Girlfriend messaging work colleague all day

[SURPRISE]

My wife started having some kind of fantasy relationship with a guy online when she had an alcohol problem (this might be part of your problem) I had no idea this was going on for 6 months. When I found out checking up on her facebook account because I thought something was wrong, I confronted her and all hell broke loose in my life. She woke up out of her delusion and stated that she did not know why she did that and that she wanted to be with me. She had met him on a girls trip to Vegas and apparently he kissed her when she was drunk. Having been burned before I was really close to leaving. If it were not her trying to make up for it, giving up all privacy and working on our relationship, there is no way I could have stayed with her even though I have two kids with her. Fast forward 6 years and I could not be happier even though I struggle time to time when something reminds me of that bad time. I say, confront to find out where you stand. If she's not willing to give up her privacy and or does not want to be with you, then you have to move on no matter how much it hurts. Transparency is the only road to redemption.

[superfan]

She's decidedly cheating emotionally. I wouldn't worry about the fact that you looked at her phone - you've got bigger problems.

 

Personally I would put a stop to any efforts to have a child right now for a number of reasons. You definitely don't need to be married to have a committed relationship or to have kids with someone, but her actions do not suggest that she's ready for children or a deep commitment.

 

Most women hold off on drinking for examine when trying to conceive or at least they cut back. They don't get blinding drunk and pass out

 

If it were me I would cut my losses.

[MissCanuck]

I'm always suspicious why people would wait 5 plus years to tie the knot. If you haven't done it within 10 years then something is and has been wrong. Now you know what it is. Sometimes people get too comfortable in the relationship to leave, like they like the person but not really in love then when someone comes along who pushes the right buttons, well that's all it takes for some to cheat.

 

To be fair, marriage isn't the end goal for all couples. OP has stated that neither he nor his girlfriend like the idea of legally marrying, and really, a marriage certificate is not what ultimately keeps a person committed to their partner.

[catfeeder]

Most women hold off on drinking [...] when trying to conceive or at least they cut back. They don't get blinding drunk and pass out

 

This ^^. I'd avoid dealing with her while she's nursing a hangover. I'd skip raising her phone messages directly unless that needs to come up later in the conversation. I'd just tell her that I want her to let me know when she's ready to discuss her relationship with the coworker, but I want her to think it through before we talk about it.

 

Then I'd listen and hear what she has to say. I'd avoid asking questions or influencing what she wants to tell me. I'd allow for silences to prompt her to keep telling me more until she's done.

 

I'd learn where she stands with me, where she wants to stand going forward, and I'd need to think it through and decide for myself where I want to stand with her.

 

I don't auto-subscribe to the 'emotional affair' stuff. I'd want to know whether the two have ever exchanged body fluids and if not, whether that's where she wants to go with the guy.

 

You are the only one in this thread who's read the messages, so you already have more info than any of us. How much of a relationship do you believe she's had with the guy, and do you consider anything you read as disloyal to you?

[Rdunsany]

I am surprised by the amount of folks who are working at the "unmarried" part of this post. Lots of people can be and are in long term committed relationships, including with kids, without being married. I'm divorced now, but I was married for almost 14 years. I hold no bad feelings towards the institution of marriage, but could really take it or leave it at this point in my life. If I was committed to someone for the long haul and marriage was important to them, I would definitely do it for them. But I don't need it. I'd be happy with that dedication and commitment. It doesn't need to have a ring on it. And, especially in the post-divorce dating world of those in their 40's, there's lot of people who feel the same.

 

The advice offered originally by MissCanuck is definitely solid. Sit her down calmly and ask about this guy. She'll probably start with "oh he's just some guy from work." Once she realizes you've seen the texts or just know you suspect something further, she'll likely try to spin it, probably well past the point of believability. I had a situation the other day where I discovered my son had a "secret" instagram account (it wasn't as awful as it may seem and it was okay once we talked through it). But he denied it was his up and down when I found it, even though the profile picture was HIM. I was like "you are my son, I know your face better than my own." Yet, confronted with this irrefutable evidence, he still tried to deny it. Now, he's young, but adults will do the same thing. So be prepared to be told some BS before it gets to the heart of the matter.