****Is keeping pictures of a longterm ex on Facebook appropriate?****

[abitbroken]

That is the man who raised her daughter and is daddy to her. If she has a photo that is 6 years old on FB and you have to scroll back and search through albums to delete it, I think you are ureasonable and esp if she is friends with her daughter on FB if the daughter is old enough, I don't think she should delete them. If it were her profile photo, definitely. She could also be secure enough in her friendship with him (presumably they separated because she game out as bi??) to not have to torch everything. That's just my take. What about the adopted niece - do you mean she was one of their nieces that they adopted because their sibling couldn't care for them or is it a niece they are close to on his side and she is still in her life?

 

Is the real problem you being insecure that she will dump you and find a man to date because she was with a man before you? Or on the prowl for one? Or can you not accept that she was in love with a man? If i were you, i would be more concerned if she had pictures of a female ex on FB

[Nickel Speed]

Personally, the photos of my cheating ex are staying on Facebook. Want to know why? Because that was part of my life. Facebook is a timeline of my life. I see my memories each day. I may regret how it ended, but I don't regret my past.

Any future spouse who is jealous over what happened before they even existed can kick rocks.

 

 

 

Just like, am I going to have them on the wall in my house? No, but they won't be burned or shredded. Just tucked away in a closet.

[katrina1980]

I think we've determined it's not always about jealousy, at least not for me.

 

But it's your absolute right to keep those pics up and if any future gf doesn't like, she can walk, which is what I would choose to do.

[Nickel Speed]

So you deny your spouse had a past?

 

You'd have to dig to find old photos. What is the point in deleting them, to forget when events occured and what happened?

 

Why should someone be required to forget their good memories to appease a spouse? I have pictures of the trip we took on my birthday when my daughter was conceived. Why should I destroy the Facebook reminder? Why would it be an issue with you?

 

 

I also find it as a good backup in case I ever lose all my photos in a fire, harddrive crash, etc.

[katrina1980]

Nikel, I have already explained my position on it, including yes of course we all have a past, that is not what it's about for me.

 

Please re-read my posts for more clarity if you're interested, if not that's fine.

 

I respect your opinion and how you choose do to things, so would appreciate if you would respect mine as well, thanks.

 

Fortunately my bf feels same as I which to me is all that matters.

[j.man]

If it were to happen to me, I would simply tell him how seeing the pics every time I open his page makes me feel, in a calm and respectful way, and let him decide.

"So this completely harmless picture you posted years ago... it makes me feel like crap."

 

Naw. That's not how you treat people. You own your insecurities and deal with them yourself before using "communication" as an excuse to charge someone else with the responsibility to do so. Or find someone with whom you don't have to resolve it. Either one is fair.

 

And even for the OP's sake, OP admits it'd been brought up multiple times and it was once it was one time too many that the girlfriend essentially and rightfully said to shove it.

[SherrySher]

I foresee a lot of fights in your future Nickle. I think you not putting photos away of her has more to do with not being over her.

You seem very defensive about wanting to keep pics around.

Don't do that to another woman...remain single if you want to keep some kind of connection to your ex via pics.

 

Kat, you have made a lot of excellent points in this thread. I agree with many of them. Very well written, very well thought out. YOu made the most sense to me so far.

[katrina1980]

"So this completely harmless picture you posted years ago... it makes me feel like crap."

 

Naw. That's not how you treat people. You own your insecurities and deal with them yourself before using "communication" as an excuse to charge someone else with the responsibility to do so. Or find someone with whom you don't have to resolve it. Either one is fair.

 

And even for the OP's sake, OP admits it'd been brought up multiple times and it was once it was one time too many that the girlfriend essentially and rightfully said to shove it.

 

Good lordy, I would never approach it like that, give me some credit please! And for the umpteenth time, it's not about insecurity for me. It's about my (and his) need for privacy and respect for each other and our relationship.

 

Nor is it about me searching back and finding a years-old photo and feeling like crap about it. Hardly.

 

If you can't understand that, or it doesn't work for you, then that is your prerogative and perfectly OK.

 

In any event, this is how I choose to conduct my relationships, I have found a bf who feels the same, I don't get all these judgments re how I and my bf personally choose to do things.

 

I don't judge how anyone else chooses to do what works for them, I respect everyone's right to conduct their relationships, including what they choose to post or not post on FB, however they choose, whatever works for them and their partner.

[katrina1980]

I foresee a lot of fights in your future Nickle. I think you not putting photos away of her has more to do with not being over her.

You seem very defensive about wanting to keep pics around.

Don't do that to another woman...remain single if you want to keep some kind of connection to your ex via pics.

 

Kat, you have made a lot of excellent points in this thread. I agree with many of them. Very well written, very well thought out. YOu made the most sense to me so far.

 

Thank you Sherry!!! I very much appreciate your saying that.

[SherrySher]

To make it as simple as possible, I don't think it's wrong for someone to not like having their current partner to keep old pics of exs around.

I don't find it a bad thing and I don't think they are "weak" or "insecure".

I feel it's a preference and its what works for them.

 

The other partner can either agree or they can break up over it. Really...it's a form of being incompatible and neither party should feel like they have to change if they don't want to.

 

I'm on the side of not being cool with old pics hanging about.

I don't see the point and yes, I do find it disrespectful. That's MY right and how I wish for MY relationship to go.

I would either have to find a partner who agreed on that point or move on.

 

Not much more to it than that.

[j.man]

Good lordy, I would never approach it like that, give me some credit please! And for the umpteenth time, it's not about insecurity for me. It's about my (and his) need for privacy and respect for each other and our relationship.

 

If you can't understand that, or it doesn't work for you, then that is your prerogative and perfectly OK.

 

In any event, this is how I choose to conduct my relationships, I have found a bf who feels the same, I don't get all these counters to how I personally choose to do things.

 

I don't counter how anyone else chooses to do what works for them, I respect everyone's right to conduct their relationships, including what they choose to post or not post on FB, however they choose, whatever works for them and their partner.

It's because there is no reason-based argument for old pictures on facebook inferring a lack of respect for privacy or the relationship. How does that conversation go?

 

OP: "I feel this picture disrespects our privacy and our relationship?"

GF: "But I do respect our privacy and our relationship."

OP: "I disagree??"

 

Am I disrespecting my marriage and our privacy? Is my wife? No. But that's what you infer justifying your position to someone by invoking these values contrarily to their practice. It's insecurity wrapped up in a bow. In the very best scenario, it's something you arbitrarily just prefer. It's got nothing to do with respect. And that's fair enough. Everyone's got something. Just don't put it on other people. It's not a fair way to treat others. And I don't think it's something that we can responsibly suggest is "reasonable" in a piece of advice. Regardless, I'm glad you found a guy you see eye to eye on the issue with. Two people compatible and happy never hurt me any.

[figureitout23]

So I'm not touching y'alls back and forth..

 

But just to see, remember I don't delete photos, I clicked and counted my tagged photos to see how many it took to get to one of my exes... 48.... I'm not kidding I clicked 48 times... who digs that deep? And I'm assuming most have friends and family on their list so wouldnt they know who your exes were? Anyway, Im ranting...

 

OPer you stated

 

I told her what good does that do if you take them off of your phone but you keep them on Facebook, for everyone to see and, do they wonder what that's about, or am I just crazy???

 

Which to me screams this is about public perception, and insecurity.

 

Im not saying you dont have a right to want her to take them off, as you can see we all have different boundaries, but as Blue eloquently stated, thats something established before feelings develop, unless insecurity triggered this picture hunt, Im going to assume youve always felt this way.

 

But again this to me looks like the mole thats signaling the cancer growing inside, what I mean is I highly doubt this is just about pictures.

 

If this is what you want to end your relationship over it is completely your right, but you cant force her to think as you do, thats unfair, to her and to you. I hope you realize that.

[katrina1980]

To make it as simple as possible, I don't think it's wrong for someone to not like having their current partner to keep old pics of exs around.

I don't find it a bad thing and I don't think they are "weak" or "insecure".

I feel it's a preference and its what works for them.

 

The other partner can either agree or they can break up over it. Really...it's a form of being incompatible and neither party should feel like they have to change if they don't want to.

 

I'm on the side of not being cool with old pics hanging about.

I don't see the point and yes, I do find it disrespectful. That's MY right and how I wish for MY relationship to go.

I would either have to find a partner who agreed on that point or move on.

 

Not much more to it than that.

 

Thank you Sherry.

 

It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. :)

 

Neither I nor my bf even have our FBs activated anymore.

 

It serves no good purpose for us.

[SherrySher]

No one is right or wrong in my opinion. No one is weak or bad...we all are okay with different things in relationships.

 

I'm not into men who keep old pics of their exs hanging around...cool...so I need to find a man who agrees.

 

End of.

[katrina1980]

No one is right or wrong in my opinion. No one is weak or bad...we all are okay with different things in relationships.

 

I'm not into men who keep old pics of their exs hanging around...cool...so I need to find a man who agrees.

 

End of.

 

Period, end of! LOL

[Billie28]

I like things clean. Loose ends just look messy and they can trip you up too. I also don't like being reminded of the past when my present is phenomenal and my future...even better (God willing). I'll make this short and dry: normally people who have reasons to look back, aren't too happy with themselves in the present and are uncertain about their futures.

 

I'd consider this a red flag and I would not date someone who tends to look back or cannot tidy up at the most basic levels. It makes a person look like a slob, to be honest, or not careful about what they think of themselves or how others may be affected around them. Or, they're simply not on my wavelength and that's A-ok too.

 

You should respect her wishes if she chooses to remind herself of her past. Know when a relationship is not the one for you.

 

Unsure rose as to whether you are agreeing with the op or her partner?

[Billie28]

I have never deleted fb pics of exes and if I had to I would have to go through my pics / albums consciously to do so.

I don’t ever look at them and I’m sure the op doesn’t either. They are simply just there!

It’s the op’s partner that has an issue with them and she is the only one actually scrolling through to see them!

Why??? They are not actually there for the world to see , none other of her fb friends are stalking and scrolling back.

Insecurity at the highest level!