samloverzpie Posted April 25, 2019 Share Posted April 25, 2019 Sorry in advance if this is long. But i feel like there is so much history to understand how i am where i am now. I have no idea how to fix myself and i feel like at any moment i'm going to snap. I am a survivor of emotional abuse from my parents. I lived at home for 23 years and was told i was failure, I was useless, I was stupid, I was fat. I was given impossible tasks to complete, or would complete tasks only to have them ruined and be forced to do them again (There would be days i would clean the kitchen 2 or 3 times because in the 15 minutes since i finished my mom would come in, destroy it, and then i would have to clean it again and be "grounded" for weeks) From this, I take thins very personally and view a lot of what is "Normal" as a personal attack and personal insult. I don't know how to undo this. It is affecting my life with my husband (who is amazing and very loving and supportive) and work (but in all fairness, my job is toxic and I'll get to that) I work an office job as a contract administrator (sounds way more impressive than it really is) but i work with a ton of men who like to ignore me or remind that i am a dumb woman. I am always getting more and more work to do (more than the other ladies in the office. Winter we usually sit and find things to do we are so dead, but this past season i was singled out and given more tasks to do than anyone in the office.) If i try to pass work off, i am screamed at because that is not what i am paid for. At the same time, i am CONSTANTLY called up to the owner's office to help him with technology problems. I am not tech savvy in the slightest (i am 26 and can't even work snap chat and barely understand Instagram, let alone Excel or the programs they run) If i don't know something i am yelled at for not knowing. However i know a good deal about Power Point (thank you high school presentations) so i guess that makes me a computer expert. despite having another girl who is actually a computer expert. she is never called for problems. only me. I am yelled at almost daily for not knowing something. When i point out things that aren't working, i am ignored and told to go away, but once these problems start affecting my boss's work, I am screamed at for not telling him, and for trying to trouble shoot on my own to make my job function. I am yelled at by my boss for things that are 100% out of my control. For example, I have to book hotel rooms for our construction guys. Not only is this time consuming, but it is extremely tedious because the guys don't understand why i cant get rooms for 20 dollars a night at places that also serve free breakfast. These are also the same guys that ignore cancellation policies, so we get charged for unused rooms. Well I am the one who gets the confirmations and cancellations and has the displeasure of giving them to my boss. Once the guys check in, I have no control over what is used and what is cancelled. But, because i am the messenger, I am the one who gets screamed at. Yes. Screamed. the management likes to solve problems by screaming at their employees. Instead of yelling at the guys in the field who i make sure to tell the cancellation policy to and they blatantly ignore, i am the one who gets yelled at and gets to "fix" any problems. The project managers, although some of them are really nice, are so difficult to work with. I feel like i am constantly put down with snide comments or the reminder that i am wrong. today i was in the middle of something else and one of them comes to my desk to ask for something. I say give me a minute, let me finishing what i'm working on. I print my document and he says "Um. I only need the first page, but ok." to which i reply "Well, this is for another project." i go to set it in my pile of other paperwork for said project and he grabs it from me, looks at it and goes "This isn't what i wanted. This is the wrong project." He is also the same person who every time i need to write something up for him explains to me how to do my job. I have been doing this for 2 years. I had one of the guys yesterday ask "Who writes the subcontracts?" again. I have been doing this for 2 years. My out is i am quitting in 73 work days (who's counting?) to go back to school full time for Dental Hygiene. I was accepted early into my program, which makes me feel really proud of myself because it is a very small and selective program, and i not only got in, but i got in 2 months before acceptance letters went out. The funny thing is i feel like despite that accomplishment, i am told through my perverted view of social interactions and subtle and not so subtle reminders (answering phones i have actually had men tell me they need to speak to a man because i am not educated enough to make decisions) that i am just a stupid woman and what i do in life does not matter because it's always wrong. I am always wrong. I have started to binge eat food and have gained 30+ pounds since working in the office from solving my problems with food. I am so stressed out at work and panic when i go in. I don't sleep (i have problems falling asleep and staying asleep. I have nightmares every night) my hair is falling out, my nails are breaking. I am sweating through my deodorant. I apply a clinical strength before bed, and in the morning, and apply a normal one up to 3 more times a day. I know i have an out, and i am quitting a week early to have a week to myself to "recover mentally" before school starts. but i feel like i am losing my mind. I hate myself. I am so bitter. I am so nasty. I don't even remember what i like to do because i spend so much time being told i am nothing. I feel like i am back in my parents house, where i have unrealistic standards to live up to and i am drowning in failure. It is affecting my relationships. I interpret everything in the most backwards ways...i just want to be normal. I want to tolerate my job. i want to love my friends and not think they all secretly hate me when i make a joke and noone laughs. I keep everyone pushed away because i don't want to be needy and i don't want them to see how ugly and screwed up my head is. I am pushing my husband away because i feel ugly and feel like i trapped him in a marriage with someone who is so mentally ill he would run if he knew how screwed up my thoughts were. I am also seeing a therapist. I have seen her since i was 16 in high school, and she was there when a lot of the abuse was at its worst. I started going back to her about 8 months ago when i realized i was putting myself down a lot and trying for unrealistic standards. I was doing pretty good, but as work got harder and more stressful, i feel like a lot of the progress i have made has been undone and some. i am trying to get this across but i feel like at this point, a lot of the trouble i complain about are brushed off and i feel a lot of the time i am complaining about first world basic white girl problems...which makes me feel even dumber for complaining. some guys said some mean things to me at my job oh boo hooo....but to me...its soul crushing. I have gotten to a point where i teeter between wanting to throw up food so i have some type of control (since i have no control over anything else, including how and what i eat) and just ending it. I dont because i think if i end it now, i will never get to school. I will never have a family. I will never get to see the world with my husband. i also know his is just temporary...but none the less i feel like i am trapped, and suffocating and like i am so alone. I just want to be normal. Edit: I would also say this is a request for help on how to undo years of abuse, and also for attention. I definitely think i was so deprived of attention of any kind that i crave the attention. it's sick and stupid and i hate it. Link to comment
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