Am I wrong to be upset?

[Beej]

Thank you for your advice, both for and against my side of things as it gives a bit of perspective.

 

Finally this evening I managed to get us to talk. I asked her what her opinion was on my mum and my relationship with her. I told her I’ve thought things over and that I completely understand that she may have felt on the sidelines and why she would think that the amount of contact is unusual. I explained why I am being there for her and that I will step away to a certain extent when I feel that I can. She told me that the time I spent with my mum was never an issue. She didn't have much to say about it. I was quite firm that for the right reasons I want to take my mother away, just me and my sister, my mind is made up on that, and there there is nothing wrong with it. It’s not just a holiday you are being excluded from but a chance to strengthen our family and help my mum. She said if that’s my stance she will have to reconsider our relationship, she is seriously pissed that I “made a thing about it” last night because I got a bit upset with her about this topic. Basically I haven’t shown that I want to be in a relationship because I have made a thing out of it. We have flights we booked to go to Spain this weekend and now she’s saying she isn’t sure if she wants me to go. Oh the irony... note: isn’t sure, never is sure, whether it’s plans or us breaking up. Always a U-turn, always dissatisfied but never enough to go through with the decision. Every time we talk previous arguments come up. Why agree to move forward and have a couple of nice evenings if the past gets brought up again.

 

Last week we both decided to end it and because I am being made redundant and may be out of work I asked if I could keep our rental property (1 month rolling contract). She said no she wanted to stay, I don’t want a massive fight so fine I said I’d look for places. She said I can pay half the rent for when I’m here only so I could move out. I did look for other places and when I told her she went into despair. When I said I would need to end my tenancy here for a reference so I could get a new place she told me I would have to hand my notice in when we pay the rent. Essentially this would mean I would have to live with her for 7.5 weeks. We are due to be kicked out as landlord is selling, this could happen any moment. When she begged for us to give it another go I said ok but until things have improved I’m not prepared for us to both sign for for a 6 month contract in the house we move into (IMO her U-turn on the break up led to her telling me I had to stay for 7.5 weeks). She was upset and I understand that, but we both agree that we are well and truly on the rocks! She ended up agreeing and we had a good few days, although she has brought this up 3 times since. Now this is the bone of contention in tonight’s conversation. She hates that I’m “throwing my weight around and showing whose boss”.

 

Considering how if it all I can move forward with this relationship that I really want to work.

[bluecastle]

Considering how if it all I can move forward with this relationship that I really want to work.

 

I'm just going to be frank here.

 

I don't think the relationship you "really want to work" is this relationship. Nor do I think you particularly want to be with this woman. What you want is a completely different relationship with a completely different woman, but you're breaking your brain to stitch together the scraps before you into some kind of quilt that provides genuine warmth, to squint hard enough so that the massive, unbridgeable chasms between you two look more like cracks in the sidewalk that can be smoothed over with a little putty.

 

Perhaps because of your own past—and what I imagine was a hard youth with an alcoholic parent, a youth I can very much relate to, by the way—you are somewhat inclined to equate punishment and manipulation with being loved and respected. Or, more to the point: that being loved and respected is not something you deserve, but something you have to work for, claw for, nibble on in scraps rather than feast on in a buffet. Otherwise I cannot for life of me understand the appeal here.

 

This thread, as it has unspooled, has become a story of a toxic relationship that stopped functioning a long, long time ago.

[Beej]

Blue castle I appreciate what you’re saying. However my mothers conditioned worsened in recent years and she was and continues to be a wonderful and caring person despite her issues. Maybe not having a dad around, however, has made me less firm with my beliefs. However I torment myself so much over this “whose right whose wrong thing”. Constantly not knowing whether I am a good person. I have realised over the past year that there is not much self esteem left. Not to wallow in self pity but the depression that has come over me recently makes it difficult to be firm when she’s wrong but also realise when I am in the wrong as well.

[bluecastle]

I hear you.

 

Relationships are not about who is "right" and who is "wrong," and they are certainly not things we engage with to prove that we are "good" people. They are about two people—not good, not bad, not perfect, not awful, but just people—who function well together.

 

You two, by the sounds of it, do not.

 

I can't help but feel that, gun to head, you'd find more relief than pain in the following scenario: you go away for a few days with your mother and come back to find your relationship is over. Honestly, I think that's what you want. But you don't want to be the "bad" guy and just say it. You want to be the "good"guy who can talk about it, try to resolve it.

 

She sees through that a bit, sees it as disingenuous, so instead of meeting you on the high plane where adults work through problems, she goes for the low blows. She's basically trying to grab the power back from you, since she sees your high-minded, equanimous approach more as power grab than something coming from your heart.

 

Your coping mechanism to conflict is to be more patient and understanding than you actually are; hers is to be more of a brat than she actually is. As a result, there is nothing like a sincere, authentic connection. Around and around it goes, each of you chipping away at the other.

[Beej]

Oh wow, my mind is blown. Seriously...

 

The amount of times I try to be something and someone, try and act the right way, to act in the moral way. But inside I’m screaming, you aren’t being fair. I force myself to see her view because “I’m a pain too” but the resentment is too much sometimes. Maybe this is where this belief in me that I’m not a good person comes from. One thing I do know for sure is that one of us has nothing left to give and one won’t end the relationship, the problem is they are both the same person, her.

 

I said to her today that I genuinely mean what I said (see: tonight I finally managed to get her to talk..) and I do. But she just sees it as bull. I don’t understand why she would continue to be in a relationship that she is extremely upset in. She is either sky high in love or screaming in my face and I end up being in the middle, drained of passion.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

I said to her today that I genuinely mean what I said (see: tonight I finally managed to get her to talk..) and I do. But she just sees it as bull. I don’t understand why she would continue to be in a relationship that she is extremely upset in. She is either sky high in love or screaming in my face and I end up being in the middle, drained of passion.

 

If you needed a sign ^^ that's it.

There is no compromise here and without compromise a relationship cannot exist

[Beej]

There were a few warning signs when I entered the relationship. I think the further it has gone on and the deeper down the argument ridden hole we dig, the more I feel negatively about the relationship. On that basis I inadvertently avoid us moving forward, booking holidays, engagement, children etc. So of course she doesn’t think I’m committed. Perhaps she’s right. I guess a lot of our problems stem from this.

[Batya33]

There were a few warning signs when I entered the relationship. I think the further it has gone on and the deeper down the argument ridden hole we dig, the more I feel negatively about the relationship. On that basis I inadvertently avoid us moving forward, booking holidays, engagement, children etc. So of course she doesn’t think I’m committed. Perhaps she’s right. I guess a lot of our problems stem from this.

 

Yes- you are not committed so why should she make sacrifices for your family? I would decide soon whether to commit or not and if "not" and you want to keep seeing her casually tell her that and be clear about that. You both deserve clarity.

[bluecastle]

I don’t understand why she would continue to be in a relationship that she is extremely upset in.

 

Well, if you'd like some understanding it's pretty easy to find. You don't even need to talk to her. Just find a mirror and stare at it, because the person starring back at you has also spent a long time continuing in a relationship he is extremely upset in.

 

And I think if you can focus on that person, instead of dodging those questions by analyzing her, you'll find the peace you're looking for.

[lostandhurt]

Well, if you'd like some understanding it's pretty easy to find. You don't even need to talk to her. Just find a mirror and stare at it, because the person starring back at you has also spent a long time continuing in a relationship he is extremely upset in.

 

And I think if you can focus on that person, instead of dodging those questions by analyzing her, you'll find the peace you're looking for.

 

I totally agree. You are looking for answers in the wrong place or person. What do you want doesn't seem to be in your mind set. You are spending so much mental real estate trying to "make her happy" so she won't blow up on you that you have totally lost who you are and what you want. I can just see you walking on eggshells around her worrying when the next bomb will go off. That is no life and it certainly is no relationship.

 

You have been a trooper and hung in there much longer than most but it is time to call it quits. There are no resolutions to be found because it is simply her way or nothing, and the worst part is her way is almost always at your expense.

 

I think you know it is over but just haven't been able to accept it. I know there is fear of the unknown but being alone is way more healthy than being with her I can guarantee you that!

 

Lost