Am I really just a consolation prize after gf’s broken engagement

[Badmamajama]

Excellent, so it's just a matter of walking out the door. Yeah, it's silly talking about fancy weddings, mortgages, etc when you have so many reservations and just living together caused this type of meltdown. It's wise to leave now before you wore each other down more. You were looking for the exit sign and you found it.

 

I mean it wasn’t a meltdown, was quickly resolved and she was incredibly affectionate in the morning, but I can’t have that kind of comment. I’m done.

 

She doesn’t know that I know it’s her ex she was talking about. Will be interested to see her reaction.

[Badmamajama]

I know of one first hand story where leaving the tap on flooded a downstairs apartment. It happened to my friend in her rent controlled apartment and she was told find an expensive apartment or deal with the mold.

 

So yes. You’re overreacting. It’s irresponsible to leave the tap on and being upset that her ex fiancé happened to impart knowledge is overreacting.

 

She should have just said it was a plumber rather than “people who knew about plumbing.”

 

She’s no idea I know who she was talking about. I’ll confront her tonight and leave.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like the "I'm done," talk will be a huge relief for you. No rich parents, no weddings, no mortgages, no exes, no taking orders in her house, etc. The only problem is everyone will have a past, family etc. But for the right women you won't go out looking for faults, instead you'll barely even notice them. Next time stop dating if there are this many incompatibilities and anyone's family's wealth or exes rub you the wrong way, or if there is too much wedding and future talk.

I mean it wasn’t a meltdown, was quickly resolved and she was incredibly affectionate in the morning, but I can’t have that kind of comment. I’m done.

 

She doesn’t know that I know it’s her ex she was talking about. Will be interested to see her reaction.

[bluecastle]

You're wound a lot tighter than I thought—and, I have to say, I think you just want out of this relationship and have been looking for the exit portal.

 

Imagine last night if (a) you never looked at FB or (b) if you had a more secure acceptance of that fact that she, like all adult people, come to you with a past. Basically she was just expressing a concern (potential leak) based on life experience (seeking a leak develop like this, learning about such leaks though life). You would have said, "Sorry, babe," or "Thanks for letting me know," and that would have been that.

 

So you can call that "baggage," if it's what you need to justify exiting, but I'm sorry, that's a stretch. "Baggage" would look something like this: She confronts you about the leak, crying, saying, "My fiancé used to accidentally do that and it drove me nuts! Once it leaked into the neighbors house and we were evicted! Then he cheated on me! It was the worst time in my life! I thought it was over! Why, why, why?!" Just because that's the scene you've constructed in your imagination does not make it the scene that actually played out.

 

Similarly, "baggage" looks like ending a relationship on these grounds and viewing a woman through this lens. Something in you has gotten stirred up. Maybe you just have doubts, second thoughts after getting sick, or have never quite been able to communicate with her as adults. Maybe in her you see an eraser to your own past, so if you're not that "spotless mind" wand for her it's not enough. I don't know. But I would try to explore this, to understand some of these reactions for future relationships. Getting them in check is going to serve you well.

 

I mean, when people suggest something they enjoy sexually it's usually because of sexual pleasure someone else delivered—and that can lead to beautiful sex with each other. We do benefit, in other words, from where someone has been before coming to us.

 

Small piece of advice? End this gracefully. Tell her you have not felt secure enough in this for a bit, that you've realized it's unfair to both of you to proceed, and that you'll aways appreciate the time you shared and wish the best for her. The end. No need to weaponize the ex. She hasn't, after all, and doing so would be a form of "punishment," as abitbroken put it. There is, in short, nothing to "confront" here—that's what people do who want to work through things, together, and they confront with kindness, not malice.

 

If what you want is to breakup—well, then own that as your choice without making it her fault.

[Badmamajama]

It sounds like the "I'm done," talk will be a huge relief for you. No rich parents, no weddings, no mortgages, no exes, no taking orders in her house, etc. The only problem is everyone will have a past, family etc. But for the right women you won't go out looking for faults, instead you'll barely even notice them. Next time stop dating if there are this many incompatibilities and anyone's family's wealth or exes rub you the wrong way, or if there is too much wedding and future talk.

 

Yeah will do. I actually will miss her family to an extenr as they’re generous and good fun, they’re not a problem at all.l, just used to the good life.

 

However I’m not spending my life in the shadow of some guy who disappeared off the scene years ago. It will be hard to find someone without that baggage at my age but I’ll see what happens. Otherwise at least I’ve now saved up enough cash for a decent bachelor pad.

[Badmamajama]

You're wound a lot tighter than I thought—and, I have to say, I think you just want out of this relationship and have been looking for the exit portal.

 

Imagine last night if (a) you never looked at FB or (b) if you had a more secure acceptance of that fact that she, like all adult people, come to you with a past. Basically she was just expressing a concern (potential leak) based on life experience (seeking a leak develop like this, learning about such leaks though life). You would have said, "Sorry, babe," or "Thanks for letting me know," and that would have been that.

 

So you can call that "baggage," if it's what you need to justify exiting, but I'm sorry, that's a stretch. "Baggage" would look something like this: She confronts you about the leak, crying, saying, "My fiancé used to accidentally do that and it drove me nuts! Once it leaked into the neighbors house and we were evicted! Then he cheated on me! It was the worst time in my life! I thought it was over! Why, why, why?!" Just because that's the scene you've constructed in your imagination does not make it the scene that actually played out.

 

Similarly, "baggage" looks like ending a relationship on these grounds and viewing a woman through this lens. Something in you has gotten stirred up. Maybe you just have doubts, second thoughts after getting sick, or have never quite been able to communicate with her as adults. Maybe in her you see an eraser to your own past, so if you're not that "spotless mind" wand for her it's not enough. I don't know. But I would try to explore this, to understand some of these reactions for future relationships. Getting them in check is going to serve you well.

 

I mean, when people suggest something they enjoy sexually it's usually because of sexual pleasure someone else delivered—and that can lead to beautiful sex with each other. We do benefit, in other words, from where someone has been before coming to us.

 

Small piece of advice? End this gracefully. Tell her you have not felt secure enough in this for a bit, that you've realized it's unfair to both of you to proceed, and that you'll aways appreciate the time you shared and wish the best for her. The end. No need to weaponize the ex. She hasn't, after all, and doing so would be a form of "punishment," as abitbroken put it. There is, in short, nothing to "confront" here—that's what people do who want to work through things, together, and they confront with kindness, not malice.

 

If what you want is to breakup—well, then own that as your choice without making it her fault.

 

Thanks again bluecastle, more thought provoking input and much appreciated.

 

Yeah if I’d never looked at FB I’d have been none the wiser. And just FYI - she didn’t name him specifically, I just put 2 and 2 together as the FB post said he knew a bit about plumbing as he fixed the leak. The fact that she wouldn’t name “who knew about plumbing” confirmed it, but she’s no idea that I know it was him.

 

However, assuming it was him, then she’s already weaponised the ex herself. If ever there’s a situation for a white lie, that was it but she chose differently.

 

The eraser idea hits hard but I think you’re onto something. I’ll think about that.

 

On your sex analogy, it’s odd that 5 years after the fiancé she had a brief boyfriend whom turned out to be a scumbag but reading between the lines, was the first time she enjoyed sex. It ended just months before we met, I never doubted she was over it and I’m aware that the sexual confidence it gave her led to our own great sex life.

 

I don’t give him a second’s thought, but the ex fiancé is different. I’m not some crazy stalker boyfriend so have that gut feeling I must be onto something.

 

I’ll do my best to end it gracefully. She won’t take it well as she thinks we’re happy and going to get married, but the situation is untenable.

[bluecastle]

Of course she didn't name him specifically. Know why, if I had to guess? She's hardly thinking about him. You are the one thinking about him, reading between the lines, thirsty for evidence of sins that aren't actually being committed, suppressed thoughts and feelings that don't exist beneath any surface, phantom hangups in her head that are really just hangups in your own.

 

To the sex analogy. If I say to a woman "A little more like this" it's not because, in my head, I'm wildly fantasizing about an ex who did it a little bit more like that. It's because life has taught me I like it like this, more than that, and I'm now expressing who I am to the person I'm being intimate with. Now, if that woman then says "Did she do it more like this?", referring, directly or not, to an Instagram post from 9 years earlier, then I'd know that my new intimate partner has some hangups that prevent the sort of intimate bond I seek.

 

I'm not you, not in your relationship. I can flip a coin here on whether your gut is onto something real or whether you've got some issues that need to be solved—doesn't really matter, if you toss pride out the window and be humble. Untenable is untenable. You don't always need to give yourself a reason that places you "up here" in the baggage-free zone, and another "down there" in the unclaimed baggage pile. Doing that can be cruel, and limited for your own growth.

 

Being totally frank, I think you have a slightly unrealistic expectation of women. You were with someone for a decade, and who knows what else you've gotten up to over the years. Reading between the lines, it sounds like all that is stuff you still think about here and there, are maybe even still a bit hung up on in small ways—which, hey, fine. That's your life, you're a human. But can you not afford the same grace to a woman?

 

My girlfriend was married, for a decade, before me. She is raising a child with her ex-husband. Does she still think about the marriage? I would put that answer at 100 percent. Does she still "feel" things from that chapter? Ditto. Not because she talks to me about it at length (she doesn't) or because she's got photos of him on FB (don't know, don't scroll), but because I know she is a human being and humans think about where they've been, feel things, are marked and altered by it in ways that make them interesting. I respect her past. How can I not? It led her to me, formed her into the woman I fell in love with.

 

At some point, perhaps with a little self-work and a better match for your worked-on self, you'll be able to see women a bit more in that light. After all, I suspect you'd want a woman to be accepting of you, and where you've been, including this present chapter, rather than threatened by it, no?

[Badmamajama]

Of course she didn't name him specifically. Know why, if I had to guess? She's hardly thinking about him. You are the one thinking about him, reading between the lines, thirsty for evidence of sins that aren't actually being committed, suppressed thoughts and feelings that don't exist beneath any surface, phantom hangups in her head that are really just hangups in your own.

 

To the sex analogy. If I say to a woman "A little more like this" it's not because, in my head, I'm wildly fantasizing about an ex who did it a little bit more like that. It's because life has taught me I like it like this, more than that, and I'm now expressing who I am to the person I'm being intimate with. Now, if that woman then says "Did she do it more like this?", referring, directly or not, to an Instagram post from 9 years earlier, then I'd know that my new intimate partner has some hangups that prevent the sort of intimate bond I seek.

 

I'm not you, not in your relationship. I can flip a coin here on whether your gut is onto something real or whether you've got some issues that need to be solved—doesn't really matter, if you toss pride out the window and be humble. Untenable is untenable. You don't always need to give yourself a reason that places you "up here" in the baggage-free zone, and another "down there" in the unclaimed baggage pile. Doing that can be cruel, and limited for your own growth.

 

Being totally frank, I think you have a slightly unrealistic expectation of women. You were with someone for a decade, and who knows what else you've gotten up to over the years. Reading between the lines, it sounds like all that is stuff you still think about here and there, are maybe even still a bit hung up on in small ways—which, hey, fine. That's your life, you're a human. But can you not afford the same grace to a woman?

 

My girlfriend was married, for a decade, before me. She is raising a child with her ex-husband. Does she still think about the marriage? I would put that answer at 100 percent. Does she still "feel" things from that chapter? Ditto. Not because she talks to me about it at length (she doesn't) or because she's got photos of him on FB (don't know, don't scroll), but because I know she is a human being and humans think about where they've been, feel things, are marked and altered by it in ways that make them interesting. I respect her past. How can I not? It led her to me, formed her into the woman I fell in love with.

 

At some point, perhaps with a little self-work and a better match for your worked-on self, you'll be able to see women a bit more in that light. After all, I suspect you'd want a woman to be accepting of you, and where you've been, including this present chapter, rather than threatened by it, no?

 

Lots to think about here and thanks again, nail pretty much hit on the head for a lot of it.

 

It’s too late to save my current relationship, but I’ll look to take this feedback on and move forward.

[Badmamajama]

Of course she didn't name him specifically. Know why, if I had to guess? She's hardly thinking about him. You are the one thinking about him, reading between the lines, thirsty for evidence of sins that aren't actually being committed, suppressed thoughts and feelings that don't exist beneath any surface, phantom hangups in her head that are really just hangups in your own.

 

To the sex analogy. If I say to a woman "A little more like this" it's not because, in my head, I'm wildly fantasizing about an ex who did it a little bit more like that. It's because life has taught me I like it like this, more than that, and I'm now expressing who I am to the person I'm being intimate with. Now, if that woman then says "Did she do it more like this?", referring, directly or not, to an Instagram post from 9 years earlier, then I'd know that my new intimate partner has some hangups that prevent the sort of intimate bond I seek.

 

I'm not you, not in your relationship. I can flip a coin here on whether your gut is onto something real or whether you've got some issues that need to be solved—doesn't really matter, if you toss pride out the window and be humble. Untenable is untenable. You don't always need to give yourself a reason that places you "up here" in the baggage-free zone, and another "down there" in the unclaimed baggage pile. Doing that can be cruel, and limited for your own growth.

 

Being totally frank, I think you have a slightly unrealistic expectation of women. You were with someone for a decade, and who knows what else you've gotten up to over the years. Reading between the lines, it sounds like all that is stuff you still think about here and there, are maybe even still a bit hung up on in small ways—which, hey, fine. That's your life, you're a human. But can you not afford the same grace to a woman?

 

My girlfriend was married, for a decade, before me. She is raising a child with her ex-husband. Does she still think about the marriage? I would put that answer at 100 percent. Does she still "feel" things from that chapter? Ditto. Not because she talks to me about it at length (she doesn't) or because she's got photos of him on FB (don't know, don't scroll), but because I know she is a human being and humans think about where they've been, feel things, are marked and altered by it in ways that make them interesting. I respect her past. How can I not? It led her to me, formed her into the woman I fell in love with.

 

At some point, perhaps with a little self-work and a better match for your worked-on self, you'll be able to see women a bit more in that light. After all, I suspect you'd want a woman to be accepting of you, and where you've been, including this present chapter, rather than threatened by it, no?

 

It’s weird how I totally get the sex analogy part and it doesn’t bother me. She knows what she wants in that realm and I’m more or less certain I know who it was that she learned that with (not her fiancé), yet or doesn’t bother me and I view it exactly like you do.

 

The other hangup, well I’m never going to get over it. If I hadn’t scrolled down we’d have been really happy as we’re by and large a great match. Because I scrolled? It’s done.

[bluecastle]

I’ll also never scroll on Facebook as that’s how this all started.

 

Last words, then:

 

I'd push yourself to go deeper than this. Vowing to "never scroll" again puts you in a self-created prison, where you give more power to the very thing that needs to be disempowered, demystified: the pasts of other human beings, particularly those of the opposite gender. You can only plug so many holes, and it'll always come up, especially if you want it to.

 

Who gave you that shirt? Who did you go to Istanbul with? Who knew about plumbing? You don't need FB to ask those questions, or to read between the lines of copper pipes and blouses. If the instinct is inside of you, you will find a way to indulge it, especially if you don't understand where it comes from.

 

Psych 101: if we are obsessing about the past of another, it generally means there is either (a) something in our own past that we haven't reckoned with and are hoping that person eradicates; or (b) we are frightened about what lies in our future and are seeking answers to those unanswerable questions in the false encyclopedia of the past—ours, another's.

 

Food for thought, to chew on or leave on the plate as you see fit.

[bluecastle]

It’s weird how I totally get the sex analogy part and it doesn’t bother me. She knows what she wants in that realm and I’m more or less certain I know who it was that she learned that with (not her fiancé), yet or doesn’t bother me and I view it exactly like you do.

 

No, your view seems to be different than mine. See, you are still showing the same instinct. You are "more or less certain" that sexual act x comes from man y. You are still focused on another man, with a name you know and a face you can see. You are engaging with him, in your mind, as much as you are engaging with her.

 

Maybe it doesn't bother you, in this realm, and maybe that's because you derive a lot of self worth from enjoying physical intimacy, or being the super stud who "wins" over past aspiring studs, but in the realm of emotional intimacy the instinct to focus on other men is a blockage. They "win" over you, in a competition created in your brain.

[bluecastle]

Just to add: What I don't know, in offering these thoughts, is the degree to which she's "told" you these things or the degree to which you are hungry to infer them.

 

The sex stuff, for instance. There are some people, say, who may flippantly describe a past relationship as "super passionate but volatile" as opposed to "a thing that just stopped working because we outgrew each other." The former hints at an incendiary dynamic that will likely put another human on edge, perhaps intentionally, while the latter softens the edge, respecting another's humanity. This is all very subtle.

 

People will, of course, ask questions—about where people have been. The key is to be okay with whatever answer you get. So if you ask someone about their sex life, it's because you are someone who is not thrown by that sort of thing, but genuinely curious rather than morbidly curious. Ditto if you decide to deep scroll. You do it because you already know nothing you see can touch you, rather than semi-consciously looking for a power keg to light.

[mustlovedogs]

She should have just said it was a plumber rather than “people who knew about plumbing.”

 

She’s no idea I know who she was talking about. I’ll confront her tonight and leave.

 

That’s a very bizarre reaction.

[Badmamajama]

Just to add: What I don't know, in offering these thoughts, is the degree to which she's "told" you these things or the degree to which you are hungry to infer them.

 

The sex stuff, for instance. There are some people, say, who may flippantly describe a past relationship as "super passionate but volatile" as opposed to "a thing that just stopped working because we outgrew each other." The former hints at an incendiary dynamic that will likely put another human on edge, perhaps intentionally, while the latter softens the edge, respecting another's humanity. This is all very subtle.

 

People will, of course, ask questions—about where people have been. The key is to be okay with whatever answer you get. So if you ask someone about their sex life, it's because you are someone who is not thrown by that sort of thing, but genuinely curious rather than morbidly curious. Ditto if you decide to deep scroll. You do it because you already know nothing you see can touch you, rather than semi-consciously looking for a power keg to light.

 

The sex stuff just came up in due course really. She is pretty candid and open about things like that, but in a humorous, self deprecating way as opposed to a powder keg way.

 

She was quite frank that the fiancé was useless in bed to the extent it put her off sex, but she thought at the time sex wasn’t a huge deal.

 

The following boyfriend she had a largely sexless relationship with, partly as fallout from the fiancé and partly because he had erectile dysfunction.

 

The one after wasn’t as serious, but they had a more normal sex life, hence she arrived at me still a tiny bit sexually shy, but still knowing what she wanted.

 

I never quizzed her and none of this was said by her to spark jealousy (trust me, I’ve seen that before). It just came up in the course of conversation.

[bluecastle]

It all sounds pretty great, pretty healthy. Doesn’t mean it’s the right thing, of course, if you can’t feel great and healthy in what you’re building together.

 

Could it be that you just want different things right now? Could it be that you moved in a little quick, or made the decision to move in when you were in a wobbly emotional state for the illness? Could it be a that a part of you just wants to be single again? Could it be that you’re realizing there are still some thorns from your own romantic past that are coming through?

 

Questions to think about. For a few days, in numerous posts, you were pretty fierce about how into this you were: committed, eye on the future, recognizing your nerves as something you needed to get a handle on. Were you trying to tell that story so it felt more true, to you? If that was really the case, I just struggle to see how this remark about plumbing would be the reason to press eject.

 

At 29 I ended a nearly 3 year relationship over an argument about asparagus vs Brussel sprouts. Of course, it wasn’t really about that, as we quickly discussed, gracefully enough. We didn’t work, I’d wanted out for a while, was struggling to come to terms with that, we both were, and the Great Veggie Debate became the catalyst for me to say, “I can’t do this.” I wonder if this is something like that, for you, and if it is that’s okay. Just be kind, and don’t rub her past in her face—since she hasn’t actually done that to you.

[Badmamajama]

It all sounds pretty great, pretty healthy. Doesn’t mean it’s the right thing, of course, if you can’t feel great and healthy in what you’re building together.

 

Could it be that you just want different things right now? Could it be that you moved in a little quick, or made the decision to move in when you were in a wobbly emotional state for the illness? Could it be a that a part of you just wants to be single again? Could it be that you’re realizing there are still some thorns from your own romantic past that are coming through?

 

Questions to think about. For a few days, in numerous posts, you were pretty fierce about how into this you were: committed, eye on the future, recognizing your nerves as something you needed to get a handle on. Were you trying to tell that story so it felt more true, to you? If that was really the case, I just struggle to see how this remark about plumbing would be the reason to press eject.

 

At 29 I ended a nearly 3 year relationship over an argument about asparagus vs Brussel sprouts. Of course, it wasn’t really about that, as we quickly discussed, gracefully enough. We didn’t work, I’d wanted out for a while, was struggling to come to terms with that, we both were, and the Great Veggie Debate became the catalyst for me to say, “I can’t do this.” I wonder if this is something like that, for you, and if it is that’s okay. Just be kind, and don’t rub her past in her face—since she hasn’t actually done that to you.

 

On further reflection, it’s not that I don’t want to be in it at all. Anyone who sees us says we work tremendously. Our sense of humour, life goals, sexual chemistry all line up orders of magnitude beyond anything I’ve known before. Arguments are rare, are forgotten within minutes and it feels entirely right with her.

 

Thorns from the past though, well the way they link to this problem are pretty clear. My first girlfriend was very experienced sexually for our age and liked to use that as a weapon, for example texting me at night to say she was getting a ride home from her ex or had been chatting in a nightclub some guy she’d once slept with. We were both very young, but the past was a weapon for her, one to create the kind of drama immature young people often think is needed in relationships.

 

My next relationship lasted 10 years and this time it was the opposite. She’d not had much romantic experience, had crippling insecurities and effectively expected me to block out any existence of the life I’d had before her, everything from past girlfriends to family and friends. At the end, she brought it up constantly how she never felt she compared to my ex girlfriend, whom I’d never mentioned in 10 years and who I’d spent only one largely unhappy year with, when I was little more than a kid.

 

So, from different perspectives the past was dredged up constantly in prior relationships, either as something to cause an argument or something I felt I had to hide.

 

My current gf has a relatively normal past. A few boyfriends, a fiancé when she was too young but nothing out of the ordinary. I have my own past too and beyond the odd little pang of morbid curiosity early on, she has handled it in a rational manner. Somehow I struggle internally to afford her that grace, perhaps because this is my first time deaing with an actual adult with the maturity to process what’s gone on in her life before. Everything she’s done this far suggests these experiences have no negative effect on her and I.

 

You were right, the plumbing comment wasn’t about her comparing me to an ex and in the cold light of day as I processed it, I felt like a nutcase for treating it as such. As you can probably tell, I didn’t eject and actually had a nice time with her last night, as I have done every night I’ve ever spent with her. Just like every other night, I didn’t let my inability to handle the fact she was a human being with a life before me affect us and she continues on unaware about this purgatory I’ve created in my head. Ultimately that’s what the problem is.

 

Perhaps I am too crazy underneath to handle this, but I’ll see how I get on. Appreciate all the replies on here, even the harsh ones!

 

I’m also aware how nuts I have come across in this thread and do trust me, I’m nothing like that irl. For me this is a good way to vent our internal, unhealthy and often unfounded frustrations that I know aren’t healthy in the real world.

[Badmamajama]

On further reflection, it’s not that I don’t want to be in it at all. Anyone who sees us says we work tremendously. Our sense of humour, life goals, sexual chemistry all line up orders of magnitude beyond anything I’ve known before. Arguments are rare, are forgotten within minutes and it feels entirely right with her.

 

Thorns from the past though, well the way they link to this problem are pretty clear. My first girlfriend was very experienced sexually for our age and liked to use that as a weapon, for example texting me at night to say she was getting a ride home from her ex or had been chatting in a nightclub some guy she’d once slept with. We were both very young, but the past was a weapon for her, one to create the kind of drama immature young people often think is needed in relationships.

 

My next relationship lasted 10 years and this time it was the opposite. She’d not had much romantic experience, had crippling insecurities and effectively expected me to block out any existence of the life I’d had before her, everything from past girlfriends to family and friends. At the end, she brought it up constantly how she never felt she compared to my ex girlfriend, whom I’d never mentioned in 10 years and who I’d spent only one largely unhappy year with, when I was little more than a kid.

 

So, from different perspectives the past was dredged up constantly in prior relationships, either as something to cause an argument or something I felt I had to hide.

 

My current gf has a relatively normal past. A few boyfriends, a fiancé when she was too young but nothing out of the ordinary. I have my own past too and beyond the odd little pang of morbid curiosity early on, she has handled it in a rational manner. Somehow I struggle internally to afford her that grace, perhaps because this is my first time deaing with an actual adult with the maturity to process what’s gone on in her life before. Everything she’s done this far suggests these experiences have no negative effect on her and I.

 

You were right, the plumbing comment wasn’t about her comparing me to an ex and in the cold light of day as I processed it, I felt like a nutcase for treating it as such. As you can probably tell, I didn’t eject and actually had a nice time with her last night, as I have done every night I’ve ever spent with her. Just like every other night, I didn’t let my inability to handle the fact she was a human being with a life before me affect us and she continues on unaware about this purgatory I’ve created in my head. Ultimately that’s what the problem is.

 

Perhaps I am too crazy underneath to handle this, but I’ll see how I get on. Appreciate all the replies on here, even the harsh ones!

 

I’m also aware how nuts I have come across in this thread and do trust me, I’m nothing like that irl. For me this is a good way to vent our internal, unhealthy and often unfounded frustrations that I know aren’t healthy in the real world.

 

*vent out, not vent our...

[bluecastle]

You don't come across as nuts here, at all, and there's certainly a place for venting—on the internet, in life. What I'd be mindful of is whether you're actually venting (i.e. releasing hot air so you can go about the business of life) or something a bit like enrichment (giving weight and power to things that don't deserve them). You're clearly smart, self-aware, which are great qualities, but they can also be used against us if they rationalize certain thought patterns rather than being harnessed to change those patterns.

 

You remind me, in terms of your relationship history, a bit of my best friend: two formative relationships, one quite long, that were fueled from some pretty immature embers. That's tough. I, for example, have an inverse history. My big relationship in high school, and my big relationship in my early 20s, were quite stable, loving, drama-free. Mature, in ways. I was young, not ready, and have certainly engaged in some dramatics—in myself, in others—but those templates were great. Imagining a scenario where something I got into at 27 was the thing I got into at 18 or 23—ooof.

 

Because even when you "know" something about the dynamic is off, and even when you've grown and reflected and can pinpoint this and that, certain habits are still formed, certain ideas of what kinds of feelings are valuable, as well as certain jagged modes of cultivating those feelings. Habits are hard to break, especially when you don't have a clear idea of what something would look and feel like with those habits broken. There is tremendous comfort, after all, in habits, even bad ones. Talk to a smoker.

 

Were I to venture, I'd say that, without quite meaning to, you are applying some past romantic paradigms to this one, only with you playing the role of girlfriends past. Yes, it's maybe "just" in your head and confined to FB—at least for now—but that does't make it less potent, and potentially problematic. Think of it (I'm not reaching for this metaphor accidentally) like a little blockage in a sink pipe. For a while it's no big deal, not even noticeable. Then you notice the water is slow to drain—annoying, but whatever. But if that blockage isn't addressed? The water just pools up, sits there. Gross. Not good. Suddenly very simple things—shaving, teeth brushing—are kind of fraught.

 

You were very quick to reach for the trigger the other day. You didn't pull, but if your reaction is a trigger-happy one it's only a matter of time before you fire a bullet. Gunshots don't make for harmony, and there is nothing quite like reactive voicing of "I'm done!" to take a pickaxe to the foundation of a relationship. It's basically where respect evaporates, because it's human nature to lose respect for someone who stays with you after you say you're done, and to lose respect for yourself for doing the same. The other day that scene was confined to your mind, lessening the blow, but it's still a hit.

 

I'd take that seriously, as a habit to quit rather than indulge.