Sleeping with the first person after a breakup

[Cbu14gwv]

I didn’t know weather to put this in breakups or dating, but me and my bf of 4 years have been broken up for 2 weeks. In retrospect I have been planning it for months , and in the end we were fighting and were basically only acting as roommates. Plus he was so nasty to be, I didn’t even cry when we broke up because I distanced myself before I did it. Honestly I haven’t even been feeling sad about him, I haven’t been missing him. My only thoughts of him were when he would text me freaking out and calling me names and making me feel bad. So tonight I saw an old ex/friend of mine. I wouldn’t say it was a serious relationship, and after we broke up we were more like friends with benefits. We almost slept together, things got in the way, but we want to tomorrow. Is that bad? I mean I was kinda wanting this, even with him because I’m comfortable with him, we’ve done it before. It just seems “wrong” after a breakup you know? Even tho I feel as thought I’m over it due to my ex being so nasty to me, and me thinking about it for months. Should I feel bad? I wanted this

[11moreweeks]

Because you were once in an intimate relationship with this person, you are risking some weird feelings in the post-breakup dynamic. I just don't think people should trust their emotions, regardless of how over a relationship they felt, in the first few months after a breakup.

 

It feels like you're justifying this action based on how bad your ex is -- it seems like you're in some kind of resentment stage. If/when you enter a remorse stage, then sleeping with someone else would exacerbate as well, alongside the inherent risks of sleeping with someone else who you once had feelings for.

 

If I were you, I would just take a few months of no intimate contact with anyone else. I'm at 6 months myself after being dumped from an 8-year relationship, and I feel I'm starting to reach a point where I might be able to casually date again, but will still give myself a few more months just to be sure. I definitely would not be able to sleep with someone else yet. It seems to me like a lot of times, the dumper might take a little longer to heal than the dumpee (due to some emotion masking in a good riddance / resentment phase), so regardless of how things went down, I think it's worth taking the safe route.

[Doc Blaze]

I would not do it.

[bluecastle]

It is not at all "wrong." But is it the "right" thing for you right now? I'd say the fact that you're asking means you know it's not—not quite, not now, not yet. There are components to your "want" that are not totally pure. Yes, you want joy and intimacy—who doesn't? And sex, especially sex with an ex, can be a great hit of that. But you also want to get back at your ex for his nastiness, and using sex for that, especially sex with another ex, is going to trigger an avalanche of emotions that will just make whatever you're feeling now more murky and more intense.

 

I say all this as someone who has a long history of quelling the pain of breakup through sex, often with exes. It took me years and years to process how poorly that was serving my highest needs—years and years, in part, because I was too busy chasing that hit of joy/intimacy to process some deeper, harder emotions. That lack of processing eventually becomes a hindrance in your next relationship, because you're essentially taking an already dirty slate (also known as being an adult human) and making it unnecessarily dirty.

 

Recently, I got out of a complicated relationship and took a different approach. I sat alone and wallowed. I felt things. I didn't chase the high. I felt maybe more alone than ever, but also better, truer to myself. The first person I ended up sleeping with was a wonderful moment—not some life-altering scene from a movie, just two adults who met, laughed some, drank some wine, went home together and had a blast. It was not fraught. It just...was. And I kind of felt like I'd made genuine space for that experience rather than rushing to fill some void with a similar experience months earlier.

 

Anyhow, just food for thought. Take it or leave it. Really, there is no "wrong" answer to this. You'll do what you do, see where it gets you, and adjust accordingly.

[figureitout23]

If you have to ask, you know the answer...

 

You're in a vaulnerable place and your emotions haven't settled, not after two weeks, jumping back into a FWB situation, which sounds to be friends in name only because a friend wouldn't want to jump to sleep with you two weeks post breakup, you will latch onto this guy like a vice and all that emotional baggage will come pouring out in ways no one will see coming because emotions are funny like that, they are sometimes completely unexplainable. Don't do it...

[itsallgrand]

What's the rush ?

 

I'd avoid turning to exes and old bed buddies after break ups. Spend time with friends, family, doing things you like. Wait a bit, then when you are ready to date again, start fresh.