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BreadStick

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  1. I've been MIA for a while, mostly due to illness but also due to having to think about what my therapist told me maybe a week ago. I promised to give you guys an update on how that session will go so here it is I made an appointment for a therapist in November, when I had to go to the doctor due to panic/anxiety attacks and generally being unable to function properly. He gave me some anti anxiety meds and my session was scheduled for this month ( the waiting list here is quite long). It went both well and not so well. While I applied for a female therapist I somehow got scheduled with a man which I found out while there so I just went with it. He was nice, maybe a bit traditional which rubbed me the wrong way after a while (who is he to tell me I will eventually want kids no matter what?) so I took the session with a grain of salt. Basically, he told me I was fine, that it was normal to grieve this strongly (though he seemed surprised that 6 months after the BU I was still feeling affection for my ex, what can I say, I don't trust easily but when I do, it is a hard attachment to loose),that I don't need any medicine and that I shouldn't dwell on one man so much. While I do agree with that, he seemed to be focused too much on the whole aspect of excusing my ex's actions because in his words: "I am a man, and a therapist and I can tell you, that most men are garbage. We just are. He broke up with you like that because he was a coward, or he wanted to spare you the truth. Would you want to hear that he never loved you? That he was bored and wanted something else?" I found lots of issues with that. Most men are not garbage for one, my ex however is a coward for how he treated me. And yes, I expect to be broken up with face to face, it would be only right due to the length and love in our relationship as well as his supposed respect for me. He just wanted to ghost me and be rid of me for whatever reason without needing to see me cry or how his actions hurt me. I would also prefer to be told why, not just give me a "I just don't feel like I should anymore. We are not like other couples I looked at so it is better this way." does that even mean?? Naturally I am upset and it has demolished my self worth for quite some time. It came out of nowhere, so it is hard for me to trust anyone now, with what they say. How can something like that not leave scars? But my therapist did give me SOME good advice: I am successful and loving and when I am ready, I will see I have a lot of choice of men for my future, so I should not grieve over one man. He also asked me, why would I want him back, since all these months I have suffered many mental and physical scars due to his cowardice, as it would make my suffering pointless. He said, that I have cried so much and now after my pain is lessening, I would want to make it all null and void if I could? I don't know if I want him back or want anything from him anymore. I should hate him but I don't, I want him to be happy, I want him to find what he is looking for. But at the moment, I just want ME to finally be happy and be myself again. I'll remember anything else I will add it, but this was basically it. How is everyone doing?
  2. That is true. I agree with you. Mental health is the responsibility of the individual. Taking care of ourselves which includes working on these issues is also each person's responsibility. I am a big advocate of self care. I have depression and anxiety myself but you wouldn't be able to tell normally because I have learned how to maintain a healthy level. Never would I allow my loved ones to suffer due to things I can prevent or minimize. I would also never expect my partners to cater to my specific needs all the time. However, I do expect them not to force me to social gatherings when I am having an off day for example. But, again, you wouldn't be able to tell I have issues due to my maintenance rutine. We all have some issues, some people just expect a partner to be perfect and never cause issues or have off days. Some people can't deal with any form of mental illness and some can with many, comes down to a person I think. OP needs to fix her issues definitely. She might have expected her SO to cater to her issues which of course caused problems. What I meant with "immaturity" is that he insulted her deeply which was unnecessary and will leave deep scars. That was uncalled for. Hurting someone where it hurts is not a mature trait in my opinion.
  3. That is around the time the real person comes out to play - he might have been fine with your anxiety before, due to the honeymoon phase and hormones in general, maybe you were also showing less of your symptoms. Not everyone can deal well with anxiety, some people get overwhelmed, sometimes the person suffering with it also does not have control over their outbursts. This is not your fault, that you have anxiety, but it is your responsibility to treat it, so it doesn't debilitate your everyday life - it is good he showed his true colors before you got really attached. Before you moved in he did not see how living with an anxious person is, 24/7. Now that he did, he probably realized it was too much, he took your anxiety personally. Regardless, he should have been respectful, just shows he was overwhelmed with it all and is not the type of man you can live with and trust in the long run. You also moved in together really fast. Take the time for yourself and heal, the way he left says all about his maturity. Go get therapy if you are not already in treatment for your anxiety and get help with treating your outbursts. They might be anxiety provoked but they are still not okay, so you need to get that sorted out before it becomes a bigger issue. How did your everyday life look like with him?
  4. What everyone has said before is great advice. But, I'd just like to say that unless you told him that this was a deal breaker and he promised to never do it again, you really have no right to order him how to live his life. If you're going to prohibit him from doing anything you don't like, even if it has nothing to do with you, what are you changing or sacrificing for him? How does this affect your relationship? He'll just not kiss you or be intimate with you if he smoked. Let him know this and he'll decide for himself. You listed A LOT of great qualities he has and the one thing you seem to be so broken over is the box pf cigarettes that might, or might not be his. That might or might not be new. Maybe he bought them a while ago and just stashed them to hide them from himself when he was quitting, or it was his old stash? Maybe he has them for special events? I know female friends who only smoke when they're out with friends, but never alone. Regardless, I'd like to say that if something this small is a deal breaker for you, you're in for a rough ride. I hate smoking myself, hate the smell, hate the smoke that then lingers all around me too. My partners all knew I hated it, I just asked them not to smoke in my face or directly around me. What he does is his decision, unless he promises me to quit and this is a deal breaker. But I am not the type to force my own values on others, I also don't drink but I don't make my partners to stop because I don't like it. I also think you are taking something so little a little bit hard. Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? Has he ever broken an important promise? In 2 years you'd know if he'd been smoking, I agree with the others. That stuff is EVERYWHERE. Maybe it is a box from a previous tenant, maybe one of his friends left it or something. Instead of doubting your whole relationship because of a single box of cigarettes you should maybe talk to him first? I really think that you are exaggerating on a small issue.
  5. Yep. It's normal, no worries. I have absolutely no desire and normally I am very much active. Nothing. So take your time OP, no worries.
  6. This is very true. Please consider this OP. I was broken up via text too, out of the blue, no warnings, after 2 years and 3 months with practically no arguments. You'll see the truth later, when you can see clearly and the mess has died down a bit. But all that aside, this is a very cowardly way to abandon someone, especially a good partner. Take this as a sign of how her character is. She would rather hurt you so badly than face the aftermath of her decisions. It's her problem in the long run. Clio gave a lot of very good advice, please consider it all.
  7. I would also like to add to this, that you will rarely get the whole truth from your ex. They might lie or avoid the whole truth for various reasons. Maybe they're ashamed, maybe they don't want to hurt you, or what ever else reason they might have. You will never know the whole 100% truth, or better said, rarely. You will have to accept, that her leaving you is all the closure you might get. If it helps, and it helped me, pick a story, a reason that will help you move on and take that as the truth. If she wasn't forthcoming, you have the freedom to construct your own truth that will empower you to move on.
  8. What do you mean with "if I had some balls or would know how -"?
  9. I found out you have been with a new girl since November. How dare you treat me like this, dump me like I meant nothing and 1 month later, you already fool around with another woman while I cry and suffer, worry about your mental health and hope you are doing fine?! I am sure now you left me because you were after her. How dare you lie to me, the only one who was there for you, listened to your problems, supported you and cheered you on?! Who comforted you when you were sad, held you when you were scared, tried to help you men your relationships! Who went to your appointments with you?! I really did love you, this is not just a word to me! It meant something! You don't deserve me, you don't deserve a loyal woman like me who devotes herself to being kind and loving to her partner. You sullied my most sacred beliefs, destroyed the happy person I was, the hopeful and kind soul I had is gone! I have never been betrayed like this before, and believe me, I have been ed over a lot. My life has always been a struggle, it has always been filled with pain and you knew it, and yet you used me! Why did you lie to me!? I was sad and could barely get out of bed while you were already sleeping with her! I am so stupid, thinking I was special. You gave me false hope, shattered my heart to pieces, lied to me and walked all over me while I was defending you, loving you and thinking, I found the man who I would be with; that I found my happy ending. That I finally got lucky. I was sad, yes, but now I'm pissed. Heard she doesn't treat you well. Good. You deserve it. While I hope you find happiness, I do, I don't think you deserve it at this moment. I want you to feel the hopelessness I felt when you broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I gave you things I gave nobody before you, I ... told you things nobody else knows, about my past, about my abuse and you spit in my face. A relationship born from such pain can never be healthy, can never work out! I hope this haunts you for a good while. I hope you find out some other man saw what you didn't and regretted it for the rest of your life, knowing you left someone who would have loved you till the end, would have been kind and loving and would have been good to your family and your friends, like I have been before! They all still love me, they even defended me. What does that say about you? That man will be braver than you will ever be, he will be better than you, he will tell me he loves me and he will show it. One day, I will be grateful you ed me over so badly because I will be with someone who deserves a loyal woman like myself. It will take a while, to get myself together, to start believing love is real again but I won't let you destroy the future I always wanted. I threw out the dried flowers I kept from you. I don't want to see them. I threw out the necklace you gave me for my birthday. I don't ever want to touch that meaningless again, that made me believe I was something special in your life. I don't ever want to be blinded by my love again! You made me do this! YOU DID THIS! Don't you ever dare forget it. We could have had it all and now all you will have is just another fling with this woman before she screws you over like all others before her. All I will be now is a regret you will feel for the rest of your life! Hope you are happy. I wish I never met you. I wish I never wasted 2 years of my life on you. I wish I never told you I loved you! I wish I never wasted all that money on you, to see you, to find meaningful gifts! To take you to diners because I wanted you to know how much I valued you! I wish our parents never met! Now they are involved and suffering too. How could you do this to me... I thought you respected me... at least cared enough not to break me... I trusted you and you treated me worse than those women who abused you, cheated on you and controlled you. Made me believe I was worthless and ugly, like I was never good enough. Guess who isn't good enough? YOU! Good bye, it is your loss in the end, not mine. You lost someone special, all I lost was a lying, cowardly man who couldn't treat me right if it hit him in the face.
  10. My ex friend used to lie to me all the time, bad mouth me behind my back, abuse people close to her and then acusse them of being mean to her. She did this for years before I found out. When I told her to get lost, she threatened to kill herself because all her friends were starting to leave her due to her abusive nature. I didn't forgive her. It's been about 5 years. Guess what? She's alive and has new friends every year, still lies and does the same stuff. Don't ever let other people guilt trip ypu into anything by threatening suicide. That is very abusive. Block him, avoid him and don't let this toxicity in your life. It will only get worse if you do. You don't owe him anything.
  11. Yeah, I feel you. Chin up, you'll get through it! :)
  12. Amen! Hhaha xD Seems like we are similar in that way - trying to be protective of our loved ones, thinking if only we are perfect, strong and impenetrable we can shield them from their pain and they will be happy - heal them with love. Like is is our job, duty to be their knight in shining armor. I know for me, this is due to my past. I was abused a lot so I know how it felt to be powerless and hurt. I never wanted anyone to feel like this, the least of all my loved ones. This is why I grew a thick skin, became a protector of everyone, their shoulder to cry on, the on that never breaks - but it also meant I took more slack from people than I should have. We are not gods, we can't be someone's savior. No matter how good we are to them, no matter how perfect of a partner. So don't blame yourself for the mistakes a human makes :) I know you are hurting, especially so since you feel like you added to her pain, and this was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to heal her pain but now you feel like you added to it, like the others. Truth is, she made it impossible for you to be there for her, like a good partner could be, due to her falling victim to her past's demons. She saw something in you that was not you, but her past. It is not something you can change, and if she doesn't work on it she will see it in every man in the future as well. It is great you are working on yourself, never stop! Give her the gift of time for now, and since you know you made a mistake and are already working on it, it will show you cared a great deal. Sadly, we cannot be partners to those who refuse to see our good but are focused on their fear. It is understandable why she is, she had a lot of suffering behind her. But don't blame yourself for that, you were not the one who made those fears. I also fear all the time, how my ex is doing, if he is okay, if he is taking care of himself, if he is letting his friends know how he is (he only ever really opened up to me, told me things only I know so I worry, he is alone), I want to be there for him because I too, honestly deeply care. I try not to think about it too much, you should try to shift your thoughts when those come up, you'll only feel guilty for being unable to fix something you cannot. Of course, that's what I am here for :)
  13. Yes, but he did not specify how often he mentioned it. So naturally, the sound advice would be to try again one more time to make sure she understands the severity of the situation before more drastic measures are to be taken. Once such a drastic step has been taken, to bring the documents already on the table, a lot of options of a "calm" reconciliation are off the table, at least for a while. I think he should go to the lawyer yes, but when he does so, the process has been initiated and can't just be laid aside so easily with the threat of "divorce or counseling". Surely one should try other options first before going all the way. But OP has now stated some very concerning information. So if this was me, I would not go trying to fix anything but just lay out the facts. She seems to be consistently disrespectful to you OP, I am not sure what can be fixed if she is being so dismissive towards you and avoids you routinely, does not respect your feelings or concerns. Are you even sure you WANT to be married to someone who does this? This won't stop, it will only get worse, she has been getting away with it for a while now. If you want, you can go to a therapist on your own, talk about this situation for professional advice, since we don't know your entire history with this woman or what your mistakes were. Maybe she has not forgiven you for them? Sometimes apologizing is not enough, since the damage has been done. But how things are looking now, she is enjoying her life without you, does not mind hurting you and does not want to work on your relationship. Maybe you should give her what she wants and go see that lawyer.
  14. Of course you haven't. Never feel guilty for having boundaries and not feeling ready. We all have our own pace and our own desires, you have the complete right to decide what happens to your body and when, with whom, etc. He might want it but pressuring you only proves he is not being loving at all. Never let anyone guilt trip you into intimacy you are not ready for.
  15. Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well. Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge? You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?
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