NC - Mornings are the worst

[EstuaryKid]

It has been almost 2 weeks now NC with my ex.

I find the mornings are pretty terrible. You wake up and, for a moment, have forgotten what has happened... and then... you remember... and the pain and anxiety are awful.

I am just writing this so that I don't contact her!

Because you wake up feeling like this and start writing an email or sms... then the mists lift just in time and just enough to make you stop writing and not press send.

Then I find, later in the day, I feel strong enough to give myself a break - to stop thinking about her and the relationship for a short while. To stop wishing she would come back.

Then I feel the wholesome benefits of remaining NC - whilst balancing it all on a deep, swirling sea of wanting to connect.

I wonder if hope is forlorn in these situations, or whether a little bit of hope (of reconciliation) is natural. One can maintain hope whilst, at the same time, move on with one's life. Or is hope corrosive to the natural healing process?

Do other folk feel like this?

[Realitynut]

LOL....after the fiancée' dumped me, I was in denial....and HOPEFUL stage forever. Then came the depression. (he had another woman) But mornings were by far the worst. I didn't want to wake up and face the day. And I didn't want to go to bed. I'd stay up half the night....(on here...lol) and feel pretty good by the time I went to bed. Then I'd wake up...depressed again. This went on for 6 months before I could stop crying....and another 2 years before I was fairly happy...so yeah. Bad.

[EstuaryKid]

Thank you - I am so sorry you were in pain for so long. I do feel better than I did 2/3 weeks ago, but still wretched.

 

Edit: actually, no, sometimes I feel much worse... then there are periods of relief. It's all rather erratic isn't it.

[1a1a]

That split moment before you remember the bottom fell out of the world.

 

I think Hope is futile and hinders the healing process. And I’m here to reassure you, it won’t feel like that forever, you will get your equilibrium back (and probably be a much leveled up person for having gone through that grief). It may not go completely, I still feel cut my ex ditched me and 6 months later lives with his cuddle buddy, after telling me he didn’t have time for a relationship, he goes and gives one to someone else. But I don’t wake up feeling like anymore and haven’t for a long time.

[Keyman]

Yes, this is fairly common as the unconscious mind shifts slowly into focus when we wake up.

 

I found a method that worked for me to distract my mind first thing in the morning. I put up a girlie calendar. It was a long time ago now, so I don't remember exactly where it was from, but it was not a nude/topless calendar or anything, probably from a men's magazine like FHM or whatever. But that is not the point.

 

Basically, I had it on the wall so that when I woke up it was one of the first things I saw and I would even wish her a good morning. In some way that seemed to fool my mind out of that start of the day low of loneliness. I even started wishing her good night as well. It was like I had a replacement girlfriend for a month, albeit a much quieter one, and at the beginning of the new month, I'd turn the page and get a new one!

 

I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it helped me. I was living alone in my own flat, so it was a distraction for my mind.

[Idontevenkno]

I know how you feel this is what I'm going through also, it's been almost 3 weeks since the split but only no contact since the weekend.

 

I also wake up in the mornings and it's all I can think about, it seems to get easier throughout the day but when I'm at work or doing something that doesn't require much thought sometimes that feeling comes back and all I want is him to come back, then usually by the evening I have a clear picture of why we're not together and that it will all be ok in the end.

 

I have the hope thing too, that if I'm feeling this bad surely he is too and any day now he'll realise his mistakes and come back, sometimes I think that's what keeps me going, then I think about him coming back and I think that after this it would never be the same and I don't know if I could even take him back.

 

Stick with it and apparently it gets better.

 

Although I've had many break ups in the past and don't remember any of them feeling quite so bad for so long, I always thought that within a few weeks I was back to normality doing my own thing, but I had a lot invested in this one, I really thought that was me for life now.

[EstuaryKid]

Hi Idontevenkno - I really empathise with you. I would maintain NC if you can - it hurts, but it helps with gaining perspective on everything. I experience the same pattern and flow of emotion - the bad mornings / feel a little lighter as the day progresses / feeling the gut punch of the breakup during those moments when we're not distracted. I, too, have a clear idea of why it has ended... it sometimes lightens the load because it wasn't about me but circumstance. But I think if two people love each other, why not try as hard as possible to make it work?

 

I've had a fair few break-ups too but I invested more than usual in this relationship and had looked ahead with her.

 

Was it all rather sudden for you? What reasons were you given for the break up? If you'd like to share.

[Idontevenkno]

The break up was sort of my idea, he'd changed a lot and had put his hobbies ahead of our relationship for months, I'd repeatedly tried to say I needed more and wasn't happy but he didn't want to change anything.

 

I guess I thought by breaking up with him he'd realise what he was losing but the opposite happened and he accepted my reasons and told me I was right, that he still loves me but things aren't going to work.

 

I feel worse as I feel it's all my fault now and if I had just ignored what I thought was wrong or tried harder maybe it would of got better, but then I remember it takes 2 to try and he didn't want to in all the chances he was given. I guess he just wasn't as invested in the relationship as I was as he seems to be going about daily life as if nothing has happened and has said it's easier that we don't talk.

[EstuaryKid]

Yes, it does take two and I don't feel that it's your fault at all. If the other person isn't invested in the relationship then it just sows the seed for disintegration and you would perhaps have been in a place of ongoing pain and distress. It really needs - of course - two people for the flame to burn.

 

I have not gone NC with the thought that it will coax my ex to get in touch and reconcile - but I do think we can allow ourselves this thought as we move on. It makes sense that the ex really needs space and time to work through their issues - it is essential. I think my initial post was whether we can hope for that or if doing so keeps us in stasis. I have decided to embrace the paradox of moving on, healing, giving myself and her space, and if she wants to reconcile then I will deal with that accordingly depending on my emotional state. I hope things work out for you.

[EstuaryKid]

P.S. I suppose going no contact seems counter-intuitive to the brokenhearted, since all we want to do is talk, discuss, present a case, let them know how much we hurt, show them we love them etc. But there is so much power in silence and non-action. NC is quite potent I would say. I suppose I am writing this to remind myself, as much as anything.

[James3270]

It definitely takes time. I was in a 6 year relationship when one day she looked at me and said "I don't know what I want anymore." Which translates to: I don't know what I want anymore but I know I don't want you.

 

It took me 2-3 months easy, just to get back to somewhat stable. I became a serial dater, literally dating somebody new every couple weeks. It helped a little, but besides time, my friends and family were the key.

 

I know it's hard but you'll find your way and through all the despair you might feel now, soon you'll see that you had to go through this in order to grow as a person.

[EstuaryKid]

Did it take you by total surprise, or had you perceived some previous warning signs?

[reinventmyself]

If it makes you feel an better, I experienced the same thing, post breakup.

The best way I could describe it was waking up to a kick in the gut.

It cripples you for about 30 min's until you can push through it just to get out of bed. I used to dread going to sleep at night knowing what was waiting for me in the morning.

 

I guess there was some comfort to know that even though very painful, the anxiety and pain was normal and I really wasn't losing my mind.

 

Just hang in there and let it pass. Because eventually it does.

[gustavklimt]

It has been almost 2 weeks now NC with my ex.

I find the mornings are pretty terrible. You wake up and, for a moment, have forgotten what has happened... and then... you remember... and the pain and anxiety are awful.

I am just writing this so that I don't contact her!

Because you wake up feeling like this and start writing an email or sms... then the mists lift just in time and just enough to make you stop writing and not press send.

Then I find, later in the day, I feel strong enough to give myself a break - to stop thinking about her and the relationship for a short while. To stop wishing she would come back.

Then I feel the wholesome benefits of remaining NC - whilst balancing it all on a deep, swirling sea of wanting to connect.

I wonder if hope is forlorn in these situations, or whether a little bit of hope (of reconciliation) is natural. One can maintain hope whilst, at the same time, move on with one's life. Or is hope corrosive to the natural healing process?

Do other folk feel like this?

A bit of hope is natural, especially if you are the dumpee. It took me two weeks after my breakup for it to hit me that my relationship was actually 100% over. I know exactly how you feel re: the morning situation. I used to panic and burst into tears upon waking up. Eventually once you have more acceptance of the situation, your dreams will no longer be a place where you still believe you are with your ex, so there is no amazing dream state and then a harsh reality. It evens out. I want to let you know that (like everyone says) with time it DOES truly get better. My breakup was exactly a month ago and my mornings are way easier. You have to make it through the initial withdrawal period (around 21 days) although there is no time limit to healing. Sooner than you think you will find waking up a lot easier as this person is no longer in your daily routine. Don't punish yourself when you find yourself missing the person or wishing that you could relive the amazing moments with them. What you should NOT do is let yourself actively have thoughts about reconciliation or believing that getting back with this person would suddenly fix your emotional pain. Things happen for a reason. I loved my ex dearly and he broke my heart. I miss the good times we had but I know that reconciliation would not fix anything. Trust yourself and trust that what happens is what was meant to happen. Be patient with your healing process.

[Blank State]

It has been almost 2 weeks now NC with my ex.

I find the mornings are pretty terrible. You wake up and, for a moment, have forgotten what has happened... and then... you remember... and the pain and anxiety are awful.

I am just writing this so that I don't contact her!

Because you wake up feeling like this and start writing an email or sms... then the mists lift just in time and just enough to make you stop writing and not press send.

Then I find, later in the day, I feel strong enough to give myself a break - to stop thinking about her and the relationship for a short while. To stop wishing she would come back.

Then I feel the wholesome benefits of remaining NC - whilst balancing it all on a deep, swirling sea of wanting to connect.

I wonder if hope is forlorn in these situations, or whether a little bit of hope (of reconciliation) is natural. One can maintain hope whilst, at the same time, move on with one's life. Or is hope corrosive to the natural healing process?

Do other folk feel like this?

 

I know exactly what you mean. The mornings are the worst. But as the day goes on, it feels right. After enough mornings you'll feel alot better. But the worst is when you have a dream about them.

[EstuaryKid]

It took me two weeks after my breakup for it to hit me that my relationship was actually 100% over.

 

I don't think I've got to this point yet. Even though I sense I am getting better generally, I have a suspicion that I haven't processed the idea that it is definitely over for good. I suppose this is because the ending wasn't about feelings or anything wrong with the relationship - it was just circumstance. So I hang on to a romantic ideal that the shared love will find a way. So I have a few more tears left I think. It is so horrible! The foggy, dense, grey feeling of waking up to it this morning was horrible. But also - not having all the answers, feeling confused, wondering why the other person went so cold and distant, wondering if I made it all up... that hurts too. But I think we find out own clarity in the end and a balanced point of view... when we re-emerge from it all.

[1a1a]

I felt like, when my ex split, I was left standing loyally by a cartoonish him shaped dust cloud. The dust cloud isn’t them, they’re gone, the sooner you murder hope the sooner you will heal