emotionally unavailable husband?

[tanya53]

I had a pretty bad day. I had Life in the UK test today for which I needed address proof. I went to a bank two stations away to see it was closed, then took another train to reach an other branch that was 4 stations from that place. However, finally reached the test centre and more disappointment awaits me ? I was told that my ID proof has no surname in it and it did not match with my application. So I have to re-apply and all the effort and preparations gone waste and being a human I am disappointed and gutted - this is normal. However, this is not the issue. Problem is my husband did not even take effort to console me or try to change my mood, he just left things as it were and got back upstairs and started browsing on his laptop as usual and expected me to deal with my own emotions and pass this day which in fact was beautiful and sunny. He could have offered to take me out for a brunch or a nice walk but he dint. As soon as he came home he changed and got back to his laptop. I feel like I am living with an emotionally unavailable person. Am I at fault in thinking so or am I expecting too much from hime?

When I asked him about this, his explanations was that I slammed the car door because I was angry at the whole things that happened from today morning. Am I not allowed to show emotions and is it normal to carry on as usual and are we robots? . Please advice on how him or I must have handled this situation.

 

TIA

[ThatwasThen]

I don't know of too many people that want to hang around with someone who is in a nasty mood. Ideally, he would have tried to sooth your inner turmoil but in reality, he just didn't want to try and sooth a lion with a thorn in its paw.

 

I learned a long time ago (been married for 41 years now) that its a burden to want my partner to be my everything and if I want something, I ask for it. It's worked out well for the two of us. Unvoiced expectations rarely get satisfied.

[j.man]

I don't entertain temper tantrums either. IMO, the fact that you didn't even know he was giving you space due to you slamming the door is a testament to his understanding, or at least patience. I would have told you outright that impulsive physical outlets aren't something I tolerate in a partner. My fiancee is entitled to her emotions. I also expect her to be an adult about them. Besides that, I'd have a hard time believing the required documentation wasn't readily available ahead of time, even if by request, so throwing a fit over something preventable would leave me even further going after better pursuits to unwind.

 

I can't speak to a broader context, but this incident on its own isn't the most sympathetic.

[tanya53]

Yes, but is it fair that you completely ignore the feelings of your partner and comfortably chose to carry on as normal? that seems selfish to me.

[j.man]

If you're acting like a child, absolutely. You slam a door, I don't positively reinforce it with my loving attention. I afford you the space to calm down and gather yourself maturely.

[abitbroken]

Yes, but is it fair that you completely ignore the feelings of your partner and comfortably chose to carry on as normal? that seems selfish to me.

 

You were not fired and your pet didn't die. It was an inconvenient day - but not something that warrants a melt down. Also, did you convey to him that you were really upset or did you just walk in and expect him to console you? Honestly, If i had your day, my guy would tell me to look on the bright side. It doesn't mean someone is emotionally unavailable just because they are not going to drop what they are doing.

[tanya53]

poor partner of yours :(

[ThatwasThen]

If you're acting like a child, absolutely. You slam a door, I don't positively reinforce it with my loving attention.

^^^ a man with an edge is a good thing.

 

poor partner of yours :(

 

Au Contraire. I'm sure she respects him more for it. Enabling bad behaviour isn't healthy.

[abitbroken]

When I asked him about this, his explanations was that I slammed the car door because I was angry at the whole things that happened from today morning. Am I not allowed to show emotions and is it normal to carry on as usual and are we robots? . Please advice on how him or I must have handled this situation.

 

TIA

 

I'd stay away. I would not want to get hit in the crossfire and anything i said to an angry person might escalate the situation. i would let the person blow off some steam and calm down and i would not say a word - because they would bite my head off. If you had come in and he got home last, i would welcome him home like normal. I would ask him how his day was and i would say "i had a very upsetting experience today" and i would tell him what happened - but i would let him actually walk in the door, put his bag or coffee down and let him take his shoes off. or i would talk about it over dinner.

[abitbroken]

I don't entertain temper tantrums either. IMO, the fact that you didn't even know he was giving you space due to you slamming the door is a testament to his understanding, or at least patience. I would have told you outright that impulsive physical outlets aren't something I tolerate in a partner. My fiancee is entitled to her emotions. I also expect her to be an adult about them. Besides that, I'd have a hard time believing the required documentation wasn't readily available ahead of time, even if by request, so throwing a fit over something preventable would leave me even further going after better pursuits to unwind.

 

I can't speak to a broader context, but this incident on its own isn't the most sympathetic.

 

Lots of things can be headed off by being prepared -- looking up online or calling to clarify what documentation was needed and getting it together days in advance.

[SherrySher]

You went about it the wrong way. If you had perhaps talked to him and told him you were feeling let down and upset and expressed the need to be consoled, that would have been much easier for him to deal with.

 

But if you react with anger and upset then he thinks he's in the line of fire and tries to stay out of the way.

 

Of course, I don't know your husband and I am only going on what the average person would do in a situation like that. Does he treat you this way regularly?

[j.man]

poor partner of yours :(

She appreciates a good joke, so I'll be sure to share with her your sentiment.

 

Nobody's perfect, and people will [hopefully extremely occasionally] slam doors or otherwise behave unsuitably for an emotionally mature adult. I wouldn't throw my relationship out the window over a one-off incident, but I also wouldn't entertain or dignify it. It's as much for the benefit of not enabling the behavior as it is for me not putting myself in a position to resent someone for it. Hence why I'd take my space and not be further put off by dealing with it. We've been together 5 years, so it's safe to say the odds have played out fairly and we've each had a less than ideal moment. In any incident, we've respectively asserted our space and apologized for our immature behaviors. Life went on. Yours should, too.

[Hollyj]

Why weren't you more prepared?

[Batya33]

It sounds like a really annoying and inconvenient day and it's fine if you wanted to vent but I agree that you can't expect your husband to console you right at that moment -some would but I can see where he wants to give you space after you slam a door and chat with you about it afterwards. Your husband probably had things to get done and I just don't relate to you criticizing him as "emotionally unavailable" because he didn't offer to take you out for brunch or a walk after your annoying day. Why not go for a walk yourself -and listen to music or a podcast for distractions - or take yourself out for brunch with a good book? I reacted badly the other day to losing a lot of information on a document that wasn't saveable - my husband offered to see if he could help and I was stressed and responded harshly, I apologized right away for overreacting and he then commiserated with me and said he understood because it can be so frustrating. And I know that it was because I quickly gained control and apologized for my snappish reaction without him asking. Then the other person knows - you are human, you made a mistake, you realized the mistake ASAP and did your best to make amends. Then that person often is motivated to be even more supportive.