Communications from Ex

[Mike5]

This is more just a report than a specific question, but I feel the need to express myself.

 

Was dumped abruptly by partner of 7 years last March. We had been planning to move to NZ, her homeland from early on. In the summer she went to NZ herself. Rightly or wrongly, I felt robbed and betrayed after all the emotional investment I had put into those years.

 

Anyway, last week she got in touch saying she had been fired from her dream job after only a month. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a little schadenfreude. During the summer she had also moaned to me about trouble she was having with a new landlord. I only gave a one line polite reply to which she took umbrage.

 

Bottom line, don't be surprised if the person who dumped you shows stunning insensitivity post break-up. Remember that they thought you were disposable to begin with.

[TeddyPSmith]

I always thought that my ex would magically appear when I’ve finally moved on. I thought she’d admit her faults and just check in on me. A friend gave me some advice this morning when I told her this.

 

“I’m gonna be real here. She’s not gonna reach out. She’s never going to admit anything. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love you. She just would have done it by now. You have to let that go.”

 

It was like a dagger through the heart and brought me to tears but it’s the truth. She hasn’t once reached out in 9 months. It won’t happen. You’re correct about insensitivity.

[TeddyPSmith]

By the way, I remember your story. I’m sorry you’re still going through it but you sound sober about the whole thing, which is good.

[Hollyj]

Have you considered blocking this woman, or do you want to get back with her?

[Clio]

This is more just a report than a specific question, but I feel the need to express myself.

 

Was dumped abruptly by partner of 7 years last March. We had been planning to move to NZ, her homeland from early on. In the summer she went to NZ herself. Rightly or wrongly, I felt robbed and betrayed after all the emotional investment I had put into those years.

 

Anyway, last week she got in touch saying she had been fired from her dream job after only a month. I'd be lying if I didn't admit to feeling a little schadenfreude. During the summer she had also moaned to me about trouble she was having with a new landlord. I only gave a one line polite reply to which she took umbrage.

 

Bottom line, don't be surprised if the person who dumped you shows stunning insensitivity post break-up. Remember that they thought you were disposable to begin with.

 

Typical selfish dumper behaviour. She tried to use you as a sympathetic ear for her troubles. Nevermind, the hurt she might cause to your healing process. Because it is all about her, her, her. The thing is though, that you need to stop humoring her. This communication does not do you any good. Your lives are separate now and she has nothing useful to communicate to you. It would be best to block her and use your energy in meeting new people and/or lend that sympathetic ear to some friend who may need it, someone who has not abandoned you like she did. Bottom line, her selfishness is indeed typical of many dumpers and there is nothing to be gained from humoring her.

[Starlight925]

I was dumped after 2 1/2 years like this. I, too, thought he was the love of my life, and that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. We are older (50's) and had talked about retirement, future, etc., all at his initiation. Then one night, after a day of movies, shopping, and dining out, he walked out. Just....done. I emailed him a few weeks later to give him his stuff, and he showed up at my house, didn't say a word, and was gone. This was 6 years ago, and I'll never fully get over it.

 

I believe there is an implied social contract when we enter into a relationship with someone. We typically discuss with new dating partners the idea of moving from dating to exclusivity. We call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We introduce them to our friends and families. I believe that, if nothing else, common courtesy would cause the person to communicate a desire to leave the relationship.

 

To simply vanish is cruel.

 

Sounds like she is looking for your sympathetic ear, your empathy, your shoulder. Let me guess....you're the guy who was always there for her, was always her springboard, always listened to her issues, always responded with open arms. Ha ha, poor girl, now all she gets from you is a terse, one-line reply. Good for you.

 

Now go forth and block this loser girl from your phone and from your life.

[Hollyj]

I was dumped after 2 1/2 years like this. I, too, thought he was the love of my life, and that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. We are older (50's) and had talked about retirement, future, etc., all at his initiation. Then one night, after a day of movies, shopping, and dining out, he walked out. Just....done. I emailed him a few weeks later to give him his stuff, and he showed up at my house, didn't say a word, and was gone. This was 6 years ago, and I'll never fully get over it.

 

I believe there is an implied social contract when we enter into a relationship with someone. We typically discuss with new dating partners the idea of moving from dating to exclusivity. We call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. We introduce them to our friends and families. I believe that, if nothing else, common courtesy would cause the person to communicate a desire to leave the relationship.

 

To simply vanish is cruel.

 

Sounds like she is looking for your sympathetic ear, your empathy, your shoulder. Let me guess....you're the guy who was always there for her, was always her springboard, always listened to her issues, always responded with open arms. Ha ha, poor girl, now all she gets from you is a terse, one-line reply. Good for you.

 

Now go forth and block this loser girl from your phone and from your life.

 

That's horrible! He didn't say anything? There was another woman?

[Starlight925]

That's horrible! He didn't say anything? There was another woman?

 

No other woman! He did end up on match about a month later, with me cut out of a picture.

 

LSS: We met shortly after his 20+ year marriage ended. I was only his 2nd date, and we lasted 2 1/2 years. As a friend later said, I was his life raft into "single life".

 

Which, if I had been posting on ENA at the time, would have been the cue for posters to chime in with the "too soon after divorce; rebound" type of advice, which would have been true.

 

We had not one cross word said, ever. We laughed, talked, had great and frequent sex, met each other's families, friends, went to work events, etc.

 

We spent the day shopping, saw a movie, then dinner, then another movie. My feelings were hurt later that night, as my family had been trying to plan a surprise party for my 50th bday, and he apparently hadn't been returning their calls.

 

I asked him about it, when I figured it out (this was the night he left). I said "Can I ask why? That hurts my feelings", and he simply said, "I don't want to". This was literally the first remotely non-positive exchange we had ever had. It was actually those two sentences that were exchanged, in normal tones of voices.

 

And he went downstairs, got his things, and said "I'm leaving". I asked if he was coming back, as I thought he meant to the store, or an errand. He just. Left.

 

He didn't contact me the next day, so I figured, I'll give him space. I waited another day, then another one, and finally, I emailed after about a week or two, just saying that I was sorry if I said anything that didn't sound good, but that I'd love to talk. He responded, saying sorry that things didn't work out, and that he'd treasure our 2+ years together.

 

He did get married to someone a couple of years ago....yes, I did look him up a while back. I assume they're still married, but I haven't checked.

[Hollyj]

No other woman! He did end up on match about a month later, with me cut out of a picture.

 

LSS: We met shortly after his 20+ year marriage ended. I was only his 2nd date, and we lasted 2 1/2 years. As a friend later said, I was his life raft into "single life".

 

Which, if I had been posting on ENA at the time, would have been the cue for posters to chime in with the "too soon after divorce; rebound" type of advice, which would have been true.

 

We had not one cross word said, ever. We laughed, talked, had great and frequent sex, met each other's families, friends, went to work events, etc.

 

We spent the day shopping, saw a movie, then dinner, then another movie. My feelings were hurt later that night, as my family had been trying to plan a surprise party for my 50th bday, and he apparently hadn't been returning their calls.

 

I asked him about it, when I figured it out (this was the night he left). I said "Can I ask why? That hurts my feelings", and he simply said, "I don't want to". This was literally the first remotely non-positive exchange we had ever had. It was actually those two sentences that were exchanged, in normal tones of voices.

 

And he went downstairs, got his things, and said "I'm leaving". I asked if he was coming back, as I thought he meant to the store, or an errand. He just. Left.

 

He didn't contact me the next day, so I figured, I'll give him space. I waited another day, then another one, and finally, I emailed after about a week or two, just saying that I was sorry if I said anything that didn't sound good, but that I'd love to talk. He responded, saying sorry that things didn't work out, and that he'd treasure our 2+ years together.

 

He did get married to someone a couple of years ago....yes, I did look him up a while back. I assume they're still married, but I haven't checked.

 

Good God! What a heartless azzhole!

[Starlight925]

Good God! What a heartless azzhole!

 

Yes, which explains why I am quick to give trigger-advice to people who date others who are immediately out of LTR's.

 

After all I read, all the advice, etc., it was that one statement made by my friend that made the most sense: I was his life raft after a life of being married.

 

After a very LTR, it's paralyzing to imagine oneself being alone, dating again. So, it's often that they get into an immediate relationship with the first nice person they meet, and we here at ENA are constantly saying "Rebound".

 

The rebound-ee likes to say "But ours is different! Our love is for real", blah blah. I know, I said it too. Until my rebound-er didn't need me, his life raft, anymore.

 

I look back and saw the signs: About 3 months prior to his leaving, he started to eat right and work out. He met my very pretty friend, who had just met and fallen in love with a very average-looking but super nice guy, and he seemed very intrigued by their story. As in, this very pretty, sweet woman had been available, and my then-boyfriend was much cuter than her guy, so he could probably do even better than her. So, for 3 months, I noticed this distinct change in him: foods that I cooked that he loved, he now pushed around the plate; nights we'd Netflix, he'd want to go take a walk; parties he didn't want to attend, he now wanted to attend.

 

ETA: Mike5, sorry, do not mean to hijack your thread! Sorry for my personal tangent!

[Hollyj]

Yes, which explains why I am quick to give trigger-advice to people who date others who are immediately out of LTR's.

 

After all I read, all the advice, etc., it was that one statement made by my friend that made the most sense: I was his life raft after a life of being married.

 

After a very LTR, it's paralyzing to imagine oneself being alone, dating again. So, it's often that they get into an immediate relationship with the first nice person they meet, and we here at ENA are constantly saying "Rebound".

 

The rebound-ee likes to say "But ours is different! Our love is for real", blah blah. I know, I said it too. Until my rebound-er didn't need me, his life raft, anymore.

 

I look back and saw the signs: About 3 months prior to his leaving, he started to eat right and work out. He met my very pretty friend, who had just met and fallen in love with a very average-looking but super nice guy, and he seemed very intrigued by their story. As in, this very pretty, sweet woman had been available, and my then-boyfriend was much cuter than her guy, so he could probably do even better than her. So, for 3 months, I noticed this distinct change in him: foods that I cooked that he loved, he now pushed around the plate; nights we'd Netflix, he'd want to go take a walk; parties he didn't want to attend, he now wanted to attend.

 

ETA: Mike5, sorry, do not mean to hijack your thread! Sorry for my personal tangent!

 

Really disgusting how some can behave.

[Mike5]

LH Girl, not at all. That's a dreadful story - I'm very sorry for your pain. I had something similar: we went out for a meal on a Saturday night, watched a movie on Netflix, all seemed fine. Next morning, sat me down, said "I can't do this anymore" and literally ran out the door and buried herself in the cinema all day so I couldn't contact her. I left two days later. This after 7 and a half years living together.

 

And yeah, I was always there for her, listening to her endless complaining about other people.

 

Oh well, we slog on....Strength to us all.

[TeddyPSmith]

There is strength in these posts, for all of us. Our stories bond us all together in an unfortunate way but we can at the minimum get acceptance and small slivers of hope from each other.

 

Happy holidays to everyone! I hope for better days to come

[figureitout23]

Yes, which explains why I am quick to give trigger-advice to people who date others who are immediately out of LTR's.

 

After all I read, all the advice, etc., it was that one statement made by my friend that made the most sense: I was his life raft after a life of being married.

 

After a very LTR, it's paralyzing to imagine oneself being alone, dating again. So, it's often that they get into an immediate relationship with the first nice person they meet, and we here at ENA are constantly saying "Rebound".

 

The rebound-ee likes to say "But ours is different! Our love is for real", blah blah. I know, I said it too. Until my rebound-er didn't need me, his life raft, anymore.

 

I look back and saw the signs: About 3 months prior to his leaving, he started to eat right and work out. He met my very pretty friend, who had just met and fallen in love with a very average-looking but super nice guy, and he seemed very intrigued by their story. As in, this very pretty, sweet woman had been available, and my then-boyfriend was much cuter than her guy, so he could probably do even better than her. So, for 3 months, I noticed this distinct change in him: foods that I cooked that he loved, he now pushed around the plate; nights we'd Netflix, he'd want to go take a walk; parties he didn't want to attend, he now wanted to attend.

 

ETA: Mike5, sorry, do not mean to hijack your thread! Sorry for my personal tangent!

 

Seriously well said.