am i doing the right thing

[bluecastle]

Please read and reread what both Katrina and Wiseman are saying.

 

This guy, plain and simple, is no good for dating right now. He is repeatedly communicating this to you in his actions, and your spirit is communicating it to you in the way you feel: edgy, insecure, unhappy, confused.

 

You have all the information you need right now to know that it's time to say goodbye, for good, forever.

 

Doesn't matter that his friend killed himself, that another is in the hospital. Sad for him, yeah. But that's his life, not yours, and he's showing you that he is incapable of handling that in a way that does not cause you hurt. He's not your husband or even your boyfriend. You have only a tiny bit of history with him that was positive. There is, right now, zero incentive to invest in him. The thing you thought this could be—a fun person to date, maybe someone to get serious about—is no longer a reality.

 

You're going through some stuff too. You're not treating him poorly because of it, not lashing out at him or others. Remember that, and use that as proof that hard times are no excuse for anyone to treat someone poorly. And use it as a reminder of what's most important here: your health, physical and mental. Both of those should be your priority—right now and always—and you should not involve yourself with anyone who impedes your heath in any way.

[katrina1980]

 

I then got a fit or rage and upset

 

 

Please listen to what your own emotions are telling you here^^.

 

I can sense the difference in your posts -- the anger, the "crazy" -- from your initial posts till now.

 

I realize you want to be supportive, but you don't continue trying to "make nice" with a man who is this mentally/emotionally cruel, especially given he knows you are struggling with your own issues too.

 

I don't say this to hurt you, in fact the opposite, to help you, but that is called having a "martyr complex" or worse a doormat.

 

It's about having self-respect michkath and learning to take care of you and your needs too.

 

You said earlier you tend to put others' feelings and needs before your own.

 

Please stop doing that, it's not healthy or even admirable (I'm sorry) -- people respect those who respect and love themselves first, then they give love to others, not the other way around.

 

Take care of you michkath, let him deal w his own s*** of which he apparently has tons, and not your problem to deal with.

 

This is not mean, it's healthy and smart.

[katrina1980]

 

You don’t think he lied do you

About this whole thing? If so that’s kind of sick :-/

 

 

To answer this question honestly, yes I do think it's quite possible he lied, I sensed it immediately and said so in my first post.

 

Why? He wanted distance or out, and figured it was as good an excuse as any. His actions now are certainly reflective of that.

 

Some people use a death in the family, nothing is sacred when they need distance or out. I've seen it many times.

 

Yes it's VERY sick, but also reality unfortunately.

 

Please just block him for your sanity and health.

[michkath]

I

Agree I don’t think the boy is very well

IF say the stories are true with what happened to his friends

Perhaps he needs to seek professional help regarding that

 

I haven’t reached out to him anymore as I got the blame of ‘ you wasn’t there for me and you blocked me ‘

I sent several text messages asking how he was and how his mate was in hospital and they were left on read so that’s completely bollox

 

He then reached out to me last night & said

He was upset that he thought I thought I was seeing someone else

I said the reason why I said that was because you was ghosting me & you’re completely different towards me the last week or so. Usually you’re so bubbly & everything was going really well so I was concerned about your welfare and also had thoughts in my mind.

He left that message on read last night

But sent me a message on Snapchat saying ‘ you look completely stunning ‘

 

 

I haven’t a clue what this guy is on about I really don’t and I do hope he seeks help with the loss of his friend & the other in hospital

 

But I don’t like that his turned everything round on me all Iv done is try care and i have my own health issues to deal with and I wouldn’t dream of pushing people out if anything I’d want them to be there for me.

 

Don’t worry I’m not reaching out to him. I have done my part.

 

X x x

[michkath]

This is extremely bugging me

 

Why does the guy keep snapchatting me :-/

 

Yet doesn’t respond to any of my texts

( I haven’t reached out to him anymore it’s been a few days when he ecused me of not caring iv distanced myself away as he ignored my messages just pointless )

 

But why is he doing that :-/

It’s such weird behaviour?

[bluecastle]

It's not weird. It's just basic and boring, frankly, and if you can see that you'll see it's just not worth getting in a knot about.

 

He Snaps with you because, for reasons way too boring to try to unravel, that's the beginning and end of his comfort zone, as "intimate" as he can get. Surface stuff, shallow stuff, like the dude who will flirt in the hallway but won't ever ask out the girl. Even a text message, for instance, is too "heavy" for him, too "real," which is to say anything face-to-face will basically break him.

 

That's just where he is right now. Where you are? Far above this nonsense, so no need to dip down into it. Block him, if you must, or just ignore it.

[katrina1980]

Imo, he snaps you because he can. Because he knows it "gets" to you which it has.

 

It's a total mind f***.

 

Whether it's intentional or not, hard to say but suffice it to say the man is an emotional mess, has issues deeper than any of us are qualified to understsnd or advise you on.

 

May I ask why you have not blocked him?

 

Are you hoping he miraculously comes to his senses, apologizes and wants to pick up where you left off?

 

I see no other reason why you have not blocked him, or arranged for his messages to be sent to your trash.

 

This is on you now michkath.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. He seems to fall into the category of "time wasters". Decide to redirect your focus on those worth your time and energy.

 

Why does the guy keep snapchatting me :-/ . Yet doesn’t respond to any of my texts

[purplepaisley]

This guy likes the IDEA of a relationship, but does not have the capacity to actually DO it or have one. He'll stick with flirts on snapchat or quips here and there, but to have a conversation, even text message, is way too much. There will always be some crisis going on that prevents actually dating, and we question how much of these issues are real or not.

 

There's way too much anxiety over something that barely had a chance to happen, and I think your best choice is to block him or boot him off of your social media or both. He's really not worth your time and energy. There are so many things in life that are out of our control. Don't purposefully invite something in that promotes insecurity and bad feelings. Throw this one back into the pond, OP.

[michkath]

Reason I haven’t blocked him

Because what if his telling the truth about his two mates what if it was true

The crying on the phone to me then after that his gone completely distant on me

And I’d look like a complete cow doing that to someone.

I’d feel so awful blocking someone if they are going through a rough time.

He also accused me of blocking him which I never ever done.

 

I’m not reaching out to him at all Iv not heard from him in a few days

He snapchats me which is weird and really bugging me that he does that.

I open his Snapchats

And then I just clear the message and I pretend it’s not even there.

 

Iv gone back to dating apps as like you say I need to move on for my own sanity and my health.

 

I was just wondering why he’ll he snaps me but doesn’t text.

 

And I’m sure you’ll know why I haven’t blocked him

I’d feel just awful doing that.

[Sportster2005]

I couldn't agree more with purplepaisly.

 

It's tragic what has happened to him, but it's not a license to treat you like crap.

 

Sometimes in life you HAVE to be selfish. Don't worry how people will view you, and don't put his well being ahead of yours. Your martyrdom won't be appreciated by him, if he even notices it.

[michkath]

Abit of an update -

I see him over the weekend.

He apologised

As I said you didn’t have to talk to me like crap

And he said work , 2 of his mates ect have really got to him and he needed some space

His been texting me etc and I have also given him space to.

So I’m glad I didn’t block him otherwise I’d feel awful I had.

[Sportster2005]

Abit of an update -

I see him over the weekend.

He apologised

As I said you didn’t have to talk to me like crap

And he said work , 2 of his mates ect have really got to him and he needed some space

His been texting me etc and I have also given him space to.

So I’m glad I didn’t block him otherwise I’d feel awful I had.

 

Was his apology unsolicited?

[michkath]

Was his apology unsolicited?

 

 

I didn’t ask for an apology or anything

I just said there was no need to take it out on me or any of your loved ones

As apparently he said he ignored another group of friends as he was having a hard time

He did seem very tired & stressed when I see him.

 

It wasn’t right for me to block him.

If someone is having a hard time why block someone.

I always give people the benefit of the doubt.

[michkath]

Iv noticed he hasn’t been on social media this week.

I text him on Tuesday and he text me back saying he was pissed off with work & all trains were delayed & sent me a pic on snap of all the issues at the station. His started a new job the same time aswell with all that bad news came on.

 

I haven’t heard from him since Iv left him to it.

 

But I have reached out to him today asking how he is. And when will I be seeing him next.

 

I haven’t hassled him too much as I don’t wanna look like a beg and also cause any form of upset.

 

I just hope this doesn’t effect us dating. And i hope I’m not wasting my time.

 

X

[bluecastle]

I just hope this doesn’t effect us dating. And i hope I’m not wasting my time.

 

But this all has affected you dating, no? Because you haven't really been dating for the past month.

 

At this point you're coming pretty close to the period of uncertainty and poor treatment eclipsing the period when things were going well, smooth, and progressing with excitement.

 

Whether or not you're wasting your time is your choice to make.

[michkath]

He said to me once

‘ you don’t really call me and it would be nice if you just called ‘

 

Thing is with that I did

Try calling him a few times to see how he was and his reply was ‘ sorry I was busy ‘

 

 

I don’t want to become ‘ annoying ‘ and like one those clingy girls

 

I really don’t know what to do in terms of that really :-/

 

So for instance we’ve not spoke since Tuesday

I gave him space I text him earlier today and I got no response :-/

 

Like I can’t win with anything I do

😣🤦🏻♀️🤷🏼♀️

[bluecastle]

But you can win!

 

You just have to change what the idea of "winning" means. In this case, it might mean accepting that he is incapable of treating you in any way that makes you want to date him.

 

Because honestly? I don't really get the appeal at this point. You had a few good weeks, and things turned south when life tossed him around. So you've now had a few good weeks and few lousy weeks during the part of romance that should be basically 99 percent good.

 

He's been through some stuff, I get it. But know what? So have you. Humans go through stuff, and we actually learn a lot about them based on how they handle it. What he is showing you is not how all people would react under the circumstances he's under; but it's how he's reacting, and it's not very appealing.

 

Early on people gave simple advice: give him some space. I think that's often misinterpreted a bit. It doesn't mean you bite your tongue and sit on pins and needles out of fear of being "one of those clingy girls." It means letting go a bit, pressing pause on the emotional investment, and seeing if he comes around as the smoke clears.

 

It's a great skill, that, being able to ease the reigns—not in texts, but in your actual head and heart. It sounds like you've remained as invested in him as ever, which is just spinning you around. That's already a loss, you know?

 

The win is not dating, having a boyfriend, or any of that. The win is feeling centered, feeling like you. When you meet someone who can appreciate that—bonus points. When you meet someone who can't—onto the next game. When you meet someone who seemed promising but turned out to be less than great—a moment of mourning, a little sting, and then onward.

[Wiseman2]

Because you take the bait every time he puts you in these no-win situations. It's a way for him to dump anger and "win" whatever nonsense is in his head.. Listen, why do for free what he should pay someone $250/hr to do. Let him talk to a shrink.

 

Do not listen to his problems in a one-sided manner where he just bites your ear off with his self-pitying anger dumping. Stop asking him 'how he is" stop appeasing his lame complaints. If he's a misanthrope, that's his problem.

Like I can’t win with anything I do

[michkath]

To put a stupid spanner in the works

 

I text him saying no problem good luck with your big client he never replied left him to it

 

He went out last night & posted a picture of him with two girls

 

I see it and wrote back ‘ I see the two girls you was with last night nice one 😂👍 ‘

 

And he wrote back it’s my mates GF and his sister

And he then went you’ve really made me angry

 

I said you don’t reply to me anymore and then post that :-/ can you blame me and be in my shoes for a moment

 

And he said you’re accusing me of now!

 

I said I never accused you of anything when did I ever accuse you of something

 

He then wrote ‘ nice one insinuates I’m doing something ‘

 

Lmfao Iv never heard anything so crackers in my life!

 

I said you’re not really that into me are you and he said accusing me of stuff makes me angry

 

Again I never accused him of anything!

 

The last message I sent he just left me on read

His extremely angry so Iv left him to it and I’m upset as my friend red it and said his making out to be the victim here and that’s not on

[bluecastle]

You keep saying you've "left him," that you're "leaving him alone." But honestly? You're not.

 

You're sad and disappointed and hurt that things didn't keep going well—understandable. That's human, that's dating. Generally speaking that's when you move on.

 

You're moving in. Rather than just accept what's been clear as day for a good while now—in a word, that this guy sucks—you're choosing to obsesses, to stay open to and engaged with his suckiness, to take the tiniest of crumbs and call it a feast while just feeling more starving with every engagement.

 

Look, you got exactly what you wanted with that text. You pissed him off, got him annoyed, showing some emotion. And you got to yell at him a bit. Probably some part of you hoped he'd be, I don't know, calm and rational and say something like, "Oh, hey you! No, that's just my mate's gf. But I'm sorry for how I've been and I just can't stop thinking about you. Why don't you come and meet us?"

 

Not going to happen. Not going to happen because (1) he sucks and (2) because no one on the planet is going to respond well to passive aggressive hostility.

 

You're kind of treating him like he's been your boyfriend and you guys are in a "rough patch." But he's just a guy you barely know, who you dated for a few weeks, and who turned out to be a bit of an a$$. Now, to "communicate" with him, you're turning yourself into an a$$.

 

This is how toxic relationships form. Healthy relationships form by running from toxicity.

 

That's the win here, you see?

[michkath]

You have no right to call me an ass! You’ve been pressed to the ignore list so your posts can’t be seen by me now!

Wow some people!

[katrina1980]

My god michkath, you just keep opening yourself up to more and more bull crap!

 

I mean absolutely no disrespect, I've made big mistakes too, but you really need to learn some boundaries girl, and find some self-respect, seriously.

 

This is on you now, sorry.

 

After the utterly deplorable way he treated you, and still treating you, why do you continue engaging with him?

 

Texting him, negatively reacting when he doesn't reply back, stalking his FB, then shooting off a reactionary message to some pics?

 

I don't get it. Why do you choose to continue with this nonsense?

 

This isn't you "being nice" - there is something deeper and much more insidious going on, and I think it would be smart for you to take some time, look within, and explore what that is.

 

Again I'm very sorry, good luck.

[katrina1980]

You have no right to call me an ass! You’ve been pressed to the ignore list so your posts can’t be seen by me now!

Wow some people!

 

That's a shame, as bluecastle is one of the wisest, most insightful, respectful and respected posters on this forum.

 

Many people, including myself, have learned a ton from his posts.

 

It's a shame you didn't and instead chose to spin a negative from one tiny comment that was clearly taken out of context, imo.

 

Your choice of course, I hope you change your mind though.

[maew]

OP you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of having to placate this guy if you choose to continue pursuing him... and make no mistake that’s exactly what is happening here. He is acting like a jerk and you are following him around like a puppy hoping for some affection. He isn’t going to suddenly start treating you better as you have already shown him you will accept his $hitty treatment of you. This is your prerogative of course, just be prepared for what’s coming.