I am feeling very hopeless lately. Can anyone share success stories?

[Dadadaisy123]

9 months since my 5 year relationship ended. Im 24 years old. Lost 70% of my social cicle over these 5 years. Been trying to rebuilt my life. I still feel very lonely. Things are simply not working out. Im currently unable to form friendships. Tried to date, but end up even more depressed. I miss so much the past, hate the present and fear the future. Can someone please tell me happy stories? Of finding new friends, new lovers, dumper crawling back.... anything that gives me hope?

[bluecastle]

I know that pain well, and I'm sorry you're in the throes of it. Nine months is not a lot of time when it comes to processing 5 years, so give yourself space to feel whatever you need to feel (dread, anger, longing, whatever) without too much judging. Crazy as it sounds, allowing yourself to feel that is what "working out" has to look like right now. It's healing, it SUCKS, but you're building emotional muscles without even knowing it.

 

Here's a maybe happy story? In Sept I broke up with my ex of three years after things tail-spinned for about 4 months. It was pure agony: lies, love, infidelity, hope, doubt—you name it, we did it, to the point where in the aftermath of the breakup I was telling myself all sorts of stories. About how I'd never date again. About how I moved to the wrong town. About how every mistake I'd ever made had someone come back to punish me in the form of that relationship. And so on and so forth.

 

I dug in deep on myself. Traveled a bunch. Kind of threw myself into the wind (and therapy!) and, my god, the first six months were just hell. Eating, sleeping: the most basic things felt like a chore, and anything "fun" felt fake. But something did lift, is lifting. I'm still thrown, sure, but as I write I'm in a new city, making new friends, connecting with old friends, and after not really being able to date with any joy (and taking a loooooong break from even trying) I've been having a blast. Some brief, sexy, consensual flings. Some things that felt serious but faded quickly. Some laughable duds. In short, life! I'm currently seeing someone who I'm really excited about—it's slow going, but the right pace for both of us. Who knows? Who cares? That fun stuff I thought I'd become immune to has come back in a way I couldn't have imagined.

 

My ex has poked at me a few times in recent months. She'd had some affairs toward the end, and handled the breakup by jumping into new things. It seemed that didn't all go as planned. Which, hey, is her life now: a nice little ego boost for me, as well as a hit of confusion, but nothing I can't weather. I'm not angry with her, but I don't engage, just wishing her the best in silence, genuinely grateful for our time together, both in what we shared and that she was a step toward getting me to this place, which feels pretty great. Not perfect, still shaky, but looking up, you know?

 

I don't know if any of that gives you hope. But do know that you're not alone, not at all, and you will get through this.

[Andrina]

Try one or more hobbies you think you can be passionate about. When you do this, it's inevitable you will meet people who share the same passions, and maybe form new friendships or meet a potential partner while having fun. After my first marriage ended, I took group dance lessons and attended the dance that followed in both East Coast Swing and Tango. I've always been in various critique groups for novel writing, and that serves my creative outlet and I spend time with people who share my passion.

 

I tried some activities on meetups.com which I enjoyed before meeting my future husband on OLD (after several years of frustrating experiences there.) Find what you think would be fun. A co-ed sports team. Meetups for hiking, bicycling, kayaking, attending local festivals. Cooking classes, painting classes, skiing club. And if you lost your social circle due to your own lack of efforts, next time you're in a relationship, vow to keep up with your friendships. Take care.

[Jalapeno1234]

Im sorry about this ; 5 years is a loooong time.

I agree with the others, especially bluecastle; it may take some out of character behaviour but throw yourself into new things, my ex broke up with me in December 2016 after an on/off 2 years and I felt lonely, pathetic...no friends as id moved to a new city....but, I got a very dull job until a goooorgeous guy walked in and he became my muse. It took game playing, humiliation, fun, mixed signals but all in all we had a "thing" and it was useless but it got me to get over my ex and I had a new focal point for the whole year. That guy ended up with some other girl and we don't talk anymore but I see him as my stepping stone. Ohhh and hobbies!! I took up piano again and had some of my songs played on a local tv show! very cool haha. I thank my ex for all these achievements cos my gosh theres no way any of it would have happened without him.

You'll be fine

[LightWave93]

9 months since my 5 year relationship ended. Im 24 years old. Lost 70% of my social cicle over these 5 years. Been trying to rebuilt my life. I still feel very lonely. Things are simply not working out. Im currently unable to form friendships. Tried to date, but end up even more depressed. I miss so much the past, hate the present and fear the future. Can someone please tell me happy stories? Of finding new friends, new lovers, dumper crawling back.... anything that gives me hope?

 

I mean, I can somewhat relate. My entire forum history on eNotAlone (when I'm not deleting it ) is me talking about my social and dating life...or lack thereof.

 

Loneliness and depression can be crippling, so I do advise medication / therapy if you're prepared to seek it. I've been seeing mental health professionals for over three years now, and it can be hit-and-miss if it works out or not depending on who you're with, but given how it's widely available (and sometimes free), it's certainly worth the effort. You may get a better understanding of yourself / situation, and if nothing else then at least you get to vent your woes. As for medication; I've not yet found one that works for me, despite trying for years, but I'm currently on a type now that doesn't give me bad side effects, so it's worth keeping it up to see how things go.

 

That said, loneliness and depression can be caused in part by our circumstances, so it's best to change them. When I got broken up with (three year relationship) and falsely accused of stuff I hadn't done, I made it my mission to do what I could to better myself. This meant going back into education and thrusting myself into social situations (I had social anxiety). Over that time I've gained many, many friends and lost most of them because they were toxic, selfish or dramatic. You're certainly not the only one who's gained and lost in this area, and I'm sorry you've experienced this. Not sure if you're male or female, but spend time with the guy/girl-friends and make sure to keep up with your hobbies, especially if they get you out and about, and don't be afraid to try new ones. Volunteer! Plenty of people say they meet friends / dates that way...it personally didn't work for me, but that doesn't mean you can't give it a try!

 

If you want a success story, then here's mine in short; after all the rubbish that happened to me, I graduated with the best degree and gained plenty of positive recognition along the way. Beat anxiety, stifled depression, became more confident in myself whilst also improving my physical / mental health in a variety of ways. Picked up new hobbies, found new interests, explored new ways to express myself. My eventual career is shaping up quite nicely too.

 

Learn from the past, live in the present, prepare for the future. Much better train of thought, don't ya think?

 

Good luck! Message if you need someone to talk to!

[force]

You're only 24. You have your whole new and exciting life ahead. To me life really didn't begin until age 24. At that age you will lose some of your social circle because you're, how do you say...shedding your skin so to speak, finding yourself. Most people aren't meant to stay in your life forever and you have no control over what a person does, feels, you only have control over yourself and what you do. You will eventually meet someone who will make you forget about your ex. I'm sure before your ex you had crushes on people or dated and thought "there's no one better than this person!" Then you met your ex.

 

Engage in hobbies or like one post above said volunteer. Talk to the friends you have left, do a lot of thinking, talk to yourself. It's great therapy. Remember never make your life all about someone else because when they're gone you'll be lost.

[SenseCanada]

The only advice I can give you is the logic advice everybody gives you.

Im going through what you are going through right now and it sucks. All the thoughts in the head about your ex, why did this happen? what are they doing? will they come back?.

You have to understand that it doesn't matter how much information or how much you speculate about the old relationship.

You can't change the past, you can only change the future. Invest all time in yourself, for me personally I had always wanted to be in really good shape physically.

So I was putting lots of time reading about nutrition and training. I went from 25% body fat to 6% during my healing process. Everything was so much better when I was genuinely loving myself.

For others maybe that doesn't think their looks give them anything, then just excercise every day to boost your well being. It really helps. It may not be noticeable for the moment but you will feel it after a while. The hope of you finding someone in the future will increase while you heal and take care of yourself.

When my 4 year old partner left me everything was dark. But I must say after 2 years of healing and taking care of myself I was standing looking myself in the mirror and said to myself: nothing can break me and IM SO PROUD to be me. I deserve love, I deserve to be loved.

You will get there, but you need to be disciplined and try to achieve stuff you thought wasn't possible.

It may sound crazy. Im right now going through a fresh breakup and Im feeling really bad and stuck in the darkness for the moment.

The breakup before that was even worse. But if I had the ability to change the past I wouldn't, because without that darkness I wouldn't be what I am today.

Focus on yourself, achieve and make a change in your life. I hate cliche sayings, but time heals all wounds.

I used to hate it but it's true.

Keep on going and be strong!