Ex broke up with me, and now wants me back...

[starrrr]

Ex is now trying to tell me that he never broke up with me because he stopped loving me, he says he thought it was best at the time since all we did was argue all the time....

 

This is after a month of NC...we've been talking a lot lately now about our situation and what happened...and it simply came down to the fact that we didn't communicate. He says he had felt pushed, and when that happened, he just pushed back...and broke it off.

 

And now i dont know if i should give him another chance or not...because it seems to me that if he really loved me and cared about me he would've stuck around instead of letting me go...and i just think about all the pain i put up with and emotions i went through, and it makes me not want to do it again...

 

But then again..i do love him sooooo much...he says he can respect the fact that i don't want to hook back up, and if we could just be friends...and that whenever he thought about us getting together he would "slap himself" so he won't hurt me anymore.....

 

But lately we have just been actin as friends...but even with just that we cross the borderline..I know if we acted just as 'friends' that we'll just end up acting like we're a couple, just without the label...

 

And i don't know if he deserves that much, why would i be nice and give him another chance...when he wasn't even thinking about how i felt when he broke up with me............he knew i was hurting. and just let it happen...

 

And this is the guy who says loves me? and is suppose to care for me??? Where was he when i was hurting...where was he when i needed him the most.....

 

Out somewhere thinking it was for the "best.." when he should've been by my side...

 

I know people make mistakes, but is giving it another chance really the best choice now? or is it not?

 

I fear i'll just end up getting hurt again.....

[freeindeed]

Are you in love with him? Do you think this is definitely the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

 

Because if there's even a slightest doubt in your heart, you'd better listen to it. I'm sure that there are times when guys will feel uncomfortable and under pressure where they'd rather just run away than deal with a situation, but remember that it can't be okay just to leave you whenever he feels that way. And, maybe I'm a skeptic, but I feel like if you take him back now, he may feel that that's okay to do. However, if you two have really talked about and made sure that you two will always communicate constructively, then maybe i'd give another go at it...slowly though!

 

Guard your heart until he can prove to you that he's not just going take the easy way out (and break your heart while he's at it) every time you guys hit a road block.

[RayKay]

You have to do what is right for you, if you feel too much risk for you in trying again, or don't think you can forgive what he put you through, then you need to do what is right for you.

 

 

If he shows a commitment to working things through, and you will always wonder 'what if' then you need to decide if it is worth another try - but you MUST make sure the issues that broke you up are/were addressed.

 

All I can say is there are others out there, but if you feel he is RIGHT and is the ONE for you...then it *may* be worth at least talking through. If you are not sure it is worth risk, then likely he is not the one for you, at least not now or anymore and you may be better of staying apart.

 

And you also need to basically "start over fresh"....which can be very hard for many couples to do again. It can be hard to let go of the past.

 

If you do choose to try again, you two will need to work on those communication skills - either with some extra help, or books, or just a better awareness together of what you both expect. Or you may end up back in same place.

 

It does sound like he does want to try again, and also understands he has to live with his previous choice if you feel you can't do it again. I say think about it, talk about it and move slowly if you do decide to try again. If you choose to remain friends only, set boundaries and DON'T fall into something you do not want, or lead him on.

 

Good luck whatever you choose, please keep us updated on what you choose and how it goes!

[chai714]

Help him to work for more affection. You can do this by giving him doubts about how you feel about him, because that will create and re-ignite passion. If you take him back right away, he will take you for granted and won't appreciate you. You can do this out of love, because the end result will be him loving you more and you two feeling a lot more appreciation toward each other. It's what I call, "loving manipulation." It can work, and the end result is always positive, so long as you have good intentions.

[starrrr]

Hey guys thanks for all the replies! I appreciate them..and boy u guys post fast...I LOVE IT.

 

But i would like to say that i am still in love with him, but i guess i kind of lost that trust that he won't hurt me...I mean i already had that fear in the beginning but overcame it because i loved him and the only way we were going to work was when i let my fear go...but then in the end, i do end up hurt...deep down and at this moment, i do feel he could be the one. I do feel that, and it scares me though just how strong it is...

 

And just knowing how strong i feel for him, is also how strong the kind of pain he can cause......

 

Help him to work for more affection. You can do this by giving him doubts about how you feel about him, because that will create and re-ignite passion. If you take him back right away, he will take you for granted and won't appreciate you. You can do this out of love, because the end result will be him loving you more and you two feeling a lot more appreciation toward each other. It's what I call, "loving manipulation." It can work, and the end result is always positive, so long as you have good intentions.

 

CHAI714, you do have a point there...i feel that i do want more affection from him, something to show me that he truly does want to be with me, no question asked, and that he won't bail out again when things get rough...i want him to prove it....how exactly i dont know..thats up to him..

 

But i don't know about the whole manipulation thing, it sounds to me like playing games, and that is the last thing i want to do...i'm tired of that...but then again you do say as long as i have good intentions...

 

And i do..also if i give him doubts about how i feel, it'll make him feel as if i've moved on...and then he'll try move on...

 

So I told him i did want to get back together and i still loved him, but i have doubts because i'm afraid of getting hurt again......and i finally told him that i just needed to take it slow...and still figure out what i really want...

 

This whole thing is even harder, because we're 3 hours apart...we have been doin the whole long distance thing for the last 7 months of our relationship...that had also put a strain in our relationship n did play a factor in his decision to break up with me....

 

But so far as time goes on that i don't hear from him or see him, it makes me feel that maybe i am okay without him...but i still don't know, ofcourse life moves on, but talking to him again has brought this old kind of happiness i only felt with him.......it seems this is one of those situations that in time, we'll just see what happens...

 

But i would like to say that i am in love with him...and i guess i just feel that he needs to prove it somehow that he is also....

 

And him jus sayin he wants me back doesnt seem enough...(and he has came to see me also..and written me letters, talked to me about it...etc..) but i dont know, it all still isn't enough for me.

 

Its complicated, because i dont even know what i'm lookin for to convince me to give him another chance....

 

I just feel that he's gotta do somethin to compensate for all the excruciating pain i went through, so it all wasn't just a waste...

 

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

[DN]

I

just feel that he's gotta do something to compensate for all the excruciating pain i went through, so it all wasn't just a waste...

 

Is it wrong for me to feel this way?

 

It is understandable but will not help you. All you may do is ignite the same problems that split you apart in the first place.

 

Also be careful about blaming him entirely for the break-up because he was the one who initiated it. Remember he did that despite that he loved you. The reasons that drove him to do that should be addressed and if you were at fault in any way you should take responsibility for it and try to fix it. It is too easy to view yourself as a victim and make him the bad guy without analyzing why both of you got it wrong. Finding a better way to communicate than arguing would be a good start. Chances are that he was not in the wrong in all those disagreements.

 

If you want to get back together this should be about both of you taking responsibility for what went wrong and both of you working to put it right. So don't assign blame inequitably, don't make him work for you without an equal amount of effort from you, and don't try to make him feel guilty or that he has to treat you extra special to make up for what he did. That will come back to bite you if you are not extremely careful.

 

And I think you are right that games are a bad idea. That too can come back to bite you. If you play hard to get he may decide not to play - he did decide that once before.

 

Good luck - I hope you are both happy very soon.

[Pips Estella]

If there's no new girlfriend, and no new boyfriend, and you still feel for him, then give it a shot...!

 

But take it slowly.

[Hope75]

I agree with DN in that if you are going to give this another shot you need to understand what split you up in the first place and work on it together instead of punishing him and assigning blame. Part of making the relationship work after a breakup is forgiving the person who did the dumping. This is hard to do, but esp. in a case like yours where the reasons seemed legitimate and both of you were at fault, you need to let go of the past in order to move forward with each other.

 

You will have to start fresh, and learn how to really listen to each other, and talk about issues as soon as they arise. This is not about making him work harder for you, it's about both of you working harder for the ultimate goal, a healthy relationship.

 

If you feel you truly can let go of past mistakes, learn and grow from them together, and truly have love for one another then I think you have a good chance.

[starrrr]

DN is right, all of you guys are right...and i guess i needed him to tell me that....

 

It is hard to FORGIVE him...because i did what i could to save our relationship, i talked to him, i tried to communicate with him...but he was already at a point he didn't seem to care anymore...

 

I guess we both felt we were each being a victim...

 

But i guess i'm also just denying what i really feel...that i do love him and i do want to be with him......its a wonder how still now after everything he still makes my heart skip a beat just talking to him...and i'm just all smiles when we're on the phone...

 

But that's only after we have talked bout it, what happened...there's still a lot i believe that needs to be discussed...

 

I do feel that this "break up" was good for us because it's allowed me to step back and get a hold again of reality, and not be so caught up in the tangle we got ourselves in...I'm more able to be open and be up front with him more than ever since i feel i dont have anything to lose anymore, and thus allowing me to communicate more effectively..now i do see the importance of just letting him know what i feel and not expect him to "read my mind" or anything...

 

I just hope we keep it up, and not take things for granted again...

 

Wow, thanks guys, cuz i wont do the whole waiting for him to prove crap. But at the same time i'm not just going to run into his arms right away...

 

Im going to take it slow...the distance helps on that. But yea, i've decided that we will just start over again..."start fresh."

 

wish me luck!

[DN]

Think positive - "love will conquer all!!"

 

You have a great attitude about learning from mistakes and taking advice well. If you can use that in putting this relationship back together you will be fine.

[DN]

I wrote this to someone about how to comminicate to a partner what you need in a non-confrontational way. It may help you.

 

"People move towards comfort and away from pain. So when you want someone to do something, particularly when you are in a relationship with some one it is much better to get what you want or get them to do what you want by making it about you rather than them.

 

When you talk about your relationship make sure you start by talking about the positive aspects as well as the negative, pay him compliments for what he did well. Then address the negative as problems to be solved by both of you working together to please each other rather than attack one another. No recriminations but a desire not to hurt again.

 

My advice is to ask him to talk with you about the relationship Do not say, "We need to talk". When guys hear that from girlfriends, they know what it really means is "I need to talk and you have to listen" and they run for the hills by either retreating into silence or start pushing back. So don't do that.

 

In general, if you say to someone: "You don't do (whatever)" this is perceived as an attack. But if you say, "When you do (whatever) it makes me feel good/wanted/warm and fuzzy/insert positive emotion of choice" then that is seen as a request for help - it is not an attack.

 

So when you are talking to him about what you want do so in a way that is not seen as an attack (pain) but in a way that makes him want to please you (pleasure).

 

Think about the things that you want from him, what you want him to do for you, and phrase them in a way that he will not see as a criticism but as a request. Don't say, in effect: "you are a bad boyfriend because you don't do this, or you do that!!" because that will cause him pain and he will react with anger. Instead, say, "I feel lonely and hurt when you say that (or do that)" That way you are not so much attacking him as asking him to help you by not hurting you.

 

Remember that if you push someone, physically or emotionally they will either withdraw from you or push back. So don't do that. Lead him, by example, into a new way of communicating: negotiate don't demand. Compromise, don't be unyielding. Talk rationally not emotionally about problems. Recognise that he has a point of view – he is not immature because it is not the same as yours. Ask him to help you put the relationship back where it was when you were both happy. Identify what makes both of you unhappy and work together to get those problems fixed. "

[starrrr]

thanks again for all the advice...

 

but you guys...i just made a fool of myself. This whole time i've been thinking he wanted to get back together, but really he just wants to be "lovers and friends" and not a "couple."

 

Basically he just wants to be f^ckbuddies, is what i said...But i could've sworn i heard him say he wanted to get back together..that he wanted to hook up again...

 

But i guess i've heard it wrong, i've been hearing what i wanted to hear, it seems...

 

How could i have been soo stupid?!?

 

Can you guys believe that? He really got me good too..writin me "gushy" letters, tellin me he "loves me..", that he misses me...

 

He says he wants to be friends and "lovers"..like Lil Jon and Ludacris says.."lovers and friends..." This was after i told him that i made up my mind that i wanted us to be more than friends, that i wanted to start all over again and work on our relationship...and then that's when the confusement started...that's when he basically said "hold on...you're moving too fast..." and that that wasn't what he had in mind.....i was thinking one way, while he was completely thinking something else...

 

 

I was right all along..our relationship didn't work because he didn't love me as much anymore...not like how it used to be..this just proves it.

 

But after the shock...i'm really not that surprised..

My heart officially has been ripped apart, shred to pieces, chewed on, spat out, and stomped all over....

[iamonlyhuman]

I am going through the same thing with my ex, he broke up with me a 11 days ago, been together 4 yrs, i have been doing mind gym since and it has helped me to focus on myself and also this site has helped tremendously!

However my ex called me yesterday out of the blue, saying he found out i got a new job and i had changed, i had become more confident and more happy. He found this out from my friend who she said apparently called him up to talk about why we broke up... he said the conversation made him think what a grave mistake he made, and how he lost the girl who he should have grown wrinkly with!

 

he was crying on the fone to me last nite saying how he was thinkin about me the last 3 days and a letter which i wrote him a while ago about us he couldnt stop reading coz it made him open his eyes.... then he went on about a dream he had and i was init and i was in pain. Basically he said he wants to be with me but now i have gone, and i have a new life without him....

 

he wanted me to see him last nite, so i agreed, i didnt let him in to my flat , i met him in the car park, we chatted abit, i didnt give any of my feelings away that i still loved him, i just let him talk and i simply agreed... we reminicesd abit but there was not an ounce of bad vibe... I acutally thanked him for letting go of me because it made me change for the best, and i told him, he should deal with HIMSELF now!

 

I know he felt i had changed and he was trying to squeeze my true feelings out of me but i didnt say once that i love him and need him, i did say i loved him so much but life goes on!.. conversation was mature....

 

He lookedlike he hadnt slept for years, his beard was overgrown and he looked thin, he also said he is sooo confused becasue his mum never will except me and shes ill, and she keeps using emotional blackmail on him, sayin that if he sees me she will disown him..

 

I know he is so confused and i said he needs to go away and get his head together, and we can chat from time to time as friends ONLY.

 

he said ok in a with the saddest look ever, i got out of his car and siad bye without saying sweety like i would have but by his name! i didnt look back at him once, then he drove off...

 

30mins lata at about 3 he sent a text saying good luck wiv your new job, and focus on your future... then he put LOVE .......

 

I know he wanted me to respond but i didnt, and i have a feeling he will call me today... i just do.... i dont know how to be with him! what dod i do??

 

i dont wana act like a totally think he is scum...

 

I dont know whether this is fake but physically he looked in pain, i am a caring person but i feel he will do summin silly to himself, its ironic how i was feelin like this days ago, howvever he didnt care as much....its just soo hard....but i am still staying focused on me and my life but i just dont wana appear to be heartless you know?

[bungalowone]

im considering writing a letter to my ex...we've had no contact for a little less than 2 weeks...since it happened...what was the tone of the letter...im just contemplating and dont really know what to do...we were together for three years...he's the one that broke it off...

[iamonlyhuman]

i think you should write him a letter, thats my personal opinion, letters tend to sink in better especially if its not pleading and begging.

 

i think the letter should start off asking how he is, about practical things like did he sell his car, then how u care for him and show that you understand his reasons for breaking up, talk about the old days and how he used to be and complement how he used to act.... avoid any form of negativity..end the conversation by telling him what u are doing such as starting the new job, going on holiday...(when i told him about the holiday planned for nxt week, he was like frantic) but anyway, just sound happy mainly and happy for him but always talk about how u used to be when you were together and complement how he used to treat you, eg. if he bought u something special, bring it up!

 

You send it at what you think is the right time, normally when you know he might not be busy.

 

SIGH* oh the trials and tribulations of relationships.....

[DN]

What did you say when he first told you he wanted to get back together - or at least what impression did you give him. Not what you said when you said you wanted to start over, but immediately he said that?

[iamonlyhuman]

this is to Starrr, can i just say u made abit of a mistake telling him you want to be more than friends, damm thats too soon to say stuff like that...i think thats why he has gone into confusioin mode! also saying you wana WORK on the relationship, i dont think he would like the sound of WORK, it sounds tiring probably to him...and its like you are telling him what he has to do.... i think you should have told him that abit later on after you have played alittle hard to get....i duno thats my 2 cents anyway.....I really wish you luck girl!

[starrrr]

Thanks guys again for all the replies..it really helps reading them..

 

But its okay now, i've decided i'm not going to hope for us to get back together or anything anymore. I've come to accept that he is not the one for me, and i am not going to waste any more of my efforts in trying to rekindle any sort of romantic relationship between us. We tried it and it didn't work...simple as that.

 

I have decided that i am able to be just friends with him, but this was only after i have accepted that he's not the one for me. It's completely changed my perspective of him and just the relationship we have with each other. I accept he doesn't want to be with me, if he truly did then he wouldn't have gotten "scared" or whatever after just hearin me say that i'm willing to be more than friends and to work on our relationship. If he really wanted to be with me, he would've been glad to hear that...

 

But he doesn't want it to be exactly how it use to be, us being a couple....instead he just wants us to be good friends..Besides, i believe deep down that we're not going to work out anyway in the long run due to certain circumstances in each of our lives...we're both headed in different directions anyway.

 

This is just too much drama for me, and i am tired of it. I'm young, and i need to put my efforts else where instead of this hopeless desire for us to be together. I just keep getting disappointed, and i'll take it as it's just not meant to be. I can't say i didn't try...that's all i can do. But i am okay now, it's been a couple of months since we had broken up and i've come a long way from then. So i am takin this much better than i thought..

 

We have been talkin on the phone just as real good friends, and it's great. I actually don't feel any remorse towards him or anything...I accept it, and there's no point in being bitter.

 

For me to "end my misery and the pain, is to end my wants and desires..."

 

And that's what i've done. The distance between us really helps in moving on...I feel i'm there already...i just hope i keep it up!