Its over 4 good i tried for 3mths...i failed........

[coolcol]

I have posted on this site a few times...at first to ask for advice on whether to maintain a sexual relationship as a means to win my ex back and at times i posted to try and help others.......now all my effort and time spent over the last 3 months since my ex left me has failed to win her back.

 

After our split i initiated a sexual relationship in the hope i could win her heart back, we went out on weds and sats nights had a great time and always had great sex back at my house.

 

I also persauded her to meet me one/two days in the week for coffee/go for walks/shopping etc.........i really started to make what i thought was progress, we were happy at the times we met, she even told me she loved me and was thinking positive about maybe in the future we would get back.

 

But the last few days she just seemed to go cold on me and never never replied to my txts or phone calls, she seemed to loose interest in the last week or so.

 

Now last nite she told me its over for good, no more us anymore, no more taking her out, no more holding her close to me.........its over.....god i feel so sad and helpless. I am a silly stupid old man who tried to cling to someone who never loved me........

 

everyone on this forum tried to tell me it was best for me to move on but my heart was holding on to false hope in the end, and i just couldnt find the will to move on and forget her.

 

Now i am truly devestated, destroyed and ruined....my heart is broken all over again.....i was warned by people on this forum that this would most likely happen and they were right! but i couldnt listen i thought i could do it and win her back i really believed we were making progress......but i failed.

 

My life is now hopeless and without purpose.......i dont know what to do......i am typing this at 8am on a sat morning cos i just woke up with adrenaline surging through my body....I am shaking and crying(i have just been sick twice) I am on my own walking around a house she once lived in with me....i failed........now i have lost her for good........what have i got to do with my miserable life to be happy we had a son 18mth old....our future gone in a few words.

 

I feel so sad and helpless.....i hate everything, this world is so full of cruelty and despair...i have just lost my job, in debt, bills i cannot pay i havnt eaten for five days and have stopped going the gym and started smoking again....my girlfriend has abandonded me when i needed her the most.......i dont know how i am suppossed to survive.....i have no friends, no family, no girlfriend. nothing......just a sad old miserable nobody with nothing bashing a load of stupid keys on a stupid keyboard at stupid hours....i hate myself i am just a pathetic failure...a useless no-one

 

i tried so hard the last month with her...all my time effort, money and heart sould and strength went on her and she has pierced my soul and crushed me with a few words......its over for good.

 

Forgive me for this post......its all i have...i had to tell somone to share my misery..this site is all i have..........my life is ruined for good....i dont want anyone else after this i am a broken man.....ruined, abandoned, my little family gone, my dog the two kids my girl all gone, now all i have is an empty cold house and debts i cant pay, no friends who will listen to me, nothing, just empty cold and numb feelings in a body full of adrenaline surging through my body, shaking and totally and uterly alone......its just hell........sheer hell.........

Colin

[lostandneedhelp]

Ok i am so much younger than you and my advice probably for that reason will be ignored but hey......

 

You need to stop holding on to a lost cause. I recently split with my gf, ok it was only 6 months, but she was my first love (or so i believe) and she was my first sexual partner. I pretty much got played about like you, it didnt last 3 months like you but she did go off with my best mate. I have now moved on, ok it will take you longer because you sound like you were together a much longer time, but all you need to do is try and be positive, try and spend as much time doing 'things'.

 

You say you havent got a job? If you havent there is a prefect oportunity to waste away some time. Im sure time feels to be passing so much more slowly than before, it will, but give it time and it will speed up again. Go out and find a job, write applications, this will pass time. Also go out to places and try to meet friends, the whole world isn't against you, there will be people out there who want to be you friend, just try avoiding talking about this to much to new people until you feel you can trust them and they know you (hopefully by that time you will have moved on anyway).

 

Time is the key here, your pain will not go away over night, you will still have sleepless nights and will still feel like you don't want to eat........ but you must try and eat, at least enough to keep you going.

 

You have become fixated on one person, you can't see anyone else past her, she is the best thing to ever happen to you and no one will beat her...... THATS ALL RUBBISH. There are people out there, nicer women who will treat you better and will treat you like you are king of the world, just like you treated you ex as a queen. You just need to try and believe that someone better will come around because at the end of the day they will!

 

Don't contact her now, let it be.... if she really wants you she will come back to you. By calling her, txting her etc. you are giving her what she needs.... a real reason to leave you, she doesn't want someone that is obssesed with her. She wants a bit more of a challenge, calling her all hours of the day is just letting her know you are weak and with that she is getting stronger and forgetting about you!!! So stop the chasing.

[guy40az]

Colin:

 

 

Don't beat your self up so much on not listing to what you were told and saying everyone was right. I know you were probably told that it wouldn't work that trying to win her back with sex was a mistake but don't take it so hard I was in the same situation you are in. I was told the same thing and I got the same results but people sometimes just have to try everything they can to try to keep the person they love, some of us will do and try anything no mater what we are told, you did what another man would have done.

 

I know you are feeling devastated right now and you cant see how you can possible go on without her but hang in there it does get better. Things will get a lot better for you after you have spent some time alone.

 

But the first thing you need to do and I mean right now is try to eat something things will only get worse if you don't eat I am telling you if you haven't ate anything in that amount of time you need to get to the hospital. You are probably dehydrated and you cant think straight or anything at this point. Please I am telling you if noting else get something to drink that has some calories in it like soda of some kind.

 

I know from experience the longer you go without getting some food in you the worse it looks.

 

I was married for 13 years and she was gone just like that and I never thought I would live through it I didn't eat for 5 days either and I ended up in the hospital and I was told if I would have waited another day that they would have been putting me in a pine box. So you really need to get something in your system.

 

But things will get better you will see, just take some time for your self and get your life straightened out aging don't think of anything but yourself. It will do you a lot of good to spend some time for just you. You can get through this if I can do it anyone can.

[Wimpy]

Colin

 

I am so dreadfully sorry. I know it's cold comfort but you are not entirely alone...we are all here to help you. I really felt for you as I read your post. Forget what "everyone" told you to do - it doesn't matter. You did what YOU had to do and that's all that's important. In time to come at least you'll never wonder if you could have done something to save this relationship. You did everything you could.

 

You still have a little boy and HE NEEDS HIS DADDY. You are not alone in this world so long as you have him.

 

I don't know what to say to you....nothing is going to make you miraculously feel better. No plattitudes about "time" etc etc etc. I'm going through my own heartache at the moment and I know that time only serves to prolong the misery at times.

 

On a purely practical level it seems that the first thing you need to try and do is sort out the debt situation you're in. Can you try and distract yourself very temporarily by looking at that?

 

And as for going to the gym etc ...give yourself time and don't worry - you'll do all those things again one day. I'm the same - I used to go 3 or 4 times a week but if I've been that amount in the last MONTH I'd be surpised. You've got to give youself a break. What you did was not stupid or foolish or anything - it was because you were in love and you didn't want to lose someone very special.

 

Do you have any friends at all you can talk to - you can't try and go through this all on your own.

 

I don't know what else to say. I just wanted to let you know how sorry I was as I having been following your posts.

[Rainz]

Morning Colin

 

I'm in London, I notice you're in Cheshire.......sorry to hear that you are going through this.

 

Just because you were given advice not to try further with your ex and win her back, and you did not follow that advice, doesn't make you a fdailure. You believed in your heart that there was a chance and you took that chance. At least now you won't be looking back thinking, I shoulda done but never did. You've now exhausted your efforts. As hard as it is and as painful as it is,you're now going to have to take a day at a time to start healing your heart.

 

Don't think that you're the only one who feels alone, I have family and friends and when my stuff hits the fan, I can barely talk to any of them. That's how I ended up here at enotalone.

 

Think of your little boy, make him your focus and motivation to find work. Keep yourself as occupied as you can, you may want to write in ajournal your feelings, go out for walks the fresh air can help.

[alphonsefa]

Just read your post and I know that pain you are feeling now, it's a feeling I battle with myself everyday because the woman I truly loved is gone too. You are no loser, you're just hurt.

 

There was a very telling line in your post and it's one I had to come to terms with myself. You said, "my girlfriend has abandonded me when i needed her the most". Someone who truly loves you would never abandon you at this most trying time. Not that it makes the pain you are feeling any easier, but it really says a lot about how she truly feels about you, doesn't it?! I know that logic isn't your best friend at this moment because you are hurting emotionally. But, do you really want someone in your life who would turn their back on you when you needed them most? Don't ever settle for someone treating you like that. I know you don't feel this way now, but she has done you a great favor, she's shown you her true character. She's abandon you when you needed her most. Never forget that and think about the coldness in her heart for her to do that to you. Any contact you have with her from here on out should only be in regard to your son. Don't under any circumstances mention the relationship between you two when you talk. Cut your personal life off from her, keep it a mystery to her; and by no means, tell her how you feel. Put on a good face when you are around her and when she asks you how are doing tell her, "just fine". Have as little direct contact with her as you can. Let her miss you. She won't miss you if she knows you are broken emotionally. If she knows she has broken you emotionally, she has all of the control; and those feelings of love she once had for you will resurface as pity for you. When she feels pity for you, she will console you, turn you into just a friend, and may keep you on an emotional leash as her backup plan if things don't quite turn out the way she thinks they will. And rest assured, things never do quite turn out the way people think they will. Trust me on this one, I've seen this little play acted out many times. If you really want her back you have to shock her. The way you do that is acting like, "oh well too bad things didn't work between us, time to move on, take care of yourself". She will come back to you if you can keep it together. But then you are going to have to make the decision of whether to take her back or not. Though she may come back, she will leave again and again. Once a relationship starts down this path, the train is off the tracks and will eventually head over the cliff. It's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

 

I had crossed paths with a girl I graduated high school with 20 years ago! Everything about us worked and we were truly happy. So much so that we were looking at houses to buy, making plans for a wedding, and a family. She opened up to me and told me things about herself that she's never told anyone before. I accepted her for her, regardless of her troubled past. She had been in a 6 year abusive relationship before she began dating me. Much of the abuse she suffered was mental and there was some physical abuse. Emotionally, he broke her more than I ever realized. She did the whole counseling thing but the scars are too deep and never will heal. The stunning part to me is that physically she is drop dead gorgeousm yet he played on every insecurity she had to control her. Even more stunning is that she is way above the guy she was with. In other words, she was totally out of his league. He's a fat pig, with a dead end job and no future. How's this for an ego blow? As we were starting to narrow down a few of the houses we looked at, she broke off with me, and went back to that loser. I sent a her a couple of emails, never asking her back, but telling het that she was making the mistake of a lifetime. I called her once to say my peace and then threw my hands in the air in frustration and walked away from it all. I was crushed, but never let her know it. Two weeks later I got a hysterical message on my answering machine telling me how right I was about everything. She thought she could change the abuser, just like I thought I could change her, and we were both wrong. She started calling again and asked to come back. Stupidly I let her! We began dating again, started to put the pieces back together of the future we had once planned for, and "bam", she takes off again! I go through my usual paces, a couple of emails and a phone call, all falling on deaf ears, as usual. She leaves me a final phone message telling me how "it just wasn't there in the end" and some other very cold,yy and emotionally detached things. Crushed again, I break all contact off with her, certain that this time the train went off the cliff. Three weeks later, the phone rings and it's her in tears, telling me how she has nothing to look forward to anymore, that I was the greatest guy in the world, and that no one has ever treated her as good as I had. Again, my heart is thinking instead of my head. We start seeing each other again and it goes well for the first week, then her mood swings start again and it's becoming clearly obvious that I'm about to get hurt again. So I rip her verbally, telling her everything I should've the first time she threw this relationship away. Everything I told her was the truth and I was justified in everything I said, she deserved every bit of it. She treated me badly and I let her know it and let her know that she has mistaken kindness for weakness. A month passed by and I emailed her telling her that I was sorry things turned out the way they did and that I always loved her and always will. Then followed up the next night with a phone call that was met coldly by her when I asked her, "can we talk"? She emphatically said, "NO". I said, "well if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called", then I calmly hung up. That was 5 weeks ago, the longest we'd gone without contact. It's over! But, I like you can leave with a clear conscience. I gave the relationship everything I had and treated her the way I wanted to be treated. But she continually turned her back on me everytime I needed her. As much as I love her and want her, and I do! She's bad news for me, and will be for anyone she's involved with. She has the ability to be the nicest, sweetest, woman, you could ever hope to meet; and then she can be cold, detached, and removed, in the blink of an eye.

 

You need someone who is going to stick by you through the good and bad times. If I married her, I'd be settling, because even though I love her and would've done anything for her. She couldn't have truly loved me, regardless of her words and letters, because people who love you don't hurt you and walk away. Don't let her bring you down, she's not worth it. Spend that emotion you have on someone who truly deserves it. Good luck.

[Wimpy]

Alphonsefa

What an excellent post! I know the content is very sad of course but the way you articulated what happened was good. It made me think of something about my situation....not as complicated as either yours or Colin's. Simply put my guy was in my country studying, we met, blah blah blah and then he finished, qualified and had to return home. We agreed to talk about our future again once he'd had time to be back with his family etc (whom he'd not seen for well over a year). I agreed to put any heavy conversations on hold until we'd seen how things were between us when I went to visit him 10 weeks after he left the UK.

10 days before I was due to go (having purchased my ticket etc etc) he e-mailed me breaking up! I was devastated...the e-mail was 4 weeks ago tomorrow.

Anyway something you said in your post made me think of something...before he left some stuff kicked off in my family about which he knew I was very upset. One night I told him that I was really sad that just at a time I needed him most he was leaving to go home.

I know he could do nothing about having to go - his visa ran out and he had to go but in all the time between him leaving and sending his mail he rarely checked on how I was or how I was coping. On top of all that he sent me the most callous, heartless and cold e-mail breaking up!

After all I'd done for him - the hours I'd spent listening and helping him, the monetary help, the emotional and physical support. He had it ALL. But where was HE when I needed HIM? Nowhere.

Reading what you put you're right - why would I want to settle for someone who cared that LITTLE about me!

 

Colin - sorry I didn't mean to hijack your post but this is so relevant for you too. You deserve(d) better but it just doesn't seem like it now. I still hope EVERY day to hear from my ex but every day I'm disappointed and think "tomorrow maybe". I'm not sure how long it will be before my logical head catches up with my emotional heart.

 

We all are here to help one another.

[alphonsefa]

Hey Wimpy,

 

Glad I could help in some small way. My head was telling me that what was going on was wrong, but my emotions masked my logic. I very rarely give second chances, she was a unique exception. I think I gave her too much leeway because I knew of her past, the abuse he put her through, the bouts of depression she goes through, and the fragility of her character. Soon I was making excuses for what was obviously ba behavior. Don't ever make excuses for bad behavior, regardless of what someones past is, and by all means never accept bad behavior. I swear to you that this is an unrefutable fact that if yoy accept someone treating you poorly, they will continue to do it. Not only will they continue to do it, they will come to take you for granted, and worse yet, resent you. I know it hurts, but you can't make someone else love you. If someone dumps you they are cutting you out of their life. If that's what they want then you have an obligation to yourself to make sure you cut them off too. Don't allow them to be your friend, and don't allow them to keep you on an emotional leash. People are drawn to strength, in all aspects of life. Even though you are the one who got dumped, you can demonstrate a tremendous amount of strength by cutting off all contact with that person. Many times the person that dumped you will turn around some time in the future and realize what they have actually lost, and then they will contact you again. But it's a trap, because as soon as they know they have you back, and something that they perceive as more appealing comes along, they will leave you again. The reason being is because you aren't a challenge to them, and when a realationship isn't a challenge for some people, they take it for granted. With het, I was't looking for a challenge, just someone that would love me the way I loved them. She simply wasn't capable of it for whatever reasons. She is the one that is broken, not me. More people that get dumped have to realize that. Just because you got dumped doesn't make you the problem. Professionally I am very successful, and personally I have it all together. Not only was I more attractive than the guy she was with (let's say dating has never been hard for me), more successful than the guy she was with, and most importantly treated her and loved her better than anyone ever has (her words, not mine). I still lost her and knowing that she still had feelings for someone who treated her so poorly will challenge and chip away at people of even the stromgest character. I've never doubted myself, always knew who I was, but she had me to a point where I was walking on egg shells. Not that I feared a verbal confrontation with her, because she rarely would argue anything. Her solution is to throw everything away and go be by herself. But my ego took a major blow through all of this, but guess what, I bent, but didn't break. In the end, she'll be the one who thinks of me, and by the time she realizes the consequences of it all, I will have moved on. That's the dangerous game she is unknowingly playing.

[nychick]

after reading what you are going through i truley sympathize for you. i went/am going through a very simular situation as you are and it sucks. you are making this girl seem as she has a control of your life and you seem like you cant go on anymore without having her in your lfie this is called obsession and insecurity...and letme admit to you i have the same exact thing with mt ex bf and let me tell you this is the worst thing to have so i know exactly how you are feeling.

[coolcol]

Thanks alot everyone for your kind words......am sorry i have just replied i have been so low lately.

 

I have decided to do no-contact, i am only seeing her when i pick my little boy up and drop him off.

 

I have begun to accept this and have decided for my own sanity to have no other contact other than when i pick my little boy up and drop him off.

 

I have had a real lonely last few days with feelings of total despair, but at my age i should be more of a man and face up to this situation and accept she has gone and will never come back.

 

I feel so stupid to have hoped things would have worked out, how could i have been so blind to what was really going on.....she used me and built my hopes up.

 

I have just found out through someone who lives near her mum(were she is staying) that she has been seeing another guy.

 

This has so shocked me so much i just felt totally numb, broken and empty...

 

In some ways it has woken me up to the fact i was such a fool.......a fool to believe i could re-ignite any feelings in her for me, i cant believe all this time she just used me.

How can someone do this knowing how much i felt for her.

 

My obsession and insecurity have made me ill, now i have let her go in my heart, something i never thought possible.

 

The no-contact has only lasted 2 days but i am determined to cut off all my feelings for this person, she has made me look an idiot, how stupid and blind i have been.

I have not txted her or rang..........

 

 

alphonsefa you are right with this sentance

I swear to you that this is an unrefutable fact that if yoy accept someone treating you poorly, they will continue to do it. Not only will they continue to do it, they will come to take you for granted, and worse yet, resent you.

 

I was just treated in the end like a silly kid, with no respect. what a complete idiot i was.........

 

 

But God i still feel so sad and lost without her, i am trying not to think of her and today ripped up some photos of us taken a few years ago. In fact anything that reminds me of her is getting trashed........

 

Thanks all of you i have read your replies over and over and it has helped me so much......and the fact she had a new guy during all my suffering has made me start to wake up and realise what a stupid fool i have been

 

Thanks all of you i really appreciate your help.....thank you.

 

I am determinednever to get back or contact this girl again apart from seeing her over my son she is history.........i am glad i feel angry ......it helps me let her go.

But i will never forget her totally or all the good times we had.....she may have changed but she is only human like the rest of us, i will never forget the look in her eyes when she gave birth to our son and i looked into her eyes..we were so happy...........it is these memories that made me cling to her, but that person has changed, sad for me, it almost makes me feel like never trying with another relationship again incase that fails.....

 

How the hell am going to get over this i just dont know, i gave everything i had to her, all my trust, love and support, all my time, body, mind, money, help, all my heart, soul and spirit...............but she is not going to take my life or whats left of my dignity.

 

thanks you guys/gals............your posts have helped me so much.

[heloladies21]

None of this was your fault man, so don't blame yourself. History is littered with "better" men who were cut down way further by women, and there was no way for them to stop it either.

[stickman]

ALPHONSEFA!!! MAN!!!

 

That was perfect what you said. Every single word!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

You situation was almost exactly like mine.

 

Women always want to raise the bar. Have what they cant have.

 

I feel 10,000% better. The best I have felt in weeks. I can so relate.

 

THANKS!!!!