Seeing my old best friend's ex..

[ChanOz]

Firstly we shall start with the old friend, "L", about a year a go I was able to pull away from this very toxic friendship and haven't spoken to her since. I'd known her for 10 years and she wasn't a very good friend but I was young and she was my only friend at the time.

 

L separated from her ex and father to two of her kids 2 months ago. I never really got to know him very well because she is a very jealous person and he avoided me as much as I avoided him. From what she told me though he was a good guy and a good dad, they were together for 4 years.

 

A few weeks ago her ex, "S" messaged me on Facebook accidentally and we started chatting. We then decided to catch up and since have spoken every day, hung out more and have been romantic.

 

If I was still friends with L there is no way I would be pursuing this... but we are no longer friends and they've separated so is this still horrible of me? I feel that S and I have a really good connection and I'm thinking something more could eventuate from what we are now. I know the saying "there is plenty more fish in the sea" but I have not had much luck with guys in the past and I've been separated from my ex husband for 2 years; so for me to feel this way with this particular guy is very rare and I'm not sure L is a good enough reason to let it go.

[Hollyj]

They have only been apart for two months. You are setting yourself up as a rebound. Not smart! You have only know this guy two weeks, you are getting ahead of yourself.

 

Why aren't you divorced?

 

This has doom written all over it!

[Hollyj]

You work fast. This other guy is from September:

 

"Hi guys I really need some advice, I am worried I am going to ruin something good by thinking irrationally.

 

This may be a bit of a novel but I am so tired of thinking about my relationship and not being able to talk to anyone about it.

 

I met this guy and we hit it off straight away, he was infatuated with me and for the first month he was practically at my house every night.. I have young children so it was easier for him to come around after they had gone to bed. He also has two older children and sees them as much as he can.

He was in a relationship for 15 years before me and is 9 years older than me.

 

A couple of weeks into it he told me he loved me, he was shy about it but said he couldn't help that's how he felt.. I didn't say it back at this time. He also asked if we could be 'official', making me his first girlfriend since he left his ex (kids mum) 3 years ago. I am 2 years out of a relationship with my ex husband and father to my two boys.

 

So by the end of the month we are dating, he is saying he loves me.. he wants me to meet his family, his kids and his friends.

He calls me all the time, messages me through out the day.

We go out for dinner, drinks, he meets my family.

 

Then a month and a half in (3 weeks ago) he tells me we need to slow things down, he shouldn't of said I love you so soon and we should technically still be 'seeing each other'."

 

You seem to have a pattern of choosing the wrong men, and everything seems to move at hyper-speed. Do you have a need to always have a man in your life, and feel that he is 'the one?'

[Wiseman2]

He's using you to stick it to her. Or you could be using this to stick it to your estranged husband and the former friend.

 

Sort of a kill three birds with one stone situation for you. You start dating your former friend's exbf, when their bed isn't even cold yet. You stick it to your estranged husband that you are dating...and you don't have to bother meeting appropriate men or explaining that you are not divorced yet. Also can hop right into bed with someone you've been eyeing inappropriately for quite a while.

 

Jump out of this mess with disaster written all over it. Get on some dating apps to find more available men and don't date ex friends left overs.

L separated from her ex and father to two of her kids 2 months ago.

 

A few weeks ago her ex, messaged me on Facebook.

 

I've been separated from my husband for 2 years.

[bluecastle]

Had Holly not dipped into the archives I'd have a softer approach here, but this seems a bit of a pattern, one with high chances of ending poorly.

 

In breakup time, dude is five minutes out of a relationship with someone he has kids with—that alone is reason to be cautious. That his ex is an ex-friend of yours, a person you've deemed toxic—ooof. That you yourself aren't fully out of a marriage—well, big confused eyes emoji. That trifecta is a recipe for drama, which, consciously or not, may be exactly what he's seeking. And, well, might be what you're seeking too.

 

Don't kid yourself in thinking that the charge between you two isn't at least partly connected to the whole thing being a bit subversive, a bit "wrong," a bit messy, a little bit of a bomb with a short fuse. Which, yeah, can be hot—been tangled in some of those sweet thorns myself, with the wounds and grins to show for it. But if you're genuinely looking for something stable, something with real legs, I'd challenge yourself to explore the draw of something that from the outset is tinged with sabotage from multiple angles.

 

All that said, to answer your question: No, this is not horrible of you, not on some moral plane. He's single-ish, you're single-ish—if you can be realistic, knowing it may be a placeholder affair between two people in emotional purgatories, by all means proceed. But it sounds like you're already trying to mentally spin it into something else, which is where the trouble (and heartbreak) comes in.

[Sportster2005]

I've never been a believer in 'rules'. Meeting someone that could be a serious partner happens rarely. Real friends will always want you to be happy, and will be above petty jealousy. And if that person isn't even a friend anymore, you shouldn't care less what she thinks.

[purplepaisley]

How did he "accidentally" message you on Facebook? Were you included in a group invite by accident, or did he just, woopsie, message the wrong Chan, with the wrong picture and wrong last name? And how did you "accidentally" respond? Or did you "accidentally" (oops) swoop in on him, now that he no longer has that ball and chain of that ex-friend attached to him? The toxic ex-friend, so it's a really good idea to get involved with him and his kids . This guy is two months outside of a marriage with children to your (ex)best friend....no and no. Don't justify it that you haven't spoken to her for years. This guy is a walking rebound and a socially stupid can o' worms to get involved with. Why are you compelled to take over the ex-friend's leftovers, and his kids? You know there will be backlash on this. You're getting involved with someone who is only two months outside from an official break (I doubt divorce and custody have been solidified) who "accidentally" Facebooked you...what a coincidence!...and the ex is an old friend of yours...do the math...this won't end well.