Talking about race in a relationship

[sophie274]

I wish I had advice or wisdom to offer on this topic. I suspect I will be dealing with issues of race in some way in my relationship soon, due to children etc, so I’ve been following for any wisdom myself.

 

I wanted to share that four years ago I witnessed an assault: a man beating a woman first with his hands, then a crowbar, dragging her, blood etc ... We called the police three times and they never came. It was absolutely traumatizing for me, and even more so because the episode seemed to reflect (in my opinion) the prevalent sexism in that country. I can still remember it vividly and in fact it was a strong motivator to leave that city and country. So I can absolutely understand why itsallgrand’s partner would have been distraught.

[Billie28]

Just to clarify , I have dated an Aboriginal, I live in a very multi cultural city, I witness racism at my work place ( by a low minority ) despite the country being “proud” of being multi cultural.

 

My opinions expressed do not come from a place of ignorance.

 

Nor do they come from thinking a man needs to be stronger emotionally.

I have a father and brother that shed tears quicker than some of my sisters.

It’s a personality trait rather than a gender thing.

 

Don’t judge a book by its cover , you are all familiar with that term .

Likewise the headline reads “talking about race in a relationship”

So, no I’m not going to judge this book (thread) by its cover (headline)

I read the contents and saw one question only ....

 

“How do you support a partner when it comes to this? “

 

And that is what I responded to.

 

The issue could be about race or something else.

But the question is how to support the partner. So yes it does boil down to psychology basically imo.

 

The topic is delicate absolutely!

And as I said in previous responses , supporting a partner is something one needs to do.

The question is how. Not whether the op should or not.

 

But as Jman basically said, to what extent is the partners responsibility?

 

People seem to take offence at the term “self soothing”

By saying that I’m not saying no don’t hug your partner or offer support, I’m simply saying that staying on the phone to someone until they get home is a little over the top.

 

But I get that the op reacted to being put on the spot. It’s not like she had time to think , so I’m not judging her at all for how she did react.

 

What she is asking now though is how to react in the future. And I can only guess that’s because she is unsure about her reaction and if it’s in his best interest.

[Batya33]

"By saying that I’m not saying no don’t hug your partner or offer support, I’m simply saying that staying on the phone to someone until they get home is a little over the top."

 

Over the top...... for you - why do you think you're entitled to judge that this is over the top in general? We can all agree on certain levels of extremes -yes, if she quit her job and stayed home with him 24/7 so she could hug him in his fetal position, ok - that would not be in his best interests because she is not a mental health professional. Or if she told him "get over it" instead of what she did -sure, same, judgey responses welcome I suppose.

 

I didn't see her suggesting that she should only do what she did, that she was dismissing suggestions that maybe she or he should seek out outside resources to handle these delicate issues - so yes I am so glad you explained/clarified and that judgment you made concerned me.

 

My husband and I just had a conversation yesterday where he realized that something he did triggered me in a way that it wouldn't trigger him based on a phobia I used to have -I still have the heightened sensitivity at times but not what it once was - but he was surprised at my description of how I would react..... because of course he never had that phobia/sensitivity. Now he knows. And of course since I am atypical in that respect I have to own it in the sense of not expecting the world to stop or him to stop everything to cater to me -so I get it about self-soothing.

[katrina1980]

Billie, I totally get what you're saying; I don't necessarily agree staying on phone was "over the top", I wasn't there, but you are certainly entitled to your view on it.

 

That said, itsallgrand did ask for ways to support, I asked you earlier (post 36) how you would have reacted in that situation, how you would have supported, and what you would advise itsallgrand moving forward.

 

For example, would you have listened (in the car) for a bit, but then given excuse to not talk anymore? And allowed him the opp to deal w his emotions himself?

 

When he came home crying, how would you have responded to that?

 

You have voiced your opinions essentially disagreeing w how itsallgrand reacted, and why, which I respect, but still have not answered her question -- how do you support a partner when it comes to this?

 

What advice do you have for her that would be more appropriate in your opinion?

 

I am really interested in your response myself too, if I ever find myself in same situation.

 

I'm fairly certain I would react the way itsallgrand did, but share in the question she is asking, again should I find myself in same or similar situation.

 

Thanks!

[Batya33]

Billie, I totally get what you're saying; I don't necessarily agree staying on phone was "over the top", I wasn't there, but you are certainly entitled to your view on it.

 

That said, itsallgrand did ask for ways to support, I asked you earlier (post 36) how you would have reacted in that situation, how you would have supported, and what you would advise itsallgrand moving forward.

 

For example, would you have listened (in the car) for a bit, but then given excuse to not talk anymore? And allowed him the opp to deal w his emotions himself?

 

When he came home crying, how would you have responded to that?

 

You have voiced your opinions essentially disagreeing w how itsallgrand reacted, and why, which I respect, but still have not answered her question -- how do you support a partner when it comes to this?

 

What advice do you have for her that would be more appropriate in your opinion?

 

I am really interested in your response myself too, if I ever find myself in same situation.

 

I'm fairly certain I would react the way itsallgrand did, but share in the question she is asking, again should I find myself in same or similar situation.

 

Thsnks!

 

He is entitled to his view on it. My issue is he made it as a general statement rather than "it would have been over the top for me"

[katrina1980]

He is entitled to his view on it. My issue is he made it as a general statement rather than "it would have been over the top for me"

 

True but we all do that, I often fail to add "in my opinion" or "for me," we all do, but when posting on a forum like this, it's with the understanding that our responses are our own views/opinions.

 

That's how I understand them anyway.

 

Just my opinion!!

[Batya33]

True but we all do that, I often fail to add "in my opinion" or "for me," we all do, but when posting on a forum like this, it's with the understanding that our responses are own own views/opinions.

 

That's how I understand them anyway.

 

Just my opinion!!

 

I did not understand his that way particularly given his previous comments -and thanks , I get that too!

[katrina1980]

Bat, you've been referring to Billie as "he," I always thought Billie is female, I could be wrong. :)

 

In any event, I hope she/he responds to my post! Really interested in her answer.

[Batya33]

Bat, you've been referring to Billie as "he," I always thought Billie is female, I could be wrong. :)

 

In any event, I hope she/he responds to my post! Really interested in her answer.

 

Sorry Billie!

[katrina1980]

I could be wrong Bat, it's just what I always thought and why I posed those questions to her, asking how she would have reacted in same sit.

[Rose Mosse]

I understand better now where the different thoughts coming from. Thanks to everyone who's taken the time to explain. I think it's very fair prefacing our experiences. I'm learning a lot reading on the forums so can appreciate the thoughts and opinions. I reread and thought about the question again and can see how different interpretations can be made - on the relationship level. I think personally I was looking forward to engaging in a deeper conversation about racial issues but realize that this may not be the correct forum at all for obvious reasons. I'd be better engaging on those topics perhaps on a forum emphasizing more on culture with a stronger racial context (racial dialogues). This is totally not the correct place for this so I think I'm recognizing this is not at the level of discussion I was hoping to see with this thread and that's fine.

[Billie28]

Hi Billie, I always respect your opinions, you often provide lots of valuable insight, gets my brain thinking as it is now, so wondering what would you have done if you found yourself in itsallgrand's situation?

 

How would you have reacted to him calling you, upset about what he had just witnessed?

 

And upon returning home, turning to you, his gf/fiancé, for comfort and support.

 

Would you have comforted him, listening, holding him as itsallgrand did?

 

Or encouraged him to learn how to self soothe better?

 

I am not being flip, I promise!

 

I am genuinely curious how you would have reacted and what advice you have for itsallgrand moving forward. :)

 

Hi Katrina!

 

First up I’d like to say that I am absolutely not judging the op on how she reacted given that it was on the spur of the moment , no prior warning , even a text 10 mins earlier .

 

And when I said I thought staying on the phone etc was over the top , I’m saying that obviously in hindsight. The OP can’t change that. But her question was not what should I have done but more what should I do in the future in a similar circumstance.

 

Personally I wouldn’t want anyone to drive if they were as upset as the op’s bf seemed to be.

Even with hands free ability to chat while driving , I still think it’s a distraction.

I’d rather that person pull up somewhere safe and chat until he feels calmer and then say we will chat when you get home.

 

And when he gets home , yes hug and comfort but also reassure him that while he felt helpless in that scenario that in fact he wasn’t completely helpless or that he didn’t help. Him and others intercepted something that could have been so much worse had they not. And getting police involved was helpful to the female.

 

This assault seems more of a domestic violence one rather than racial , but it triggered him from a racial point of view , whereas others might have been triggered by a domestic violence point of view.

 

And if he really wants to make a difference he can , these things happen more often than he is aware or witnesses and I would encourage him at that time to either seek a professional to chat with and/or seek an online suppprt group within his own race.

 

So, I wouldn’t simply say what she did was fine or to say keep doing what you are doing, I’d rather figure out ways as to how to prevent a reoccurrence, of course we can’t prevent him witnessing another event but there are techniques he can use to control his reactions , yes that includes self soothing , the ability to self reason etc IF he witnessed something similar again . Because who knows , next time his partner might be away for the day or not accessible by phone. And what then?

 

Btw, yes I am female.

And I don’t think it’s always necessary to say “in my opinion” , surely the default assumption is that what I write is actually my opinion? Isn’t it?

But for the record all the above is in my opinion.