that was very true. Video games, work, sleep, weed, that is about all it was for him. The occasional eating out (someplace cheap) and a movie as dates. I was more afraid of not finding someone who matched certain values/end life goals like he had. Of course he wasn't the right one either as he had no motivation to actually move towards them. Just all talk like my past ex's. What goals did he have? A goal is something you work towards. I can say i want to open my own law firm. Sounds ambitious...since i have no law degree....and never want to... It sounded like he had zero goals other than smothering you and having no financial solvency Link to comment
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