Was it assault?

[yatsue]

Without stirring the pots, guys. If I was scared of a man like that, I would be calling the police asap.

 

Obviously you can't physically toss a man out if he doesn't want to go, but ringing the police, or running out of the apartment and going to the neighbors for help...heck yes!!!!

 

No way would I be crawling back into bed and giving him more chances to attack me.

 

I'm not victim shaming what so ever, I am asking why she brought him home in the first place, and secondly, allowed him to stay once he became forceful.

 

If someone shows any sign what so ever that they are dangerous, you don't walk...YOU RUN!! And she could have left the apartment and yelled for help or called the police from another apartment, do whatever it takes to save yourself.

But you surely don't get back into bed with a predator right there with you?!?

 

This is what the public doesn't understand about abuse. Professionals in the field study the psychology of those who are abused and know it well. There is a specific dynamic between the abuser and the abused. In the case of a friend as the perpetrator, they have established a well defined sense of trust in their victim. It is a false sense of trust, but the victim does not know the difference. The abuser takes advantage when they feel like they can, after creating a good relationship.

 

Once they make their move, the victim has conflicting feelings. They trusted this person and don't believe their friend could ever intentionally harm them, even in the face of such a situation. It is part of the grooming process. Often, the victim cares about their friend, thinking what they're doing is a mistake, and doesn't resort to drastic action (calling police, using force, prosecuting, etc). It is complex. Thus, a simple answer such as "she should have done this and that, if she is being abused" is just that - too simple. There is a reason there are PSAs for sexual assault. Even the victims start to blame themselves, as seen here, due to poor knowledge about the psychology of sexual assault. It is less common for victims to just "run away". Sure, it happens, just not often because most abusers are people they know. Manipulation is a powerful tool.

[SherrySher]

Yatsue, then why are you telling another woman in another thread that has gone through trauma that she should just let her bf kiss her and basically shut up about it?

 

She is dating first time after trauma, very nervous but still being courageous. And you tell her to basically shut up and take it.

 

I don't take anything you've got to say seriously after the comments you made in that thread.

 

I won't railroad this thread, but I wanted to say, if you're going to blow your trumpet over "abuse" you should realize that you did well on upsetting that other woman when you made her feel that her feelings were not valid.

You essentially bullied her.

 

So please stop pretending that you stand up for women who have gone through this kind of trauma.

[itsallgrand]

Yes it's assault. I'd really encourage you to speak to someone who is a professional about it. You can often even do it over the phone, if you'd prefer that over in person. Talking to someone in person has its advantages though, as it's a human connection that is safe and non judgemental.

 

Usually a quick google search for your area is enough to find resources in your area.

[Batya33]

When I was assaulted he finally stopped trying to have sex with me after the third loud NO -he had my hands pinned behind my neck. Second date (well first date after first meet). And we then left his apartment together because he drove me home as planned (and behaved himself). I believe it was assault even though I let him drive me home (I was in a fog, didn't think about a car service and remember thinking how expensive that would be and hard to get that late at night, I think). He drove too fast and we didn't talk much but it was ok. Yes, it was not smart to let him drive me home. No, it wasn't a signal that I was ok with him trying to have sex with me without my consent. He went on to harass a number of my friends over the years.

[Batya33]

When I was assaulted he finally stopped trying to have sex with me after the third loud NO -he had my hands pinned behind my neck. Second date (well first date after first meet). And we then left his apartment together because he drove me home as planned (and behaved himself). I believe it was assault even though I let him drive me home (I was in a fog, didn't think about a car service and remember thinking how expensive that would be and hard to get that late at night, I think). He drove too fast and we didn't talk much but it was ok. Yes, it was not smart to let him drive me home. No, it wasn't a signal that I was ok with him trying to have sex with me without my consent. He went on to harass a number of my friends over the years.

 

I wanted to add that I did not report anything. I did warn my friends against him when I could. And I believe I reported him to Eharmony when he had a profile in which he was lying (again) about his age. It never really occurred to me to report to any authorities. I was in my 20s, happy to have gotten out of there without being raped.

[catfeeder]

You can debate the definition of assault, but how is that useful to you? Do you want to press charges?

[SherrySher]

That is true. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone else thinks or what our definitions of assault is. What matters is what you think and what you're doing to do with that information.

 

We can debate on if it was or wasn't or the degree to which is was, but only you can decide if you want to press charges or if you will seek counselling, etc.