Broke up with my girl last week

[Editionml3]

Okay, so you two were together for 3 months. What exactly went on that caused you to say things to her that you didn't mean?

What I mean is, that's obviously such a short time together, how did it get to be tumultuous so quickly?

 

Usually the 3 month mark couples are still in the "honeymoon" stage and aren't fighting at all.

Ya I know what you mean she texted me non stop and was super clingy on me. i was kind of in a bad mood. We would usually text all day everyday like literally all day and all night so she got used to the idea but I was kind of down because of my daughter situation so I was barely responding. I guess to her she thought I was coming off rude to her. This happened a few times but I was just in my mood had nothing to do with her but the lack of responses from me had her thinking I was being mean and stuff so that's why she got mad back then I kept calling to try to explain to her that I'm not mad at her.

 

Throughout my time knowing her I would always have to let her know that I am not mad or I'm not upset. She would think that and assume she did something wrong. I was always making her feel better and letting her know she did nothing wrong.

 

It wasnt tumultuous it was literally one incident of me getting upset. I stated earlier everything before that was perfect. She has her inner demons from her past relationship that carried on to this one.

[Editionml3]

That's not your job. People get together to share their lives, to enhance one another's lives, you don't "fix" one another.

If that person is having problems or struggling in life, they need to see a therapist. You can be supportive, but that's not the same as trying to fix someone, which by the way you're not trained to do and it makes it a very weird dynamic to think that you need to fix them or save them.

 

I understand to a certain degree, it's the white knight syndrome and you want to be the "man" for your girlfriend and maybe even possibly your women friends.

But it's not how it should be.

You can be supportive, you can be a listening ear, you can even give advice, but at the end of the day, if they are struggling, they will need a therapist to help them get past their worst issues.

 

Also, when you get yourself into that dynamic, this is exactly what the problem can be. You start to feel attached to them but not in the romantic sense, per se, but rather in the sense of feeling responsible for their happiness, responsible for helping them.

You feel empathy and you feel needed.

Those feelings can feel very strong and confuse you as to how you actually feel about that person.

Then it's no longer about love and romance, but rather about victim and savior.

 

It should never become confusing or dysfunctional like that.

 

If you meet someone, friend or otherwise, and they are having problems, again, you cannot fix them. You are not responsible for them or for their happiness. Nor should you want it to become like that.

Your job as a friend or boyfriend, would be to direct them to get professional help.

Thank you Sherry for that. I understand I shouldn't have used the word fix. I apologise. I will be there for her and I will help as much as I can. I just feel bad that I let her down if you can understand what I mean. I wish I never got upset. I will make things right. Are you a therapist or in counseling. I like the way you explain yourself. That's exactly what I was confused about. If it was love love or victim rescuer. I felt like I was responsible for her happiness. She should be the one responsible for that. I can only be there for her in the end which I will always. Remember we were good friends first. We were best friends actually to be honest so this is my reason for me feeling so stupid. I dislike making women hurt especially if they are already hurting.

[SherrySher]

And my anger is the only issue

 

That's actually a fairly big issue and could cause a lot of problems in your life. Don't dismiss that.

I know you might think this is OTT but have you ever considered going to anger management classes? Honestly, it can be very helpful and it's no different than any other self improvement classes.

I was barely responding

 

Communication is a huge factor in a relationship. It can make or break a relationship. You needn't have talked right then if you didn't want to, but you really should have took the time to let her know that you're not feeling like talking due to a bad mood that had nothing at all to do with her.

Reassure her that she doesn't need to worry and that you will get a hold of her when you are feeling better.

 

Her texting non stop is also not a great start. She was obviously lonely, and got attached far too quickly. More than likely had/has a lot of insecurity issues. But again, these are things she needs to work out on her own.

[SherrySher]

Are you a therapist or in counseling.

 

I have had training and I do have a psych degree but I am currently not working as a therapist.

[SherrySher]

What can you do now?

Well, being as she blocked your number, that's a pretty clear cut indication that she does not want to talk.

You need to respect that.

 

I don't know if later on down the line she'll get a hold of you, but if you were best friends before, I would say there is a chance.

 

If she doesn't, you need to come to terms with that. Don't blame yourself. It sounds like you both made mistakes.

All you can do is reflect on things, make improvements within yourself and move forward.

 

As for your anger, for the time being, when you feel anger mounting, take in a deep breath, count to 10, and exhale slowly. Let some of the anger go with the exhale.

Clear your mind and do your best to not let your emotions overtake you and how you respond.

 

If you feel that you are too angry and that the above won't work, walk away. Whether it's to another room, or outside for a walk.

Don't say words that you cannot take back and don't do things that you can't take back.

Walk it out, taking deep breaths in and deep breaths out.

Allow the anger to dissipate and not control you or your reactions and emotions.

But I do still encourage you to consider taking an anger management class.

[Editionml3]

Yes I am going to anger management I never want that side to come out again we would playing call each other hulk and black widow. Cuz I am 6'4 and 220 she was married but divorced. Dam I dislike talking about it because I feel so week. And yes she does have insecurity issues so I'm sure any man to show her attention she will cling too and be needy. I shouldn't have kept talking and responding so quickly all the time.

 

You are right though I should of told her what was going on in the beginning then she would of never felt neglected. I feel so stupid.

 

So when I feel angry I should just put the phone down and breathe alittle and relax first and think before responding. That was my problem I was so use to responding right away she knew my moods as I texted because I was always lovey dovey and as soon as I'm not she'll call me out on it and be like what's wrong. Did I say something.

 

I remember her telling me just stop before you say something you will regret and I still kept going it's like I kept pushing and pushing. I NEED HELP I admit it. I never want to lose someone special like that again. I understand anger is a huge problem I was just saying that everything else was perfect but I know anger is a big no no for a relationship. I am not contacting her and giving her space.

 

I need help I'm broken and want to change this cycle. I'm so passionate when it comes to love just my anger is the thing I need to be the right man.

[SherrySher]

Don't feel stupid, none of us come into this world with a book of instructions or how everything is meant to go.

We learn along the way.

As long as you learnt something and that it will better you,then all is not lost.

 

Yes, pause when you're upset and before you respond. Let your anger settle back down before jumping to reply and say things you don't mean.

 

It's good that you can acknowledge that you need/want help. But again, try not to blame yourself and feel this much guilt.

You both made mistakes, it wasn't all one sided.

 

Learn to control your anger though for your own sake. Self improvement is always a good thing.

[Editionml3]

Sometimes I wish I came with a manual hahaha. But you are a god send thank you so much. I'm not going to even lie to you there was some insecurities on my end too. That's the truth. I was insecure in the way I couldn't fulfil all her needs like be there for her all the time because I moved two hours away. And I know she was lonely without me she would always tell me she wishes I could be there and hold her. Dam I'm tearing up thinking about it. She was my baby I let her down. I let us down. It was like an impulse I couldn't control it I should of put my phone down and re set. If I would of done that everything would of been ok but I kept going and going and going. My feelings are of shame and regrets. I know I will get better and thank you for your help. I just can't get over the fact of how I treated a lady. No man should ever raise their voices no matter what. I will work on myself and my character. I'm sorry for letting all you ladies down. I hope you all can forgive me. I will try with all my might to not let any anger show ever again. This is my word.

[Editionml3]

I'm embarrassed on how I went about things. I am so much better than that she knows it I know it. She's hurt though and that's what hurts me the most is knowing that

[SherrySher]

Try not to completely blame yourself, okay? You are human too. She also pushed buttons with making you feel as though you had to explain yourself.

She also had insecurities she needs to work on.

It's not all you.

 

You also need to realize that although you don't need to lose your temper and say angry things, you are allowed to stand up for yourself when you feel that you are being treated unfairly or being pushed too far.

In those cases, it's best to tell the person, "I can't talk right now, I'm too upset".

 

Once you have settled back down, you are allowed to express what upset or angered you. Don't become a doormat either.

It's all about balance.

 

Your heart is in the right place, you just need to sort out the anger and how you deal with it. But she is not without fault either...don't forget that.

 

Use the feelings you have now, to better yourself, to improve what you know caused problems.

 

But don't continue to use it to beat yourself up.

[Editionml3]

Try not to completely blame yourself, okay? You are human too. She also pushed buttons with making you feel as though you had to explain yourself.

She also had insecurities she needs to work on.

It's not all you.

 

You also need to realize that although you don't need to lose your temper and say angry things, you are allowed to stand up for yourself when you feel that you are being treated unfairly or being pushed too far.

In those cases, it's best to tell the person, "I can't talk right now, I'm too upset".

 

Once you have settled back down, you are allowed to express what upset or angered you. Don't become a doormat either.

It's all about balance.

 

Your heart is in the right place, you just need to sort out the anger and how you deal with it. But she is not without fault either...don't forget that.

 

Use the feelings you have now, to better yourself, to improve what you know caused problems.

 

But don't continue to use it to beat yourself up.

Yes ma'am I will remember this for the future.

[Editionml3]

Any other advice. I'm out here helping others

[BreadStick]

Well,from reading your thread and your comments, where you helped others, I would say you are far too perfectionistic and hard on yourself - you make one mistake and you blame yourself, guilt yourself, put all the weight on your shoulders. You don't need to do that, a relationship needs 2 to work. From what you said, she was looking for a man with no faults, who behaved EXACTLY like what she needed at any moment, otherwise she would be upset or hurt. It is understandable she has issues from an abusive relationship before you, but you were not the one to cause those issues Edition, don't forget that. You can't fix or stop her pain, only she can overcome what was done to her, you can only be there as support. But in no way is it up to you to make her happy or resolve her suffering.

 

You put all this responsibility on yourself: if it works out it is because YOU put in the work, YOU did this, YOU didn't do that, YOU were there, YOU moved away, YOU didn't raise your voice, etc. You must realize that she did a lot of wrong here: putting her happiness on you, bombarding you with messages because she was lonely or anxious (likely stemming from unresolved issues from her past), projecting her previous abuser onto you when you did something wrong, etc. I am sure she is a kind woman, but she is not in a place where she can be a good partner, she is lonely and needs a savior. But, this is unsustainable, because nobody can stop our pain but ourselves. She needs to go to therapy so she can fight her problems. Then she can be a good partner and not freak out each time she has a flash back to her abuser.

 

It is great you are addressing your problems too, kuddos to you for taking the step!

Like Sherry said, since she blocked you for now, you have to respect this. She is used to men disrespecting her boundaries, so don't overstep. Allow her the time she needs. If she reaches out, you can choose to tell her how much you care and how much you want to be there for her. If you have the same friends, do what I did and ask them to keep an eye out for her, to make sure she has support but don't interfere. Her friends will tell her you are thinking about her and want what is best. But you can't force this now, sit back and work on yourself and allow her the time to figure out what she wants.

 

She needs to first separate all men from her abuser, realize not all men are like that, realize you were there for her and made one mistake but were nothing like her ex. Time will let her see that. All you can do is work on your anger for now and get that taken care of.

[Editionml3]

Well,from reading your thread and your comments, where you helped others, I would say you are far too perfectionistic and hard on yourself - you make one mistake and you blame yourself, guilt yourself, put all the weight on your shoulders. You don't need to do that, a relationship needs 2 to work. From what you said, she was looking for a man with no faults, who behaved EXACTLY like what she needed at any moment, otherwise she would be upset or hurt. It is understandable she has issues from an abusive relationship before you, but you were not the one to cause those issues Edition, don't forget that. You can't fix or stop her pain, only she can overcome what was done to her, you can only be there as support. But in no way is it up to you to make her happy or resolve her suffering.

 

You put all this responsibility on yourself: if it works out it is because YOU put in the work, YOU did this, YOU didn't do that, YOU were there, YOU moved away, YOU didn't raise your voice, etc. You must realize that she did a lot of wrong here: putting her happiness on you, bombarding you with messages because she was lonely or anxious (likely stemming from unresolved issues from her past), projecting her previous abuser onto you when you did something wrong, etc. I am sure she is a kind woman, but she is not in a place where she can be a good partner, she is lonely and needs a savior. But, this is unsustainable, because nobody can stop our pain but ourselves. She needs to go to therapy so she can fight her problems. Then she can be a good partner and not freak out each time she has a flash back to her abuser.

 

It is great you are addressing your problems too, kuddos to you for taking the step!

Like Sherry said, since she blocked you for now, you have to respect this. She is used to men disrespecting her boundaries, so don't overstep. Allow her the time she needs. If she reaches out, you can choose to tell her how much you care and how much you want to be there for her. If you have the same friends, do what I did and ask them to keep an eye out for her, to make sure she has support but don't interfere. Her friends will tell her you are thinking about her and want what is best. But you can't force this now, sit back and work on yourself and allow her the time to figure out what she wants.

 

She needs to first separate all men from her abuser, realize not all men are like that, realize you were there for her and made one mistake but were nothing like her ex. Time will let her see that. All you can do is work on your anger for now and get that taken care of.

This is exactly what I needed to hear breadstick. You are the greatest. I am definitely too hard on my self. I'm a nice guy and I loved making her happy it made me feel good inside. She honestly made me have butterflies. I am just hard on myself because I feel I let her down. I was her friend before anything. She confided in me about everything and anything. And now she is mad and hurt at how I acted. I know I have a right to stand up for myself but I am just really regretting how I went about things. She probably thinks my anger is gonna end up like her exes which is not the case. But I can understand where she is coming from. She needs to work on herself. So I'm going to not contact her so she can do that. All I can do is hope she will be okay. And if in the end we come back together than that will be heaven. But if not I will just have to continue my journey. Not for love but for myself.

 

Can I get a Amen?

 

Lol jk. Thanks for your help this was 100%

[BreadStick]

Amen! Hhaha xD

 

Seems like we are similar in that way - trying to be protective of our loved ones, thinking if only we are perfect, strong and impenetrable we can shield them from their pain and they will be happy - heal them with love. Like is is our job, duty to be their knight in shining armor. I know for me, this is due to my past. I was abused a lot so I know how it felt to be powerless and hurt. I never wanted anyone to feel like this, the least of all my loved ones. This is why I grew a thick skin, became a protector of everyone, their shoulder to cry on, the on that never breaks - but it also meant I took more slack from people than I should have. We are not gods, we can't be someone's savior. No matter how good we are to them, no matter how perfect of a partner. So don't blame yourself for the mistakes a human makes :)

 

I know you are hurting, especially so since you feel like you added to her pain, and this was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to heal her pain but now you feel like you added to it, like the others. Truth is, she made it impossible for you to be there for her, like a good partner could be, due to her falling victim to her past's demons. She saw something in you that was not you, but her past. It is not something you can change, and if she doesn't work on it she will see it in every man in the future as well. It is great you are working on yourself, never stop! Give her the gift of time for now, and since you know you made a mistake and are already working on it, it will show you cared a great deal.

 

Sadly, we cannot be partners to those who refuse to see our good but are focused on their fear. It is understandable why she is, she had a lot of suffering behind her. But don't blame yourself for that, you were not the one who made those fears. I also fear all the time, how my ex is doing, if he is okay, if he is taking care of himself, if he is letting his friends know how he is (he only ever really opened up to me, told me things only I know so I worry, he is alone), I want to be there for him because I too, honestly deeply care. I try not to think about it too much, you should try to shift your thoughts when those come up, you'll only feel guilty for being unable to fix something you cannot.

 

Of course, that's what I am here for :)

[Editionml3]

Amen! Hhaha xD

 

Seems like we are similar in that way - trying to be protective of our loved ones, thinking if only we are perfect, strong and impenetrable we can shield them from their pain and they will be happy - heal them with love. Like is is our job, duty to be their knight in shining armor. I know for me, this is due to my past. I was abused a lot so I know how it felt to be powerless and hurt. I never wanted anyone to feel like this, the least of all my loved ones. This is why I grew a thick skin, became a protector of everyone, their shoulder to cry on, the on that never breaks - but it also meant I took more slack from people than I should have. We are not gods, we can't be someone's savior. No matter how good we are to them, no matter how perfect of a partner. So don't blame yourself for the mistakes a human makes :)

 

I know you are hurting, especially so since you feel like you added to her pain, and this was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to heal her pain but now you feel like you added to it, like the others. Truth is, she made it impossible for you to be there for her, like a good partner could be, due to her falling victim to her past's demons. She saw something in you that was not you, but her past. It is not something you can change, and if she doesn't work on it she will see it in every man in the future as well. It is great you are working on yourself, never stop! Give her the gift of time for now, and since you know you made a mistake and are already working on it, it will show you cared a great deal.

 

Sadly, we cannot be partners to those who refuse to see our good but are focused on their fear. It is understandable why she is, she had a lot of suffering behind her. But don't blame yourself for that, you were not the one who made those fears. I also fear all the time, how my ex is doing, if he is okay, if he is taking care of himself, if he is letting his friends know how he is (he only ever really opened up to me, told me things only I know so I worry, he is alone), I want to be there for him because I too, honestly deeply care. I try not to think about it too much, you should try to shift your thoughts when those come up, you'll only feel guilty for being unable to fix something you cannot.

 

Of course, that's what I am here for :)

Your awesome thank you. This girl is such a sweetheart that's why I feel like poo. If I could go back in time id change it all..I would literally give it all away just to retry it again. But I know time will heal

[BreadStick]

Yeah, I feel you.

 

Chin up, you'll get through it! :)

[Editionml3]

Yeah, I feel you.

 

Chin up, you'll get through it! :)

Yes I am good

[rflor]

In all seriousness. Can you please not refer to her as "damaged goods" I don't see her as I item. I see her as a loving human being who has been hurt by the past.

 

Thank you. Just because a woman or man has gone through a rough past doesn’t make them any less. Not everyone handles certain situations the same way and certainly not everyone can just brush off being hurt and going through something that has traumatized them.

 

But yeah I’m sure she does feel betrayed. Why? Well because you might have reminded her of a dark place she was once in. Red flags went off everywhere and she flat out panicked. More than likely afraid to have what she’s gone through in her past repeat itself.

 

But what exactly is it you want to happen in this situation? Do you want to be a couple again? Closure? Just to talk?

[rflor]

 

Throughout my time knowing her I would always have to let her know that I am not mad or I'm not upset. She would think that and assume she did something wrong. I was always making her feel better and letting her know she did nothing wrong.

 

She is reacting in a way she is used to. Maybe in her past relationship she was always blamed, or would constantly have to say sorry for reasons that werent her fault, or she was constantly put to blame for everything....it probably all comes down to what she was used to before with her ex. Needing that reassurance that you’re not mad or thinking your mad over the smallest things is eel to put it bluntly...she was dealing with a huge a**hole prior. You might have said some cruel things to her but you were upset for your own reasons. We all get upset and say things without thinking at times.

 

I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re feeling bad about how things went down because you made her cry, you know her past and what she went through so it’s like you’re automatically putting yourself in the same category as her ex. And I don’t think you’re that type of guy if you’re out here seeking advice and feeling bad.