12th day total NC. Conflicted.

[Red88]

So as many know I’ve been responsible for a lot of my own misery. I’ve went against posters advice thinking I know what I’m doing to only fall flat on my face. One has to stop and think...how’d did they know that ? That validates and adds more value to outside perspective and opinions I receive. I do though fully understand that we sometimes do have to fall flat on our face to realize bad decisions. It’s the way we learn. At least a majority of us.

 

Since my ultimate downfall of a distarious weekend, I’ve submitted myself to the fact that all I know how to do and all my mind/ego knows how to do is to make things worse than they all ready are. I simply don’t trust myself to make decisions that revolve around this ex/situation. I’ve given up in a sense I’d like to refer to it as “letting go”. Maybe I’m in an acceptance phase. To be honest, I stopped trying to determine what phase I’m in and just go with it. Although my logical side is taking some ground...my emotional side still winning the war. I truly do realize

this. This is why I’ve just sort of become numb and neutral. Not doing ANYTHING seems to have taken hold.

Not engaging nor reacting/communicating. So I’m sort of in a limbo state. Not in necessarily in a bad way, but in a way that I’ve lost trust in myself to make any decision, good or bad, in regards to my situation. I try to do what I THINK is good, backfires, setbacks, etc. So I’ve gone into this no mans land.

 

I’m struggling to find the healthy balance between contact and NC. I can’t go full NC forever obviously due to kids. I would never do that. Being a good dad and providing for them is my top priority. The circumstances are extremely difficult, but I can do it.

 

So when it comes to relationships that involve kids (being a Father), and not having any formal visitation, what amount of contact is appropriate? It is very “Wild West” if you will. It’s a very lawless relationship. I’m literally living on a day by day basis. Sure she’s initiated twice. Both in my opinion, breadcrumbs. Not falling for it anymore. So by email, which is her only means to communicate with me (I have her blocked on phone/I don’t use social media), do I establish communication with my kids while not setting myself back. Sometimes I think I just need to man up and that I’m making it a bigger deal than it is and I just need to suck it up. But to me ANY communication with my kids (they’re very young) is her way to validate she still controls me. Like she knows I love my kids deeply and that’s how she has me in her grip. Idk. I overanylize everything. I just don’t want her to use me as an emotional crutch. She’s hurt me VERY badly. Last thing I wanna do is make it easy for her? Day 12 NC - obviously very lost.

 

Red88

[Hollyj]

When are you going to the courts for visitation?

[Red88]

When are you going to the courts for visitation?

 

When I move. I’m moving soon. It’s kinda funny, I know where I’m moving to. I know why I’m moving, but the rest is just kinda up in smoke. I’m used to overcoming adversity. Im more than able. But, it’s one of the moments that I’ll hopefully look back and say “ I did it”.

 

Back to your question. I understand nobody fully understands my life nor am I able to convey it. Everyone has such a beautiful life. Trying to describe mine would be impossible, as it would for anyone’s. But, as far as legal matters goes, well I’m simply just not there yet. I don’t want y’all to think I have my shiz together in the least. This break up has had me all over the place. And I mean that. From living with family to living out of hotels. But I’m certainly able and capable of living a full filing life. I know this. I’m heading in that direction is all I can say.

 

Red88

[Hollyj]

I think you are creating so much unnecessary drama for yourself. Just get this done. Stop dragging this out.

[IAmFCA]

You establish a regular schedule and you stick to it, and you document each time with a notation on a calendar, for example of start and end times at least. It may be useful to have a record of what actually happens.

[Red88]

I think you are creating so much unnecessary drama for yourself. Just get this done. Stop dragging this out.

 

Soon this will be done. I understand why you’re saying what you are. It makes complete sense.

 

Soon I’ll post my experience in that particular area. Right now I’m just not in a position to do anything regarding the legal realm. But I do know that’s a step in this journey I’ll need to take. I’m just not there yet .

 

Red88

[Red88]

I agree . I just do not like talking to her. I have much anger towards her. 12 days of NC has been nice. But at some point, to establish a calling schedule, I’ll have to reach out. I wish I could just BE GONE. I can’t. So I’m struggling with communicating with a person who is so toxic to me.

 

So 12 days NC. Do I , at some point, reach out and try to establish a schedule to talk to my kids? She’s somewhat of a narcissist. I am not playing victim. Maybe I am to a certain degree? Who knows. I feel I have created this monster in my life.

 

I plan on being single for a while and being happy on my own. I think I have co dependency issues. I know I am far from perfect. This breakup has put me through so many trial and will continue. Most the trials I have failed admittedly. But, I have made sure to learn from my failures and try my best not to repeat.

 

So do I break NC to try and establish a schedule to talk to my kids. Breaking NC in my eyes, makes me look weak. Idk. I’ll have to undoubtably break NC at some point because I need to see my kids faces and hear there voice via FaceTime.

 

Red88

[DanZee]

Yeah, we don't recommend going No Contact when there's kids and visitation involved. But you have to keep your communication solely focused on visiting your kids, working out when and where you can see them. You owe it to your kids to see them regularly and to work out a schedule, such as Saturdays, when you can see them. Just be civil and don't engage your ex. All these excuses you're making about not contacting your ex is just BS. Get some courage and work out a time when you can visit them.

[figureitout23]

I agree . I just do not like talking to her. I have much anger towards her. 12 days of NC has been nice. But at some point, to establish a calling schedule, I’ll have to reach out. I wish I could just BE GONE. I can’t. So I’m struggling with communicating with a person who is so toxic to me.

 

So 12 days NC. Do I , at some point, reach out and try to establish a schedule to talk to my kids? She’s somewhat of a narcissist. I am not playing victim. Maybe I am to a certain degree? Who knows. I feel I have created this monster in my life.

 

I plan on being single for a while and being happy on my own. I think I have co dependency issues. I know I am far from perfect. This breakup has put me through so many trial and will continue. Most the trials I have failed admittedly. But, I have made sure to learn from my failures and try my best not to repeat.

 

So do I break NC to try and establish a schedule to talk to my kids. Breaking NC in my eyes, makes me look weak. Idk. I’ll have to undoubtably break NC at some point because I need to see my kids faces and hear there voice via FaceTime.

 

Red88

 

This is easy. Since you feel uncomfortable with FaceTime have set up times when you call and obviously she has caller ID, whenever you call she has no need to answer, simply allow your children to answer, pass the phone around, etc. it's very easy to minimize contact if you want to. This contact for every little thing has to stop as soon as possible. It's really giving her the impression she is still 'in control' and keeping that dynamic going, it's unnessesary. If you two can't set up child support yet or you chose to not involve the courts at the very least set up a weekly amount. Let's say it's 150 ( just throwing a number out.) send it to her on a schedule, she buys what's needed with that money. There is no need to play this game with her.

 

.

[figureitout23]

 

 

So 12 days NC. Do I , at some point, reach out and try to establish a schedule to talk to my kids? She’s somewhat of a narcissist. I am not playing victim. Maybe I am to a certain degree? Who knows. I feel I have created this monster in my life.

 

I plan on being single for a while and being happy on my own. I think I have co dependency issues. I know I am far from perfect. This breakup has put me through so many trial and will continue. Most the trials I have failed admittedly. But, I have made sure to learn from my failures and try my best not to repeat.

 

So do I break NC to try and establish a schedule to talk to my kids. Breaking NC in my eyes, makes me look weak. Idk. I’ll have to undoubtably break NC at some point because I need to see my kids faces and hear there voice via FaceTime.

 

Red88

 

No you don't break NC don't start this red. She's contacted you through email it's perfectly fine to do the same. Simple and plainly tell her you would like to set up a calling schedule and ask that's the kids answer when you do call. She can throw a fit if she wants but youre keeping yourself in check.

 

Please don't start throwing around diagnosis. Myself and other posters remember your story. This was a mutual train wreck with you cheating on her and treating her bad yourself.

 

I've said this before, I think a lot of this is ego based. The power has shifted to her and it's completely thrown you off . Any relationship that feeds off you two taking turns treating eachother badly isn't one worth saving, it's already beyond repair. You two never interacted with one another in a healthy way from the sounds of it.

 

Again, not a good idea to start with diagnosing her, not only is it false based on your own words, it's counter productive.

[IAmFCA]

This is easy. Since you feel uncomfortable with FaceTime have set up times when you call and obviously she has caller ID, whenever you call she has no need to answer, simply allow your children to answer, pass the phone around, etc. it's very easy to minimize contact if you want to. This contact for every little thing has to stop as soon as possible. It's really giving her the impression she is still 'in control' and keeping that dynamic going, it's unnessesary. If you two can't set up child support yet or you chose to not involve the courts at the very least set up a weekly amount. Let's say it's 150 ( just throwing a number out.) send it to her on a schedule, she buys what's needed with that money. There is no need to play this game with her.

 

.

 

Emphatically, yes

[Red88]

Yeah, we don't recommend going No Contact when there's kids and visitation involved. But you have to keep your communication solely focused on visiting your kids, working out when and where you can see them. You owe it to your kids to see them regularly and to work out a schedule, such as Saturdays, when you can see them. Just be civil and don't engage your ex. All these excuses you're making about not contacting your ex is just BS. Get some courage and work out a time when you can visit them.

 

Going to email her today to set up a schedule.

 

Would you give me an example of what you would say?

 

Red88

[Red88]

This is easy. Since you feel uncomfortable with FaceTime have set up times when you call and obviously she has caller ID, whenever you call she has no need to answer, simply allow your children to answer, pass the phone around, etc. it's very easy to minimize contact if you want to. This contact for every little thing has to stop as soon as possible. It's really giving her the impression she is still 'in control' and keeping that dynamic going, it's unnessesary. If you two can't set up child support yet or you chose to not involve the courts at the very least set up a weekly amount. Let's say it's 150 ( just throwing a number out.) send it to her on a schedule, she buys what's needed with that money. There is no need to play this game with her.

 

.

 

I also agree there is no need to play this game. I don’t want to play. How do I put a stop to it.

 

You have a good understanding about what’s going on.

 

Would you draft and example email to send? I’ve been playing this game and have not been able to end it. Not sure how to word it.

 

Thanks

 

Red88

[Red88]

No you don't break NC don't start this red. She's contacted you through email it's perfectly fine to do the same. Simple and plainly tell her you would like to set up a calling schedule and ask that's the kids answer when you do call. She can throw a fit if she wants but youre keeping yourself in check.

 

Please don't start throwing around diagnosis. Myself and other posters remember your story. This was a mutual train wreck with you cheating on her and treating her bad yourself.

 

I've said this before, I think a lot of this is ego based. The power has shifted to her and it's completely thrown you off . Any relationship that feeds off you two taking turns treating eachother badly isn't one worth saving, it's already beyond repair. You two never interacted with one another in a healthy way from the sounds of it.

 

Again, not a good idea to start with diagnosing her, not only is it false based on your own words, it's counter productive.

 

I agree. I do not need to diagnose. It’s not my place. I will not break NC. I’ll just simply reply to emails that only pertain to the kids.

 

Red88

[Red88]

Not sure how to word email .

 

Thoughts ?

 

Red88

[Red88]

Also it’ll be 2 weeks tomorrow since I’ve heard or seen my kids faces. I need to get a communication schedule in place. I miss them :( I think FaceTime will work I’ll just limit interaction from the ex.

 

Hope everyone has a good day! Stay strong.

 

Red88

[IAmFCA]

Not sure how to word email .

 

Thoughts ?

 

Red88

 

I suggest two different emails, so that time with kids remains a separate issue from child support payments, as it is legally and ethically.

 

Frame both as a way of offering her more control and predictability, as comes from having a schedule. Then suggest what works for you.

 

Know what is flexible for you and what isnt. So if she says What about x, you can reply, As an alternative, i can do Y

[IAmFCA]

Also, draft it and let it sit around for awhile. Do not send it until you read it after you've had a good workout.