Was I the one in the wrong?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent!! Kick him out and get a roommate to defray costs. All you need to do in this case is give him 30 days notice. It's that simple.

 

This way at 31 y/o at least you can have a decent life with a decent non-abusive, faithful man who wants a committed relationship and family.

 

😼 Not this verbally and mentally abusive stray cat who uses you and your house like a pit stop in between sex with other women and bars.

I cant move from my home as I'm the owner. I like my home.

[Moon777]

Again I know I am making excuses for him, as long as I don't bring up stuff that bothers me he is really nice (I am aware this sounds wrong) I am just trying to explain why we lasted so long. He only goes out once very 1 or two months, is not like he goes out every weekend. I was fine with it until the getting home very late going to night clubs started. I really don't think he had sex with another women, he is a clean freak and very phobic about diseases, he thinks he can get aids from mosquito bites and toilets. He is a very odd person and so am I. He is totally doing the gaslight thing but I am not sure he is entirely aware of this, I never talked to him about it.

I am starting to think maybe I'm better off alone, I think seeing a counsellor is a good idea I do need help with making up my mind. I don't mind about marriage, legally speaking I will be at loss if we get a divorce so I'm not very into the idea. At first neither of us wanted kids, then he told me he would do what I wanted. Now I am not sure if I really want or not, and I'm thinking about adopting (Doctors tell me that for me being pregnant it could be doable but risky) To me is not just about having kids is also how my health would be affected by it. As for what I expected of the relationship just grow old together. To me is very hard to find a person that I really care about, like I said I have my own issues.

Getting a roommate is out of the question as my home is a small one room apartment.

I used to tell my mom about the fights but I've been having some issues with her so lately I didn't talk to her about it.

[Hollyj]

So, you are okay with a relationship where you walk on eggshells, and are unable to speak your mind? Do you realize how wrong this is?

 

Even if he only went out once and stayed out till 9 AM, it is wrong. Who the hell stays out that late! He is cheating on you, and you need to wake up! You have zero boundaries.

 

Of course he aware of the gas lighting. Did you do more research.

 

So many excuses. This is your choice if you choose to live in this abusive situation. I cannot imagine living a lifetime with someone like this. He also sounds mentally unstable _ hitting himself.

 

"To me is very hard to find a person that I really care about," What is wrong with being on your own for awhile? Maybe then, you would realize that there are normal men out there.

[MissCanuck]

To me is very hard to find a person that I really care about, like I said I have my own issues.

 

You are not unique in that way. Plenty of people come with issues and trouble making connections. That should never be a justification to stay with someone who treats you this badly and wipes his feet on you. And abusers are generally good at playing really nice - until you do or say something they don't like. No abuser abuses their victim 24-7. The cycle of abuse is exactly what you describe: super nice and everything is fine until you step out of line. And, well, you know the rest, sadly.

 

And you better believe he knows he's gas-lighting you. That's why he does it. He's learned that if he acts out, throws a tantrum, hits himself - you will be falling all over yourself to apologize and make it alright again. I don't say that to knock you, as it's clear you are deeply in the fog of the abuse and afraid of this guy, but he is not oblivious to how he controls and manipulates you. This is why he freaks out when you ask where he is until 9 am. It's a deflection tactic so you stop asking questions and he can keep going out on the prowl; heck, he's even got you apologizing and telling him to go back to the club. See how well that works? He knows what he's doing; you are just now starting to figure it out.

 

Do you have any friends you can talk to at all? Does anyone know what he is really like?

 

This cannot be how you imagined your life. My heart is sad for you, because it sounds like you need a friend you can confide in and someone to lift you up and help you understand that none of this is normal and that your boyfriend is a low-life.

[figureitout23]

As someone who was in an abusive relationship, I completely understand your hesitation to people demanding you "get out now' its literally not that easy. You need to have a place to go, emotional and financial support, after 9 years you are going to need to be fully prepared to leave or you will be right back where you are because youll be left vulnerable.

 

NEVER make the decision to leave because someone else tells you to, it wont stick, trust me I know. YOU need to sit down and weigh your options and come to a personal conclusion of what your best options are.

 

Good luck.

[Hollyj]

As someone who was in an abusive relationship, I completely understand your hesitation to people demanding you "get out now' its literally not that easy. You need to have a place to go, emotional and financial support, after 9 years you are going to need to be fully prepared to leave or you will be right back where you are because youll be left vulnerable.

 

NEVER make the decision to leave because someone else tells you to, it wont stick, trust me I know. YOU need to sit down and weigh your options and come to a personal conclusion of what your best options are.

 

Good luck.

 

It's her house.

 

What compelled you to stay in that situation? Did you feel helpless? Did you have friends?

[figureitout23]

It's her house.

 

What compelled you to stay in that situation? Did you feel helpless? Did you have friends?

 

First off, the way she described it was that they moved in together not that he moved in to her home. Her later stating I cant move out of my own home, to me, was in reference to the fact that it is her home. I could be wrong but thats how I read it. Getting him to leave, is a different obstacle, but an obstacle nonetheless.

 

To answer the second part of your question about what compelled me to stay: fear, low self esteem, no where else to go, a desire to keep my family together, social stigma and denial.

 

Many abusive relationship aren't just getting beat and verbally berated on a daily basis, most follow the cycle of abuse: Tension building/acute violence/Reconciliation/honeymoon phase/calm and there is no rule of how long these phases last. My ex could go months without even touching me, then boom the cycle repeats.

 

Did I feel helpless? Not always, just like the OPer stated when they arent in disagreement about this specific issue, their relationship is quite normal, outside of the violence, my relationship was also quite normal. But when the abuse happened and I wanted to leave but had no where else to go? Absolutely, I felt helpless. I tried to leave, I even went to a domestic violence shelter after being convinced to by a female police officer, it was a horrible experience, it was dirty and depressing and the second my ex contacted me to apologize I ran back to him. It wasnt my decision, it was a heat of the moment, kneejerk reaction to being told I was in danger. Was I in danger? ABSOLUTELY! But I didnt believe it at the time!

 

Did I have friends? Yes, I was too ashamed to tell them.

 

The original poster told us in plain English, she has to process this information, before today she didnt even consider herself abused. My advice was based on that. My advise was respecting what she had to say, because you can be told over and over and over something, until you believe it, its not going to sink in.

[Hollyj]

Wow.

 

Yes. I was surprised that she thought she was in the wrong, when we can clearly see a sick dynamic. I think it is very sad to believe that this is as good as it gets, and that a life is led walking on eggshells. We should feel equal and comfortable with our partners, not fearing the next blow up and tear down. So many are so dependent on othe

rs without recognizing they have the strength to live on their own- there was a life before the abuser .

 

She did associate the gas lighting. But then tried to excuse it by asking if he were aware. Of course they are aware.

[figureitout23]

Wow.

 

Yes. I was surprised that she thought she was in the wrong, when we can clearly see a sick dynamic. I think it is very sad to believe that this is as good as it gets, and that a life is led walking on eggshells. We should feel equal and comfortable with our partners, not fearing the next blow up and tear down. So many are so dependent on others without recognizing they have the strength to live on their own- there was a life before the abuser .

 

You're right. But people who aren't even in abusive relationships don't always recognize the strength they have to be on their own. You've been on these boards long enough to know that.They should and it can be frustrating seeing someone endure pain to stay attached to something unhealthy but it happens. I'm not excusing it, just saying the average break up of an abusive relationship isn't an instant, 'Im abused, Im done'. That first step is recognizing then you have to have a genuine desire for it to end.

 

 

She did associate the gas lighting. But then tried to excuse it by asking if he were aware. Of course they are aware.

 

Not necessarily.

 

Im not going to lie, when I first read it my immediate reaction wasn't hes abusive. In my lifetime I've been around people who hit themselves when theyre angry. It wasnt abuse, it was literally a lack of having proper coping skills. That was my impression, then we learned he threatens suicide and this only happens during disagreements, that to me screams a lack of proper coping skills.

 

This guy isn't necessarily the typical move villain abuser who is sitting there rubbing his hands together as he emotionally manipulates her, its possible he does all this as a distraction because hes cheating, VERY possible, but I noticed she said they BOTH used to go out all night separately, all her friends got married so she no longer has the ability to go out causing her to latch onto him and she expects him to change his time out with his friends because she no longer has the ability to do the same. Hes ok with her tagging along but shes not comfortable doing so.

 

Instead of being adults and coming to a compromise, they argue and he gets angry and loses his sh*t, ABSOLUTELY wrong and unhealthy and not conducive to a healthy relationship, but again, I dont see this as a black and white thing where he for sure is doing all of this because hes a wannabe player who has a load of women hes cheating with. Its possible, but I think its also possible he doesn't handle conflict like an adult, just because youre in an adult relationship means you know how to act in one, and he does unhealthy and dangerous things.

 

Dont get me wrong my vote is for her to leave. I think long term this dynamic will do damage.

 

But SHE has to reach that conclusion and again I think its presumptuous to immediately label this guy as the movie style manipulative abuser based on the limited one sided info weve been given. Again, POSSIBLE, I just didnt get that impression.

 

Whatever the truth is though, she has to make a healthy decision for herself.

[SherrySher]

He even told me one day he is going to kill himself because of all of the restrictions I put on him.

 

What a damn baby!! He needs anger management asap and counselling.

 

You have every right as a grown woman to expect her partner to be at home and not carousing all night long at the clubs. I also strongly suspect that he is cheating. He is acting irresponsible and you shouldn't have to put up with it!

 

He can't be a decent partner whilst behaving like a frat boy and out drinking all night. In no way is that fair.

I personally would tell him it's over.

 

If you're too afraid too, get away from him as quickly as you can. Get help from a woman's shelter, your family and friends or whatever means you can.

No woman should ever have to live like this!!

[Hollyj]

You're right. But people who aren't even in abusive relationships don't always recognize the strength they have to be on their own. You've been on these boards long enough to know that.They should and it can be frustrating seeing someone endure pain to stay attached to something unhealthy but it happens. I'm not excusing it, just saying the average break up of an abusive relationship isn't an instant, 'Im abused, Im done'. That first step is recognizing then you have to have a genuine desire for it to end.

 

 

 

 

Not necessarily.

 

Im not going to lie, when I first read it my immediate reaction wasn't hes abusive. In my lifetime I've been around people who hit themselves when theyre angry. It wasnt abuse, it was literally a lack of having proper coping skills. That was my impression, then we learned he threatens suicide and this only happens during disagreements, that to me screams a lack of proper coping skills.

 

This guy isn't necessarily the typical move villain abuser who is sitting there rubbing his hands together as he emotionally manipulates her, its possible he does all this as a distraction because hes cheating, VERY possible, but I noticed she said they BOTH used to go out all night separately, all her friends got married so she no longer has the ability to go out causing her to latch onto him and she expects him to change his time out with his friends because she no longer has the ability to do the same. Hes ok with her tagging along but shes not comfortable doing so.

 

Instead of being adults and coming to a compromise, they argue and he gets angry and loses his sh*t, ABSOLUTELY wrong and unhealthy and not conducive to a healthy relationship, but again, I dont see this as a black and white thing where he for sure is doing all of this because hes a wannabe player who has a load of women hes cheating with. Its possible, but I think its also possible he doesn't handle conflict like an adult, just because youre in an adult relationship means you know how to act in one, and he does unhealthy and dangerous things.

 

Dont get me wrong my vote is for her to leave. I think long term this dynamic will do damage.

 

But SHE has to reach that conclusion and again I think its presumptuous to immediately label this guy as the movie style manipulative abuser based on the limited one sided info weve been given. Again, POSSIBLE, I just didnt get that impression.

 

Whatever the truth is though, she has to make a healthy decision for herself.

 

She said he fit the profile for the gas lighting.

 

I didn't think that the fact that he was hitting himself was abuse. I thought it was disturbing. I think that this dude has a lot of rage. The bit about the "suicide" is a classic manipulation to get her to stick around and feel sorry for him. I suggest you read the article that I attached.

 

I think that this guy is highly manipulative, abusive. and cheating, but that is my opinion.

 

It is up to her.

[Moon777]

I think figureitout23 understands how I feel. I need to give myself time to process all. I know background and past histories shouldn't be an excuse but is not like he comes from a normal background, he grew up in a home where violence is normal, and I've seen it (That's why I avoid seeing his family as much as I can) I do feel he tries to please his family as much as he can and then lashes at me at the wrong things. Like I said I was just asking for a compromise, could you be back around 6am and not 9? maybe not go to that club and go to bars? And he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one that should have achieved some kind of absolute blind trust by now. And by him not being aware of the gaslight thing, once he stood up to his brother because he has been selling all the stuff he left at his family home and keeping the money. He was absolutely right to be very upset. So his brother stops talking to him and even his parents start excluding him of every family event until he says sorry to his brother for lashing out at him and he didn't even got the money of the stuff his brother sold. He hitting himself is somehow triggering my ptsd and I feel like I can't cope. I also think that this relationship is taking too many spoons and I have taken on a big project that I feel if I want any chance at succeeding I should spend every spoon I have on it. I need to address one thing at a time. Of course if he ever hits me or threatens to do so he would be out of my home right away. Just to clarify I bought the apartment a few years after we started dating he did not give me any money so it's mine alone.

[Wiseman2]

The kind of mental abuse/ brainwashing you are going through is worse than a black eye, broken arm, etc. so why wait for that? Develop and exit plan mentally to get him out. That is what processing is all about.

 

You could have a happy, healthy normal life with someone who is not "lashing out" at you or "making you feel crazy". It's all about preserving your mental and physical health, not believing his pity stories as an excuse to abuse you. It sounds like you are afraid to be alone or find a decent guy.

he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one that should have achieved some kind of absolute blind trust by now. He hitting himself is somehow triggering my ptsd and I feel like I can't cope. I also think that this relationship is taking too many spoons. Of course if he ever hits me or threatens to do so he would be out of my home right away.

[Huncho Leo]

It's not fair to assume that he is doing drugs or cheating or anything like that, what is fair is realizing the situation around you and come to terms that he could be a pathological liar and even if you ever did catch him in the act he would deny it type of thing. but suicide and contemplating that is not a joke either, you are very smart for not just leaving a nine year relationship super quickly as the repurcussions might have been a little much to deal with. and keep in mind that just because you have a little bit of difficulty connecting with people doesn't mean that the perfect person isn't out there for you because they are! but i also dont think staying in this relationship will bring you any good. it is not your fault keep that in mind. when someone reacts violently to people pointing out there flaws it is because they can't even be honest with themselves to try and fix it. so they feel immensely uncomfortable when others point em out.

[Hollyj]

I think figureitout23 understands how I feel. I need to give myself time to process all. I know background and past histories shouldn't be an excuse but is not like he comes from a normal background, he grew up in a home where violence is normal, and I've seen it (That's why I avoid seeing his family as much as I can) I do feel he tries to please his family as much as he can and then lashes at me at the wrong things. Like I said I was just asking for a compromise, could you be back around 6am and not 9? maybe not go to that club and go to bars? And he makes me feel like I'm the crazy one that should have achieved some kind of absolute blind trust by now. And by him not being aware of the gaslight thing, once he stood up to his brother because he has been selling all the stuff he left at his family home and keeping the money. He was absolutely right to be very upset. So his brother stops talking to him and even his parents start excluding him of every family event until he says sorry to his brother for lashing out at him and he didn't even got the money of the stuff his brother sold. He hitting himself is somehow triggering my ptsd and I feel like I can't cope. I also think that this relationship is taking too many spoons and I have taken on a big project that I feel if I want any chance at succeeding I should spend every spoon I have on it. I need to address one thing at a time. Of course if he ever hits me or threatens to do so he would be out of my home right away. Just to clarify I bought the apartment a few years after we started dating he did not give me any money so it's mine alone.

 

It doesn't matter that he came from a violent background. Many who do, do not treat there partners in this manner. He could have chosen to seek help, but he has not. He strikes out at you.

 

Six AM is not a compromise. Do you realize that this is not normal in a relationship, or in general. Who the hell parties until 6 AM, unless you are 21. You are allowing yourself to be a doormat and he has taken full advantage. I do not know anyone that would be cool with their partner staying out late hours such as this.

 

He is fully aware of what he is doing (gas lighting) . People know when they are treating others like sh*t. he is not an idiot. He knows he is putting you down and manipulating you, and it is working. You have ALLOWED him to do all of this. And now, you have established this ridiculous compromise of 6 AM. If my partner did that, he would be out,

 

The emotional abuse is just as bad as the physical, as you can see how it has torn your self esteem to shreds. You do not value yourself and have no boundaries after being with this guy.

 

I I know you need to process this, but it makes me nuts when women excuse away an abuser's behavior. We have the power not to tolerate this garbage anymore - In your case, your own home.

 

I hope you will help yourself!

[figureitout23]

It's not fair to assume that he is doing drugs or cheating or anything like that, what is fair is realizing the situation around you and come to terms that he could be a pathological liar and even if you ever did catch him in the act he would deny it type of thing. but suicide and contemplating that is not a joke either, you are very smart for not just leaving a nine year relationship super quickly as the repurcussions might have been a little much to deal with. and keep in mind that just because you have a little bit of difficulty connecting with people doesn't mean that the perfect person isn't out there for you because they are! but i also dont think staying in this relationship will bring you any good. it is not your fault keep that in mind. when someone reacts violently to people pointing out there flaws it is because they can't even be honest with themselves to try and fix it. so they feel immensely uncomfortable when others point em out.

 

Yes.

 

This relationship doesn’t seem to be working anymore.

 

Whatever the reality of his reasons for doing what he does, at the end of the day, his reactions aren’t normal, and can alter your view of what a happy and healthy relationship is.

 

I will add though, I actually don’t think it’s fair that you feel you get to dictate the hours he spends out simply because your friends are no longer available, if you had no issue with it u til you were left alone that’s something to address, like someone else said after 8 years clearly everyone seems to be moving away from a lifestyle you two seemed to had been living. If he isng willing to change his lifestyle,that alone doesn’t make him a bad person, simply means there’s an incompatibility. his reaction to your request is what’s wrong, his refusal to change, well that’s purely subjective.

 

If you aren’t happy, if the relationship isn’t making you happy, you have a decision to make.

 

I wish you luck on your journey. You may stumble a bit but the end result will be worth it.

[Moon777]

I think everyone I know has grew out of that lifestyle, and he hasn't. Just to clarify he never got back at 9am or went to that kind of club when I was going out with my friends. I would still had a problem if he did. I always came back earlier than him and never went to that kind of place it just felt wrong to me. I don't want to feel like I'm entitled to tell him how many hours he spends out but from 9 pm to 9 am just doesn't feel right to me, like I wouldn't do that to him. I know I shouldn't excuse the abuse but it's been years of getting used of it. Of course my view of what's normal in a relationship is quite twisted by now, I will do things at my own time. Thank you for all the advice :)

[Wiseman2]

Will you feel the same when you're 41 or 51 and so on? Because this will just keep going along as it is now.

[figureitout23]

I think everyone I know has grew out of that lifestyle, and he hasn't. Just to clarify he never got back at 9am or went to that kind of club when I was going out with my friends. I would still had a problem if he did. I always came back earlier than him and never went to that kind of place it just felt wrong to me. I don't want to feel like I'm entitled to tell him how many hours he spends out but from 9 pm to 9 am just doesn't feel right to me, like I wouldn't do that to him. I know I shouldn't excuse the abuse but it's been years of getting used of it. Of course my view of what's normal in a relationship is quite twisted by now, I will do things at my own time. Thank you for all the advice :)

 

We used to each go out at night each with our own friends but now all my friends have families and is very hard for me to go out at night, we just do dinner. So, he started going out with his friends alone and I stay at home. This only happens one everyone or two months, he leaves at 9 pm so I have to eat dinner alone and he comes back between 8 and 9 am, I told him that this bothers me. I Asked if he could at least be back between 5 am or 6 am, he tells me I can't tell him at which hour he has to come back that looking at the watch and think at which hour he has to be back ruins his night.

 

That was his response, he has every right to his response. He is a grown adult, you dont have children, this is how he chooses to live his life. Unfortunately the way he chooses to live isn't conducive with a relationship. You can keep trying to force him to change and endure these insane interactions or you can decide you no longer want to live this way.

 

I dont think you were excusing abuse. I can tell based on your writing you don't really fully consider what hes doing as abuse so its not your main concern, it should be but its not. Your main concern is that he goes out. I bet you two have had some HUGE fights about this. I think you stay because you think he will change.

 

You've reached an impasse. The fork in the road is right in front of you.

 

Which way are you going to go?

[Hollyj]

OP, How old are you and your bf?

[Moon777]

For now I'm just going to wait and think about it. The way he reacts is whats bothers me the most. I'm 31 and he is 37.

[Hollyj]

He is 37 and stays out till 6 AM. I thought you guys were in your early 20's. Yikes.

[figureitout23]

For now I'm just going to wait and think about it. The way he reacts is whats bothers me the most. I'm 31 and he is 37.

 

Easy fix.

 

While you are weighing out your options avoid this topic.

 

You said he only does these things when this topic is brought up, Its doubtful you two will reach a compromise.

 

I think its safe to say you know your relationship needs reevaluation. While doing that leave this topic alone. Believe it is solved because it is, he told you, he isnt changing. You decisions going forward should be based on believing him, not on changing him.

 

I agree with holly, I also assumed late 20's at the oldest. Your lifestyles no longer mesh.

[Moon777]

I will, Thank you! :)

[MissCanuck]

He is 37 and stays out till 6 AM. I thought you guys were in your early 20's. Yikes.

 

Exactly.

 

I am the same age as him, and I don't think I've stayed out until 6 am in over a decade. And even then, it happened once in a blue moon. The fact that he does this with any regularity at this age, well, speaks for itself.

 

The only time I didn't come home until 9am was after waking up in someone else's bed. Where does he say he is until 9 am, OP? I assume clubs in your area have already been closed a few hours by then, no?