Is this wrong ?

[figureitout23]

Im going to ask again:

 

What are you getting out of this?

 

You keep doing this, you fret and fret and fret, if he makes you uneasy how can you in the same breath say everything's perfect?

 

Either hes the problem or you are. What I mean is either he is very inconsiderate and constantly has one foot out the door or you have some anxiety issues that should have been dealt with long ago and are going haywire every month or so in this relationship

[bluecastle]

I don't suspect we'll hear from irka for a bit.

 

Right now she liked the narrative she put forth on this thread: that after some early "bumps" things have become "honestly fantastic." Hence she ignored the posters who remembered those bumps, and perhaps found enough comfort in those who didn't to stay on the path a bit longer. I'm sure that Saturday, despite her sour feelings, was amazing; in fact, I suspect it was amazing because of those sour feelings. A low bar only needs to be raised a few inches to wow, you know?

 

Reminds me of the infamous Lex, who by the look of things opted to create a new profile on here to mute the past as she brought up the same issues from months ago. She came here to vent, not really to address. All good, everyone's on their own path.

 

But irka? Should you take a peek at this? I'd take a moment to acknowledge that how you felt the other day is maybe how you feel more often than not inside this relationship. If you like this feeling, forward march. If you don't like it—well, know that there are other ways to feel but that you're not in a dynamic that's going to introduce you to those feelings.

[irka000]

I am very grateful for all the comments. The bitter too.

I post here when I am confused or unsure and would appreciate views of others....I don't post to say how amazing this relationship become....and believe it I would have a lot of wonderful things to say.

At times however, things do not go necessarily according to a scenario in my head and that where I get stuck.

We are much closer. It is certainly not a matter that he treats me bad only to later make it up for it. Also it's not like am addicted to those high moments that seem to cover the lower. No.

I have issues ,insecurities ...I think he is a very balanced, healthy man.

He introduced me to his closest friends. I will soon meet his brother.

He let me in. I did let him in. However at times I still don't believe it....I have been single for so long it almost feels weird and I proceed with caution. Where he is relaxed and feels free to communicate anything with me.

I keep doubting in my mind and assume the worst only to find out later I was wrong.

I am than releived I didn't talk about it out loud.

We are getting ready for holiday together. He already suggested another destination soon after.

I am anxious....I hope all will be fine during our time together.

What I get from it ?

He is very kind , warm , thoughtful. He does little things for me that no-one ever did....

There was time that when something didn't go my way and I was ready to break it off. He asked me why I am choosing this option as a frist option ?

Why not work on this instead throwing all away.

He made me calmer ....I had no patience. He has for us both. He always talk me through things ...he says I am set in my assumption at times that I cannot see anything else. I found this to be true. I felt embarrassed cause he sees my flaws ...he still is here and says I am the kindest woman he met. He organises dates and things I like.

So Saturday was nice indeed as he took me to a restaurant I always wanted to go and than we did our holiday shopping.

It was fun. I didn't mention beers with work colleagues. He called me that Friday at 7pm and said they parted ways. He told me about changes at work. It was a good conversation as always. At the end he said he can't wait to see me.

 

I am full of concerns still....there is always something coming to my mind.

I will probably mess this relationship up. He is mature and yes, at times he does things his way and maybe doesn't consider me much....or at least I feel this way.

Time will tell.

When we are together it is always wonderful. So much affection, mutual care and fun.

When am away.....my mind starts thinks ....engine works overtime.

So here you are....I said it all.

I hope you won't be too harsh ...

[Batya33]

He is going to get tired fast of having to talk you down from the cliff of breaking up. Lived it. You have to make you calmer. I am type A married to type B and yes he "made me calmer" by being a role model for it - by being there so I could see another way but I chose it and I work on it daily. For example.

 

Reminds me of a gal I knew in grad school -very pretty and engaged to a really handsome nice guy. They had an argument and she threw the engagement ring his way impulsively. He never gave it back to her. So try not to test him too much.

[irka000]

Batya,Thank you.... believe me...I work on myself....I am aware and trying to better myself....I am not always successful but I certainly see clearly and improved areas that required urgent attention. I don't break up any more over an argument. This was childish. Testing him. Now we talk things over until we reach mutual ground.

[katrina1980]

Irka, my advice per my last post is to stop "pretending." Stop playing the "cool girl."

 

It's dishonest and your relationship will never grow, become more emotionally intimate, if you're constantly walking on eggshells and dishonest.

 

If something bothers you, speak up. Calmly and respectfully.

 

Don't shuffle under the rug while inside you are hurt and angry, this fosters nothing but resentment and more dishonesty and distrust.

 

Start being REAL..

 

Stop being so afraid.

 

I understand cause I've been there too, and as I said earlier it really screwed me up. As well as our relationship in retrospect.

[Batya33]

Batya,Thank you.... believe me...I work on myself....I am aware and trying to better myself....I am not always successful but I certainly see clearly and improved areas that required urgent attention. I don't break up any more over an argument. This was childish. Testing him. Now we talk things over until we reach mutual ground.

 

Good deal!

[figureitout23]

I am very grateful for all the comments. The bitter too.

I post here when I am confused or unsure and would appreciate views of others....I don't post to say how amazing this relationship become....and believe it I would have a lot of wonderful things to say.

At times however, things do not go necessarily according to a scenario in my head and that where I get stuck.

We are much closer. It is certainly not a matter that he treats me bad only to later make it up for it. Also it's not like am addicted to those high moments that seem to cover the lower. No.

I have issues ,insecurities ...I think he is a very balanced, healthy man.

He introduced me to his closest friends. I will soon meet his brother.

He let me in. I did let him in. However at times I still don't believe it....I have been single for so long it almost feels weird and I proceed with caution. Where he is relaxed and feels free to communicate anything with me.

I keep doubting in my mind and assume the worst only to find out later I was wrong.

I am than releived I didn't talk about it out loud.

We are getting ready for holiday together. He already suggested another destination soon after.

I am anxious....I hope all will be fine during our time together.

What I get from it ?

He is very kind , warm , thoughtful. He does little things for me that no-one ever did....

There was time that when something didn't go my way and I was ready to break it off. He asked me why I am choosing this option as a frist option ?

Why not work on this instead throwing all away.

He made me calmer ....I had no patience. He has for us both. He always talk me through things ...he says I am set in my assumption at times that I cannot see anything else. I found this to be true. I felt embarrassed cause he sees my flaws ...he still is here and says I am the kindest woman he met. He organises dates and things I like.

So Saturday was nice indeed as he took me to a restaurant I always wanted to go and than we did our holiday shopping.

It was fun. I didn't mention beers with work colleagues. He called me that Friday at 7pm and said they parted ways. He told me about changes at work. It was a good conversation as always. At the end he said he can't wait to see me.

 

I am full of concerns still....there is always something coming to my mind.

I will probably mess this relationship up. He is mature and yes, at times he does things his way and maybe doesn't consider me much....or at least I feel this way.

Time will tell.

When we are together it is always wonderful. So much affection, mutual care and fun.

When am away.....my mind starts thinks ....engine works overtime.

So here you are....I said it all.

I hope you won't be too harsh ...

 

So ^^^this^^^ is victimization. You're a wounded bird and acting offended in an attempt to get commenters to back off and allow you to keep using us to soothe your anxiety, instead of you pulling up your big girl panties and admitting if this man breathes different you go into full blown defcon 5 panic mode.

 

Batya,Thank you.... believe me...I work on myself....I am aware and trying to better myself....I am not always successful but I certainly see clearly and improved areas that required urgent attention. I don't break up any more over an argument. This was childish. Testing him. Now we talk things over until we reach mutual ground.

 

No you dont, you post here when your anxiety reaches highs and when he gives you a 'hit' you calm down until those highs come again, you are doing nothing to work on yourself, how could you? Youre in a relationship, clearly relationships are triggers for you so, an equivalent would be me quitting crack while I live in a crack house, you're working against yourself, you dont have enough calm time to actually focus on healing so it will be incredibly challenging to do, not impossible but a definite uphill battle and lets be honest, read your responses here, you haven't even stepped a foot forward yet.

 

Sorry for being so blunt but youre attempting to be manipulative because you dont actually want to change...not cool...this can be fixed but you have to take ownership. 3 years now you've acted this way, time to change...enough excuses...

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like generally you are happy with him and he is good to you. You need to let people be away from their phones and have their own friends, and some space without freaking out. Read up on phone addiction, not sure if it's real thing, but if you get anxious and catastrophically filled with doom and gloom whenever you can't tether someone to a phone it may be time to look within and reflect. Try to realize that someone having a life and being themselves is not some sort of rejection or impending breakup.

[bluecastle]

I very much agree with FiO.

 

There is a big difference between working on yourself and being aware of where you need work or using a relationship as a laboratory for the work. Awareness is just a first step, not an excuse to engage in destructive, cyclical behavior, be it lashing out by threatening a breakup or spinning around in your own head until you're dizzy.

 

I'm curious to hear, Irka, what this work has looked like. As framed, it's still within the context of the relationship: not threatening to breakup, not testing, but instead talking things through. And so the success of that work is measured by the success of the relationship, which of course puts a tremendous amount of pressure on the relationship.

 

But what about for you? What do you do—hourly, daily, weekly—to strengthen and and improve these areas that need "urgent attention?" Do you have things in your life that bring you joy, that remind you of your power, that can bring you comfort and perspective during moments of uncertainty?