Been together 3.5 years, need advice

[Mr_LFA]

So been with my gf for over 3.5 years now, and living together for most of that time. I'm 33 and she is 31. Overall I think our relationship is pretty good, we basically NEVER fight or argue. We've talked about kids and we both seem to be on the same page about that. I have to say that she does work A LOT (sometimes works 7 days a week), as she runs a business (she's under a lot of stress all the time) and is also a teacher part time, so it's been a struggle sometimes to spend quality time together, go out etc. (I also started a business when we first got together, so I've had my ups and downs too.) This has also meant that she doesn't really get much time off at all, so it's very hard for us to go on holidays together unfortunately. I booked a hotel in our city for a night for our 3 year anniversary last year and was great and an unexpected pleasant surprise on her part. However, over the past 6 months the physical intimacy has been getting less and less as when she comes home from work she's really tired and that's also made it harder for me too. We just seem to be in a 'rut' at the moment and it feels like our everyday routine has gotten the better of us and things are getting stagnant and I don't want that. Just yesterday, I tried to initiate sex and she wasn't interested at all. I asked her what's wrong and she hesitated for a while and then asked permission if she could speak freely. I agreed and she went on to say "lots of things" and she's been questioning whether we are compatible. Hearing this was a massive shock and I told her I thought we are very compatible and this really kicked me in the guts as I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I told her I loved her and want to support her at much as I can as I know shes been under a lot of work stress lately. Also lately she has been spending a lot of time with our male housemate who has lived with us for about 3 years and is a good friend to both of us. I just feel like she's been 'pushing' me away lately and doesn't want to talk much and I don't know what to do and have been losing sleep over it.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[greendots]

Upon reading your post, the first word that crossed my mind was PRIORITIES. The things you make time for throughout the week are the things you believe to be the most important at this point in time. You only avoid that which you don't want to face or don't really think is that important right now.

 

 

I hope others can bring more clarity into your situation.

[limichelle]

The red flag for me in your post. Was her not taking time for you but hanging out with the roommate. Listen to her when she is in doubt about you two such as compatibility. She is speaking her truth.

[Tinydance]

Yes while not immediately jumping to conclusions, but my first thought would be what is happening with the male housemate? I mean you are her partner of more than THREE YEARS. If she's so busy at work then why does she have time to hang out with him, but not you? And if she's stressed and having problems why doesn't she just come to you for support? Why is she going to him? I think something is really suss here because if she's questioning if you're compatible, I doubt that it's anything to do with her busy work schedule. I think she's probably just using her work as an excuse. I would say you really need to confront her after that comment and ask her to tell you straight what she is thinking and what is going on here. If she's cheating on you with the housemate or she's just lost feelings for you then why can't she just tell you the truth? After 3.5 years together she at least owes you an explanation.

[SGH]

I hate to agree with the others, but your fears seem founded. She isn't prioritizing the relationship (actions) and is verbally telling you she no longer feels the two of you are compatible (words). She is getting ready to end your involvement, whether she is cheating/interested in the roommate or not. Prepare yourself.

[Clio]

You need to clarify what exactly are the "lot's of things" and what exactly are the things that make her question your compatibility. Listen to what she has to say without interrupting her. It sounds like you shut down what she tried to tell you by attributing it to work stress. While denial is a natural emotional defense mechanism, it is not productive. You need to seek more clarifications about what she thinks is wrong and listen closely to what she is telling you without jumping in to offer alternative explanations nor support. At this point you need to focus on finding out her side of the story. Once you know what is going on with her (NOT what YOU think is going on) you can gauge better whether this is salvageable.

[Flip00008]

Hey! Sorry this is going on. Relationships can be tough at times... When I was younger, I had dated this girl for 2 years. I honestly figured we would be together forever. We was going on a vacation and the night before we left, I went out to the store to pick up some last minute supplies. On the way, I seen her car at a local restaurant. I pulled in, to find her in the back seat. Long story short--- I ended the relationship. It really tore me up for a long time. A few years pass and I start dating this beautiful girl that I now call my wife. So to me... God blessed the broken road... Because I wouldnt trade a thing... Have you considered going to couples counseling? I will be praying for you and hope to hear from you soon!

[Mr_LFA]

UPDATE:

The male housemate very recently ended up saying some bad things about me to my gf behind my back. He also said other nasty things in an attempt to get her to leave me, but it didn't work so now out relationship is stronger because of this. Now it's pretty obvious he likes her so now he's moving out.