Still feeling the guilt

[Mikaila]

Hello everyone,

 

I would like to know if there are others out here that feel the same as me nad how do you cope with it.

 

My story is quite strange I know. At 31 in March 2017 I had my first kiss, I went to a couple of dates with a guy, but I knew I could never fall in love with him and stopped it.

 

A week after that, I started going out with someone else, I asked him and after a great first date (in my opinion of course) he said that we had to do it again, that week we saw each other five times, eh eh, I know I know, it is the tipical cliche'. However I could not believe it, I could not believe it of him because he a doctor, at that time 33, so smart, a lot of going on for him, so I could not believe it he did not find me interesting and even if when he told me that he was not looking for a long story, at the fifth date (when I got scared of what he was doing and I told him I was a virgin) in that first week, thinking on how interested he seemed, and there, and trusting his words, he wa s so good with words, I agreed. In a sense, it was a relief, because I could have (at least this is what I thought) all the dating experiences (going to museums, concerts, trips) without having to worry about being in love or whatever. You could guess how it went, after two months when we finally did it, he started to distance himself from me but still writing to me everyday and giving adult excuses, like work and friends, and I believed him and kept my life busier than before with new friends and activities, losing 8 kg, improving my clothes, acutally becoming the absolute best of myself. Finally after two months of that, I asked what was going on and he admitted that he had done it on purpose because he did not know how to say that he did not want to see me and to consider him as a friend to experiment with. I did not want to lose him, so for me to whom friendship has been always so important for me it was fine, so I would have not lose him, but I said to him that if I had to like someone else (as you can guess I was not confident and also for something that happened in high school I don't like to be touched and I am not touchy feely even with my friends, women and men alike) I had to stop having sex with him. I went on holiday to my homecountry for a month and asked him to stop talking every day. When I came back he tried to seduce me again, this time I could see me and what he did and also said, about me inviting him home too soon and trusting him too soon hurt me a lot. I ended it but saying that I wanted us to be friends. He, I thought, is such a great person that I want him as friend, he had been so good in giving me advice and so interested in my work that I want him there, even if he will not fall in love with me. I was so stupid.

 

In the mean time, when we still were seeing each other, he had become friends with a woman, a brilliant, kind, sincere, doctor. And they had become friends, true friends I would say. After a month or so that I left him, I was doing well, still with many activities, but still sad because I wasn't finding someone else that I liked. I asked to see him because I missed him and he told me, at the cafe we were, that he had met someone else and he liked her a lot. That was the worst night of my life, I felt so alone and I wanted to kill myself. I felt so un-worthy, all around me there were guys who wanted only to have sex with me and nothing more.

 

Three weeks, after that I met my boyfriend. I did not trust him at all. Luckily is the complete opposite of that other one and he behaved seriously from the beginning and even if with all that was going on in my mind we made i through to now, and I am very happy, thanks to him and my teraphist.

 

The thing that still presses to my mind though is the guilt. Even if I realised that nothing I could have done would have changed his behaviour towards me, I feel guilty. I feel like I must have done something for a man like that, a man that a special woman like that loves, to behave that way with me; for an intelligent man, to look at me and faking that interest. Has this happened to any of you?

[pippy longstocking]

I feel like I must have done something for a man like that, a man that a special woman like that loves, to behave that way with me; for an intelligent man, to look at me and faking that interest. Has this happened to any of you?

 

You need to get out of the mindset that he was special , you are putting him way way way above where he belongs . Lots of people meet , want to sleep with that person , then want to walk away ...He is jut a regular @ss who wanted to get laid ....and you must stop portraying him in your mind as this god like creature .

 

be happy and enjoy your new relationsip

[Mikaila]

Thanks Pippy, Indeed I have stopped doing that long ago. It is just sometimes I feel that I did something wrong, how can a person react to two women, basically good and kind people, so differently only because one is the one he wants and the other isn't? All of this because of sex? It is so stupid.

[Antelope]

As someone in a relationship with a person who compares me to their ex a lot right now.

 

Stop putting your ex on a pedestal as if he's something special.

[DanZee]

It is just sometimes I feel that I did something wrong, how can a person react to two women, basically good and kind people, so differently only because one is the one he wants and the other isn't? All of this because of sex? It is so stupid.

 

Well, you have nothing to feel guilty about. It was all about sex. You put yourself in a Friend With Benefits position, perhaps because a sexual relationship was all new to you and you were trying to be careful of being overwhelmed with emotion, but it's over. You're in a real relationship now and that's all that matters.

[Jellybean9]

You have nothing to feel guilty about at all.

 

Look at it as an experience that had helped you grow as a person as you was clearly ready to with.

 

Yes you'll probably always remember your "first" but trust me you will meet way better men in your future.

 

It will aid you now within your new relationship with you current boyfriend. Never look back as anything being a bad thing.

 

Wish you the best of luck with your current boyfriend :)

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. However some dating situations just don't work out after a couple of months...with or without sex.. You wanted to experience sex and you did. He seemed kind and respectful of that, but that does not ensure a lasting relationship.

 

Men generally do not need more non-romantic female friends. He was looking for someone who wanted more than an asexual entertainment pal. A relationship that includes affection from a woman. Not taking a woman out all the time who has built walls up around herself.

 

Perhaps your fear of sex and touching is something to explore in therapy. It will be difficult for you to develop mature complete relationships with men without that. The misconception that "all men are just out for sex" will also hinder your ability to date or form healthy relationships.

At 31 in March 2017 I had my first kiss. I told him I was a virgin. after two months when we finally did it. he told me that he had met someone else. all around me there were guys who wanted only to have sex with me and nothing more.