Confused and Blindsided

[missmaam]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He's 34 and I'm 28. Back in January I was diagnosed with herpes. The day I found out, I immediately called him after I got off of phone with the doctor. Of course I'm angry, confused and just about everything else you can think of because I hadn't slept with anyone but him since we'd been together and I had a MILLION questions. Long story short, he consoled me, assured me he hadn't stepped out on our relationship, told me we were gonna get through this together and he's not going anywhere, and brought up the fact that maybe it was him who was carrying the disease and just never knew. Either way, it made me feel better to know he didn't think of me as some disgusting person after hearing that news. I advised him to go to the doctor and get himself checked out (he doesn't like doctors and hadn't been to one in since we've been together) and told him I would come with if he wanted me to but he never made an appointment.

 

Fast forward 7 months later, I get a call early in the morning (I was still sleeping) from him with an attitude saying that he was having an outbreak. I haven't had an outbreak since the initial one in January and I have medication to keep it that way. He then proceeds to say that he hasn't slept with anyone but me since we've been together and tried to imply that I stepped out on him or that its my fault this is happening to him or I did him wrong. Its super early in the morning so not only am I half asleep but I'm just confused as to why he's talking to me this way when this is an issue we'd already discussed. He then proceeded to hang up in my face 2 times after this. While I understand all of the emotions that come with an initial outbreak, what I don't understand is how he can have the audacity to act as if I did something to him when this is an issue he's known about for months, and especially after all of the things he said back in January. Any advice on how to deal with this is greatly appreciated.

[gustavklimt]

I'm very sorry but it sounds like he's just deflecting to push the guilt off of him for having cheated. You clearly know for sure you didn't cheat and the herpes did not come from you. Herpes shows up pretty soon after initial contact from my understanding; to me it sounds like his anger could be coming from a place of him trying to convince himself that he's innocent. He definitely should not be pointing fingers at you.

[Wiseman2]

Don't discuss it with him any further. You had your diagnosis disclosed it to your partner and that's all you need to do. The medication prevents outbreaks but not transmission.

 

Don't accept blame or place blame. It's quite common and often symptoms can be mild or asymptomatic or misinterpreted as a rash or flu or UTI etc.. He or you could have had it for years before meeting. Yet, you both claim you were clean as a whistle before dating and faithful during dating, but neither of you were tested before? So that is a physical impossibility.

 

The trust issues are another problem in themselves. So is the blame game and lack of correct knowledge. This event is not about 2 people who have had HSV outbreaks while dating, it's about lack of handling things intelligently and over-reacting to what is upsetting but not worth attacking each other over.

Long story short, he consoled me, assured me he hadn't stepped out on our relationship I get a call from him with an attitude saying that he was having an outbreak. I haven't had an outbreak since the initial one in January and I have medication to keep it that way.

[annie24]

Welcome to ENA. It's impossible at this stage to figure out who gave herpes to whom. Herpes can lay dormant in your body for a long time and then have an outbreak out of nowhere. Or if he's stressed or something otherwise, it could have cropped up. I don't think he deserved to talk to you like that, especially because you already told him back in January. He's being a jerk about it. I hope he calls you later to apologize.

[missmaam]

Don't discuss it with him any further. You had your diagnosis disclosed it to your partner and that's all you need to do. The medication prevents outbreaks but not transmission.

 

Don't accept blame or place blame. It's quite common and often symptoms can be mild or asymptomatic or misinterpreted as a rash or flu or UTI etc.. He or you could have had it for years before meeting. Yet, you both claim you were clean as a whistle before dating and faithful during dating, but neither of you were tested before? So that is a physical impossibility.

 

The trust issues are another problem in themselves. So is the blame game and lack of correct knowledge. This event is not about 2 people who have had HSV outbreaks while dating, it's about lack of handling things intelligently and over-reacting to what is upsetting but not worth attacking each other over.

 

 

Thanks for your input! I'm not saying that either of us has a squeaky clean past. When it happened initially, I had a very extensive conversation with my doctor about it and also did my own research and I'm well aware that the medication only prevents breakouts. Him and I did come to the conclusion that either of us could have had it before we got together and there's no way for us to pinpoint the origin. I'm just confused as to why he was coming at me as if this issue was new information to him when we had a long talk in January about how we were gonna move forward in our relationship. I also sent him the research I had found so that he could educate himself as well (not sure if he actually took the time to read it or not). And I completely agree that this is not worth attacking each other over. My first instinct was to offer him some medication that I had if he wanted it but he couldn't see past his anger enough to let me get it out of my mouth.

[annie24]

Does he usually act like this when you have a fight?

[missmaam]

Does he usually act like this when you have a fight?

 

Depending on the situation yes. He'll play the silent game for a while but after he takes time to reflect, he usually comes back around the same day or the next. However, this situation is different since it involves health and he takes GREAT pride in his health and body so I'm not sure what the outcome will be. I just know that when I let him know I didn't appreciate how he was accusing me, he acted as if I had no right to feel that way and I did this to him. We haven't spoken since he hung up on me the second time.

[Wiseman2]

Do not give him medication. You're not a physician nor pharmacist so it is illegal to dispense prescription medication. Do not console him, send articles or treat him as a patient. He refused to see a physician so that is his problem not yours.

 

Also by doing all this you in effect are accepting blame, responsibility, etc. when in fact he or you or both could have had it sitting dormant for years.

 

You called him up demanding answers and he had to reassure you he wasn't cheating, so he counterattacked now. Sad story of reacting, over-reacting, distrust and lack of facts. Leave him alone to stew and ponder whether to see a physician and cool down and inform himself in his own way.

I'm just confused as to why he was coming at me as if this issue was new information to him. My first instinct was to offer him some medication that I had if he wanted it but he couldn't see past his anger enough to let me get it out of my mouth.

[missmaam]

Do not give him medication. You're not a physician nor pharmacist so it is illegal to dispense prescription medication. Do not console him, send articles or treat him as a patient. He refused to see a physician so that is his problem not yours.

 

Also by doing all this you in effect are accepting blame, responsibility, etc. when in fact he or you or both could have had it sitting dormant for years.

 

You called him up demanding answers and he had to reassure you he wasn't cheating, so he counterattacked now. Sad story of reacting, over-reacting, distrust and lack of facts. Leave him alone to stew and ponder whether to see a physician and cool down and inform himself in his own way.

 

Thats exactly what I'm doing now is leaving him alone because I know this is new and it is probably difficult for him to come to terms with, just as it was for me. I just hope it doesn't drag out to a "days long" situation because its unnecessary and will put strain on our relationship, which has been pretty good up until this point.

[Wiseman2]

Let him reach out to you. Ball's in his court. A few days or more for everyone to cool off is fine. There is already a strain and signs that conflicts aren't handled well. That may be something to reflect on while he chews on and processes his own reactions and issues.

I just hope it doesn't drag out to a "days long" situation because its unnecessary and will put strain on our relationship, which has been pretty good up until this point.

[jimthzz]

OK, who knows who gave it to whom? and yeah, he reacted like a jerk. But some people, and I'm not excusing his reaction, react differently when an annoying and/or painful flare up is happening where it happens.

 

His reaction may or may not point to some cheating episode.

[missmaam]

OK, who knows who gave it to whom? and yeah, he reacted like a jerk. But some people, and I'm not excusing his reaction, react differently when an annoying and/or painful flare up is happening where it happens.

 

His reaction may or may not point to some cheating episode.

 

That has also crossed my mind today :-/

[DanZee]

You can also get herpes as a child and through non-sexual contact, so it's not all about sex. But your boyfriend needs to grow up.

[sophie274]

I’d actually cut the boyfriend a little slack.

 

You were immediately angry, confused and upset after your diagnosis - is it so surprising he was too? Of course you had told him and he must have known, intellectually, that he was at high risk of infection (if he did not already have it), but I imagine he was blue to file that away in his mind. The mind is a powerful thing, and knowing you’ve been exposed to an STI in theory is that different from having your first outbreak. You can’t ignore an outbreak. Herpes can be such a stigmatized diagnosis.

 

I would just give him some time to cool down. I agree he shouldn’t have treated you that way and I hope he apologizes once he’s had time to digest the news.

[missmaam]

I’d actually cut the boyfriend a little slack.

 

You were immediately angry, confused and upset after your diagnosis - is it so surprising he was too? Of course you had told him and he must have known, intellectually, that he was at high risk of infection (if he did not already have it), but I imagine he was blue to file that away in his mind. The mind is a powerful thing, and knowing you’ve been exposed to an STI in theory is that different from having your first outbreak. You can’t ignore an outbreak. Herpes can be such a stigmatized diagnosis.

 

I would just give him some time to cool down. I agree he shouldn’t have treated you that way and I hope he apologizes once he’s had time to digest the news.

 

Thank you for your input. He did call for 30 seconds to apologize for the way he spoke to me but I'm still getting the cold shoulder so I'm just letting him marinate in his thoughts for now I guess.