Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement

[Badmamajama]

Is talking about each other's pasts a diversion from addressing the present and future? It seems you are both less involved in your current relationship or where it is or where it's going than all this water under the bridge. What's the point? Neither of you are with or going back to former lovers and you can't change the past.

 

Why is it so stalled out in the past? It seems the problem isn't her past or yours but everything that is unsaid and unaddressed in the present. There's a lot wrong here. You are intimidated buy her family, you live together in a nebulous haze, she is thinking wedding bells and you are thinking live together. Get the elephant out of the room, and that elephant is not the past it's the present.

 

Thanks for the response but in fairness you have it wrong here. We don’t go on about water under the bridge - my ex hasn’t come up for around 9 months and as I said, my worries about her are brand new and I expect, totally irrational.

 

We are currently looking at getting a mortgage together, just got back from an amazing holiday and are both open about how excited we are for the future. You seem to think she’s desperate to drag me down the isle and I want to plod along in some sort of limbo, it’s not like that at all and we’ve even happily discussed where we could go on a honeymoon. I’m not intimidated by her family and get on great with them, I am just aware that they may expect a fancy, pricy wedding when that isnt something either of us want.

 

The issue I’m concerned with is the thoughts I’ve been having, which I don’t let affect our daily life and have only creeped in very recently. Whilst I appreciate your input all your messages have brought up other things and you’re making assumptions that our entire relationship is a miserable, messy, broken train wreck, which it absolutely isn’t.

 

From her perspective, she openly says she’s the happiest she’s ever been, as do her family. I’m also the happiest I’ve ever been, just concerned with these thoughts and I posted here so I could vent and close the book on them.

[bluecastle]

Have you considered a few therapy sessions to address this? There may be a some roots connected to these weed-like thoughts that you're not quite seeing. Get to them, so they can be pulled out, rather than just sheared off. Miss the root and the weeds grow back, you know?

 

My theory is that a great year with someone is pretty easy. Flies by, propelled by fireworks and novelty. Then, as things become more "real," there are shifts: questions, doubts, and so on. It's natural, even healthy. But they need to be taken seriously, treated with care, through communication—with each other, in some cases, with ourselves, in others.

 

Similar to Wiseman, I can't help but see a connection between these thoughts surfacing and you guys moving in, taking those next steps. Not saying you're in a nebulous haze, or treading water playing house—I don't get that impression. But maybe you're just hiccuping slightly, without quite understanding why. At the end of the day these are sabotaging thoughts—surfacing and being indulged at a moment when your relationship is transitioning from something new to something more permanent.

[Badmamajama]

Have you considered a few therapy sessions to address this? There may be a some roots connected to these weed-like thoughts that you're not quite seeing. Get to them, so they can be pulled out, rather than just sheared off. Miss the root and the weeds grow back, you know?

 

My theory is that a great year with someone is pretty easy. Flies by, propelled by fireworks and novelty. Then, as things become more "real," there are shifts: questions, doubts, and so on. It's natural, even healthy. But they need to be taken seriously, treated with care, through communication—with each other, in some cases, with ourselves, in others.

 

Similar to Wiseman I can't help but see a connection between these thoughts surfacing and you guys moving in, taking those next steps. Not saying you're in a nebulous haze, or treading water playing house—I don't get that impression. But maybe you're just hiccuping slightly, without quite understanding why. At the end of the day these are sabotaging thoughts—surfacing and being indulged at a moment when your relationship is transitioning from something new to something more permanent.

 

I have considered therapy and not to turn it into a sob story, but on reflection I have my suspicions as to why it came about. Both yourself and Wiseman’s theories have some truth but I think there’s more to it. (Apologies Wiseman is I seemed antsy above, was early morning and I was cranky)

 

This all lines up with the first major health scare of my life, which had me absolutely terrified and sick with anxiety a couple of months ago and isn’t fully resolved yet. When it was at its worst I think I needed something to get obsessed about to take my mind off my fear of the grim reaper and this was it. Stressing about a relationship that deep down I knew was no threat felt better than stressing about an early grave.

 

I remember one day out of morbid curiosity scrolling down through her Facebook feed to 2010 - 2012 and from then on its all stuck in my head. There wasn’t much there to be honest, but enough to hit home the reality that back then she was engaged to someone else, living with him and that people were excited about it. Just FYI - I didn’t hack into her account or anything, just looked at the feed she shares with friends.

 

Before then I’d literally never given him much more than a second thought and thanks to social media it’s haunted me since!

 

Agree on the hiccuping slightly. We’re srill getting on really well but my head is the hiccup.

[bluecastle]

Didn't writing that last post feel good? Don't you feel a little lighter, a little more honest, a little more like you?

 

That's essentially therapy, and you sound like a great candidate: self-aware, reflective. You're also a human being, which means you're self-protective and prone to protecting yourself in ways that ultimately don't serve your truest self. You see that, too. And this is where humility is your best friend and ego your worst enemy—where admitting that being able to see it is not quite enough, that you could use some help in thwacking through the weeds.

 

Is that therapy? Is that more posts here? Is that...who knows?

 

What I'd say is that the instant you scrolled down was the instant you made a choice to get a little further, emotionally, from your girlfriend than a choice that could get you closer. That's not fatal, but it deserves to be recognized. You'll do versions of this a million more times in life, with her, and so on. Key is to see that stuff, and have a mechanism in place to get the train back on track. I think, right now, you're looking for that switch. Keep looking until you find it.

[Badmamajama]

Didn't writing that last post feel good? Don't you feel a little lighter, a little more honest, a little more like you?

 

That's essentially therapy, and you sound like a great candidate: self-aware, reflective. You're also a human being, which means you're self-protective and prone to protecting yourself in ways that ultimately don't serve your truest self. You see that, too. And this is where humility is your best friend and ego your worst enemy—where admitting that being able to see it is not quite enough, that you could use some help in thwacking through the weeds.

 

Is that therapy? Is that more posts here? Is that...who knows?

 

What I'd say is that the instant you scrolled down was the instant you made a choice to get a little further, emotionally, from your girlfriend than a choice that could get you closer. That's not fatal, but it deserves to be recognized. You'll do versions of this a million more times in life, with her, and so on. Key is to see that stuff, and have a mechanism in place to get the train back on track. I think, right now, you're looking for that switch. Keep looking until you find it.

 

Yeah it felt not bad!

 

I knew at the time scrolling down was a bad idea. No idea why I did it as I just hadn’t cared before. But I did and I have to find a way to stop it haunting me. Even at the time I was rational enough to know that FB posts from 2011 mean nothing to our relationship, but I still did it.

 

Worth pointing out that these thoughts only get to me when we’re apart. When we’re together, the thought of making her feel bad about this or even have to explain herself just seems ridiculous.

[bluecastle]

Worth pointing out that these thoughts only get to me when we’re apart. When we’re together, the thought of making her feel bad about this or even have to explain herself just seems ridiculous.

 

I hear you. Not sure if this resonates—it didn't with me, until later in life—but I generally think a great gauge of a relationship is how you feel about things, and in your skin, when you are apart, not together.

 

Think of friendships. You don't need "face time" to trust it, to be comforted by it. There's a certain richness in that, no? I think the same richness can be found in romance, and is maybe even essential for sustainable romance. I've felt very good in the presence of plenty of women, but jagged in the negative space. Those I've made a solid go with? They're the ones where the way I feel when together and apart is not really all that different.

 

Not saying you're in an unhealthy relationship—doesn't sound like it. Just suggesting a slightly different gauge of things, including yourself. What you're doing right now is wonderful, because you're working to bridge the gap so "together" and "apart" aren't at odds, but of a whole.

[abitbroken]

We are currently looking at getting a mortgage together, just got back from an amazing holiday and are both open about how excited we are for the future.

 

Please do not get a mortgage together until a) after you are married. b) when you are engaged with a solid wedding date, officiant and location booked, and you are wanting to close on the house shortly before your wedding so you may have your wedding night in your new home.

 

A mortgage is not a 'step" in commitment. it mostly goes south. If you breakup. Or if you are so consumed with fixing or furnishing the house that the wedding is secondary or you get comfy and start to drag your feet and decide you like "living together". I have a friend who bought a house with a guy that she was seeing for a few years and was proposed to in the first year. Guess what. 13 years later they are still not married. They postponed picking a date because of a terminally sick parent in another state, then another relative was getting married the same month and it was a immediate family member and they could not feasibly have a wedding in their state and days before attend their siblings wedding in another state plus the expense of travel, then one person's job changed and they ended up barely squeaking by in a house they couldn't afford. They contemplated splitting one or twice seriously -- but the one that has the lower income doesn't know where they will go/feels they have too much invested and doesn't want to leave the pets and the one making more money can't quite afford the place by themselves either - they could do 2/3 if the other left and don't want the other person to be with anyone else.

 

Be newlyweds in a tiny apartment while you save up and look for a house as a married couple with priorities of a married couple.

use this time to get to know eachother even more than you do -- have some fun - travel - don't tie yourself down to a house.

 

if ONE of you decided to buy something as your own investment, that's fine, with your name only on it - to fix up and sell once you marry or something, fine. but don't "have a mortgage together"

[abitbroken]

I think with the mortgage you want to try to secure her position as staying around without committing to her

[Badmamajama]

Please do not get a mortgage together until a) after you are married. b) when you are engaged with a solid wedding date, officiant and location booked, and you are wanting to close on the house shortly before your wedding so you may have your wedding night in your new home.

 

A mortgage is not a 'step" in commitment. it mostly goes south. If you breakup. Or if you are so consumed with fixing or furnishing the house that the wedding is secondary or you get comfy and start to drag your feet and decide you like "living together". I have a friend who bought a house with a guy that she was seeing for a few years and was proposed to in the first year. Guess what. 13 years later they are still not married. They postponed picking a date because of a terminally sick parent in another state, then another relative was getting married the same month and it was a immediate family member and they could not feasibly have a wedding in their state and days before attend their siblings wedding in another state plus the expense of travel, then one person's job changed and they ended up barely squeaking by in a house they couldn't afford. They contemplated splitting one or twice seriously -- but the one that has the lower income doesn't know where they will go/feels they have too much invested and doesn't want to leave the pets and the one making more money can't quite afford the place by themselves either - they could do 2/3 if the other left and don't want the other person to be with anyone else.

 

Be newlyweds in a tiny apartment while you save up and look for a house as a married couple with priorities of a married couple.

use this time to get to know eachother even more than you do -- have some fun - travel - don't tie yourself down to a house.

 

if ONE of you decided to buy something as your own investment, that's fine, with your name only on it - to fix up and sell once you marry or something, fine. but don't "have a mortgage together"

 

I’m sorry but your friend’s example is in no way reflective of anyone else’s situation or a sign that getting a house first is destined to “go south.” It’s perhaps a cultural difference as I expect we are on opposite sides of the Atlantic, but here it’s perfectly standard for couples to buy a home then get married later. Religion is almost non-existent here and marriage rates are at an all-time low, people tend to not be in a hurry to do it. Marriage is also no guarantee of commitment and I know of more than one couple who have lasted less than a year beyond the big day.

 

That said, you seem to assume I have no plans to marry her. Quite the contrary and we even talked about it last night. We hope to buy a place, get settled and all being well I will propose later next year. Having a home that’s truly ours and that we can set up our life in is curently the most important next step to both of us, so we’ll do that first.

 

Rather than assume I have no intentions of commitment and suggest I am stringing her along or using her for a mortgage, please check the facts before throwing in your two cents.

[Badmamajama]

I hear you. Not sure if this resonates—it didn't with me, until later in life—but I generally think a great gauge of a relationship is how you feel about things, and in your skin, when you are apart, not together.

 

Think of friendships. You don't need "face time" to trust it, to be comforted by it. There's a certain richness in that, no? I think the same richness can be found in romance, and is maybe even essential for sustainable romance. I've felt very good in the presence of plenty of women, but jagged in the negative space. Those I've made a solid go with? They're the ones where the way I feel when together and apart is not really all that different.

 

Not saying you're in an unhealthy relationship—doesn't sound like it. Just suggesting a slightly different gauge of things, including yourself. What you're doing right now is wonderful, because you're working to bridge the gap so "together" and "apart" aren't at odds, but of a whole.

 

That’s an interesting take. With my 10-year ex I often fantasised about leaving her when she wasn’t around. With the previous short-term girlfriend I barely gave her a second thought when she wasn’t around, she just felt like a placeholder and never a serious prospect. It’s different with my current gf.

 

I do feel very secure in things, I trust her implicitly and she couldn’t do any more to make me feel that way. I miss her when she’s not there and still get excited to see her. What she can’t do is change the fact that she had a messy engagement that ended seven years ago. Another thing she can’t do is change the fact I looked on social media posts from 2010 / 2011 and made this previous chapter in her life an issue in my head, when pretty much everyone here and elsewhere has said it isn’t one.

 

My attitude has even mellowed to this in the last couple of days and I think it’s down to venting on here. Hopefully it continues and this hiccup can be forgotten.

[Wiseman2]

Take our time with this. You have a lot of doubts. Stop talking mortgage. See how living together works out first.

That’s an interesting take. With my 10-year ex I often fantasised about leaving her when she wasn’t around. With the previous short-term girlfriend I barely gave her a second thought when she wasn’t around, she just felt like a placeholder and never a serious prospect. It’s different with my current gf.

[Badmamajama]

Take our time with this. You have a lot of doubts. Stop talking mortgage. See how living together works out first.

 

Obviously I’m not rushing into anything but I don’t have any doubts, that’s not how I’m meaning to come across.

 

I’ll make sure to see how the next few months pan out living together.

[PerkyGreek]

 

What if she never really, really got over it and I’m just a consolation prize of sorts? Our relationship has been wonderful and very deep, but maybe it can’t compete with the intensity of her and her fiancés back in her early 20s. I’ll never know.

 

Why do you need to know? It may never happen. Are you a deep thinker? There is an advantage to being a deeply thoughtful person but on the other side of the spectrum is over thinking things. You seem to write well also. Some of my more intellectual friends do have these types of problems and I do not use the word insecurity because they believe that they just want to make sure and nothing is wrong with that and be prepared just in case. And I do not dispute that. However, I observe that it sometimes boomerangs because they cause anxiety in the relationship and they themselves precipitate the very thing they were trying to prepare for.

[Badmamajama]

Why do you need to know? It may never happen. Are you a deep thinker? There is an advantage to being a deeply thoughtful person but on the other side of the spectrum is over thinking things. You seem to write well also. Some of my more intellectual friends do have these types of problems and I do not use the word insecurity because they believe that they just want to make sure and nothing is wrong with that and be prepared just in case. And I do not dispute that. However, I observe that it sometimes boomerangs because they cause anxiety in the relationship and they themselves precipitate the very thing they were trying to prepare for.

 

I suppose I just need to know that she’d never want him back (effectively impossible as he lives in another country anyway) and that she’s happier with me than she was with him.

 

I’m 99.9% certain she is and everything she does confirms that, but then again I am an over-thinker!

[abitbroken]

I’m sorry but your friend’s example is in no way reflective of anyone else’s situation or a sign that getting a house first is destined to “go south.” It’s perhaps a cultural difference as I expect we are on opposite sides of the Atlantic, but here it’s perfectly standard for couples to buy a home then get married later. Religion is almost non-existent here and marriage rates are at an all-time low, people tend to not be in a hurry to do it. Marriage is also no guarantee of commitment and I know of more than one couple who have lasted less than a year beyond the big day.

 

That said, you seem to assume I have no plans to marry her. Quite the contrary and we even talked about it last night. We hope to buy a place, get settled and all being well I will propose later next year. Having a home that’s truly ours and that we can set up our life in is curently the most important next step to both of us, so we’ll do that first.

 

Rather than assume I have no intentions of commitment and suggest I am stringing her along or using her for a mortgage, please check the facts before throwing in your two cents.

 

I did not say you are stringing her along.

You are "securing" her or taking her off the market without committing to her.

You don't have a secure relationship right now and buying property together falsely secures it. Work through your insecurities. There is no rush to get property.

 

And what i described - neither of those people intended to string eachother along. Other stuff just happened and they let it get in the way - they forgot what their priority was and now both are resentful/feel uncommitted to/feel like the other person is just used to them.

 

Even if you don't have a religion, its still putting the cart before the horse.

If you both value getting married - then get married. If you want to be business partners, then buy property.

Just because "people do it" doesn't mean you should.

[Badmamajama]

I did not say you are stringing her along.

You are "securing" her or taking her off the market without committing to her.

You don't have a secure relationship right now and buying property together falsely secures it. Work through your insecurities. There is no rush to get property.

 

And what i described - neither of those people intended to string eachother along. Other stuff just happened and they let it get in the way - they forgot what their priority was and now both are resentful/feel uncommitted to/feel like the other person is just used to them.

 

Even if you don't have a religion, its still putting the cart before the horse.

If you both value getting married - then get married. If you want to be business partners, then buy property.

Just because "people do it" doesn't mean you should.

 

What are you talking about? Are you suggesting a relationship isn’t ever secure before marriage? Do you live in the 19th century?

 

I’m fully committed to her, have made her part of my family and support her in every aspect of her life. How dare you suggest otherwise when you know nothing about us.

 

Your view are your views and people are free to play out a relationship the way they choose. It’s not your place to say whether or not they should get married, have kids or get a home in a specific order.

[bluecastle]

I suppose I just need to know that she’d never want him back (effectively impossible as he lives in another country anyway) and that she’s happier with me than she was with him.

 

When I read this I see something else. I see her ex as kind of proxy for you trying to plug every hole in the ship, so you can "know" that it will never, ever sink if you take it out to the deep waters.

 

Here's the thing: that is an impossible task. A healthy relationship cannot be built around the certainty that it will never sink, because the search for that certainty negates the very thing that makes connections so valuable: the inherent mystery of another human being, with free will and personal agency. It is, in ways, blotting out the full spectrum of another human in order to be more secure in your own human skin.

 

This word "respect" gets tossed around a lot, without us really knowing what it means. It doesn't mean respecting someone's passion for civil rights law, or respecting their kindness with strangers—but respecting their autonomy, that flame in them that you can never touch but can only cherish and celebrate. And so we choose someone with a flame that warms us, that we can have a certain faith will not burn us, as we trust that our own flame will not burn them.

 

And yet, everyone may indeed burn up. Nothing—no ring, no vows, no mortgage, nothing—can negate that reality, as the world proves is time and again, every day. It's okay for all that to be scary, and it's okay to have a cell or two in your mind that's questioning it. That is healthy, human. But I would consider the idea that you are, right now, a little scared of getting on that ship and setting out toward the horizon, which is, again, okay. The ship is still docked, right now, preparing for the voyage. Enjoy that process and, I think, you'll be less concerned about what's out there and simply thrilled to set off when the time is right.

[abitbroken]

What are you talking about? Are you suggesting a relationship isn’t ever secure before marriage? Do you live in the 19th century?

 

I’m fully committed to her, have made her part of my family and support her in every aspect of her life. How dare you suggest otherwise when you know nothing about us.

 

Your view are your views and people are free to play out a relationship the way they choose. It’s not your place to say whether or not they should get married, have kids or get a home in a specific order.

 

your relationships is insecure because you have insecurity. you are punishing her in a way from having a previous love in her life. A house can not be built on a shaky foundation. I would not buy a house together at this time. I would work through your personal insecurities first.

 

You do come across as rather defensive, IMHO

[Badmamajama]

your relationships is insecure because you have insecurity. you are punishing her in a way from having a previous love in her life. A house can not be built on a shaky foundation. I would not buy a house together at this time. I would work through your personal insecurities first.

 

You do come across as rather defensive, IMHO

 

I don’t punish her. If you’d read my posts you’d see the parts where I point out I’d never bring it up as I know it’s irrational. She an incredibly happy woman with me.

 

You come across as someone full of their own issues and desperate to project them on others.

[bluecastle]

I'm curious—and I don't mean this for selfish reasons—if anything in my last post resonated. Perhaps I'm aiming to split the proverbial baby in the dustup here.

 

Your commitment to her strikes me as sincere. What strikes me as an issue is that you are suddenly less "certain" about it all, while looking for a way to be certain rather than a way to let go of the need for certainty. This would make sense, considering that, not long ago, you were not certain about your own health—and in that state of uncertainty you sought a false-refuge in a FB deep dive.

 

Zooming out a bit, away from the specifics, I think this is normal, okay, healthy. At the end of the day believing in a relationship's health is more like believing in god than in antibiotics; it requires a certain faith far more than hard science.

 

That faith can dim here and there. It is allowed. I suppose I'm encouraging you to maybe see it like that, so the instinct to judge—yourself, her past relationship—is replaced by something a bit more softer, an instinct to embrace the full spectrum of both of you: her past, your deep dive and subsequent spins. That way you can give it all a hug, say "it is what it is," and, with that, the specifics dissolve in the petri dish and the faith glows a bit brighter.

[Badmamajama]

Thanks @bluecastle and yes it has resonated, however things took a strange turn last night and so long story short, I’m going to get rid over the weekend.

 

On Thursday I accidentally left the tap running a tiny bit in the bathroom for hours and she wasn’t too pleased, as she said it could leak into our downstairs neighbour. I said sorry, but that if the drainage system is ok it shouldn’t leak. She said that when she lived abroad in a share house (also the year she met the fiancé) the same thing happened and leaked downstairs.

 

I said this was only one example and asked if she’d had a plumber confirm that leaving a tap on gently will flood downstairs. She said no, but “people who knew about plumbing” had told her in the past.

 

One of the few FB posts I saw about her and her ex-fiancé in 2011 was one where she thanked him for fixing her sink. It clicked that this was the same incident in the share house. He is the guy who “knew about plumbing.”

 

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

[Wiseman2]

Ok whose place is it or did you co-sign a lease? Hopefully you'll be able to move out without much ado. It sounds like you've been examining and reexamining this whole situation with her and this was just the thing you needed to get out of it. It's not about plumbing, is it?

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

[Badmamajama]

Ok whose place is it or did you co-sign a lease? Hopefully you'll be able to move out without much ado. It sounds like you've been examining and reexamining this whole situation with her and this was just the thing you needed to get out of it. It's not about plumbing, is it?

 

It’s her place. I can find another quite quickly and have family in the same city anyway.

 

It’s not about plumbing. I took on a woman with the baggage of a failed engagement where she’d been dumped, and due to that situation always had the slight niggling feeling that she may have wished it had worked out with her fiancé. I do not want to life my life as a backup plan.

 

I thought I was wrong, hoped I was wrong, but last night she proved me right with that comment.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent, so it's just a matter of walking out the door. Yeah, it's silly talking about fancy weddings, mortgages, etc when you have so many reservations and just living together caused this type of meltdown. It's wise to leave now before you wore each other down more. You were looking for the exit sign and you found it.

It’s her place. I can find another quite quickly and have family in the same city anyway. but last night she proved me right with that comment.

[mustlovedogs]

Thanks @bluecastle and yes it has resonated, however things took a strange turn last night and so long story short, I’m going to get rid over the weekend.

 

On Thursday I accidentally left the tap running a tiny bit in the bathroom for hours and she wasn’t too pleased, as she said it could leak into our downstairs neighbour. I said sorry, but that if the drainage system is ok it shouldn’t leak. She said that when she lived abroad in a share house (also the year she met the fiancé) the same thing happened and leaked downstairs.

 

I said this was only one example and asked if she’d had a plumber confirm that leaving a tap on gently will flood downstairs. She said no, but “people who knew about plumbing” had told her in the past.

 

One of the few FB posts I saw about her and her ex-fiancé in 2011 was one where she thanked him for fixing her sink. It clicked that this was the same incident in the share house. He is the guy who “knew about plumbing.”

 

I didn’t say anything back, but for the first time she’s compared me unfavourably to him and to be honest that’s it for me. I may be over-reacting but this isn’t going to get better, so I’ll end it this weekend.

 

I know of one first hand story where leaving the tap on flooded a downstairs apartment. It happened to my friend in her rent controlled apartment and she was told find an expensive apartment or deal with the mold.

 

So yes. You’re overreacting. It’s irresponsible to leave the tap on and being upset that her ex fiancé happened to impart knowledge is overreacting.