I want my ex back even though he doesn't want to talk to me

[kirbycake342]

What horrible things did he say? You mention a lot of problems you had. I really don't think most healthy, serious relationships have the kinds of problems you had here. Whatever you call it, this relationship is not worth saving. It's not what you thought it was and are still trying to make it out to be. It's normal if you have a rough time in life (and who doesn't!) to try to hold onto something that looks and smells like the kind of happiness you hope for even when it is all kinds of wrong for you. We've all gone down some rough roads led by our confused heart.

 

Your job now is to not let it break you. And you totally can do it, even though it will be hard. Block him and don't look back. Find something else to focus on in your life for a while, to take up the time you used to spend pining about him or trying to communicate with him. If you don't have anything going on you may need to join somethng. Join a book club, take up painting, do cross-fit, whatever it is for you. Trying to get over someone by just getting over them never works. You have to come at it from a different angle, try and make your life without them better, little by little. Eventually, you will stop looking back because you will be too busy to do so.

 

After enough time has passed and you don't feel like you are always missing him, you can take another stab at love. Online is a fine way to start, but limit your search to people who are nearby.

 

You don't have a lot of relationship experience, so it makes sense that you wouldn't know this, but you lose a lot when it is primarily online. You met in person for a week, a week is short enough to be able to just act like everything is all nice and you get along well with someone. It's impossible to know if you will still like being with someone or feel like a couple over a longer period of in person time. If you spent another couple weeks past that initial week, you have no way of knowing if you would have still liked him by the end of it! The online stuff just defers these kinds of learnings about a relationship. Everything done online is through a filter, you are only communicating when either party wants to communicate. When you are in person a lot, things get thrown at you that can damage or strengthen the relationship, and its so important to be able to be around for that.

 

For example, I slept over at my girlfriends house after a party and at 2am threw up in her bathroom making... uh... quite the mess. When she helped me deal with that and then took care of me while I was sick the next few days it strengthened us.

 

The right guy will let you lose your virginity when you are comfortable with it and wont pester you for nudes. He won't pressure you or make you cry. He'll be looking for a serious in-person relationship just like you are. Wait for that kind of relationship. Don't fall for less than that.

 

Thank you. Your words are really kind and meaningful. They are things I need to hear and be aware of even if I'm still blinded by my love for him right now. I know it will get easier by time, that I need a lot of time to heal. I'm just not there yet. It's only been two weeks since I stopped asking him. I was with him less than a month ago and it was hard for me to go back home too. I guess that has a lot to do with me not wanting to be at home right now at all or being annoyed when I'm home. When I was with him I was actually comfortable and happy and it has been a while since I felt like that, just because the three months of trying were really exhausting and sad for me.

[saluk]

Thank you. Your words are really kind and meaningful. They are things I need to hear and be aware of even if I'm still blinded by my love for him right now. I know it will get easier by time, that I need a lot of time to heal. I'm just not there yet. It's only been two weeks since I stopped asking him. I was with him less than a month ago and it was hard for me to go back home too. I guess that has a lot to do with me not wanting to be at home right now at all or being annoyed when I'm home. When I was with him I was actually comfortable and happy and it has been a while since I felt like that, just because the three months of trying were really exhausting and sad for me.

 

2 weeks is really early for sure! You are doing well. It's hard to walk through and shut the doors when it's still so fresh. There will be more doors you have to keep shutting that you didn't even realize were there. And each time you shut one you will feel terrible. But while it hurts to be cut off there is a feeling of relief as well that can mix with the pain. Like you say, so much of the last while has been exhausting. Letting go can be exhausting too, but in it's own way. It's something you kind of have to practice at for a while. Do you have any friends or family who can help you, do fun things with you to take your mind off of things?

[Batya33]

He was with me on call or texted me way too much to be able to have someone else. He did not have someone else, I'm 1000% sure. And yes, everyone agrees with real life being so much better than online.

 

With all due respect that is incredibly naive of you. It doesn't matter if he texted you 24/7 he could have been in person with many women.

[kirbycake342]

Do you have any friends or family who can help you, do fun things with you to take your mind off of things?

 

Yeah, but once I'm home or alone I just close myself up, think about it again and get back to zero, which sucks. I don't feel motivated enough to hang out with anyone.

 

With all due respect that is incredibly naive of you. It doesn't matter if he texted you 24/7 he could have been in person with many women.

 

He was not with other women. We were literally on call 24/7. Fell asleep on call, woke up and he was still there too. That is like the least thing I would believe that happened. And that is a lot for me to say, because I'm an insecure person.

[Batya33]

Yeah, but once I'm home or alone I just close myself up, think about it again and get back to zero, which sucks. I don't feel motivated enough to hang out with anyone.

 

 

 

He was not with other women. We were literally on call 24/7. Fell asleep on call, woke up and he was still there too. That is like the least thing I would believe that happened. And that is a lot for me to say, because I'm an insecure person.

 

Again it doesn't matter if it was 24/7. My husband texts all the time right in front of me. I know he is not texting another woman for romantic reasons but I never check, never check his phone, computer, devices, mail whatever -no need or desire to check. This was almost all long distance -he could have been texting many other women and having women over to his place while texting with you. Easy peasy.

 

You don't need to "feel motivated" -fake it till you make it. Do you think I was motivated to go to the gym at 7:20am after being up at 6 to get my son ready for school, after having to sleep in my son's room all night while my husband was coughing and feverish in the other room? No - if I asked myself the answer would be no on a morning like this. But I do it anyway -every day no excuses and I never ask myself "do I feel motivated to exercise today?" Because I know I must for my health and sanity. You can choose not to close yourself up whether or not you're motivated.

 

If you have goals then you take steps towards that goal whether or not you happen to be motivated on a particular day to take a step. Because the end result is worth it. Being long distance with someone you spent very little time with is easy. It's passive. Of course you weren't insecure -because deep down you knew you'd never have to make the choice to commit to him, to trust him fully - because it's easy to cut someone off who you mostly type to, who you don't know well in person, who you get to fantasize about and idealize about romantically. Certainly I've gotten to know platonic friends well through typing - but when it comes to a committed romantic relationship you have to get to know each other in person -not just because of the sexual aspects but for very practical down to earth reasons that you didn't have to put any work or effort into. That's why you didn't focus on whether he might be seeing other women, texting other women, pursuing other women -because you knew deep down 99% of this was fantasy.

[Wiseman2]

A therapist would really help shake you loose from all these myths and fixed rigid beliefs. It would also help with self esteem and self respect. No decent guy asks for nudies before even meeting nor is verbally abusive. Hopefully you can ask your parents and you live in an area where women are not routinely abused and it's ok. You seem very blind to all the problems.

Yeah, but.......

He was not ......