Told her she was dead to me....

[thefarewellnote]

Well, I have been posting here my problems and how I could win the love of my life back. Last night broke me though. She was suppose to go on a trip to Phoniex, and stay with this girl she worked with. Well that is what she told me. I found out that she is actually going to go there and stay with some guy she meet on the cruise she went on on Speing Break. Some guy she hardly knows. Some guy that could rape her. And she was telling him that she wanted to make out with him and do "naughty things" with him. I called her down, and told her that I was sick of the lies. Sick of being there for her and sick of her not being there for me. I told her to get her stuff and leave, cause I would never talk to her again. That she was dead to me. She never existed and that our relationship never happened. She got mad and backhanded me accross the face I told her to get her crap and get out. She left. Then this morning she IMed me and told me that her saying all that to him (the making out and doing other things with him) as a joke. She then tried to play the guilt card on me, and make me feel sorry for her. Saying that she was going to fail school, cause she didnt have my help anymore, and that she was only joking and that I should believe her. And that she stayed up all night worrying about me. I told her that it was B.S. and not to try to make me feel guilty again!

 

I feel good that I told her off. I feel happy inside for a change. I dont know why. This girl was the one for me, and she hurt me for the last time. She is throwing all of what we had away, for a weekend of lust. Ihope she realized that is was a mistake.

[chai714]

It's best to walk away at this point. Her slapping you, you being emotional and finding out about her lies, then her contacting you back . . . it's all psychologically unhealthy (as well as physically). Unless you want to end uo on the Jerry Springer show, stay away from her for a while. DO NOT keep up with her life. Take this time to heal and self-improve, while staying completely out of her life. You staying in contact with her is damaging any future relations that you could have. Stay away, back off, and take her off of every contact list that you have for now.

[Elite]

I am sorry that she did that to you! I would not say she was the girl for you, if she was she would respect you, love you and be honest with you! One day when you do meet the right girl for yourself, you will look back on this girl and think " boy was I nieve back then". When you truly care and love someone you do not hurt them, and stand up for yourself cause no one else will.

 

Good luck to you!

[crash45]

to quote Donald Trump " SHE'S FIRED"

[thefarewellnote]

Thanks for the support guys, you all have made a huge impact in my life. Everyone that says the world does not care about other ppl are wrong! Just knowing that you care is all I have.

 

Right now I am numb and don't think of her, but I am sure that will wear off and she will be in my thoughts. I don't know...it is hard to remove her from my buddy list and from my phone. So hard...

[tarheelfan]

Thanks for the support guys, you all have made a huge impact in my life. Everyone that says the world does not care about other ppl are wrong! Just knowing that you care is all I have.

 

Right now I am numb and don't think of her, but I am sure that will wear off and she will be in my thoughts. I don't know...it is hard to remove her from my buddy list and from my phone. So hard...

 

It sure is man. It sure is.

 

But hang in there. You sound like a great guy with a wonderful future.

 

I wish you lots of luck and much peace.

[thefarewellnote]

How can someone that loves you and cares for you hurt you? I don't understand it. She sits there hugs me and tells me she loves me, and then does this. Makes me want to explode.

[thefarewellnote]

ohhhh numbness starting to wear off. I find myself staring off thinking of her. I just want to see her. GOD...help me

[DN]

How can someone that loves you and cares for you hurt you? I don't understand it. She sits there hugs me and tells me she loves me, and then does this. Makes me want to explode.

 

She is doing that because she wants your help to get her through her exams. Once she doesn't need that anymore, she will be gone. She's a user and a liar and a manipulator. You don't realise it now but you are much better off without her.

[Elite]

Bud I know how hard it can be to go through this, but you are worth so much more and she does not deserve you. Keep telling yourself that!

 

She does not love you because if she did she would not have treated you the way she did. You may not understand that now, but when you find someone who truly loves you it will hit you then.

 

Try and stay strong cuase if you take her back she will figure she can treat you like that and she can't. I wish you all the best!

[kimsykim713]

Another reason that she may be tellign you that she loves you but then does that is that she's too cowardly to hurt you... she thinks that it'll hurt you less to do what she's doing, but in the end it ends up hurting you more... if that's the case then i know where she is coming from cause i did something of a similar sort to a guy (but it got much worse) and it was harder on me, as well as him... just remember that she isn't worth your time, and there is someone out there much better than her for you! it may not always seem like it, but it's true

 

-K-

[archiphile]

truthfully it sounds as if you need to look in to some therapy. To elaborate, three years ago I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship w/ a woman. Aftr five yrs we finally decided to call things off for good. I was at frst relived that I had all of that negitivety that we shared out of my life. She and I had had child together and so I knew that it was really improtant to keep in good realtions despite our differances. I was not in agood place things turned for the worse I ended homeless and jobless. I tried to commit suicide and damn near succeed. I finally got the heck out of there and move to my current stae of res. I feel that by removeing myself fr the sit completely that I made a definate break w/ the past. All of this was deffinatly a good thng. Anyway bck to the point. I was distaught, depressed, thought about this person every day thought that my life was over all of those negative things. Until I could take a objectve look about what all had transpired of the past five years and just plain get away from it.

 

While I would not necessarilly recomend a geographical change as the answer. I think that a good therapist could help youu brainstorm some of the possabilities that would work for you. Because in truth, we all have the answers to many of r own "problems" inside of ourselves. They sometimes just need some coaxing to be brought to the surface.

[smallworld]

Good for you Farewellnote! Well it's obvious why you feel great - You finally stood up for yourself. 8)

 

Sometimes you have to hear things said many times by many people before it sinks in, so here it is again: This girl is NOT for you.

 

If you start to doubt that, write down every cruel thing she's ever done to you. Reread and add to the list until it's seared into your brain because in moments of weakness your heart will try to convince you otherwise.

 

Spoil yourself the next few weeks. Lavish the love you normally give her - on yourself, and laugh because you know what she's missing out on.

 

And most importantly don't let her back into your life in any form!!!

[thefarewellnote]

She is doing that because she wants your help to get her through her exams. Once she doesn't need that anymore, she will be gone. She's a user and a liar and a manipulator. You don't realise it now but you are much better off without her.

 

I hope you dont mind but I used that on her before work...i called to say "have a safe trip, and that i hope it was worth ruining what we had." SHe got mad and I just told her she was a user, liar, and a manipulator..and that I was better off. I then hung up.

 

 

 

Well, she is off to Phoniex to "hang out" with some guy she barely knows., I had to work so it keep my mind off her for a while, but I gave in and called her. I told her I was sorry for yelling and I told her that i cared for her. She then started acting sweet and told me she loved me. Just part of her mind games...but it was working on me again, cause I can't stop thinking about it. I keep wondering what she is doing with that guy right now? Is she kissing him?

 

It is so hard to lock her out of my life when she has been such a huge part. It is like half me me has died when I told her I didn't want to talk to her. It is hard. I think of how she did something sweet for me back when we were together, and it makes me want to call her. I tell myself not to contact her, but i know i will give in. I don't have the willpower. This girl was so good to me, and cared for me like no one else ever did, and now i have to push her away. Yes, she has hurt me but shouldn't i forgive. Won't that show that I care for her...and that I accecpt her for her mistakes.

 

If i start writing down the negative things about her, i start putting those negative things as my fault. I don't know what to do. She was the only person that i could trust...the only person I had ,my family hasn't called or talked to me in like 5 months, they were upset that I moved to another state for this girl 2.5 yrs ago, cause I thought she was the one.. I am alone again...much like before....

[mick8888]

Dude, at the risk of sounding harsh -- get a grip!! You are completely deluding yourself that she's some great girl, and it mostly comes from the fact that you are lonely and jealous of her other guy, and you simply want the comfort of the past. News flash: it's OVER. You can't live in the past -- those days are done. If you want to keep torturing yourself and wallowing in this, that's your business, but it's only going to prolong the pain. I know it's hard, and I'm struggling with a similar situation right now, sort of, and I simply made the decision to try my best to move past it. I have my good days and bad days, and so will you, but it will only get better if you make a conscious effort to put this whole thing in perspective, see the girl for what she is (neither totally great nor totally bad) and for what her actions are. STOP putting her on a pedestal, and stop blaming yourself for everything, it serves no constructive purpose and all you're doing is continually picking at the scab instead of letting it heal. Starting today, do something positive for yourself and start moving forward with your life, even if you don't feel like it, DO IT. Go to the gym or get some other form of exercise, hang out with a friend, plan a strategy for getting ahead at work or looking for a new job, do some volunteer work, ANYTHING to give your life meaning and purpose beyond pining for some girl who is with someone else and not coming back. The sooner you accept that and begin to reconstruct your life, the sooner you will feel better. If not, then you will just suffer endlessly, and that's ultimately your choice.

[DN]

I agree with mick8888 (except I can't see why she is not totally bad!!).

 

The problem with the mixed signals is that they are going both ways. You are doing the same thing. You have to realise something:

 

she is able to do anything she wants to you because you are allowing her to do that if not actually encouraging her.

[smallworld]

Farewellnote, I was in therapy twice. In both cases it was regarding men whom I loved deeply, but weren't emotionally available and weren't good for me. Like you I didn't want to see the truth because I felt that if I gave up on those relationships, I'd never be happy.

 

What the therapist did for me was to play Devil's Advocate. If I started to talk about all the good things in the relationship, she'd mention the bad. If I started to mention the bad things, she'd remind me of the good. Back and forth, back and forth until I began to see it wasn't either one or the other. The truth was in between.

 

You're right. She's not all bad and it's important to forgive others. The problem is your heart only wants to remember the good, when the reality is that she's using you. I advised you to make a list of her crimes, because you keep choosing to fall for her words and ignore her actions.

 

If she came to you and said "Look I'm sorry. I was an idiot. I don't want to play the field anymore. I only want you," and she owned up to all the hurtful things she's done in the relationship, then you can forgive her and consider taking her back. But right now it's not in your best interests to forgive her. She's shown you repeatedly that as long as you let her date others AND use you, she has absolutely no incentive to change her behavior because she knows you still care and will do anything to stay in her life. The painful truth is as long as you CHOOSE to be her doormat, she'll happily wipe her feet on your heart.

 

The good news is you don't have to be the doormat!

 

You can choose to believe you're a good person and are worth loving.

You can choose to make new friends and rebuild old relationships.

You can choose to believe that there are other women in the world who will love just as you are.

 

And You can choose to walk away from this relationship because it's not good for you.

[thefarewellnote]

First off thanks for all the commnets. They help more than you ever know.

 

I can't keep her off my mind. I try and busy myself, by going to a movie, or doing things I like to do, but my stomach is in knots wondering what she is doing. On my way from work today, I just drove thinking that maybe she would be waiting for me at my apartment. Or that maybe she called my cell to just say "Hello". Of course neither of those things happened. I know that deep down in her heart she loves me, and all that. She is just confused. I had a really good talk with one of her friends last night and he said that he can see that she cares for me, and that she loves me...and that she is just confused with life.

 

It is so hard going from having your best friend and lover there for you, to having nothing at all. No one to see when you have a bad day, no one to complain to when someone at work pisses you off. I wake up everynight in a cold sweat thinking of her...and if she is ok. I cook dinner, wondering if she has something to eat. I go shopping wondering if she needs anything. She has always been there for me, caring and loving. She has hurt I know that. She has lied and used me. But it is so hard to hold that againist her.

 

She leaves for the summer in 12 days. It will be the first summer in 3 years that we have been apart. I so want to spend ever minute with her letting her know that I care, and that i am there for her. I just want to be around her. When I am I am overcome with these feelings that are like utopia. I can yell at her or she yell at me, and 5 seconds later I am ready to forgive her. It is so hard to decide if I am ready to see her or just forget she is there. I am scared that if I forget about her, that she will forget about me and push all those feelings away, and there goes all hope of getting back together

 

Everytime I think of what happened the other night and the things I said I feel bad...cause I didn't mean them. But at the same time I feel good...and I don't know why.

 

Life is so hard...I wish I could have a time machine.

[mick8888]

again, you need to get a serious grip because you are in SERIOUS denial. you need to drop this mindset of "being sure she's in love with you" and being afraid of pushing her away and accept/adopt the mindset that it is OVER. O-V-E-R. right now she doesn't want to be with you, and she's treating you like crap, and you're sitting around worrying about what SHE'S doing and focusing all your energies on HER instead of WORRYING ABOUT YOURSELF AND MAKING YOUR LIFE BETTER. No wonder you feel like crap right now?

 

Look, you NEED to start the no contact thing, and start it immediately. It will do one of two things -- it will give her time to miss you and think about things and figure out if she wants to be with you (which is something you CANNOT FORCE), or it will help you get over things and move on if it's not meant to be and she's history. I am fully cognizant of the fact that you don't want to accept the fact that she might be gone for good, but I'm afraid you're gonna have to, or you're gonna keep being hurt and you're never gonna feel better. And to be honest, you know what? Even if she DOES call you and come back right now and tell you how much she loves you and you feel on top of the world, guess what? She's gonna burn you again, and it's gonna hurt even MORE. So do yourself a favor and step back from the whole thing and worry about yourself and what YOU want, stop feeling sorry for yourself or being a sobby baby or stressing about the past and focus on today and tomorrow for YOURSELF. It's your life, not hers, so deal with things for YOURSELF and things will work out the way they're supposed to -- either with her or eventually with someone else. But seriously, GET A GRIP! I don't mean that in a mean way, but you gotta start standing up and getting real about this situation.

[thefarewellnote]

Last night I had some friends come over, and they were running late. I texted her and told her that I was being stood up by friends. She instantaly texted me back and asked who was coming over, and wanted names. I told her friends from work. I then sent her a few others and she never responded. It was like she was worried that I was moving on and not going to be there wallowing over her. Why is that? She tells me that she doen't want me to wallow but then when I am gone somewhere or with someone she wants all the details.

[mick8888]

Alright, you can't be helped until you start helping yourself. Everyone here has been trying to advise you not to talk to this girl in order to avoid exactly these kinds of situations and frustrations, but you choose not to listen. So maybe you deserve to be miserable until you wise up. No offense, but come on!

[karamia]

She was lucky to find someone like you, who cares if she eats, or sleeps, or is taken care of, but its almost like you are a parent, and she is the child and you need to take care of her. She sounds very immature and you sound like you need her to rely on you. She probably feels overwhelmed by your need to be with her always and also that you smother her. She sounds quite like a selfish little girl out for fun and not caring who that hurts until she is found out. Until she grows up and can show some honor and integrity, you are just going to end up getting hurt over and over. She might be the type that can't be faithful. If you cannot live with that, and you obviously can't nor should you, she is not the one for you. I certainly don't have all the answers... and I can't seem to break away from a negative person in my life, but its done. You do not have to be alone. Be proactive. Make yourself join some sort of singles group or a group that goes to plays, movies, sports, clubs... even a church group if you're so inclined. You do not have to be alone. Don't stick around to get kicked around.

[karamia]

I don't think anyone deserves to be miserable.. and part of the reason it seems, that there is this group, is to realize when we are making unhealthy decisions in relationships. If it were easy to walk away for any of us, this group wouldn't be necessary. I think he is doing just fine. He is hurting, he is staying away for the most part, he is sharing with us. He is making some mistakes, he is being honest about the pain he feels and the thoughts running through his head. he can not tell just anyone, but he choses to express himself here, which takes strength. Let him do that without judgement. Even if he chooses not to do what he's been advised to here, does not mean he is wanting misery, he is just thinking he was wrong. He actually has done some of the things he was advised to do... so take heart. We're all in this together it would seem.

[thefarewellnote]

Alright, you can't be helped until you start helping yourself. Everyone here has been trying to advise you not to talk to this girl in order to avoid exactly these kinds of situations and frustrations, but you choose not to listen. So maybe you deserve to be miserable until you wise up. No offense, but come on!

 

I aprreciate your advice, and I am trying not to talk to her or contact her, but it is so hard when you are hurting and then she calls or txts you asking how you are doing. I know that she has hurt me, but I just let go when she calls cause there is always that hope in the back of my mind.

[thefarewellnote]

Also wanted to add that tomorrow I am going to call and make an appointment with a Licensed Professional Counselor...what ever that is? I don't know how i will be able to talk to a counselor.