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BreadStick

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  1. I've been MIA for a while, mostly due to illness but also due to having to think about what my therapist told me maybe a week ago. I promised to give you guys an update on how that session will go so here it is I made an appointment for a therapist in November, when I had to go to the doctor due to panic/anxiety attacks and generally being unable to function properly. He gave me some anti anxiety meds and my session was scheduled for this month ( the waiting list here is quite long). It went both well and not so well. While I applied for a female therapist I somehow got scheduled with a man which I found out while there so I just went with it. He was nice, maybe a bit traditional which rubbed me the wrong way after a while (who is he to tell me I will eventually want kids no matter what?) so I took the session with a grain of salt. Basically, he told me I was fine, that it was normal to grieve this strongly (though he seemed surprised that 6 months after the BU I was still feeling affection for my ex, what can I say, I don't trust easily but when I do, it is a hard attachment to loose),that I don't need any medicine and that I shouldn't dwell on one man so much. While I do agree with that, he seemed to be focused too much on the whole aspect of excusing my ex's actions because in his words: "I am a man, and a therapist and I can tell you, that most men are garbage. We just are. He broke up with you like that because he was a coward, or he wanted to spare you the truth. Would you want to hear that he never loved you? That he was bored and wanted something else?" I found lots of issues with that. Most men are not garbage for one, my ex however is a coward for how he treated me. And yes, I expect to be broken up with face to face, it would be only right due to the length and love in our relationship as well as his supposed respect for me. He just wanted to ghost me and be rid of me for whatever reason without needing to see me cry or how his actions hurt me. I would also prefer to be told why, not just give me a "I just don't feel like I should anymore. We are not like other couples I looked at so it is better this way." does that even mean?? Naturally I am upset and it has demolished my self worth for quite some time. It came out of nowhere, so it is hard for me to trust anyone now, with what they say. How can something like that not leave scars? But my therapist did give me SOME good advice: I am successful and loving and when I am ready, I will see I have a lot of choice of men for my future, so I should not grieve over one man. He also asked me, why would I want him back, since all these months I have suffered many mental and physical scars due to his cowardice, as it would make my suffering pointless. He said, that I have cried so much and now after my pain is lessening, I would want to make it all null and void if I could? I don't know if I want him back or want anything from him anymore. I should hate him but I don't, I want him to be happy, I want him to find what he is looking for. But at the moment, I just want ME to finally be happy and be myself again. I'll remember anything else I will add it, but this was basically it. How is everyone doing?
  2. That is true. I agree with you. Mental health is the responsibility of the individual. Taking care of ourselves which includes working on these issues is also each person's responsibility. I am a big advocate of self care. I have depression and anxiety myself but you wouldn't be able to tell normally because I have learned how to maintain a healthy level. Never would I allow my loved ones to suffer due to things I can prevent or minimize. I would also never expect my partners to cater to my specific needs all the time. However, I do expect them not to force me to social gatherings when I am having an off day for example. But, again, you wouldn't be able to tell I have issues due to my maintenance rutine. We all have some issues, some people just expect a partner to be perfect and never cause issues or have off days. Some people can't deal with any form of mental illness and some can with many, comes down to a person I think. OP needs to fix her issues definitely. She might have expected her SO to cater to her issues which of course caused problems. What I meant with "immaturity" is that he insulted her deeply which was unnecessary and will leave deep scars. That was uncalled for. Hurting someone where it hurts is not a mature trait in my opinion.
  3. That is around the time the real person comes out to play - he might have been fine with your anxiety before, due to the honeymoon phase and hormones in general, maybe you were also showing less of your symptoms. Not everyone can deal well with anxiety, some people get overwhelmed, sometimes the person suffering with it also does not have control over their outbursts. This is not your fault, that you have anxiety, but it is your responsibility to treat it, so it doesn't debilitate your everyday life - it is good he showed his true colors before you got really attached. Before you moved in he did not see how living with an anxious person is, 24/7. Now that he did, he probably realized it was too much, he took your anxiety personally. Regardless, he should have been respectful, just shows he was overwhelmed with it all and is not the type of man you can live with and trust in the long run. You also moved in together really fast. Take the time for yourself and heal, the way he left says all about his maturity. Go get therapy if you are not already in treatment for your anxiety and get help with treating your outbursts. They might be anxiety provoked but they are still not okay, so you need to get that sorted out before it becomes a bigger issue. How did your everyday life look like with him?
  4. What everyone has said before is great advice. But, I'd just like to say that unless you told him that this was a deal breaker and he promised to never do it again, you really have no right to order him how to live his life. If you're going to prohibit him from doing anything you don't like, even if it has nothing to do with you, what are you changing or sacrificing for him? How does this affect your relationship? He'll just not kiss you or be intimate with you if he smoked. Let him know this and he'll decide for himself. You listed A LOT of great qualities he has and the one thing you seem to be so broken over is the box pf cigarettes that might, or might not be his. That might or might not be new. Maybe he bought them a while ago and just stashed them to hide them from himself when he was quitting, or it was his old stash? Maybe he has them for special events? I know female friends who only smoke when they're out with friends, but never alone. Regardless, I'd like to say that if something this small is a deal breaker for you, you're in for a rough ride. I hate smoking myself, hate the smell, hate the smoke that then lingers all around me too. My partners all knew I hated it, I just asked them not to smoke in my face or directly around me. What he does is his decision, unless he promises me to quit and this is a deal breaker. But I am not the type to force my own values on others, I also don't drink but I don't make my partners to stop because I don't like it. I also think you are taking something so little a little bit hard. Has he ever given you a reason to distrust him? Has he ever broken an important promise? In 2 years you'd know if he'd been smoking, I agree with the others. That stuff is EVERYWHERE. Maybe it is a box from a previous tenant, maybe one of his friends left it or something. Instead of doubting your whole relationship because of a single box of cigarettes you should maybe talk to him first? I really think that you are exaggerating on a small issue.
  5. Yep. It's normal, no worries. I have absolutely no desire and normally I am very much active. Nothing. So take your time OP, no worries.
  6. This is very true. Please consider this OP. I was broken up via text too, out of the blue, no warnings, after 2 years and 3 months with practically no arguments. You'll see the truth later, when you can see clearly and the mess has died down a bit. But all that aside, this is a very cowardly way to abandon someone, especially a good partner. Take this as a sign of how her character is. She would rather hurt you so badly than face the aftermath of her decisions. It's her problem in the long run. Clio gave a lot of very good advice, please consider it all.
  7. I would also like to add to this, that you will rarely get the whole truth from your ex. They might lie or avoid the whole truth for various reasons. Maybe they're ashamed, maybe they don't want to hurt you, or what ever else reason they might have. You will never know the whole 100% truth, or better said, rarely. You will have to accept, that her leaving you is all the closure you might get. If it helps, and it helped me, pick a story, a reason that will help you move on and take that as the truth. If she wasn't forthcoming, you have the freedom to construct your own truth that will empower you to move on.
  8. What do you mean with "if I had some balls or would know how -"?
  9. I found out you have been with a new girl since November. How dare you treat me like this, dump me like I meant nothing and 1 month later, you already fool around with another woman while I cry and suffer, worry about your mental health and hope you are doing fine?! I am sure now you left me because you were after her. How dare you lie to me, the only one who was there for you, listened to your problems, supported you and cheered you on?! Who comforted you when you were sad, held you when you were scared, tried to help you men your relationships! Who went to your appointments with you?! I really did love you, this is not just a word to me! It meant something! You don't deserve me, you don't deserve a loyal woman like me who devotes herself to being kind and loving to her partner. You sullied my most sacred beliefs, destroyed the happy person I was, the hopeful and kind soul I had is gone! I have never been betrayed like this before, and believe me, I have been ed over a lot. My life has always been a struggle, it has always been filled with pain and you knew it, and yet you used me! Why did you lie to me!? I was sad and could barely get out of bed while you were already sleeping with her! I am so stupid, thinking I was special. You gave me false hope, shattered my heart to pieces, lied to me and walked all over me while I was defending you, loving you and thinking, I found the man who I would be with; that I found my happy ending. That I finally got lucky. I was sad, yes, but now I'm pissed. Heard she doesn't treat you well. Good. You deserve it. While I hope you find happiness, I do, I don't think you deserve it at this moment. I want you to feel the hopelessness I felt when you broke my heart into a thousand pieces. I gave you things I gave nobody before you, I ... told you things nobody else knows, about my past, about my abuse and you spit in my face. A relationship born from such pain can never be healthy, can never work out! I hope this haunts you for a good while. I hope you find out some other man saw what you didn't and regretted it for the rest of your life, knowing you left someone who would have loved you till the end, would have been kind and loving and would have been good to your family and your friends, like I have been before! They all still love me, they even defended me. What does that say about you? That man will be braver than you will ever be, he will be better than you, he will tell me he loves me and he will show it. One day, I will be grateful you ed me over so badly because I will be with someone who deserves a loyal woman like myself. It will take a while, to get myself together, to start believing love is real again but I won't let you destroy the future I always wanted. I threw out the dried flowers I kept from you. I don't want to see them. I threw out the necklace you gave me for my birthday. I don't ever want to touch that meaningless again, that made me believe I was something special in your life. I don't ever want to be blinded by my love again! You made me do this! YOU DID THIS! Don't you ever dare forget it. We could have had it all and now all you will have is just another fling with this woman before she screws you over like all others before her. All I will be now is a regret you will feel for the rest of your life! Hope you are happy. I wish I never met you. I wish I never wasted 2 years of my life on you. I wish I never told you I loved you! I wish I never wasted all that money on you, to see you, to find meaningful gifts! To take you to diners because I wanted you to know how much I valued you! I wish our parents never met! Now they are involved and suffering too. How could you do this to me... I thought you respected me... at least cared enough not to break me... I trusted you and you treated me worse than those women who abused you, cheated on you and controlled you. Made me believe I was worthless and ugly, like I was never good enough. Guess who isn't good enough? YOU! Good bye, it is your loss in the end, not mine. You lost someone special, all I lost was a lying, cowardly man who couldn't treat me right if it hit him in the face.
  10. My ex friend used to lie to me all the time, bad mouth me behind my back, abuse people close to her and then acusse them of being mean to her. She did this for years before I found out. When I told her to get lost, she threatened to kill herself because all her friends were starting to leave her due to her abusive nature. I didn't forgive her. It's been about 5 years. Guess what? She's alive and has new friends every year, still lies and does the same stuff. Don't ever let other people guilt trip ypu into anything by threatening suicide. That is very abusive. Block him, avoid him and don't let this toxicity in your life. It will only get worse if you do. You don't owe him anything.
  11. Yeah, I feel you. Chin up, you'll get through it! :)
  12. Amen! Hhaha xD Seems like we are similar in that way - trying to be protective of our loved ones, thinking if only we are perfect, strong and impenetrable we can shield them from their pain and they will be happy - heal them with love. Like is is our job, duty to be their knight in shining armor. I know for me, this is due to my past. I was abused a lot so I know how it felt to be powerless and hurt. I never wanted anyone to feel like this, the least of all my loved ones. This is why I grew a thick skin, became a protector of everyone, their shoulder to cry on, the on that never breaks - but it also meant I took more slack from people than I should have. We are not gods, we can't be someone's savior. No matter how good we are to them, no matter how perfect of a partner. So don't blame yourself for the mistakes a human makes :) I know you are hurting, especially so since you feel like you added to her pain, and this was the last thing you wanted to do. You wanted to heal her pain but now you feel like you added to it, like the others. Truth is, she made it impossible for you to be there for her, like a good partner could be, due to her falling victim to her past's demons. She saw something in you that was not you, but her past. It is not something you can change, and if she doesn't work on it she will see it in every man in the future as well. It is great you are working on yourself, never stop! Give her the gift of time for now, and since you know you made a mistake and are already working on it, it will show you cared a great deal. Sadly, we cannot be partners to those who refuse to see our good but are focused on their fear. It is understandable why she is, she had a lot of suffering behind her. But don't blame yourself for that, you were not the one who made those fears. I also fear all the time, how my ex is doing, if he is okay, if he is taking care of himself, if he is letting his friends know how he is (he only ever really opened up to me, told me things only I know so I worry, he is alone), I want to be there for him because I too, honestly deeply care. I try not to think about it too much, you should try to shift your thoughts when those come up, you'll only feel guilty for being unable to fix something you cannot. Of course, that's what I am here for :)
  13. Yes, but he did not specify how often he mentioned it. So naturally, the sound advice would be to try again one more time to make sure she understands the severity of the situation before more drastic measures are to be taken. Once such a drastic step has been taken, to bring the documents already on the table, a lot of options of a "calm" reconciliation are off the table, at least for a while. I think he should go to the lawyer yes, but when he does so, the process has been initiated and can't just be laid aside so easily with the threat of "divorce or counseling". Surely one should try other options first before going all the way. But OP has now stated some very concerning information. So if this was me, I would not go trying to fix anything but just lay out the facts. She seems to be consistently disrespectful to you OP, I am not sure what can be fixed if she is being so dismissive towards you and avoids you routinely, does not respect your feelings or concerns. Are you even sure you WANT to be married to someone who does this? This won't stop, it will only get worse, she has been getting away with it for a while now. If you want, you can go to a therapist on your own, talk about this situation for professional advice, since we don't know your entire history with this woman or what your mistakes were. Maybe she has not forgiven you for them? Sometimes apologizing is not enough, since the damage has been done. But how things are looking now, she is enjoying her life without you, does not mind hurting you and does not want to work on your relationship. Maybe you should give her what she wants and go see that lawyer.
  14. Of course you haven't. Never feel guilty for having boundaries and not feeling ready. We all have our own pace and our own desires, you have the complete right to decide what happens to your body and when, with whom, etc. He might want it but pressuring you only proves he is not being loving at all. Never let anyone guilt trip you into intimacy you are not ready for.
  15. Counseling is a good idea. Go to couples' therapy. You need to sit her down and explain how serious the whole situation is for you. The more she denies you the worse it will be because she will detach more and more and hurt you as well. Are you sure she is cheating? What signs besides refusing intimacy and speaking of cheating colleagues has she shown? Could it be that she perhaps thinks you are having an affair and that is why she mentions this a lot? Have you been present in her life, given her attention etc? Could it be, something else happened and she is somehow uncomfortable with intimacy? Has she been in any traumatic event or has experienced any stress recently that might make her feel on edge? You won't know unless she speaks up. So you need to sit her down and have an honest conversation. That she reacted so angrily is a bad sign, but I am not sure if it is due to her infidelity or if she actually feels insulted that you would suggest that. How is she usually? Was she an open woman, open t conversation or has she always been avoidant?
  16. Did he do anything for you or did he just assume he would lie back and let you do all the work? Regardless OP, if you are NOT ready you don't have to do anything. If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't either. He is being a baby, and pressuring you, rchubn is right, this is abusive as well, he is controlling your consent. How old are you and how old is he? Never allow someone to pressure you into sex, of any kind. It is your body, your choice, he has no right to decide when and how you wish to have sex. Don't offer him anything, if he was a good guy he'd wait, he'd understand and not pressure you just because he wants you to do it.
  17. Gary has a good point, he is being really selfish and looking for attention. Maybe he needs a wake up call. Ask him how he would feel it this was you, bonding so much with another man. He even said to you he doesn't think she brings anyone else gifts, so he secretly hopes she doesn't because he wants her to have a crush on him. That is kind of sick really, not trustworthy behaviour in my opinion. I wouldn't stand for it, but you must decide what you find to be a breach of your boundaries. I would go out with my colleagues too, but not one on one with male colleagues, if I would bring gifts, I would bring them for everyone or bring one big one for the whole office. Definitely would not be focusing on one man in the office, text him a lot and go out together. Sounds like a relationship in the making to me. Talk to your therapist about this more, if it bothers you this much it is likely because your gut is telling you something. What you are saying here is, to my understanding, your relationship was great until she came along. Now it is in danger. Doesn't this scare your husband? Does he not care his marriage is breaking due to his need for other women's attention? Is he really this selfish? Only you know how much you are willing to tolerate. Only you know if you are willing to share your man with another (married no less) woman.. what does her husband say about this? Maybe you should ask your husband what the woman's husband thinks, if he even knows.
  18. That sounds abusive to me OP, he was actively putting you down, down to his level. Why was he with you if he didn't think you were attractive? The reality is, he wants an accessory he can flaunt, someone he feels fits his fantasy of what a woman should be. He feels like he is worth more because he can belittle you. Like you said, he is not happy in life, he puts this on his partner's shoulders and expects you to be perfect, to a T to his fantasies but really, that woman does not exist. I can tell you now he thinks he is all that and deserves Heidi Klum, but if he had her, he would find things about her he didn't like and would belittle her too. It's who he is. He will be abusive to his other girlfriends too, until he finds one he thinks is perfect in the visual aspect and she will deny him, perhaps put him through what he put you through. He might learn then, or maybe, he will be this selfish all the time. I would pity him if I were you, that he is so shallow and unable to be happy on his own. This has nothing to do with you, it was not your fault and it had nothing to do with how you were or looked, it is all because he is unhappy and is blaming it on others. Don't waste anymore time on a guy like that, he isn't worth it. You will see how a man really is when he cares about you and respects you when you meet him, then you will look back on this guy and laugh that you ever wasted time on him.
  19. Well,from reading your thread and your comments, where you helped others, I would say you are far too perfectionistic and hard on yourself - you make one mistake and you blame yourself, guilt yourself, put all the weight on your shoulders. You don't need to do that, a relationship needs 2 to work. From what you said, she was looking for a man with no faults, who behaved EXACTLY like what she needed at any moment, otherwise she would be upset or hurt. It is understandable she has issues from an abusive relationship before you, but you were not the one to cause those issues Edition, don't forget that. You can't fix or stop her pain, only she can overcome what was done to her, you can only be there as support. But in no way is it up to you to make her happy or resolve her suffering. You put all this responsibility on yourself: if it works out it is because YOU put in the work, YOU did this, YOU didn't do that, YOU were there, YOU moved away, YOU didn't raise your voice, etc. You must realize that she did a lot of wrong here: putting her happiness on you, bombarding you with messages because she was lonely or anxious (likely stemming from unresolved issues from her past), projecting her previous abuser onto you when you did something wrong, etc. I am sure she is a kind woman, but she is not in a place where she can be a good partner, she is lonely and needs a savior. But, this is unsustainable, because nobody can stop our pain but ourselves. She needs to go to therapy so she can fight her problems. Then she can be a good partner and not freak out each time she has a flash back to her abuser. It is great you are addressing your problems too, kuddos to you for taking the step! Like Sherry said, since she blocked you for now, you have to respect this. She is used to men disrespecting her boundaries, so don't overstep. Allow her the time she needs. If she reaches out, you can choose to tell her how much you care and how much you want to be there for her. If you have the same friends, do what I did and ask them to keep an eye out for her, to make sure she has support but don't interfere. Her friends will tell her you are thinking about her and want what is best. But you can't force this now, sit back and work on yourself and allow her the time to figure out what she wants. She needs to first separate all men from her abuser, realize not all men are like that, realize you were there for her and made one mistake but were nothing like her ex. Time will let her see that. All you can do is work on your anger for now and get that taken care of.
  20. Hmm yeah, that is not very helpful at all. If motivation was all it took to get an ex back, none of us would be here hhaha. I will let you guys know how that goes soon :)
  21. He says she "f*$@ked him up", but really, like Wiseman says, he let it happen. He allowed her to treat him badly for a while. That is his burden to bear not yours, it's a reflection of how low his self esteem was. His friends tell you these things so you won't blame him while he is being cold and neglectful of YOU, so you won't think badly of him or give up on him while he is "f*$@king" you up! Believe me, you can't fix him, he has to do it. He has to stop blaming it all on his previous relationship. It is his responsibility to treat you well, since he wanted to be with you but he chooses to be the victim still, focusing on his ex and being all cold to you now. How does it make you feel when he is so cold to you? Can you imagine being his emotional punching bag while he is getting better, but you are deteriorating because you take on his pain to help him? He needs to step up. men who blame their exs all the time are the ones at fault. They allow the mistreatment, but then treat their new partners badly and don't see, that they are being toxic to you. They damage you but it's not their fault, because they're been "hurt" and thus this is an excuse. You need to talk, tell him how you feel exactly and what is destroying your relationship. If he can't get over it, you must leave or he will take you with him and emotionally destroy you. You will feel worthless and unseen if you allow to be treated like it was you who damaged him. Get him to a therapist and support him if he chooses you are more important than his previous hurt, if he admits he is being hurtful to you and wants to be with you. But he must take responsibility, or you will always be in the shadow of an "evil ex". You will be loved by his friends and family, they will be so happy he has a good woman but he will drain you and not be grateful for you, as a person, but only as long as you provide the warmth he wishes his ex did. Edition, sadly, yep. It happens so often. People get in new relationships way too early and hurt those who did nothing. What can we do but learn to see the signs faster next time and protect ourselves :/
  22. Wiseman is right, he is mooching off of you and has the audacity to put it all on you, regarding the arguments. You are in therapy in trying to improve, while he is denying any responsibility, getting drunk all the time and avoiding reality. He is used to blaming you and it is easier than it would be to admit he NEEDS to go to therapy and stop drinking. He needs to step up and change, or you must leave because you will be dragged down by such destructive behaviors. His exs cheating and mistreatment of him has NOTHING to do with you. You didn't do those things to him, he is simply used to being the victim, the poor guy women treated badly and uses this as an excuse for his bad behavior and habits he doesn't want to change. Do you really want to be with a man who disrespects you so much, that he always blames you, says you ruin everything even though he is the one being drunk all the time and causing drama? He needs to go to a therapist, stop drinking, get a job and start pulling his weight, and most importantly, respect you! Or he needs to go.
  23. Could it be, that this is the reason his previous marriage ended OP? Maybe he is unable to be happy unless he gets attention from a lot of women. If even your couples' therapist recommended he stopped for the sake of your marriage then you KNOW you are not the one being "crazy" or controlling. He is putting you in a position of stress and worries, where you eventually even consider confronting the other woman. This is highly inappropriate, specially so since he knows you two are in trouble. He cares about the thrill much more then you two. Is he always this selfish? He does it only to soothe his ego. Don't let him and her drag you down with them, you're better than this. Take drastic measures, he has shown you how much he respects your marriage. Don't give him the drama that he wants. He has already chosen to be this jerk who walks all over his wife's feelings, don't mind his. Do your own therapy and go see a lawyer. It's time he knew things are much more serious. If you want to confront her, don't waste your time with face to face. Don't fight for a man who is too lazy and selfish to even stop filling his ego with another woman. No woman should NEED to tell another woman to back off, that is the man's job. If it wouldn't be her, it would be some other woman. Do what Lost suggested if you want to send them a message. Her husband is likely miserable too. I agree with Lost that cheaters don't deserve sympathy, they have shown you none. Let them see the consequences of their choices, this is real life not some drama movie. Ii would simply start proceedings to divorce him and then also send her husband a heads up if I felt it was necessary.
  24. You said she was stingy and complained when YOU spend money on food, but then she wants to spenf 1800$ on a coaching... that is a bit unafir to you isn't it. So she is fine spending money on herself but not on you? Is she this was with all things? You also said money is tight, shouldn't she try to first go by referal and then if that doesn't work out go to her previously known person? I am all about therapy, so no judgement there. It is great she wants to go and you want to support her. But, you also said she has these flair ups often, when her mother is being difficult... she needs to find another therapist eventually because can you two really afford to spend 1800$ each time that happens? Or more if those 10 sessions won't be enough. I don't think that is sustainable for you two considering it all. I would ask her to go by referal first and set her money aside specially for this reason should she need it. BUT like others said, can she really expect the same treatment from a coach that she received before? Doubt the licenses are the same. Did she only need 10 sessions before? Or can you expect that to become 20 or more? Others gave very sound advice.
  25. How were Craig Kenneth's emails like? Not going to use a coach, I have a therapist appointment (I will update you guys on how that goes, in case anybody will benefit from the advice I will be given there), so that will not mash well, haha. What I wonder though is, has he helped you in any way with your concerns? I like his videos because they help me lessen my recent anxiety and give me good tips on how to improve myself as a person. I wonder if his relationship tips are valid.
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