missing him like crazy

[smittenkittn]

So i'm in a pretty new relationship, we kind of all rushed in, and I like him so much, but a couple weeks ago his dad collapsed with a heart attack, and so now he's had to move back home and spend nearly all his time that he's not at work looking after his mum (who has dementia) and taking her up to the hospital and stuff. And he's really stressed out with it all as he's been given power of attorney and has to take care of everything for his parents and all.

 

And the logical part of my brain is like, I know he's doing the right thing, and that he SHOULD be putting his parents first right now - but I'm still missing him so much. I just pray that his dad gets better quickly but it seems like a slow process. And he's been getting really depressed and stressed with all the pressure of it, and I don't know how to support him properly, I hadn't even met his parents cos the relationship was so new still, so I don't feel like I can really "do" anything.

 

I'm trying so hard to be nice and to be there for him, but it's so hard. I'm missing him so much, we talk every day but it's been nearly a week since I actually saw him. And even then it wasn't like "fun" as he was so stressed out so I just gave him cookies and cuddled him til he calmed down and went to sleep, which he definitely needed, he's so wound up :(

 

I feel guilty cos I told him last night that I feel so sad and missing him, but I'm scared that will just stress him out more too, he said he feels trapped cos he has to look after his mum and he said he's missing me like crazy too, and that i'm the most amazing beautiful woman, but it's still so hard!! It is just such a horrible situation, it's so awful for him, and it's also so hard to be patient.

[DanZee]

So you've only been dating for a couple of weeks? You talk to him every day and you see him once a week? You've got to slow down. That's about normal for most early dating relationships. You sound like you may be developing a toxic emotional over-dependency on your boyfriend. You've got to pace yourself.

 

Also he's going through some tough times and while you should be there to support him, you shouldn't put too much pressure on him about the relationship this early. You're also in the honeymoon phase of the relationship and you don't really know him very well. Last month, people cautioned you about keeping your feet on the ground. I think that's still good advice. Just take it easy and see how it plays out, especially since he's under pressure and he has a lot on his plate.

[Annia]

If you want to support him then you should take a step back and let him solve his stuff without pressuring him for attention or reassurement. It's also not the time to "guilt trip" or make drama to him about him being far away taking care of his parents. Don't be another burden to him and try living your life (going out with friends, hobbies, etc) while he doesn't return.

 

The relationship is in the beginning so even if he wasn't dealing with this, it's not a good idea to oversaturate it.

[MissCanuck]

So i'm in a pretty new relationship, we kind of all rushed in, and I like him so much

 

What does this mean, exactly? How long have you been seeing each other and in what ways have you rushed?

 

You say it's hard not to see him much, which I get, but I would take a close look at what's fueling your impatience. Are you scared he's going to leave you if you don't see him more? Jealous that he's not with you?

 

Whatever you do, now is not the time to remind him often of how sad you feel not seeing him. He's dealing with something much bigger right now, and if you can't handle not seeing him only once a week while Dad recovers, you might need to reassess if this is really going to work for you. Life gets in the way sometimes, and being a supportive partner is important when that happens. That includes living your own life so he doesn't feel pressured to entertain you while his Dad's health is so precarious.

[DanZee]

What does this mean, exactly? How long have you been seeing each other and in what ways have you rushed?

 

She met him the beginning of last month and she said he looked like a male model!

[Wiseman2]

He's not in a position to date. It's only been a few dates in a few weeks, not a relationship. He's trying to tell you he can't date right now because he has other obligations. You are not his gf so you don't need to "be supportive", you need to find someone else who is ready, willing and able to date you.

[Jellybean9]

How long has it really been?

 

Personally I would take a step back. He sounds like he has a lot on his plate at the moment.

 

You can obviously be there to him when he wants you to be.

 

Honestly try not add so much the fact you miss him. Yes you can let him know on occasion you miss him as it feels nice to be missed.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety from him being away. Pushing that on him won't help it as that would add more pressure on him. Let's be honest he doesn't need more pressure!

 

Be there when he reaches out. Don't shove your fears of missing him on him.

 

Good luck

[reinventmyself]

I am in the same position (my mother isn't doing well and in rehab) and to add to the mix my bf's mother's health suddenly took a turn in the past couple of days. His mother lives in another state and may have to leave at any moment.

 

I know if my bf was telling me how much he missed me, seeing I have alot on my plate and just not enough to go around, a small part off me might feel complimented.

But mostly, it would stress me out even more that I didn't have much to offer him and in turn I would feel guilty and even in the worst moments, put upon.

 

The best you can do is support him. And sometimes that may mean, from afar. Trust me when I tell you he knows you are missing him. You don't need to say it.

He doesn't need to be worrying about your needs at the moment.

 

This is his time with his family and give him the gift of space to handle it the best way he knows how.

 

And even then it wasn't like "fun" as he was so stressed out

 

Look at this as a test. If you handle this well, it will just make your relationship just that much stronger.

[thisisrichey]

yea the last thing you want to do is to make this about YOU right now. his dad is ill. his mom is ill. he is trying to take care of both of them - may have to the rest of their lives. he may even realize he may not have his dad for longer. SO.. if you make this about YOU - the relationship is over. Make this about HIM and what HE needs right now. Continue to support. Offer to help. Offer to help him relax whenever he needs a break by doing something for him and cuddling.. or just being there to comfort him whenever. seriously.. maybe you can offer to help him ("is there anythign i can do to make it easier for you or help you not have to do it all by yourself?")

 

that would show that you really care about HIM and are a lifetime partner type - rather than just a girl who needs somebody to pay atentio to them.

[smittenkittn]

I'm trying, and yes of course I've told him if there's anything I can do to help. I really do want to support him.

 

Fortunately his parents live in the same city as us both so no, it's not like he's suddenly gone "away". I really actually wish I'd already met his parents, his mum is a total animal lover, just like me and I know it probably seems silly but I would've loved to help with her, just to walk the dog together even, but I feel like I'd be overstepping?

 

He rang me up before and it was every second word was a swear word, which is just how stressed out he is, not cursing at me but about lawyers and accountants and medical expenses and work stuff and having to pay his parents bills. But, he did say he thinks he's sorted out a caregiver to help with his mum too so hopefully that'll help take some of the pressure of him? And apparently the doctors rang and there's some good progress with his dad so thank god for that.

 

I'm trying, honest.... It just was all so sudden. One moment we're in full blown honeymoon phase and spending all our spare time together, next minute this all happens and he's all stressed.

 

I'm really glad his dad is getting better. That's the best possible news even tho it might take a while, it's still the best news.

 

Reinventmyself, yeah I get you. , It was a bad choice of words on my part. It's been a bit stressful at my end too - nothing compared to what he, or YOU, are going thru, but to suddenly be the sounding board for all his frustrations, and actually feeling quite worried for him at times, and all I want to do is give him a hug and make it better but I can't.

 

Still I'm hopeful, maybe this will bring us closer if we can get through it, really I just hope it gets better soon.

[katrina1980]

I told him last night that I feel so sad and missing him, but I'm scared that will just stress him out more too, he said he feels trapped cos he has to look after his mum and he said he's missing me like crazy too, and that i'm the most amazing beautiful woman, but it's still so hard!! It is just such a horrible situation, it's so awful for him, and it's also so hard to be patient.

 

Hey sk, is this the same man you talked about in your last thread, from a few weeks ago?

 

If so, this is really heavy stuff to be dealing with as a couple dating only a few weeks.

 

If this were me, I would be putting any needs I have aside (and at only three weeks in, not sure how many needs I'd actually have anyway), and gently tell him if he ever feels the need to talk, vent or whatever, I'm here, but aside from that, leave him to deal with whatever he needs to deal with.

 

The timing here sucks but I don't see how you have much choice.

 

Have you guys discussed exclusivity (prior to this happening)? Again, it's such early stages, and I would heed his words quoted above that he's feeling "trapped." Which translated means, he feels stuck between being there for his mum and being there for you.

 

He should not be feeling like he needs to be there for you, this is the message you need to send him, he should not feel he has to worry about you at all.

 

At this early stage of the game, I would propose putting the RL on hold for now and revisit later once his life calms down and he's more emotionally ready and prepared to devote the time and energy to it.

 

Otherwise, you risk the whole thing blowing up due to the pressure it places on such a new relationship.

 

If your connection is as strong as you say it is, it will still be there when he's in a better emotional place.

 

JMO and what I would do.

 

Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out.

[smittenkittn]

this is really heavy stuff to be dealing with as a couple dating only a few weeks.

If this were me, I would be putting any needs I have aside (and at only three weeks in, not sure how many needs I'd actually have anyway), and gently tell him if he ever feels the need to talk, vent or whatever, I'm here, but aside from that, leave him to deal with whatever he needs to deal with.

Have you guys discussed exclusivity (prior to this happening)? Again, it's such early stages, and I would heed his words quoted above that he's feeling "trapped." Which translated means, he feels stuck between being there for his mum and being there for you.

 

He should not be feeling like he needs to be there for you, this is the message you need to send him, he should not feel he has to worry about you at all.

 

At this early stage of the game, I would propose putting the RL on hold for now and revisit later once his life calms down and he's more emotionally ready and prepared to devote the time and energy to it.

 

Otherwise, you risk the whole thing blowing up due to the pressure it places on such a new relationship.

 

If your connection is as strong as you say it is, it will still be there when he's in a better emotional place.

 

JMO and what I would do.

 

Good luck with everything, I hope it all works out.

 

Agreed its very heavy stuff so early in.

 

I did actually suggest calling it off, like you're suggesting, as he obviously has all this other stuff going on, but that just upset him and of course isn't what I really want to do anyway. And I actually felt awful for his reaction, like he said im the one positive thing in his life right now so I don't want to be that person who quits when he has a rough patch!

 

He didn't mean trapped between me and his mum, he meant his entire life has suddenly gone on hold. I just have to be patient I guess.

[reinventmyself]

I can't help but sniff out that the attempt to be generous and break up with him could have been an attempt to get reassurance from him. . At least to some degree.

 

Seeing I have my feet in the same fire, much like your bf, I'd be totally shaken if my bf thought he was being generous by offering to break up with me.

The point here is, the status of your relationship shouldn't be a concern for this young man when you consider the amount of stress he's under. In this moment relationship status is a non issue. He needs you to be his friend, first and foremost.

 

Unless it something you decide you can't deal with, dont bring it up. Table it for different time.

 

Can you do that?

[katrina1980]

Agreed its very heavy stuff so early in.

 

I did actually suggest calling it off, like you're suggesting, as he obviously has all this other stuff going on, but that just upset him and of course isn't what I really want to do anyway. And I actually felt awful for his reaction, like he said im the one positive thing in his life right now so I don't want to be that person who quits when he has a rough patch!

 

He didn't mean trapped between me and his mum, he meant his entire life has suddenly gone on hold. I just have to be patient I guess.

 

Just to clarify smitten, the only reason I suggested taking a step back, or putting things on hold for a bit, was because of the newness of the RL, only 3-4 weeks. And assumed the bond might be too fragile to handle something this intense.

 

Of course I would be a bit taken aback as well if my bf proposed such a break but we've been together eight months, our connection is strong.

 

But apparently I underestimated the strong mutual bond you have both developed after only a few weeks.

 

I agree, more than anything right now, he needs a friend. If he leans in for more, embrace that, but best you not be the one to push for.that.

 

Take care hon and good luck. Keep us posted.

[Wiseman2]

You should never let people do extreme emotion dumping on you like this. You are not a therapist, not the complaint department nor a punching bag. Get rid of this guy. He's too angry, too busy and too unavailable to date.

 

Why be on the other end of the phone listening to an almost stranger scream and curse at you about his horrible life and his frustrations? This is a huge red flag that he can not handle life or frustrations or situations very well. Unless you enjoy useless drama and someone cursing at you that his life sucks, get rid of this guy.

 

Hopefully you are not so desperate that you will sit by the phone "hoping it gets better and works out" when in reality all he does is uses you as a toxic waste dump for his frustrations.

I

He rang me up before and it was every second word was a swear word, which is just how stressed out he is, not cursing at me but about lawyers and accountants and medical expenses and work stuff and having to pay his parents bills. Still I'm hopeful, maybe this will bring us closer if we can get through it, really I just hope it gets better soon.