Extreme Attention Seeker Or?

[yatsue]

I won't say you're jealous, but maybe projecting. We don't really know how she's acting, there's no concrete evidence it's all based on someone's explanation of the situation, through his lens.

 

I can't pinpoint where she disrespected herself. For all we know she's an beautiful girl who gets a lot of attention. It would be one thing if she cheated or took numbers, she did none of that.

 

Perhaps I project the image of my friend onto the OP's girlfriend a bit, but it doesn't overshadow the red flags I see in her like I do with this particular friend of mine. As mentioned, I have other girlfriends who talk about the guys who hit on them, as do I, but are way more reserved about it and it comes into the conversation naturally rather than loudly out of nowhere. I also never see them flirt or get an elated high off of it similarly like she does, in the context of a relationship. The similar red flags I see are:

 

1) the loud, "obnoxious" behavior towards men's attention to their self

 

2) don't treat females the same way like she does with men, trying to bring attention to herself when concerning this particular sex

 

3) guys trying to give her their number after she aggressively initiates conversation (the loud behavior, then followed by the "hey" "what's up" starter) - she didn't take it, but she already got her kick out of it, didn't she. I point this out because these guys recognize her intrusive behavior enough as a green light for "she's flirting with me". Girls get offered guys numbers unsolocited as well, but this was not the case. She's asking for this kind of reaction because of her preserverence of MULTIPLE (another red flag) guys this way

 

4) gets very jealous of the OP having a casual (not loud or attention garnering) two minute talk with another woman, while she has grabbed the attention of a guy she singles out for a long time, making the OP feel like a third wheel

 

^All of this is excessive behavior is too much. It is inappropriate and she even has a double standard (big red flag). I really can't see how anyone can think that having at least this double standard is okay. Do as I say and not as I do screams bad news.

[figureitout23]

I feel like I am quoting nearly the entire original post, but since you asked.

 

 

 

No she did not give him her number, that wasn't her goal (not yet anyway). Her goal was seeking this guy's attention, which she did quite adeptly from what I just read.

 

I mean placing her hand on this man's shoulder (whom she had never met prior) while talking and laughing with him? While her boyfriend was sitting beside her?

 

Do you honestly think this is appropriate behavior for a woman in a committed relationship, especially while out with her boyfriend?

 

Is this something you would do while out with your boyfriend? Would you be okay if your boyfriend were to touch another woman while talking and laughing with her, while you were sitting beside him?

 

ALL of it was inappropriate and disrespectful behavior for a woman in a committed RL, but if you don't see it that way, then fair enough, nothing left to discuss!

 

His impression, theres no evidence she did anything. what jumps out to me with the bold is how he describes her as a person, doesnt seem like even even likes her as a person much less a girlfriend.

 

I agree we just took in the info differently, no big.

[katrina1980]

 

Katrina, speaking of that last relationship and jealousy issues, we went out one night to a bar and he was blatantly getting hit on by a girl at the bar, I mean it was bad, he talked to her and was friendly, I mean what was he supposed to do, slap her and say, back off! I'm with her! Anyway yeah it was bad, I could not stop laughing because it was obvious to me he was just tying to be nice but didn't really want her to keep talking to him.

 

 

LOL, no he needn't be rude and scream out, "back off, I'm with her"!! Totally unnecessary and uncalled for and I don't think anyone would expect their partner to react that way when getting hit on by the opposite sex.

 

But I can say in all honesty, when I was out with any of my boyfriends, and another man was hitting on me, I would NOT engage him and immediately turn to my boyfriend so as to send this guy the message that I am with someone.

 

Or make a point of including my boyfriend in the conversation, so as to send the SAME message -- I am with someone.

 

But obviously you and I have different boundaries, which is fine, we often agree to disagree.

[purplepaisley]

Can she change on her own? Probably. Maybe. She'll have to suffer the negative consequences of her actions a lot before she finally puts two and two together, though, and I don't know that you want to be the experiment in all this. By consequences, not only will she lose a few potentially good men over this behavior, but platonic friends might distance themselves from her due to her hitting on men who are known to have GFs or wives, and generally makes people embarrassed and uncomfortable. Does this behavior bleed into the work place? So yes, I do believe most people have the capacity to change certain behaviors after suffering multiple negative consequences from such behavior. Of course there are no guarantees, and I think a big trial with her would be the fact that you have lost some trust and confidence in her. When the cat's away the mice will play. She may behave herself in your presence, but what happens when you're not around? What happens when there's some alcohol on board? She didn't give her number, but did she make out with a guy, flirt, bump and grind on the dance floor, etc.? What's the line? And the thing is, she may change temporarily, but if she has some deep-seated issues, it's just a matter of time before she reverts, particularly if your relationship hits a rough patch, as all relationships tend to do from time to time.

[figureitout23]

LOL, no he needn't be rude and scream out, "back off, I'm with her"!! Totally unnecessary and uncalled for and I don't think anyone would expect their partner to react that way when getting hit on by the opposite sex.

 

But I can say in all honesty, when I was out with any of my boyfriends, and another man was hitting on me, I would NOT engage him and immediately turn to my boyfriend so as to send this guy the message that I am with someone.

 

Or make a point of including my boyfriend in the conversation, so as to send the SAME message -- I am with someone.

 

But obviously you and I have different boundaries, which is cool.

 

I accidentally left out a big part of the story, she was super drunk. Maybe it would have been different if she was sober and hitting on him, I cant say. I've gotten into conversations with other men while I've been out with dates, women too, often times its led to a conversation with multiple people involved including my dates, so maybe I'm looking at it in that way. I guess I don't see it as a boundary thing as much as a trust thing. You either trust who your with or you don't. If you're exclusive, its an obvious boundary that you don't date others while on a date with me, haha.

 

I think we may be describing two things because you see his explanation as blatantly hitting on by these men and her not only allowing it but playing it up. I don't view the situation in that way. Would I be ok with blatant hitting on that was being accepted and played up by my date? Of course not I wouldnt go out with them ever again, much less 3 more times where the same thing keeps happening... I think you see where Im going here.

[katrina1980]

 

I've gotten into conversations with other men while I've been out with dates, women too, often times its led to a conversation with multiple people involved including my dates, so maybe I'm looking at it in that way.

 

I have too which is a whole different thing from what the OP's girlfriend's was doing, from what I read.

 

The way he described it, each occasion was a one-on-one with her talking, laughing, flirting and sometimes touching another man while he just sat their and watched feeling like the third wheel.

 

Course that's on him, I certainly wouldn't have.

 

If my bf ever did anything like that with me standing or sitting next to him, and didn't attempt to include me in the convo, I would get up and leave.

 

I do realize there are women who would prefer to "mark their territory" (so to speak) and say something to the woman, or insert herself into the convo without her boyfriend's prompting, but I am not one of them.

 

I would just leave!

[katrina1980]

 

I think we may be describing two things because you see his explanation as blatantly hitting on by these men and her not only allowing it but playing it up. I don't view the situation in that way. Would I be ok with blatant hitting on that was being accepted and played up by my date? Of course not I wouldnt go out with them ever again, much less 3 more times where the same thing keeps happening... I think you see where Im going here.

 

Yes I do (see where you're going) but I usually take things at face value; I don't ascribe any hidden meanings or agenda to them.

 

He described these situations very clearly and succinctly; so not quite sure how one could interpret it any other way other than how he described, unless they think he was exaggerating, made it up or lying.

 

He said he's been in several long term relationships prior, and never experienced any jealousy or over-reacting, so personally I do believe the way he explained is how it happened.

 

That is really all we have to go on, isn't it?

 

Unless again one believes he was exaggerating or lying and I have no reason to think that's what he was doing. I mean why would he? This is an anonymous message board there is no reason for anyone to exaggerate or lie on here!

 

I also believe that often times we may view a situation through our own personal lenses, and since I would never behave the way she did (again how he described it), seeing such behavior as disrespectful to my boyfriend, perhaps that is why I took what he posted at face value and again not ascribing any hidden agenda to it.

[James3270]

I accidentally left out a big part of the story, she was super drunk. Maybe it would have been different if she was sober and hitting on him, I cant say. I've gotten into conversations with other men while I've been out with dates, women too, often times its led to a conversation with multiple people involved including my dates, so maybe I'm looking at it in that way. I guess I don't see it as a boundary thing as much as a trust thing. You either trust who your with or you don't. If you're exclusive, its an obvious boundary that you don't date others while on a date with me, haha.

 

I think we may be describing two things because you see his explanation as blatantly hitting on by these men and her not only allowing it but playing it up. I don't view the situation in that way. Would I be ok with blatant hitting on that was being accepted and played up by my date? Of course not I wouldnt go out with them ever again, much less 3 more times where the same thing keeps happening... I think you see where Im going here.

 

I think you are so caught up in the assumptions you created in your own head that you will say anything in order to try and make your argument valid. Of course there are always 2 sides to the story, but I am sharing the facts of what happened. I'm not bashing her and I don't think she's a bad person. It's what it is.

 

Not looking for your assumptions. I'm looking for perspectives.

[figureitout23]

I think you are so caught up in the assumptions you created in your own head that you will say anything in order to try and make your argument valid. Of course there are always 2 sides to the story, but I am sharing the facts of what happened. I'm not bashing her and I don't think she's a bad person. It's what it is.

 

Not looking for your assumptions. I'm looking for perspectives.

 

Dude I can think you're a one eyed,

one horned flying purple people eater, what does it matter? What argument do I need to make valid? The fact that you already made a post about this topic a week ago? The fact that she told you she is who she is? The fact that you said then it was over? The fact that you are now beating the rotten corpse of a dead horse?

 

Please tell me how this post is about gaining perspectives when the second you get a perspective you don't like you make snide comments?

 

Between the two posts you've had at least a dozen people tell you, you aren't a good match.

 

Im sorry, I don't think it's as one sided as you're making it out to be, but let's say I did, let's look at the facts - You don't like who she is as a person, it's easy to tell how you speak of her, and from your perspective she disrespects you when you go out, blatantly at that. Yet you keep going out with her, apparently to the same types of places. You know what they say about the definition of insanity...

 

You yourself said it needs to be over before you two resent one another, yet here you are trying again to change her. Stop trying to change her, stop trying to box her in, let her find someone she is compatible with cause it isn't you. End it.

[katrina1980]

Hi James, I just read your other thread, and between both threads I still feel the same, that her behavior was inappropriate and disrespectful.

 

Kudos to you for recognizing that and ending it! Given your feelings, no doubt that was not an easy decision.

 

Now to "this" thread.

 

I sense you are starting to really miss her, thinking of all the good times, which is typical, and you created it to get opinions as to whether or not she can change.

 

That is hard to say but given she sees nothing wrong with her behavior, doesn't even realize she's doing it indicates this is just her nature.

 

It's never a good idea to try to change a person's nature or expect them to.

 

She is who she is and you are who you are.

 

You see it as inappropriate and disrespectful, which is your prerogative, you did the right thing by ending it.

 

This is such a cliche but time really does heal; I've gotten through too much bs in my life to say otherwise!

[James3270]

Dude I can think you're a one eyed,

one horned flying purple people eater, what does it matter? What argument do I need to make valid? The fact that you already made a post about this topic a week ago? The fact that she told you she is who she is? The fact that you said then it was over? The fact that you are now beating the rotten corpse of a dead horse?

 

Please tell me how this post is about gaining perspectives when the second you get a perspective you don't like you make snide comments?

 

Between the two posts you've had at least a dozen people tell you, you aren't a good match.

 

Im sorry, I don't think it's as one sided as you're making it out to be, but let's say I did, let's look at the facts - You don't like who she is as a person, it's easy to tell how you speak of her, and from your perspective she disrespects you when you go out, blatantly at that. Yet you keep going out with her, apparently to the same types of places. You know what they say about the definition of insanity...

 

You yourself said it needs to be over before you two resent one another, yet here you are trying again to change her. Stop trying to change her, stop trying to box her in, let her find someone she is compatible with cause it isn't you. End it.

 

Your perspective is based on your false assumptions. I think you're too ignorant to get it. My question was "Do you think she can change on her own?" based on what I shared. How is that beating a dead horse? I didn't ask that in the last thread and this a new topic because she is asking for a second chance. Really try to think about it.

[figureitout23]

Your perspective is based on your false assumptions. I think you're too ignorant to get it. My question was "Do you think she can change on her own?" based on what I shared. How is that beating a dead horse? I didn't ask that in the last thread and this a new topic because she is asking for a second chance. Really try to think about it.

 

You're right James, I am ignorant, I'm making false assumption and I have the wrong impression about you, you are definitely not a one eyed one horned flying purple people eater, I have seen the light.

 

Now that that's put to the side what are you going to do about your situation? If you already made the decision this relationship was incompatible why is this still an issue?

[katrina1980]

James, why are you focusing in on one poster's opinion?

 

I mean it really appears fio's posts are affecting you in a negative way, why?

 

She is just one poster!

 

She is entitled to her opinion, instead of placing your focus on the one opinion you don't agree with, focus on the other positive ones!

 

You did what you felt was best for you, that is all that matters, and I just posted about why you should not expect her to change, the subject of this thread!

 

You probably didn't even read it being you're so pre-occupied with the one poster you don't agree with.

[James3270]

James, why are you focusing in on one poster's opinion?

 

I mean it really appears fio's posts are affecting you in a negative way, why?

 

She is just one poster!

 

She is entitled to her opinion, instead of placing your focus on the one opinion you don't agree with, focus on the other positive ones!

 

You did what you felt was best for you, that is all that matters, and I just posted about why you should not expect her to change, the subject of this thread!

 

You probably didn't even read it being you're so pre-occupied with the one poster you don't agree with.

 

I did read every post and absolutely agree with yours. Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, I think giving advice based on assumptions is a very dangerous thing to do and it would be terrible if someone were to take such advice. I have to think some people who post here are younger and impressionable.

 

You are absolutely right about missing her and the memories. She was/is a lot of fun and that's what makes all of this so hard. I know I can't go back, but I wish there would be a lot of people on this thread that went through a similiar situation and it all ended up working out. Hopeful but not realistic.

 

Thank you for your responses.

[Vexna]

Sorry but do yourself a favor and drop her for good. Her begging you for another chance is just another manifestation of attention seeking behavior and wanting to feel in control. Since you dumped her, it hurt her ego. Now she haaaas to get you to back just to patch up her ego and prove to herself that she can manipulate you like that. Don't be surprised that as soon as you take her back she ends up dumping you.

 

What she is going is highly calculated, intentional and obviously effective. That goes more onto a personality disorder spectrum rather than just a simple case of insecurities. Stay far far away.

 

Yeah, this ^

 

Basically she's hitting on other guys right in front of you and she's aware of it, no matter what she says. I'd dump her like a hot stone and as long as she wants you back and you hesitate- YOU'RE in control, so keep it that way, do NOT take her back! She'll be crawling bc you hurt her ego and as above stated, now she has to get you back.

[Wiseman2]

It's best to cut your losses. At 4-5 mos, incompatibilities like this come up. She can't rearrange her personality for you and you shouldn't have to be with someone you describe as "obnoxious" or "attention *****".

I have dated for the last 4-5 months. I just don't know if she can change.

[Honeycomb8]

Her behaviour is totally NOT okay. I'm a friendly chick and guys have mistaken my friendliness for flirtiness often, but I def wouldn't be flirting with some guy if I had a bf, ESP not in front of him. God I am not a jealous person but if my bf went out of his way to chat up females and touch their shoulder, I would be gone. And I'm someone that is cool with their bf hanging out with female friends one on one.

 

Stay gone. She just wants power and more attention. I guarantee you If you get back with her, you'll regret it and have your heart and self esteem trashed. Believe me, you didn't lose anything of value.

[ManyDates]

OP what does her social media account(s) look like? Is it all heavily edited glamour photos and 5000 fake friends? Primo attention w**** red flag right there....