I'm one of those who loves way too deeply...

[Hollyj]

I don't find these comments offensive at all. Actually I deeply appreciate you all for openly sharing your thoughts.

 

Now I'm just wondering how can we love ourselves? We don't even know who we are, others show us. We need to love each other! Why do I need to set boundaries if love has no boundaries? I just truly love other people for who they are. They just get scared of the unknown, then leave. What is self esteem when you have no self? If you are selfless? Each time I love someone that person thinks I need something from them. They just think I want to change them because everyone wants to change you. I want to change people sometimes but I'll be willing to stop if somebody would just tell me. We are not aware of our own behavior that's why we need each other to love.

 

That is not what the expression means: it means that love should be limitless.

 

Everyone must have boundaries or you will be walked on. No one appreciates or respects a doormat.

[Batya33]

Is there anyone else out there who simply loves and cares way too much? How do you live with the people who just don't get it, or the ones who take advantage it?

 

My confession is: I could never just let go of someone. I always stayed untill it hurts me and then stayed even longer. I even feel sorry for ***holes because I believe everyone has something amazing. I stay in relationships and just keep giving it everything I got. Is that not enough? Let me give you my kidney too. Do you want my soul? No problem! I just don't know how, why or when to stop. Unlike many who have this (the majority of them seems to be females) I am a male who has emotions that go deeper than the Mariana Trench. It scares people because they don't know about it at all. Some people seem to understand me a little bit, only after I tried to explain in 1001 different ways just how my emotions don't have an on/off button. I truly believe I should become an actor really because drama comes so naturally to me. Although others often like to call it drama, I like to call it expression...

 

Do you feel the same? How do you deal with all this in your life? What obstacles do you come across in life?

 

I don't think this is about loving too deeply as much as it's about not loving yourself enough and not having healthy boundaries in a relationship. Also people can get overwhelmed by someone who acts on feelings by constantly giving - - often people want space so that it's more reciprocal and they are given a chance to reciprocate.

Loving is giving and giving in the way other people are comfortable receiving -or wanting to have the person feel comfortable in his/her own skin. Do you give to yourself, too?

[Hollyj]

I don't find these comments offensive at all. Actually I deeply appreciate you all for openly sharing your thoughts.

 

Now I'm just wondering how can we love ourselves? We don't even know who we are, others show us. We need to love each other! Why do I need to set boundaries if love has no boundaries? I just truly love other people for who they are. They just get scared of the unknown, then leave. What is self esteem when you have no self? If you are selfless? Each time I love someone that person thinks I need something from them. They just think I want to change them because everyone wants to change you. I want to change people sometimes but I'll be willing to stop if somebody would just tell me. We are not aware of our own behavior that's why we need each other to love.

 

Sounds like you are choosing the wrong people.

[IAmFCA]

Someone once said We can love everyone. The question is, from what distance?

 

Love, without subjecting yourself to pain that rightly belongs to others, by calibrating your distance/proximity.

 

I have a sibling who I keep at a distance and another whom I hold close, and neither as close as my best friends. I love my siblings equally, but I limit my exposure to them according to my risk of feeling imposed upon, or perhaps, my risk of overextending myself.

[Jonagoldappl]

I totally understand! Limiting contact is necessary to avoid taking over their pain as if it's your own and suffer for them...

[Wiseman2]

If you had more boundaries in place and knew where you end and they begin, you wouldn't have to limit or avoid anything. You could employ appropriate empathy/compassion without overstepping.

 

There are plenty of people and professions that have to deal with people's pain and suffering every day. They would not be able to do the fine work they do if they did not have these boundaries in place.

 

It may be time to reflect on what you are avoiding in your own life and replacing with this fascination for other people's problems. Why not volunteer and help the people who could use help.

Limiting contact is necessary to avoid taking over their pain as if it's your own and suffer for them...

[catfeeder]

Now I'm just wondering how can we love ourselves? We don't even know who we are, others show us.

 

I believe in the opposite: people show us who THEY are. It's our job to learn who WE are and to honor our purpose as we define it at any given moment.

 

That's how we love ourselves AND others. When our primary purpose is to spiral upward through degrees of self love, we will flow the natural extension of that love to others. It's cyclical: we learn love and respect and forgiveness by giving it to ourselves first, and this teaches us HOW to respect and love and forgive others. It's not lip service, it's experiential.

 

Anything short of that is neediness using others to feel validated. That's not love, it's something else.

 

We need to love each other! Why do I need to set boundaries if love has no boundaries? I just truly love other people for who they are. They just get scared of the unknown, then leave. What is self esteem when you have no self? If you are selfless? Each time I love someone that person thinks I need something from them. They just think I want to change them because everyone wants to change you. I want to change people sometimes but I'll be willing to stop if somebody would just tell me. We are not aware of our own behavior that's why we need each other to love.

 

Love respects the limits of others and does not smother anyone. Our job is to become self aware to avoid suffocating those we claim to love.

 

Nobody wants involvement with someone who loses themselves or owns no sense of Self in the 'name of' love. People want equals--sensible equals who demo self respect. Without self respect there can be no respect from others, because they can't trust your judgment.

 

So we get to decide whether to maintain and defend the senselessness of a bottomless pit, or we can do the work of learning to adopt mature discretion in our choices and behaviors.

 

Emotions follow behaviors--not the other way around. So self teaching isn't about waiting until we 'feel' strong enough to behave in self respectful ways. We adopt healthy behaviors first, and from these we learn how our emotions will align with those behaviors over time.

 

Head high, and consider working with a professional who is trained in this stuff. You will thank yourself later.

[IAmFCA]

I totally understand! Limiting contact is necessary to avoid taking over their pain as if it's your own and suffer for them...

 

To keep that from happening it may be helpful to use your inner voice to talk yourself through the logic of a different choice, as in, for example: "That's about her, not me. She owns that. Her path requires she experience that dynamic fully and find her own solution. Therefore I will stay on my side of it. I will stay on the shore while she is in the water, because its HER river. "

[Batya33]

I totally understand! Limiting contact is necessary to avoid taking over their pain as if it's your own and suffer for them...

 

You're not doing any good for the other person or yourself. Think of the airplane rule - put on your own oxygen mask yourself before you put one on your child. What catfeeder wrote is very true.

[Jonagoldappl]

I appreciate all these comments (thanks catfeeder for your detailed explanation). I guess this was 1001 ways to say the same thing, but I think I get it now. I tend to be quite stubborn. Perhaps I need some kind of specialist to help me get this in my system but all of these were really, very helpful insights! It may take some time but I'll have to do this :)

[troo2]

Surround yourself with positive people who support you and bring joy to your life.

 

Otherwise you will just be dragged down and have all the energy sucked from you.

 

Life is too short and if you REALLY want to help others, think about this ...

 

You first have to love yourself before you can love others. Once you are overflowing with optimism and joy, you will only then be able to bring this into the lives of other people and brighten up their day as well ;)

 

I actually started to un-follow people from my social network who are not positive, supportive, or bring joy to my life. My life is a drama-free zone and I still am always available to help and reach out to anyone in need, but I first need to make sure I'm living in a positive state....

 

If you like reading, I really suggest the book Awaken the Giant Within by Tony Robbins....

[catfeeder]

You first have to love yourself before you can love others. Once you are overflowing with optimism and joy, you will only then be able to bring this into the lives of other people and brighten up their day as well ;)

 

I agree that this is the ideal state for meeting new people and forming relationships. However, a constant joy ride isn't possible through all of life's bumps and bruises. This is why our behaviors are key to driving our emotions.

 

I went into a high anxiety state for at least a year after losing my home and its contents after a hurricane. I needed to move and start over AND keep my job. I also wanted to maintain my relationships and my sanity. So I opted to behave the opposite of 'needy'. I was exhausted most of the time, and not exactly in a position to spread joy. But I learned a different way to operate: I quietly offered my participation in the lives of others. I didn't entertain or put on a show of brightness, I just showed up. I listened. I helped friends and family and neighbors with yard work or errands or shopping or meal prep--all without discussing my own problems or emotional state.

 

I had never been THIS good of a listener before. I realized that being a 'day brightener' is often trying too hard. Sometimes just showing up can build the kind of bonds that hyper-enthusiasm can miss. Learning how to just be present for others is not only enough, but it can often be a far better bridge for heart-bonding than anything else.

 

The opposite of neediness doesn't need to be an overflow of abundance, but rather the kind of balance that simply allows yourself and others to just BE.

[journeynow]

I was exhausted most of the time, and not exactly in a position to spread joy. But I learned a different way to operate: I quietly offered my participation in the lives of others. I didn't entertain or put on a show of brightness, I just showed up. I listened.

Yes, recognizing and respecting your needs and taking care of your self is a form of loving yourself. Sometimes it does not come across as overflowing optimism and joy.