Why is the common advice to heal before moving on?

[DoneWithU]

Just curious to know why the standard advice is to heal before moving on.

 

I've found it easier to meet someone new to help forget the ex. But then again, look at the situation I'm in. 14 year marriage dead, and just recently 3 year relationship dead and here on this message board an hour or two a day sad and twisted when I should be working.

 

Instead of NC with my current ex, she's become my business partner. Argh I'm so stupid, the pain will take twice as long to subside.

 

I rarely listen to good advice....

[CubbyBear]

You just answered your own question. If you continue to see your ex, you will not heal and move on. She already chose not to be with you and already has a new boyfriend. I'm not trying to be mean here but why do you keep posting for advice if you choose not to follow it? It's like you're a masochist. Have some dignity and self-respect and walk away. You must realize all this hanging out with her is just bread crumbs. She is not going to just wake up one day and choose to be with you. You're allowing her to take advantage of you because you have no boundaries. Huge turn-off....if you lose respect for yourself, others won't respect you. She broke your heart and you're sending the message that, that's ok. She HAS A BOYFRIEND. Keep telling yourself that until it sticks my friend. And you dating right now is just to get back at her and make her jealous.

 

14 years is a long time, man. I can't even begin to know what that feels like. But you're still living in the denial phase of grief. You need to move onto one of the other ones...like anger..

 

Tell her to eff off and stop this madness. I really want to see you heal and NC is going to be the only way.

[11moreweeks]

From what I understand, there are four main reasons for this.

 

1: Your brain is hardwired to be with your ex. Being with someone else will lead to you treating them as if they were your ex in some ways, as your brain recognizes similarities or differences. It stops being about the person, but instead makes the new relationship heavily related to your ex. You need time for your brain to actually create new synapses. You are not emotionally available because you are hardwired to be with someone else. This is also why the common advice is to take reconciliations extremely slowly, or rebounds if they do end up happening -- entirely new dynamics have to be formed after the person entirely changing as a single or mostly-single person.

 

2: It's escaping from your feelings, rather than healthily processing them. It's just an escape, just as drugs or alcohol might be, and it can be just as destructive and unpredictable as other escapes. Given the emotional and social trauma brought on from a breakup, when it is still fresh, new relationships fresh after breakups are both more likely to fail and more likely to hurt. It could be doubling down on your feelings.

 

3: Dating someone while recovering from a breakup is just using someone else to process your emotions. It can and very often does seriously hurt people because relationships have two people envisioning a future and putting emotional investment into something. Choosing to date while recovering from a breakup is tantamount to saying, "My emotions are the most important thing right now, so I don't care if I hurt someone else if it feels good." Sometimes the reboundee then becomes a rebounder as well, leading to a chain reaction of just spreading the breakup misery from person to person.

 

4: People are usually not that self-aware or in touch with their emotions, especially not after a breakup. People regularly think they're "ready" before realizing that they actually weren't at a later time, leading to just a lot of messy pain for 2 or more people. Taking risks in this area can have big consequences, so it's usually better to take the initially-more-uncomfortable approach of processing the loss as it truly should be processed.

 

 

A small example of this is that apparently my ex felt like she was too emotional for her new BF, as someone problematically told me -- but she's not, and she's really not that emotional of a person. She was just struggling from from the breakup (even though she initiated it), so perhaps more emotional than normal, and she was used to being with someone who cared for her as much as I did (which took years to develop. 8 years together, so it was a very deep and caring connection. She felt bad that she didn't have this with her new bf). For my ex, she's probably learning the hard way that the reason you shouldn't date after a relationship is because you have to rediscover what it actually means to be alone (and be happy with that, so you actually have something to share with someone else), and because you have to form an entirely new dynamic totally devoid of influences from the past relationship in your new relationship.

[CubbyBear]

Read the following if you can:

 

-How to get over your ex by J Riley

-The Dating Playbook for Men (I know, it's not about breakups but it will be a nice wake up call as to what women find attractive vs. what you're doing right now)

-Getting past your breakup by Susan Elliot

 

They helped me tremendously and are helping me reach the acceptance phase. It really all boils down to changing your mindset, improving yourself, and for the love of God, NC NC NC NC NC. You have to heal and rebuild your confidence and happiness again. Then and only then will you be able to be logical about what your next steps are. I continue to read passages from there when I have urges to reach out to my ex.

 

It's funny and please dont' take this the wrong way but when I read your posts, I think to myself...how ridiculous is that guy being? Why the hell would he invite more pain into his life? She has a boyfriend, you're dating to make her jealous, you're hanging out with her, and now becoming business partners?! It's so clear that she is taking advantage of you and that you need to cut ties. But when I look at my situation, I find myself wanting to text her (slipped up once the week of the breakup) and trying to make things work with her. And if she did call me up today and ask me to hang out...I would probably be stupid enough to do it (DESPITE everyones advice). But why? Why is it easier to give advice thenNOT take it for your own situation? Easy....emotions. I'm not invested in your situation (neither is anyone on these forums) so they're going to give you the best advice. Emotions cloud judgement. You're deeply wounded and hurting so you're allowing those emotions to control your logic. And they're not making good decisions right now. Much like the rest of us going through our own stuff...hence why we go on these forums to ask for advice.

 

Before anything else, you need to stop and look in the mirror and say "I'm not going to her control my emotions anymore. I'm tired of living like this and I deserve better. This stops now." Say it loud and say it proud. You need to make the decision to move on from all this and stop inviting more pain in your life. No one else is going to look out for your well being (including her) so it's up to you. It's going to take a lot of courage to make this decision and stick with it but that's the power in it. You just took the first step in taking back your confidence, happiness, and your future.

 

Despite what you think right now, no one is worth having that just causes you more pain and heartache. Remove her from your life, heal, and get to the best version you've ever been. Once you are truly over her (and I mean truly) then will be at a place to to make the right decision of wanting her back or not. There is just really no other way.

 

Thinking of you

[nutbrownhare]

What 11moreweeks said. I really can't add to it.

[lostandhurt]

Using someone else to get over your ex is selfish and hurtful. The new person doesn't know your are distracting yourself with them and they really don't know who you are since you are still not healed, just trying to make yourself feel better.

 

If you don't want to repeat the same things in past relationships you need to be alone and reflect and grow. Swinging from one limb to another will not do that for you...

 

Lost

[TeddyPSmith]

From what I understand, there are four main reasons for this.

 

1: Your brain is hardwired to be with your ex. Being with someone else will lead to you treating them as if they were your ex in some ways, as your brain recognizes similarities or differences. It stops being about the person, but instead makes the new relationship heavily related to your ex. You need time for your brain to actually create new synapses. You are not emotionally available because you are hardwired to be with someone else. This is also why the common advice is to take reconciliations extremely slowly, or rebounds if they do end up happening -- entirely new dynamics have to be formed after the person entirely changing as a single or mostly-single person.

 

2: It's escaping from your feelings, rather than healthily processing them. It's just an escape, just as drugs or alcohol might be, and it can be just as destructive and unpredictable as other escapes. Given the emotional and social trauma brought on from a breakup, when it is still fresh, new relationships fresh after breakups are both more likely to fail and more likely to hurt. It could be doubling down on your feelings.

 

3: Dating someone while recovering from a breakup is just using someone else to process your emotions. It can and very often does seriously hurt people because relationships have two people envisioning a future and putting emotional investment into something. Choosing to date while recovering from a breakup is tantamount to saying, "My emotions are the most important thing right now, so I don't care if I hurt someone else if it feels good." Sometimes the reboundee then becomes a rebounder as well, leading to a chain reaction of just spreading the breakup misery from person to person.

 

4: People are usually not that self-aware or in touch with their emotions, especially not after a breakup. People regularly think they're "ready" before realizing that they actually weren't at a later time, leading to just a lot of messy pain for 2 or more people. Taking risks in this area can have big consequences, so it's usually better to take the initially-more-uncomfortable approach of processing the loss as it truly should be processed.

 

 

A small example of this is that apparently my ex felt like she was too emotional for her new BF, as someone problematically told me -- but she's not, and she's really not that emotional of a person. She was just struggling from from the breakup (even though she initiated it), so perhaps more emotional than normal, and she was used to being with someone who cared for her as much as I did (which took years to develop. 8 years together, so it was a very deep and caring connection. She felt bad that she didn't have this with her new bf). For my ex, she's probably learning the hard way that the reason you shouldn't date after a relationship is because you have to rediscover what it actually means to be alone (and be happy with that, so you actually have something to share with someone else), and because you have to form an entirely new dynamic totally devoid of influences from the past relationship in your new relationship.

 

This is solid gold. I need to remember all of this

[boltnrun]

You wrote this in another thread.

 

"Love you so much, hopefully everything fixes itself over the coming weeks. I don't really want to date anyone else, I'm just doing it to piss you off, and it was nice to see that it worked. I guess if you can screw other people so can I, maybe someone can teach me some new tricks in bed."

 

You only want to date to try to make your ex jealous. It's not nice to use people like that. I mean, your ex is treating you poorly and it hurts you...why inflict that kind of pain on someone else?

[Guest]

 

Why it easier to give advice thenNOT take it for your own situation? Easy....emotions. I'm not invested in your situation (neither is anyone on these forums) so they're going to give you the best advice. Emotions cloud judgement. You're deeply wounded and hurting so you're allowing those emotions to control your logic. And they're not making good decisions right now. Much like the rest of us going through our own stuff...hence why we go on these forums to ask for advice.

 

Sooooo true!!!!!! I read all those posts and want to give my advice.... but so far I’m resisting. If I’m still on here asking for advice myself, I’m clearly not yet in a position to dish it out. But it’s so easy to see the situation for what it is, when you’re an outsider. When you’re the one going through it, it’s a totally different matter.

[figureitout23]

Just curious to know why the standard advice is to heal before moving on.

 

I've found it easier to meet someone new to help forget the ex. But then again, look at the situation I'm in. 14 year marriage dead, and just recently 3 year relationship dead and here on this message board an hour or two a day sad and twisted when I should be working.

 

Instead of NC with my current ex, she's become my business partner. Argh I'm so stupid, the pain will take twice as long to subside.

 

I rarely listen to good advice....

 

I agree with the other poster, you answered your own question.

 

You hopped from a 14 year marriage to this new relationship, never fully healing from the first relationship so your pain is compounded.

 

I said this before, I look at it as you're a statue and you get chipped away with every break up, some take the time to put themselves back together while others just keep going so the next chips away more and the next chips away more until you've got nothing left.

 

I have been ranting and raving about online dating lately and I think it plays a huge role in deteriorating dating/relationships because people don't bother healing, it's so much easier to push it down and focus on a new person but that's all you're doing, pushing that pain down instead of facing it.

[figureitout23]

You wrote this in another thread.

 

"Love you so much, hopefully everything fixes itself over the coming weeks. I don't really want to date anyone else, I'm just doing it to piss you off, and it was nice to see that it worked. I guess if you can screw other people so can I, maybe someone can teach me some new tricks in bed."

 

You only want to date to try to make your ex jealous. It's not nice to use people like that. I mean, your ex is treating you poorly and it hurts you...why inflict that kind of pain on someone else?

 

Oh wow...

 

I don't understand why some who are hurting see nothing wrong with dragging others down into their muck. My sympathy leaves the building when that happens.

[Guest]

 

I said this before, I look at it as you're a statue and you get chipped away with every break up, some take the time to put themselves back together while others just keep going so the next chips away more and the next chips away more until you've got nothing left.

 

I love that analogy