It Wasnt Real?

[JustMizz]

Today my therapist asked me to come home and write my "Timeline of Crazy", in regards to my ex and his behaviors throughout our relationship. She said she's pretty sure he has some major issues and I need to stay far away from him. The timeline depicts the instances that I can remember in which something came up and he was unable to keep our plans.

 

After writing out my 4 page timeline of our 9 month relationship, yes 4 pages, I can see that the entire relationship was ran by him. When we talked, when we went out, etc. And all of the excuses and things just coming up that kept him from sticking to plans....it's just..a lot. And I can really see what my therapist was getting to, but I still can't fully believe that it was all fake. I will discuss this more with her next week, but I need some tough love now.

 

She said I shouldnt trust him but part of me still wants to and part of me still wants him to come back. I do NOT initiate contact with him anymore. This past weekend he text wanting to exchange things, i did reply to that but he still hasn't shown up. He also text asking if I returned his mother's day gift because he saw a credit on his account. I replied that I did (duh, he knows what the return was and it was a month ago. He checks his acct daily so I'm sure he was just trying to test me).

 

Anyways, give it to me straight, I know ya'll dont hold back. I still fool myself into thinking he does care about me and he's just mixed up, even though he's still active on the dating site. My therapist said he may be a serial dater.

 

Idk what exactly I'm asking here, I just need some encouragement in the right direction to help get my head straight and to finally let go.

[abitbroken]

I think that you should box his things up and mail them if there is not much or have a mutual friend or a relative pick them up and deliver them to him. Or have a friend go with you to drop them off on his porch if he has a house. I think you should ask him to mail your stuff back if its not too many things as well so you no longer have a purpose to keep the lines of communication open. And afte that is complete, i think maybe you will find it easier to move on. its harder to move on with the possibility of someone contacting you. Then you can block him.

[abitbroken]

btw, your relationship WAS real - it existed. But its over now

[JustMizz]

I honestly dont care about the stuff he has of mine. My therapist said that I should not contact him about it. If he wants his stuff (it's too much to mail. Theres an air mattress, a weed water, and other things) he should make the effort to get it.

[JustMizz]

btw, your relationship WAS real - it existed. But its over now

 

The relationship was real, yes, but I'm starting to believe his feelings for me weren't real. That i was never important to him.

[CubbyBear]

Be proud of yourself for going to therapy and analyzing the relationship. It's important to understand what both of you did that contributed to the breakup. It'll help you learn more about yourself and what you need to have healthier relationships going forward.

 

In regards what you need to do with your ex right now. As the other poster said: Take care of it ASAP and with very limited contact. Don't fall for bread crumbs or manipulative texts like the mother's day gift. My ex tries to do the same thing. They're just testing your boundaries and exerting power into your life. Stick to the facts about the stuff you want back and make it as easy/painless as possible. And make sure you're not around to see him. After that, complete block and move on with your life.

[abitbroken]

I honestly dont care about the stuff he has of mine. My therapist said that I should not contact him about it. If he wants his stuff (it's too much to mail. Theres an air mattress, a weed water, and other things) he should make the effort to get it.

 

I disagree with your therapist. You want this done and over. You should gather everything up together in one place, I would mail him any personal stuff - like spare glasses, his house key, any small valuables. And then i would send him a note via text or email or however you communicate that you have mailed them back, and tell him that as far as the rest of the stuff, he needs to arrange to get them by X date, or they will be donated. Give him several options "They will be on my front porch on X weekend (when you plan to not be home)" or "X person will drop them on your porch". And after that date passes -- just keep the items you use regularly and donate the rest. And make that date reasonable - not two days from the note. Maybe give him 10 days unless he responds that he is out of town and will give you a date for when he's back.

[JustMizz]

I know ya'll are right.

 

The thought of him getting his stuff makes me anxious because that part of me that wants to be wrong about him wants to keep it.....to keep that string attached.

 

I'm building myself up, slowly, I'm just not ready to do it. To tell him to come and get it. Maybe next week, but I cant do it today.

 

Last week I was still weepy and emotional, this week I'm definitely stronger. I'm not saying I'll never do it but at this point I'm not ready and I'm pretty sure that's why my therapist said not to.

[DanZee]

Maybe I shouldn't poke my nose into this, but it just seems like he was dating you, not marrying you. I mean, three months into the relationship you wanted to ask him for a specific birthday gift. Four months into the relationship you were disappointed he signed a new lease and didn't ask you to move in with him! People were telling you to slow down, you barely knew the guy. I think your anxieties probably pushed him away. I mean, you can blame him for the relationship breaking up, but I can see from your posts that he was trying to distance himself from you more and more by saying he was too busy to come over, etc. And you went looking through his bags in his truck because you didn't trust what he was telling you. (He might have had second thoughts about giving you a $900 phone because you were acting kind of crazy!) You sensed he was moving away from you and you went into overdrive. I mean, you pushed this relationship way too quickly.

 

I think you're directing your therapist in the wrong direction. Instead if blaming the ex and writing 4 pages of stuff, you should be asking the therapist what is there in your personality that makes you do what you did in this relationship? Is this still fallout from your marriage? Do you have trust issues? (Obviously you do.) Are you too emotionally dependent in a relationship? You need to look more deeply inside of you rather than blaming others. You need to work on that aspect of your personality.

[JustMizz]

My birthday is next month, I'm not sure what you're talking about with the specific birthday gift? I never asked him for anything. I didnt know what to get him for his birthday, is that what you're referring to?

 

We were in a committed relationship, sparked by him asking me to be exclusive. I followed his lead in the relationship.

 

As far as his lease, yes I kind of freaked out but I came here with it, I didnt freak out at him about it. He and I talked about it because he has been saying he was ready to take the next step with me. But I wasn't ready then to live together, idk why it weirded me out.

 

The phone thing was all on him. I didnt ask for it, he said he got me one. He drug it out for months. He could have been honest and told me he didnt get it, but he chose to keep saying he forgot it. He did, however, help me buy a new phone eventually. His idea, again. I didn't ask him, too. My old phone died.

 

Also, I didnt go through his bags, I looked into his truck window. I feel you are exaggerating what I've shared here.

 

Yes, I have anxiety issues and I am insecure. Yes, my therapist is well aware of my issues and I have talked to her about how I feel I pushed him away with my issues. I have never put all of the blame on him. However, he was not reliable from the start and it is my own fault for putting up with it.

[DanZee]

My birthday is next month, I'm not sure what you're talking about with the specific birthday gift?

 

My mistake. It was another poster.

[TeddyPSmith]

JustMizz - I am having a similar experience with my therapist regarding how true my ex was to me. It is indeed VERY confusing when someone suggests that what you experienced was not what you thought you experienced. It's even more challenging because part of you wants to believe that they were bad because it is easier to hate someone that to love them and lose them. I think its important to remember that your therapist (and you) are only representing one side of the story. Your side may be 80% correct but there are nuances that can make a difference.

 

What I have found helpful is to meditate and pray (if you're religious) to see the relationship as it truthfully was. Ive been amazed at what I've discovered since I started doing this. In the end, as Cubby said, you will hope to fully understand what each of you did to contribute to the good and the bad parts. It isn't helpful to write either of you off as totally good or bad. I think it's actually part of acceptance to reach this point. As an example, this morning was the first time I had a happy memory of my relationship (and its been 5 months!). I actually felt warm, sad, accepting....but not angry. I welcomed the change. I hope you can find the peace you are searching for. If you are searching, you surely will find it.

[JustMizz]

Thank you, Teddy!

 

I am feeling very conflicted right now, for sure. I don't want to believe he has these issues my therapists seems to think he has. Just like I dont want to believe that he never truly cared about me. It just doesn't seem feasible.

 

Maybe my therapist is just trying to nudge me in the direction of letting go, which is what I need to do.

 

I certainly need to find some peace because I feel like I am driving myself insane.

[TeddyPSmith]

I know exactly how you feel. My therapist believes that she was a narcissist, an emotional abuser, and was using me for a secure future. That is pretty devastating to hear! It almost nullifies the entire relationship and makes it easy to write her off. However, what does it say about my character that I could allow that to happen unseen?! Unacceptable. You and I know that they loved us and when they loved us and how much they loved us. In the end, they didn't love us enough. Strangely enough, my ex could've accused me of the same thing at times!

 

I think it's important to go through all of the thoughts and process them. Think about each memory. Feel it. Does it make sense? Did you do something to make that memory good or bad? Did he? Your mind is trying to heal itself and it just needs the time to perform the "calculations".

 

I don't know if you journal at all but I have been since the start of the relationship and it has helped tremendously. It's never too late to start writing. Just free-flow and write what you feel. Anything goes. Insanity is not a fun feeling to have!

[JustMizz]

My therapist used the term psychotic, but idk. Yes, he was unreliable and did the whole pretending to buy me a phone for Christmas and never giving it to me thing, but I never sensed that he was a threat.

 

But she said I'm still looking at everything with my emotions and she doesn't have emotions in it and can see it more clearly. But it is just my perception of how things went. And who knows how much of my perception was skewed by my own issues and insecurities?

 

Ugh, I just hate this. I'm thinking journaling might be a good idea. Thank you for the suggestion.

[TeddyPSmith]

I stumbled across this today. I remember when I first read it how it resonated with me. In fact, you might even check out the app "The Language of Letting Go". Its by Melody Beattie who is an expert on codependency. The daily readings are so da*n poignant.

 

http://melodybeattie.com/letting-go-denial/

[JustMizz]

I stumbled across this today. I remember when I first read it how it resonated with me. In fact, you might even check out the app "The Language of Letting Go". Its by Melody Beattie who is an expert on codependency. The daily readings are so da*n poignant.

 

http://melodybeattie.com/letting-go-denial/

 

Thank you for sharing! I actually thought to myself that I dont want to believe the truth because it hurts too much. This was on point.

[TeddyPSmith]

Thank you for sharing! I actually thought to myself that I dont want to believe the truth because it hurts too much. This was on point.

 

You’re welcome! I’m amazed at the daily messages in that app. They are so healing and kind to the soul. It’s almost as if they’re tailored just for me.

 

I really like that you can just go easy on yourself. You’ll know the truth when it’s time. I did strict NC and it absolutely ate me alive with false hope. I saw my ex out on night, broke down and sent her the opposite text that I wanted to...I told her that she was the worst partner i ever had. A couple days later she rewarded me with the knowledge that she had been in a relationship with someone else already. It absolutely SUCKED but it sped up the healing so much. It all happens in its own time.

[JustMizz]

Unfortunately, the app isn't available on android.

 

I last contacted him a week ago, since then it's been limited contact, only to reply to him about his stuff and that gift I returned.

 

It hasnt been as difficult as I thought it would be, but I still find myself wanting to reach out sometimes, but I know there is no point in it. He strung me along for 2 weeks with promises to meet up and talk, only to stand me up twice.

 

It's like he's a completely different person now. Idk if this has affected him at all since he was already on a dating site. Maybe it's what he wanted. It's hard because he was with me the day before. Here with his kids like everything was fine. Then I saw him on the dating site, he denied it and chose to walk away instead of being honest. From texting nonstop every day to nothing. Just cut me out like I was nothing.

 

I struggle with hoping he will come to his senses and realize he doesn't want to lose me and feeling that if he actually loved me this wouldn't have happened at all.

 

Its just so hard to let go because I still love him.

[catfeeder]

If I could teach my younger self any lessons that I wish I'd learned earlier, it's to avoid romanticizing barriers to being together. If someone WANTS to be with you, he will. Everything else is just an excuse.

[Phoenix9]

If I could teach my younger self any lessons that I wish I'd learned earlier, it's to avoid romanticizing barriers to being together. If someone WANTS to be with you, he will. Everything else is just an excuse.

 

I like this, thanks for sharing!

[happysingle]

The relationship was real, yes, but I'm starting to believe his feelings for me weren't real. That i was never important to him.

 

It was important to him to keep up the facade and keep you hanging on a thread so you kind of were. His feelings to control the outcome of the situation were very real. Love? probably not so much if he was trying to manipulate you for x reason.

 

The only way a relationship isn't real is if there is no face to face contact or verbal communication meaning -you never heard his voice, seen his face, or talked to him on the phone and directly having clear conversations about what was actually happening in your "relationship" and it's based in fantasy and the person you're talking to isn't really a person but a group of people.