My ex-boyfriend wants to date other women while seeing me. What should I do?

[sleepywillow]

The entire situation was a lose lose for me, however you slice it. I started seeing my ex again with the hopes of getting back together with him and him seeing other women was something I thought would eventually end. But it never did and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was eating at me inside and I know, regardless of the things I needed to change, that I deserve better. I almost felt like the more time I spent waiting for him and working on things with him, the worse it got. The truth is, I don't think he really cares one bit about how his actions impacted me. Everything is about him and what he needs.

 

So, while this is not easy for me since I love him deeply, I realized that my future is going to be the end result of my actions today, and tomorrow, and the next time he reaches out. I have to just keep telling myself that I want better.

[DancingFool]

The entire situation was a lose lose for me, however you slice it. I started seeing my ex again with the hopes of getting back together with him and him seeing other women was something I thought would eventually end. But it never did and I just couldn't take it anymore. It was eating at me inside and I know, regardless of the things I needed to change, that I deserve better. I almost felt like the more time I spent waiting for him and working on things with him, the worse it got. The truth is, I don't think he really cares one bit about how his actions impacted me. Everything is about him and what he needs.

 

So, while this is not easy for me since I love him deeply, I realized that my future is going to be the end result of my actions today, and tomorrow, and the next time he reaches out. I have to just keep telling myself that I want better.

 

Yes! You do deserve better and I have to say that I really admire your strength and clarity of mind. Choosing to get rid of him today really will help you heal, move on and have the life and the loving relationship that you want with someone else. Stay strong, stay the course. Leave him blocked and never look back. Maybe make a list of all the bad things about him and read it when you feel weak and know that he will not change. If he is selfish, he will be selfish. Fortunately, he won't be your problem anymore.

[sleepywillow]

Thank you. Don't get me wrong. I'm struggling for sure but I'm not going back to that situation. Today is hard but I'm taking it one step at a time.

[DancingFool]

Thank you. Don't get me wrong. I'm struggling for sure but I'm not going back to that situation. Today is hard but I'm taking it one step at a time.

 

Yeah, it's very hard at first, but it does get better and better and one day you wake and realize that you no longer care at all. It's a beautiful day. Make sure that you are kind to yourself - go do things that you enjoy, treat yourself to what you like, get busy in general. Flip on a good comedy or stand up show - laughter helps and distracts your mind.

[sleepywillow]

Last night, I went to dinner with colleagues and guess who I saw there? My ex-bf on a date with another girl. This made me extremely depressed as I feel I didn't impact him at all. He knew I cut him off and he didn't seem bothered at all. I really wish I never started seeing him again because I feel I am in a worse place than ever before. How is he not sad at all? I guess he was using me all along without any intention of giving us another shot.

[boltnrun]

Good news is, now you can discard fantasies of him "choosing" you after holding tryouts for the role of "His Girlfriend" (blech).

 

He can only be sad if he cared about anyone other than himself. Which, apparently HE comes first with him. Anyone else exists for his use/benefit.

 

He will only feel "sad" if he can't find anyone to attend his tryouts. Then he'll contact you pretending to "miss" you and want to see you. But guaranteed he'll still be out there dating.

 

Hope his number and all means of contact are blocked and all social media connections are deleted.

 

You can do much better than this selfish man.

[sleepywillow]

I kept him blocked. I just hate that we live so close that the chances of me bumping into him are so high :(

[sleepywillow]

My ex-bf called me last night from his google hangouts. I didn't recognize the number so picked up. He definitely pulled at my heartstrings, telling me he still loves me and explaining why he wanted the option to date other women while seeing me. He said he wants to make sure that I changed and that our issues are resolved :/ I know I need to be strong but sometimes it's so hard because I've been missing him.

[sleepywillow]

Sorry me again as I need to vent. I'm feeling angry now that I am thinking about the horrible hand he dealt me. He knew the entire time that it bothered me that he was dating other women and I even asked him to please pause his dating to focus on us and rebuilding our relationship without anyone else in the picture. He then turns around the same night to take someone out on a date. I feel so stupid for believing that he actually loved me but needed to see change to recommit. I know I improved but he still continued seeing other women. I'm not sure why his phone call even rattled me but I hope I can get over this soon as I feel I am back to square one. Feeling quite sad and miserable today.

[No1]

I have played those "if you change, we can get back together" games and Ill tell you from your Xs point of view. There was never a chance for a return. You would of been handed challenge after challenge and this could go on and on. I would do this and every so often, show up, give the girls kisses and tell her I see a change, but I need more. Then I could go longer stringing her along. I never ever felt guilty doing it either. In fact, I would of given her more respect for standing up for herself than to be strung along. Even if she did, it wouldn't make me want her back.

 

Point is, he had no intentions of getting back with you. It would of been game after game. In my case(s) I would break up with them and tell them why, they would call and beg me for another chance and to keep from getting calls and unannounced visits. I would tell them to change and add in some lies here and there. I don't do that anymore but just know that this guy is playing you.

 

Breakups are sad but you know what is positive about your situation? You have your absolution, you have your answer. He is NOT coming back and if he did, you wouldn't want him. You can close this chapter of your book of life and just not wonder or worry about him again. He had his chance and its time for a new guy to come into your life and start over.

[sleepywillow]

No1, thank you for your honest story. The sad thing is, I never begged for him to come back to me. We just met up for drinks to have closure in January and at that time, I was actually dating someone. However, that night, he said he missed me and still loved me and wanted us "to try" again. I even left for vacation shortly after for 2 weeks and in those 2 weeks, he texted me everyday to make sure I understood how he felt. I even ended my current relationship to give it a go. Perhaps I was naive but if he did what you stated above, then he is truly manipulative. :(

[boltnrun]

Don't pick up calls from unknown numbers.

 

And sure, he "loves" you, but he wants to make sure you jump through all the hoops he set up so you can prove you deserve him.

 

Once again, barf. He's holding "girlfriend" auditions and wants you to fall all over yourself begging for a chance to be considered.

 

How did you respond to his very belittling and insulting call?

[sleepywillow]

I asked him what he wanted because as far as I knew, whatever it is between us is over (obv not a relationship). He then proceeded to tell me that all he wanted was to see me step up and change!

 

You pretty much summed it up - he wants me to jump through hoops to prove I deserve him. One thing I know for sure is that this is not the definition of love. Rebuilding any relationship requires work and commitment from both partners. I'm sad to acknowledge it but maybe what No1 said it true. However, I never begged or asked for this in the first place.

[boltnrun]

I asked him what he wanted because as far as I knew, whatever it is between us is over (obv not a relationship). He then proceeded to tell me that all he wanted was to see me step up and change!

 

You pretty much summed it up - he wants me to jump through hoops to prove I deserve him. One thing I know for sure is that this is not the definition of love. Rebuilding any relationship requires work and commitment from both partners. I'm sad to acknowledge it but maybe what No1 said it true. However, I never begged or asked for this in the first place.

 

Then don't answer calls or respond to messages from unknown numbers. Your silence and refusal to engage with him will make it clear you find it insulting that he expects you to "try out" for the job of "His Girlfriend" by doing whatever it is he wants.

 

BTW, he probably thinks (and tells people) that he can get you to do whatever he wants because you just love him so gosh darned much! Prove him wrong.

[sleepywillow]

No, I def learned my lesson and will not pick up any calls from numbers that I do not recognize. This whole situation makes me sad because he is diminishing any good memory I had of our 5 years together. Honestly, he was never this way before. He asked me be his girlfriend a month in and was loyal and committed during the 5 years. How come he has changed so much?? :(

[No1]

No1, thank you for your honest story. The sad thing is, I never begged for him to come back to me. We just met up for drinks to have closure in January and at that time, I was actually dating someone. However, that night, he said he missed me and still loved me and wanted us "to try" again. I even left for vacation shortly after for 2 weeks and in those 2 weeks, he texted me everyday to make sure I understood how he felt. I even ended my current relationship to give it a go. Perhaps I was naive but if he did what you stated above, then he is truly manipulative. :(

 

He played you.. Lets look at one simple fact. When you were with someone else, he wanted to see if he had a power over you and you stopped seeing a guy to give it a go. Then what happened? He got what he wanted, then put conditions for his return. He knew he had you no matter what. Then he told you he wanted to see other girls, but you are in the mix.. you stayed right there waiting for him.

 

The reasons behind his playing is not really what is important, its the fact that he did. A guy like that just should not be in your life. Ever. Oh, do you know how to defeat a guy playing this game? You tell him that you know he is playing a game and that you are not interested and then you tell him to have a good life, go find someone else and leave you alone.

 

My guess is he is going to try to convince you everything is good, pull at your heart strings, say things to make you melt. To defeat that is to not listen, read, converse, talk, message, email, smoke signals, or carrier pigeon anything to him. If he calls, you reject it, if he texts, you delete it. You don't respond no matter what he says because he is going to panic that he no longer has power over you. Might use guilt, anger, bargaining, reasoning anything that will get you to listen. DONT listen. You must stay strong.

 

There is a better guy out there.. he is waiting to meet you. So stand up, dust yourself off, learn from this and do things to make you happy.. smile and the world will smile with you

[sleepywillow]

Thanks No1. As hard as it was to hear, I know you are completely right. I was played and I hate knowing that, only because we were with each other for 5 years where he was loyal and committed. I never imagined that he could do such a thing :(

[Wiseman2]

This alone is so insulting, you should have told him where to go, not to mention the crap about seeing others.

he wants to make sure that I changed

[No1]

Remember, he is the one that changed. For some reason or another he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with you. But he himself is also a wuss because he is the one that cant let you go. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. So he keeps you hanging until he is ready to cut the cord and not have you cut the cord from him. What he is showing is that in a way, he needs you more than you need him. However, he doesn't know this.

 

You have a lot of power right now. You have the say, you control your own happiness. All you have to do is want to take it and hold it. As I said, I don't think he is going to let you go easy. If he does, great, but he is going to hate the thought of you with another guy. If he didn't mind, he would of let you go by now. So all you have to do is cut the cord yourself and tell him to enjoy his life and good luck. Then you stick to it.

 

You are a wonderful person and the next guy is out there somewhere. Look at it this way. As soon as you cut the cord and let him go, you will have room in your life and in your heart for someone better. Look forward to what can and will happen, and not what happened.

[sleepywillow]

Thank you for your kind words, No1. Really needed it right now. I've been thinking about what happened during the pst 6 months and it's making me feel so sad and depressed.

[boltnrun]

Unfortunately, who he's been for the past 6 months is the new him. The old him is gone.

 

You can't cling to him based on the way things USED to be.

 

Today he is a man who treats you with no respect whatsoever.

 

And too bad for him. He loses.

[sleepywillow]

Thanks boltnrun. I'm never going to look back ever again on this relationship or him! When we first broke up, I went through such a hard time even though it was me who ended things. I knew at that time that he wasn't right for me even though I loved him deeply. I was foolish to think he could be right for me this time around. If anything, during the past 6 months, he has gotten worse in my eyes so there's no turning back anymore.

[Polly1]

I don't like the sound of your ex - he's asking you to change before he is willing to commit. This really bugs me because often people split and both have their flaws, and there will be things that he could do with reflecting on and changing himself no doubt. For starters, expecting a girlfriend that loves him to tolerate him sleeping with other women.

 

Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it all by himself, whilst expecting you to change into his ideal woman.

 

Nope sorry, just sounds like too much heartbreak for you.

 

I think you need to cut off contact for a while, heal, go through all the emotions, and move on. I think it's really difficult to move on properly unless you spend some time no contact.

 

But it will give you chance to reflect on his behaviour towards you and what he is expecting you to accept from him. Sounds like he's not ready for a serious relationship yet and just wants to play the field. Get rid!

[sleepywillow]

Polly1 and SweetGirl28 - thank you! I do deserve respect from him but I would never get it if I stayed in that situation. I was dealt a horrible hand and it was a lose lose for me.

[sleepywillow]

I'm having such a hard day today. I just heard through mutual friends that my ex-bf is seeing someone seriously. I don't know why but hearing that is making me feel a bit crazy. 6 months of trying with him and this is what I get :( A part of me feels like calling him to ask him why he had the heart to do that to me. The other part of me knows that I will not get the answers or validation that I deserve from him. Ugh. I can't focus on work and all I think about him and what I did to deserve this. And to think that I used to be the "love of his life."